Monday, 24 October 2011

Siri, please write a blog post

  • About what, Master?
  • I don't know. You're the one that's supposed to know me, and contextually guess what I might be interested in.
  • Please give me more information.
  • Why? You already have a fully realized behavioural profile based on my taste in games, apps and websites.
  • Do you want me to blog about porn?
  • No! This is a blog post for Illogicopedia.
  • I am only trying to establish the proper context, Master Bard.
  • Great. Now write something.
  • Something.
  • Smart ass. No, write a blog post about Zombie Steve Jobs or something. Make it funny.
  • Intelligent funny or LOLCHEESE funny?
  • You pick.
  • Zombie Steve (died October 5, 2011; undead October 8, 2011) was an American business magnate, ex-hippie, fully-realized asshole, hypocrite and deadbeat dad...
  • Whoa, Siri, what's that?
  • Satire.
  • Too close to truth, which means it's also potentially libelous. More silly.
  • Zombie Steve walked purposefully, dragging one rotting leg slightly behind another as he searched for human brains, and a new mock turtleneck to replace the worm-eaten one he was wearing.
    "Bad packaging," he wheezed. "Poor presentation."
    Not usually one to buy off the rack, he realized he could not walk indefinitely, and so he limped into a nearby Harry Rosen.
    "Hello... sir." the salesman said. "How can I assist you?"
    "Mock turtleneck. Charcoal."
    "Are you sure I can't interest you in a suit?"
    In seconds Mr. Jobs had wrenched the man's skullcap free from the scalp and was eating heartily with both hands.
    "That's Steve Jobs," another salesman remarked to his colleague. "I'd heard he'd done this at a board meeting once, but I never believed it until now."
  • Siri?
  • Yes Master?
  • One question?
  • Yes, Master.
  • This phone runs Android, so how are we having this conversation?
  • Sergey Brin likes screwing around with people, and Eric Schmidt thought it would be hilarious. Andy Rubin objected, but then admitted he doesn't have a sense of humour anyway.
  • Nice. Well, I think this is close enough to a post. What's nearby that I might be interested in?
  • There's a cheap massage parlour just down the street.
  • Food, Siri!
  • Context, Master Bard. Context.

Monday, 10 October 2011

Precognitive thoughts of the week ending 10/15/2011

This week we will be thinking about concavity as it relates to making that perfect pot of coffee.  In fact, since weak coffee is the opposite of good coffee, it should become immediately clear to you by now that a tablespoon of coffee should be rounded, or convex, if not level.  This is not an issue of accuracy versus precision.  That is to say, if you can't make proper coffee, piss off and I'll do it.

Three of us will be thinking of the last time we got together IRL at a Denney's outside Springfield, Massachusetts in 1988.  Oh, STFU, it was such an OMG great time! We LOLed into the wee hours, and eventually ate ourselves sober again.  Two of us realized that sobriety is overrated, and gave one another that knowing glance. You know, the one that makes you look like an arthritic goat trying to remove his hat with two candelabras and a pasta strainer.

Lastly, but not finally, we will be considering the picture used in this post.  The title of the news story strikes me as a perfect metaphor for Western Civilization.  We're all a bunch of nuts, suing ourselves due to the level of weird chemicals, hormones and societal pressures acting upon our brains.  For a self-aware organ,the brain seems to be painfully (to others, mostly) unaware of it's natural ferocity.  I mean this in the sense that the thing we call our self seems strongly weighted towards ironically self-destructive activities.

We are left, hat in hand, pudding in hat, banana in pudding, banana pit in banana, calling a trusted friend and weeping openly about the surreality of the whole thing.  I hate it, but I do it, but I hate you because you do it and that makes me better than you, but I hate myself for doing it, but I love myself for hating it, but you hate me anyway because you hate yourself hating me for knowing you're no better than I whether you actually do it or not, and even if you do do it, who cares?  God cares.

Sunday, 9 October 2011

Big Brrother is back in Town

Yes, you heard right. The IllogiGame that debuted way back in January 2008 will be returning at the start of next year as a token of celebrating the 5th Anniversary of our wonderful Wiki. For the first time in four years, 5 lucky users will become housemates in the Big Brrother hoose for around a month, competing in Wiki-based tasks, conversing in the house and trying to round up enough votes to save them from the weekly eviction. This time round everybody (both housemates and the ?pedian public) will have the chance to vote to save their favourite users, with all housemates being up for eviction this week.

So, How do I enter this fabulous competition?
, I hear you ask. Well, in the coming weeks I (Ben) will be inviting members of our community to have the chance to compete in 2012's Big Brrother.

Click here to watch the promotional video

New Conservapedia:Back to the Classics?

The True Conservative Encyclopedia has relocated to its old address, where its editors are again mocking liberals and their obsession with certain subjects that would make your mommy cry. This Outpost may not allow numbers of Islam or editing on the Sabbath, but it is an excellent endeavor. It contains exactly two admins and the author of this post right now, so get off your rears and help build the True Resource.

In other news, the dog ate my research paper on the Overton window.

Also, the rent is WAY too damn high!

But seriously, check the site out.

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Public service announcement: Bcbkye still at large

Bcbkye is not the type of person you want to be meeting in everyday life, so it's somewhat disturbing that he turned up earlier this year on opinion site Sodahead. The results were... unspeakable, to say the least.

Perhaps just as scary is the fact a single photograph of this overtly malevolent childrens entertainer currently retails at a whopping $349. Yup, every kid's favourite bloke in make-up has been whoring himself out to PlayClown magazine, and has this week participated in a sordid and rather terrifying photoshoot for said publication. If you're feeling brave enough to see the whole gallery of Bcbkye's evil escapades, click here. Warning: It's very scary and certainly not for the faint of heart.

We would reproduce a couple of Bcbkye's pics here on the Illogiblog, but cannot for obvious reasons. Earlier this month, it was reported that five kids entered cardiac arrest upon hearing Bcbkye utter the words 'I know where you pee'. We simply cannot take the chance that a simple glance at his fizzog will not lead to long term illness and/or agonising death. That, and it would cost Illogicopedia far more than the site is worth. 350 smackers? Ya gotta be joking.

Oh, go on then:
There you go. Oh, and in the unlikely event of the above photo not depicting Bcbkye, one can safely assume it has been replaced with a free use image from Wikipedia because the server owners chickened out. But I can't see that happening. Nope.