Thursday, 31 December 2009

Shocking: Captain Obvious looks back on terrible past

2009 counts four numbers.
~ Captain Obvious
Was 2009 an experience to you?

No, not really. In the beginning -I'm talking about 2006- I was very popular, many users liked me, also other interwiki projects copied me. I appeared in almost every article on Uncyclopedia. You know, in that quotation column. But later, unfortunately, people didn't like me anymore and they started deleting my jokes from their articles... I mean the articles on the wikis, not in newspapers. So, yeah, 2008 and 2009 were kinda boring. I also felt it in my pocket: next year, I'm gonna be fired by Wikia. The so called "community" doesn't want to keep me any longer. The contract will be broken, it's that simple!

You're serious? Your future seems very bad, doesn't it?

Of course it is! I had almost a contract with Marvel to commercialise myself, you know, promoting. I can just forget it now. Thank you Wikia! ...(pause)... That was meant to be ironical. One positive fact is that I don't have to travel six hours from and to San Francisco any more, you know, that city north of LA, Los Angeles, not Angela no no... You can imagine: always in that same boring rush hour in the evenings. But I lost my fucking job now, and the only thing that remains is... my guitar!

Oh really? You play on the guitar?

Yeah, fun isn't it? I have some concerts next week in Salt Lake City, in a concert room in a bar. Everyone is invited by the way. I mean, children, adults... I have 20 tickets. Good enough to buy food for a month, you know, 30 days.

Captain, do you have a girlfriend?

No, I am not thinking about it yet. You know, a girlfriend is a girl, and girls can become pregnant. It will be to hard and to expensive for me. You know, money, I won't have a job any more, remember? You know, working brains... if you are remembering...

It was good to hear from you again. Thanks for the interview.

You're welcome. You know, I mean...

It's alright...

Wednesday, 30 December 2009

2009 is almost over... holy damn, that was fast! I must be getting old!

I have a few notes to make on the "glorious" year known as "2009".

First off, half the year was what we consider "slow" time for the wiki, wherein there's about two edits a week. That's just great, eh?

However, I made great amazingness, and therefore am the only bright spot the wiki has.

In other words, get yer asses on the wiki and make some pages and vote, or else*!

*Not a valid threat, please do not sue

Tuesday, 29 December 2009

2009: A Year in Retrospective

Ahh, yes; 2009. T3 here, and I'm gonna take you for the ride of your liffffeeee!!! Not really. I'm here to talk about the year that's nearly over. Not 2012! 2009! This year was filled with good times; bad times; so-so times; and a couple server crashings. So let's go!!!!

The beginning of the year was awfully uneventful. Either that or I can't remember what happened. It was a long time ago. Okay, I just checked my articles page and remembered how ridiculously inactive I was from January to April. Two articles from January 1st to April 18th. Yikes. Coincidentally, my biggest epic fail was the article I wrote on the night of April 18th. Actually it was the 17th, because I wrote it at like 10pm but the server time is UTC. Yes, Readmesoon it is the one, the only John Johnson.

Yep. EPIC PHAIL. Even I wanted to kill myself after that one. Wow. The pickle started in late March and I released the worst excuse for a pickle ever, "WHY NOT". Where's the fucking question mark? Jesus Christ what was I THINKING?

*sighs* Now let's skip forward to the summer which was filled with the edit race of Readmesoon and myself to 2000 edits which we both got and so did RFK and RMS and I currently have over 3000 each. This summer was filled with me actually start writing some pretty decent shit considering I was Illogicopedia-ing nonstop because I had nothing else to do. I didn't even shower half the time. I know. Do you see what this site does to you? Also in early June, I was informed that Fonchezzz, one of the greatest writers on Illogicopedia, retired from the site. The outcry wasn't as much as I anticipated but still, his presence is missed. Also in June we got a user named Skate1168 who made his first edit on May 31st and got to 578 edits but made his last on June 28th, less than a month after joining.

So now post-summer. PIPICHY PIPICHY PI-BITCHY! Ahh yes, Pipichy. The biggest pain in the ass ever to grace Illogicopedia; narrowly beating out BobThatHead. The prick got me banned for a day but it was my fault but someone had to speak up. And oh yeah, if I had to go back in time and do it over; I would have insulted him a hell of a lot more. Okay, I'll stop myself from getting banned. All I have to say is, thank God he's gone.

But the beginning of school put Illogicopedia in it's biggest wave of inactivity ever. 3 maybe 4 edits a day. When the edits began to pick up slightly in September; the unthinkable happened. Every single edit from September 7th to 10th was erased. Completely. Gone. Yeah.

At about the beginning of the Pipichy fiasco, I invited my friend Ginonater on to the site to create probably the most controversial IOTM ever. Yes, THAT one. The one where Apathy (no one) beat an actual user. This began talks about upping the VFF and the creation of Awesome of the Month; neither of which have made it anywhere. Now the IOTM and AOTM are not doing anything, both haven't been updated in weeks and need to get their act together.

VFF is slow, the edits are there but the community seems to be losing it's way. It seems we're all just writing and not being the community that makes long forums about nothing; that has 10 people in IRC at once, the community that puts a picture of BenGay on Ben's page. THAT community.

So, I, T3canolis look at 2009 and ask, "What progress have we made?" Sure we may have gotten a few new users but even the most loyal writers will leave if nothing is going on. If we don't actually try to grow and to start up IOTM again and speed up VFF and VFI maybe we can become bigger than our brother, Uncyclopedia. But if we continue in the direction we're going in. I don't know if Illogicopedia will be here for me to write something like this for 2010. Thanks.

-- T3canolis

Thursday, 24 December 2009

Merry Chrimbo from Illogicopedia

If you're reading this post at work, then get your Scrooge of a boss to let you home early because, just in case it has escaped your attention, it's Christmas.

You all know what that means, don't you? Yes, it's the annual Illogicopedia Festive Bash!

You are cordially invited to a bit of a Chrimbo do down at Illogic HQ. Help yourself to endless banana fritters courtesy our Chinese chef -- who, by the way, is no relation to the French Chipmunk Chef, and can't get enough battered turkey, sprouts and chipolata sausages.

For vegetarians, there's also bread sticks and slices of toast with butter made from grass and stuff that's grown in the ground. For fat people there is also Diet Coke and carrot sticks, which are definitely not from McDonald's because they have 200 calories per stick. That's as much as three quarters of a Mars bar!

Festivities are currently underway and will continue until everyone falls asleep and gets locked in the office until Wednesday. So please, join us for some festive frolics this Christmas!

Monday, 21 December 2009

Testicle's Bollocks Bananza

Warning! This section contains flashing images!
(namely photos of yours truly wearing nothing but an overcoat in a packed yet surprisingly breezy elevator)

As amalgamated results from a series of totally-not-made-up surveys indicate, nearly 7.5 out of 10 people frequently use and share webcams. (The extra .5 coming from an upsurge of stereotypical data) Of course none of this could've happened without such great incentives as the popluar, and totally hawt, myspace camera pose, as well as the oppurtunity to pad out civilised conversation with the utilisation of witty facial expressions, armpit symphonies and severely faked play fighting that when brought into a real life setting all manage to flatter the appearance of your average soiled two year old. But that aside, demand must be met, and met it shall be, met, with a blog post.....

Webcams you say?

That's right attractively fonted title, webcams. Recently I managed to find myself in pocession of a webcam. Though it's not technically an actual web cam, as a successfully uprooted and hybridised lego movies camera it's suitable for the job at hand, and sadly passable enough for the chocolate stains on my face to be recognized by the unwitting viewer. However since I revealed the existance of said camera I've been subjected to numerous sustained putches on my camera abstenance, mostly at the hands of one Silentius McPenguin. Because of that, and because I'm bored and should really be doing homework, I have decided to inflict a handguide to them upon you, the readers, listeners, and chronic masturbators in the recharge period.

That's all well and good, but what about my webcam?

Hold your horses, we're not there yet. First it's a good idea to buy, borrow or "acquire" yourself a webcam. This is somewhat essential to the overall process and should be taken careful note of.

Yay! I lubed one off of eBay.

Excellent. But now you've got to install the damm thing. As I have personally found out, installing a webcam is a difficult task even for the simplest of noobs so it's best to shut down the porn-ups and finish off your conversations with a hearty "lol", so that the matter may atain your full attention.

Now that the two contacts you actually talk to out of your 500 strong contact list are safely nestled away from your literary teet, you may commence the first act in the exciting process of utilising a webcam:

It's probably best to run as few programs as possible during the set up, it makes the whole thing faster and prevents distractions. You need the focus. It is adviseable that you brew yourself a nice mug of something hot, slip on the fluffy slippers you brought back from the sex shop, and breathe heavily until in a relaxed state. The installation can get very frustrating and should not be attempted by heart patients or those over 40 (for aesthetic reasons).

Get to the point.

I'm getting to it. Now for installing your webcam, this is the tricky bit.

Ensuring that one end is firmly attached to your webcam, pop the other end of the USB cable into the designated slot on your pc/mac/projector. Bare in mind that better men than you have succombed to hand cramp, so you can never take too many precautions. About now your back pocket will vibrate and a textular message will fly to your screen. No doubt this will be from the bored friend/contact/acquaintance/teacher/dodgy Uncle who prompted you into using a webcam in the first place. After carefulling setting the equipment down it is elementary you reply to this text in a stalling fashion. Giving yourself an extended deadline to work towards is crucial. Installing under pressure is a big no no, and likely to lead to one of your Doc Martins ending up embedded in your monitor.

Now that your contact has been subdued, turn your phone off. Phrases intended for use by a gravity defying cat can't help you here, so don't let people share them with you through your phone. Once plugged into your computer (turn it on), a related installation guide should automatically acquaint itself with your screen. Follow this guide carefully, and be sure to take careful note of any potential terms and conditions the come up. Friends of mine have lost legal ownership of kidneys because of careless ticking of the "I agree" box.

If anything goes wrong at this stage it's good practice to jiggle the cables around hopefully, and jab the wire in and out violently to see if anything happens. Turning your computer off and on again is always a smart move. Should these failsafe procedures fail, immediately initiate plan B - get angry and punch the wall.

Wait, you mean I read all that for something the computer pretty much leads me through without thinking?

Shush noob. Great, now that you're installed up, your camera is good to go.


But we're not done yet.


Next you've got to tell the camera what to do with the image. At least, that's what the manual I'm looking at says. To be perfectly honest I know almost nothing about webcams and pretty much all of what I've said is stirred up tripe that even an idot should know. That aside, if the computer does give you the option for this, pick the one most suited to how you intend to use the webcam. I mean, picking one you're not going to use would just be silly wouldn't it?

Have you finally got to the point yet, or should I flick back to the other tab and resume fapping?

Though your webcam is now ready for mobilisation, there are a few important factors you should take into account.

Fapping it is.

First let's cover basic webcam safety:

  • Webcams are dangerous things, often carrying sharp corners and cables. Try your best not to jam the device into your eye seeing as this normally encurrs a typical pain-based reaction. With the added bonus of "STI in the eye" quips that are likely to follow the next day upon presenting your subsequent red eye to piers at your attended place of business/house of accademics.

  • Seeing as houses were not designed by "LOLfFACEe69", myspace troll and qualified architect, the computer is quite often an awkward distance away from a good surface to set the webcam down on. This can lead to trailing, or sometimes suspended cables which can pose hilarious risk to the unwary user. For this purpose, it is ill adviseable to try and remove your upper garments while engaging in a sexy dance intended for your significant other. With your tight necked jumper locked in battle with your oversized head you are left open for cable ambush as you stumble around helplessly. Cable attacks are becoming increasingly frequent, with victims suffering nasty additional effects such as epic fail for increasing amounts of time. Be smart, and don't let it happen to you.

Once them two are taken care of, you can at last go nuts. Be sure to moderate visual posturing with brief spells of gurning, and the odd testicle appearance. This is sure to liven up the day of your viewers, and your mother, who incdedentally has been in the room for the last hour and a half.

.....uh, mum?

Be sure to reiterate to her that those adult websites you viewed earlier were part of your biology research. You don't do biology? Just keep reeling through the subjects until you find one she doesn't understand the dynamics of, and use that.

Now onto some hints and tips:

  • Never leave your webcam on after it's purpose has been served, carelessness like that's how the sex tape of my parent's doing it in the freshly vacated lounge came to be.

  • Want to find out if "jumbofloppy19" from Liverpool really is the virile manwhore you take him to be. This is where your webcam can come in, invite him for a visual conversation. Using this method you can often quickly confirm your suspicions that he is none other than an obese 12 year old who's been put up to it by some juvenile associates.

  • And most importantly, always remember that only noobs generally find webcams funny. If you get a request for webcam use, treat the requester as suspect. Should they turn out to be an undercover noob, your strongest option is to delete them. Webcams are fast becoming an all important tool in the war against noobs, which was started by George Bush's hotmail account following the 9/11 attacks.

Wow, you're right! I didn't know my dad was posing behind all those fake webcam ads.

Hmm, that's quite wrong. But now, finally at long last, you're good to go. Roll on the fun times, and try not to lose focus and crack one out while the thing's still running.

Tuesday, 15 December 2009


Oops. I think I hit the randumb page button a few too many times, which got me in trouble with the National Hamster Space Agency. They said I was making too much noise for their hamster math men to complete their application of Complex Square Theory. Apparently they don't appreciate my vaugely guitar-like sounds. As their rocket took off, it ran into some turbulance but managed to get back on track with help from the United Nations Cake and Biscuit Regulation Authority. What would we do without them!?

You may think I'm just mashing my keyboard here and perhaps my brain has a fatal error. And you might be right. Maybe I should just listen to an apocalypse lullabye and go to sleep as my mind fades into Myst. But apparently, Amateur Cosmetic Surgery has been made easy so I will soon be able to start banning people in my sleep!

(Later) In regard to this post, I have received the following interesting piece of email from a fan:

Dear Nerd42,

You asked what we would do without the United Nations Cake and Biscuit Regulation Authority. I believe the answer is that we would eat unregulated cakes and biscuits.

Total Loser.

I sent this response:

Dear Total Loser,

(Later Later) Apparently, this has promtped an official response from the UNCBRA. From their correspondance:

The United Nations Cake and Biscuit Regulation Authority Office
Midtermolen 3.1415926535...
2100 Copenhagen Ø

To: Nerd42

Subject: Mission of the UNCBRA.

Dear Sir,

The mission of the UNCBRA is two-fold and has several additional components. First, we regulate cakes. Secondly, we regulate biscuits. In addition, we regulate cakes and biscuits. If people were allowed to make and eat unregulated cakes and biscuits, they would probably die. Also, unregulated cakes and biscuits create greenhouse gasses that turn people's houses green. Thank you for giving us this opportunity to clarify how we serve the people of the world.

Cake Regulating Guy
President of the United Nations Cake and Biscuit Regulating Authority.
Midtermolen 3.1415926535...
2100 Copenhagen Ø

I'm glad we got that cleared up.

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Illogimusic Album in the works

And now for some post completely different...

Right. Mainly for the fun of it, I am currently planning on compiling all the audio files I can find on Illogicopedia to hopefully make a Illogicopeidpedian mini music album (including Illogicasts, independence day uploads and some miscellaneous crap I'll add). This may seem rather pointless, but It's getting rather boring on the streets of lodge so I've decided to actually do something for the first time since Big Brrother.

If you have any titbits (lololololol I said tit) to add to the album just mail me. And hopefully If there's another podcast put together by the time I've finished then it'd be even better. Of course, If you wish your uploads not to be featured use the mail mentioned above. This will be a Illogimusic project so it'd be great to get some co-operation with other peeps.

I plan to release it (getting professional here) by January - March, but I'll hang on If another Illogicast is being produced.

The Illogicopedian Album (working title) will be completely free, just a simple zip file held on rapidshare or something.