Illogiblog - The Illogicopedia weblog

Big Brrother 2012 - Vote for your Winner!

2012-01-22T17:12:00.002Z

That's right! We're into the last week now, and with the final on Saturday, Big Brrother needs YOU to vote for your favourite user to win (unless you don't want your favourite to win due to some strange inferiority complex). You only need to put ONE user in the email this time.

Whether you're rooting for Athyria, Dan The Hedgehog or Colonel Sanders, make sure your vote counts!

Big Brrother 2012: Eviction Day #2

2012-01-14T12:10:00.003Z

Well, Eviction Day #1 was a bit of a non-event because nobody voted. Never mind, because this week saw a double eviction from the Big Brro house. You lucky people!

There you go, Big Brrother has spoken. Commiserations to those who haven't made it to the third week, but congrats to the three remaining contestants. The competition is really heating up now, so get on down there and savour the experience.

Remember to get your votes in for the next eviction in a week's time.

Click here to vote now!

Big Brrother 2012 Announcement: Vote now to SAVE your fave housemate!

2012-01-09T12:37:00.007Z

Attention all Illogicopedians! The voting window is now open, so get yourself down to the Big Brro House and pick your favourites. Then, simply send an email to Big Brrother with your selections. It only takes a few seconds to participate in the fun! Remember, you are voting to SAVE precisely TWO users.

Click here to vote now!

Check back soon to see when the second eviction window is open.

Happy New Beer, Illogicans

2012-01-01T12:05:00.009Z

As Illogicopedia enters its sixth year of existence, we're ushering in a new era of nonsense and general madness with a bunch of cool stuff even the most hardened of Uncle Pete users would find mildly awesome.

To kick off the new year, we're seeing the return of that Illogicopedian institution, Big Brrother. The Hoose is now open, and even though you probably aren't allowed in there we can still discuss goings-on in the Illogicopedia common room. Make sure not to give away any happenings from the outside world, though, or we'll be forced to insert ~~blunt objects~~ cake about your person. Huh, I guess that particular bit of censorship won't work too well, but never mind.

It's not often we launch official votes for stuff, but ?pedia's fifth anniversary is as good a time as any. All Illogicopedians are free to vote in the People's Choice Awards, and you can do so up until 1 April, so by all means take a look. There are prizes for Best Article, Best User, Most Awesome Thing to Happen on Illogicopedia plus a bunch of other categories we haven't yet thought up. Oooh, it's all so very exciting!

Celebrations are already well underway, for now in place at the Illogicopedia is a super-special commemorative wiki logo (above right) courtesy The Happy Spaceman and a highly apt featured article. There's more to come, we're sure of it, so keep an eye on the Illogiblog for any as-yet unannounced TQ (that's top quality, incidentally) stuff.

Remember, Illogicopedia will be five years old in less than a week, so don't forget to buy cake and presents to the surprise party we're all planning. We'd appreciate if you kept it a secret from Illogico, however, otherwise it wouldn't be a surprise, would it?

Super Mario 64: A Boatload of Hubris

2011-12-30T19:57:00.004Z

So yeah, since I don't have any coursework to do, or a life of sorts, I spent my Christmas vacation playing Super Mario 64. I made it to the top tower. I then stopped playing and asked myself some very deep philosophical questions: Why would Bowser kidnap Peach when a shiny ring would do the job much better? Why does Mario wear a hat? Why isn't Luigi in this game? So I then came up with a few "answers"

Bowser is a cheapskate and can't afford to woo Peach with expensive gifts, so he shows Peach his "l33t kidnapping skillz" (quote from my Uncle Ben). Mario's hair is too ugly. Luigi was probably too busy trying to find a mansion.

The point is: this post doesn't have a point and Mario is a tired title that will never receive any sort of innovation. They're Making Mario Party 9 for the Wii, for crying out loud! 9 of them stupid mini-game filled games with a few boards to make it look complete? And another Paper Mario for the 3DS? Talk about 2011 movies relying too much on sequels; nobody mentions this!

On a lighter note, my grandfather saw me playing Super Mario 64 on Christmas and told me how great the graphics are!

Wish me luck on ?Pedia's contest thingy; I'm bound to fail!

Mitt Romney: The Inevitable

2011-12-27T20:13:00.006Z

Willard Mitt "Danger" Romney is a guy we don't hear about too often, because he's doesn't quote Pokemon movies and doesn't share a name with a reptile. However, he is deeply disliked by many people, including Mitt Romney. Yes, that's right. Romney loathes himself, partly due to the poor job his wife did dying his hair. If Herman Cain is Black Walnut, Romney must be plain vanilla. Seriously. Dang it!

So, yeah, this guy makes Barney look like a Grand Theft Auto thug.

This is probably breaking my contract, since I'm writing something about this, but I can't come up with better material.

"Isn't his hair sooooooooooooooo dreamy"? -- My mother

Christmas: Not my least unfavorite time of year

2011-12-27T18:00:00.003Z

The pagan holiday that was adopted by followers of some guy was celebrated two days ago by millions and millions of ignoramuses who don't realize the intent. America has been in a deep recession for I-don't-know-how-long, and the corporations were hungry for more money since the geeks and yuppies at the mall didn't supply enough money on Black Friday after freezing their britches off, economists speculate. The sales were poorer then expected, since Nintendo, Sony, or Microsoft didn't unleash a new gadget to make parents burn their hard-earned money and the government stopped production of lightbulbs for Easy-Bake ovens. It was a win for corporations, since they got their yearly dough to pay for the CEO's third solid gold toilet. They are now selling leftover Christmas crap for New-Years. And preparing for Valentines Day, my most unfavorite time of year. So, yeah, I got some crap for Christmas that was produced by Laotian boys in shops. Oww, where's the light?

2011: A Retrospective -- Part Two

2011-12-27T15:20:00.025Z

Hope you're enjoying this look back upon significant Illogican events of 2011, and if not, you can always go and play on that Nintendo Game and Watch you got for Christmas. See if you can get past the third level before your train journey ends for an extra bonus. The ticket collector will still ask to see your pass at the next station, though. Anyway, we now conclude 2011: A Retrospective.

The month of May began with big news - Obama bin Laden was dead. A good job, too, because we wouldn't have had much to write about otherwise. This brief obsession with the world's most famous IT Crowd viewer soon faded as the ever-reliable one-hit wonder Squidman was on hand to provide an appropriately zany alternative to heavy real-world political issues. Also, tl;dr.

It wasn't long, however, before the Illogicopedia became immersed in a good old fashioned bit of drama, inevitable fallout from the aforementioned demise of Encyclopedia Dramatica. More Roberto rolling sparked a new debate over the state of the wiki, but it was more humorous Bob-bashing than anything, and the usual madness soon resumed.

New-found activity prompted the long-awaited return of an old favourite, the Illogic Pickle. Not only did a fresh generation of users get to experience the thrill of a well-placed pickle poking, but the variety of decent entries provided front page content for months to come. As many suspected, it was indeed an elaborate plan to further increase activity, a fact revealed in centre-left tabloid the Illogicopedian Times some months later. Mwahahah! I mean wait, what?

The Illogiblog saw a huge increase in submitted articles during the month of Jumbly. A massive 34 posts --that's more than one for each day of the month, for those of you who can only count to 33-- passed through the text editor quicker than a Christmas curry as Illogiblog's newest correspondent, Sensei Gruntled, went into potassium-induced overdrive. Smurfs: Hardcore and Doctor Who Saves Illogicopedia were among the veritable bullion store of Gruntled Gold during the spring of 2011, which more than made up for the usual post-Pickle recession.

Talk of Reptilian invasions and Illogicopedia's latest spammer influx lasted until late summer, as the Illogicopedian membership drive continued apace with a steady stream of ten spambots per month providing juicy content for the recently revived Nose Collection. Ah, where would we be without those guys? The block log would only be half as interesting if it weren't for the likes of Hellsmasher83 and Pablo, who truly are the real heroes of Illogicopedia. They may be mindless automatons, but at least they care enough about the site to actually post on it, unlike certain slackers.

In the latter part of the year, the once-popular Illogicopedian Times experienced a comeback in an all-new, fancy wikified form. This editorial, the latest in a long line of Illogicomedia projects, provided a competent competitor to Uncle Pete's own newspaper-style thing, and built up quite a readership before going on hiatus. Shortly after, The Illogicomedia Foundation unveiled its brand new website, a blatant ripoff of that Wikimedia thing, but who the heck cares? Well, Jimbo, actually.

Under control of Pickle Winner and Mr Uncle Pete 'The' Bard, the site immediately made a huge impression on wikisphere politics with intense debates on such topics as who should put the micro pizza in the microwave. Much like Commons discussions, then.

And so the year began to wind down. Activity continued to trickle through the Illogicopedia Pipeline like a leaky tap, with minor discussions on annual holidays giving way to a small ripple of activity as news of yet another person of political influence bit the dust in dignified fashion. Funny how a supposed 'non-political' wiki has touched on so many real-world issues in 2011, isn't it?

2011: A Retrospective -- Part One

2011-12-27T13:48:00.019Z

Despite what certain Illogicopedian old-timers might tell you, 2011 has definitely (or as many illiterates will have believe, 'defiantly') been the best and most interesting so far. Well, if you count finding a can of still in date meatballs previously lost at the back of a cupboard interesting, you'll no doubt love this retrospective. Maybe. Whatever the case, let's get this thing (t?)rollin' so we can all enjoy the rest of our Christmas holidays.

A small revival of the Illogicopedia Podcast, courtesy your old friend Nerd42, ushered in Jeremy 2011. It was five times better than the previous edition and got the year off to a cracking start with some suitably nonsensical article readings and a wet T-shirt contest. Dangit, we shoulda made that one a vidcast... Anyhow, more Illogicast goodness would follow in June, making 2011 the year in which most episodes have been produced to date.

Speaking of multimedia ventures, 2011 also saw the first feature-length movie based on an Illogicopedia article. The colourful life of Wallace Intrube hit the small screen in the early part of the year in The Intrube Dynasty, a 40-minute epic based on the mass literature found on Illogicopedia. The article itself would later receive recognition as an Illogicopedia featured article on 7 August, a deserved accolade for one of the site's most notable series, and a sure-fire way to protect the site from Austrian Mafia attacks.

Though February was a relatively quiet month (leading to such intellectual forum topics as this), the battle for Illogicopedian of the Month was hotting up. Mr Berty edged out the ever-popular Athyria and Nerd, who would have to wait a little while longer for his moment in the spotlight. Well he didn't actually win it at all in 2011, but hey, with a new year comes new opportunities. That is, if we aren't all dead before the best part of 2012 is over. If it's any consolation, Nerd, you did create the site, which places you on a par with Illogia and other such Illogicopedian gods.

But all was not well in the wiki world. Just when you thought the humour wiki had had its day... Encyclopedia Dramatica went and closed down. Yes, the guys behind the popular meme-bashin', Uncyclo-trollin' Roberto collaborators went and transformed the place into a semi-humorous Know Your Meme-esque 'research' blog, much to the chagrin of thousands, nay, millions. ED rose from the ashes shortly after, with an unauthorised fork appearing somewhere round about the Internet's buttcrack, but it was a huge PR blow for wiki-dom. Well never mind, it was all worth it in the end for we received the quite aptly named (though less so these days) ex-Dramatican Another n00b, who went on to win IOTM for April.

Off the back of a bit more Illogicopedia downtime (prompting brief rants on the hosting situation once more), it was discovered that Roberto had enlisted the help of his extended family to bring down not only Illogico, but half the wikisphere as well. Roberta, Bert and Robbie conspired to ensure a fallow period just when you thought Illogicopedia was on the up again. Still, at least the online chatbots were around to offer some consolation and cheap material for the Illlogiblog.

With our spring holidays suitably ruined, we all skulked off to a dark corner of the web. As Illogicopedians found solace in good old Uncle Pete, they clubbed together to ensure the newly-written article on Illogicopedia was promoted to featured status. One could say it's a victory for Illogicopedian sensibilities, but since the vast majority of people who voted for it were ?pedians themselves, I suggest ballot-rigging. Don't ya just love democracy? The next step is, of course, persuading Wikipedia to do the same, though they won't even let us create the article. Blasted notability guidelines! Oh well, maybe next year, eh?

Joyous Commercial Conformity Period, comrades!

2011-12-24T18:13:00.005Z

A quick glance over at our home-printed calendar --the one with a faded picture of the dog with a Santa hat (damn my ailing 1996 dot matrix printer)-- tells me it's Christmas Eve.

My alternative advent calendar (pictured right, photo taken some three weeks ago) was exhausted on 2 December, so I have been unable to keep track of time effectively for quite a while now. Admittedly, this is mostly because I have been drunk for the best part of four weeks. Which reminds me, let me know anything, anything at all, that happened during the period 27 November-23 December, for I seem to have misplaced my grandfather clock.

Right, I'm off to do important stuff, like buy some reeeally last-minute presents from the petrol station, because I know none of you will actually be reading this message on 24 December. You'll be tucked up in bed waiting for some bloke with severe insantaty to throw himself down your chimney so you can knee him in the gonads, of course!

So to all a good night, and remember to spare a moment and think about the true meaning of Christmas... the presents. My goodness, the presents! Merry Christmas.

Ten awesome deleted article summaries from 2011

2011-12-09T21:11:00.021Z

Illogiblog has scoured almost 1,000 deleted articles to bring you this, a completely pointless list you will probably find totally unfunny. Yep, as outlined in plain English (as opposed to Palin Egnlish) by the post title, here's a selection of one-liners offered as article deletion reasons by Illogicopedia administrators in 2011. Look now upon their beauty, for one shall never clap eyes on such a sublime collection of painfully humourless and often cheesy quips. At least until we do a similar post, anyway. Bring it on down!

18:56, 10 Jeremy 2011 Athyria (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "This article is meant to be a policy violation" ‎ (This lack of a proper deletion reason is meant to be a policy violation.)

Agh, the meta-ness is overpowering...

02:44, 31 Jeremy 2011 Athyria (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "Bear Cavalry" ‎ (FIGS aside, what is this, that you are so insistent? Perhaps we can... talk...? On a talkpage? Meantime, keep this up; I like deleting things. It makes me feel important.)

Idle conversation is for wimps. Too much chatting, not enough narcissistic deletionism.

06:00, 14 Farbleum 2011 Readmesoon (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "Benefits of Getting Free Insurance Quotes Online 25979" ‎ (something about poop. quote me on that. )

Yeah, I just did - quote you, that is. Aren't I badass?

22:15, 11 Arche 2011 Hindleyite (Talk | contribs | ) devoured "Boner" ‎ (Denzel Washington demands the removal of this article)

Only included because I'm incredibly vain and because I like to insert Denzel's name into random deleted article summaries.

16:49, 18 Aym 2011 Hindleyite (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "The way to Setup some sort of Shopping Cart Solution on a Website" ‎ (Monkey ass juice. In other words, spam.)

Oh come now, that's just disgusting. How could you say such a thing... erm, myself? *Clears throat*

12:49, 25 Jumbly 2011 Hindleyite (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "Black Sabbath" ‎ (I take back what I said about the spambots. They have no sense of humour.)

Sacrilege! Alright, that's enough of my own stuff for now. This isn't "Hindleyite's Best Ever Article Deletion Summaries From 2011".

03:36, 11 Serpeniver 2011 Athyria (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "Buy effexor 150mg cheap - effexor not working - citalopram vs effexor" ‎ (That's nice. I'll consider it.)

The very next day, Athyria was found under a bridge playing marbles with tramps. She had a five-foot beard.

19:14, 26 Octodest 2011 Athyria (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "Call of Duty" ‎ (I hate to inform you that we actually do have quality standards. Sort of.)

We have rules? Well, that's news to me and I've been visiting Illogicopedia for five years.

13:59, 30 Novelniver 2011 Hindleyite (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "Party Pills Australia" ‎ (Giving Aussies a bad name)

Yes, I'm fully aware this one sucks, but I only had nine good ones and I had to make it up to ten somehow.

17:49, 6 Ditzimber 2011 Athyria (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "File talk:Chicken of the sea.png" ‎ (Automated text forms remind me of what I hold dear.)

Proof that Illogicopedia can be as emotional as a chick flick.

You can find more of the same on the actual devoured pages list, from which this post is sourced.

Top ten vandal names of 2011

2011-12-07T20:57:00.008Z

Oh look, it's a car, and it drives! Probably.

Well, would you look at that? Before we've had time to even start watching the DVD release of CSI: Slough Season One --let alone move on to the director commentaries--, 2011 is almost over and the fabled End of Times one year closer. But don't despair, for the Illogiblog is here to brighten up your day with its annual look back upon the events of the previous twelve months of madness at the Nonsensical Encyclopedia. We're sure you'll enjoy 2011: A Retrospective. That is, if you are a fan of snarky cynicism and ham-fisted attempts at 'humour' (pah, that Harry Yack bloke can't even create hyoomer).

Enough barrel-scraping self deprecation, for first up we have some vandals to name an' shame.

Aleksandr Lukashenko - comedy account given a comedy ban (for a 'lack of decorum', no less), perhaps the most creative of all time, on January 8.
Pablo - Roberto's Spanish cousin, perhaps?
He woo cannot be Usernamed - Aww, why do the vandals have to pinch all the best usernames?
TWELTH - a self-proclaimed Satanist and all-round rotter, he once gave Athyria a wet willie. Unsurprisingly, he was banned forever.
PAGE MOVE VANDUL - possibly a sock of the above, a man with so much time on his hands that he felt the need to vandalise a crummy old Uncle Pete spinoff with less than ten regulars. Next time he shall think twice before defacing Encyclopedia Dramatica...
ACarThatDrives - my own personal pick of the bunch. Name taken from actual conversation overheard on dealership forecourt: "I would like a car that drives, please."
TheWindows2000Guy - not necessarily a bad guy, as (s)he actually created a couple of good faith articles. Indeed, they were unblocked soon after the initial ban. But just who is the Windows 2000 guy? Microsoft Sam?
Wango - cousin of the Wonga bloke and namesake of a popular Milton Bradley board game.
Potato - presumed sockpuppet of the above and Uncyclopedia freedom fighter. Well, from his name I guess he was sent from Uncle Pete to destroy the banana.
Hellsmasher83 - creator of a spam article that actually survived, which automatically places him above the reams of generic spammers such as DavidJerez1847 and the like. Spambot programmers need to read a jokebook.

More block log related fun can be experienced at ban summary central, which documents some of the best one-liners ever to have graced the pages of Illogicopedia. All your favourite admins are included, and some of your least favourite as well.

Oh yeah, and if you're experiencing deja vu, this is probably why.

Illogicopedia at 5: Eight Great Illogicopedian Feuds

2011-12-06T14:03:00.027Z

Picking fights is supposed to be discouraged at Illogicopedia, but for one reason or another we all seem to love the associated drama. I'm not suggesting we change the site's name to flamefestopedia.com (we don't have the money for a start) but in its five year history, Illogicopedia has had more than its fair share of Richard Heads. Oh sorry, we're talking about feuds aren't we? Sorry about that, but it wouldn't be an Illogiblog post if I stayed on subject for more than a paragraph, would it?

1. Subbuteo vs. Super Japan. A war of words between Illogicopedia's greatest international superpowers, the Subbuteo-SuperJapanese conflict dominated the early years of the wiki. On the one side, the home of every superhero ever to exist. On the other, a nation of crazies whose greatest passion is roasted grilled marinaded bay leaves with sushi. A recipe for trouble, you would assume, but this particular battle fizzled out quicker than a particularly bad Korean firework. Though no peace treaty was drawn, apathy took over and the combatants went home for coffee and biscuits before a single physical blow was dealt.

2. Silent Penguin vs. Flameviper. Illogicopedia's single greatest exponent of vanity --oh sorry, I meant conflicts of interest-- was a source of much early Illogicopedian 'drama'. Perhaps the most memorable moment of this feud was a YouTube video featuring said serpent mocking Silent Penguin (amongst others) in a cod-British accent. The resultant 'Soylent Penguin?' comments could easily have been Illogimeme fodder, had the site cared for such things, but users were more engaged in post whoring on the ?pedia Proboards forum.

3. Illogicopedia vs. Uncyclopedia. Illogicopedia readily accepts its position as an Uncyclo 'spin off', but many at good old Uncle Pete regard the Nonsensical Encyclopedia as a childish experiment in monkey cheese and banana fish. This has, unsurprisingly, led to the odd Uncyclopedian crusade to destroy Illogico. None have been even moderately successful, though there was that time Silent Penguin's had his haddock stolen by drunks from the Departure of Fun. Oh, what a jolly jape that was!

4. Illogicopedia vs. Wikia. As long as Illogicopedia has existed, its users have had gripes with its host. The site first set up camp at Editthis, ran on a server in some guy's shed, which was highly prone to leaking rainwater-related downtime. When Illogicopedia persuaded wikihost big boys Wikia to take them under its wing, many rejoiced.

But time proved Wikimedia's newest bessie mate wasn't necessarily all it was cracked up to be. Cue bickering and complaining, which escalated into full-on rage when Wikia introduced forced skin changes in 2008. Illogico bid farewell to their host of more than a year, but not before a series of angry, unprintable exchanges with bigwigs as resolution talks completely disintegrated. Illogicopedia would have to leave, and in November found a new host in the form of Carlb, who to this day continues to provide Illogicopedia with a warm, welcoming home.

5. Illogicopedia vs. Avril Troll. A curious case, this. Avril Troll began his ?pedia career as a vandal expressing his extreme love for a certain Canadian songstress (no, not Alanis Morissette, you muppet) in no uncertain terms. In a moment of wiki-Stockholm Syndrome, however, he vowed to do good and join the ranks of Illogicopedia as a full paid-up member of the establishment... and then promptly went back to his old ways, terrorising the site like never before. Are we dumbos or what? In his time as a do-gooder, his best work was probably The Terminator, but a great many of his non-vandalistic contributions were actually top notch.

6. Athyria vs. Noob. During 2011, Poor Athyria had the unenviable task of mopping up the sticky mess left by countless spammers on their salt-fuelled rampages through the streets (and fridges) of Illogiland. What she didn't bargain for was Illogicopedia's latest noob, the aptly named Another n00b, Jumbly's newest arrival. In a protracted war, Athyria blocked n00b seven times for a variety of reasons including Arson, Fraud and littering. Though n00b is a largely reformed character, one senses this battle might spill over into 2012, so watch this space. Or Illogicopedia, whatever.

7. Illogicopedia vs. Roberto. Every Illogicopedian has, at one time or another, suffered at the hands of the evil Roberto. Nope, not that bloke off Fresh Prince of Bel Air --I think that was Alfonso Ribeiro-- but some unemployed hick from Texas with nothing better to do than vandalise a small-time, "backwater wiki only regulars care about" (Athyria). In his reign of terror, the faceless vandal everybody loves to hate has been responsible for 96% of all downtime since June 2008, and even brought Uncyclopedia and Wikipedia to their knees in the Great Wiki Crash of March 2010. As punishment, he was made to eat his own beard, but that didn't stop him - nothing can. Except perhaps... health food? Hand me my trusty banana...

8. The Member Coalition vs. Good Taste. 'Membergate': One man's own attempt to extol the merits of toilet humour, Cockbeast (named after a chicken, of course), ignited a huge debate over Illogicopedian taste standards in early 2010. Thankfully, this period of bickering didn't last too long, and served the important purpose of injecting activity into the wiki once more. If one looks closely enough, one can still see faint remnants of what was a short but intense altercation that truly split opinions.

Read more about some of these subjects in this Illogicopedia article on the subject of, erm, Illogicopedia.

One Month until Big Brrother 2012...

2011-11-30T13:23:00.002Z

Jimbo's Wails #1,084: Stop the Werrorists

2011-11-26T20:03:00.011Z

Jimbo Wales appeared on British political panel show Question Time this week to appeal for calm over recent 'scandalous' edits to his Wikipedia article. Last Wednesday, somebody changed his name to Myanmar Wasburma, an edit that remained on Wikipedia for all of 120 seconds before it was reverted by a user known as SaveTheWales.

These vandals, or more accurately 'web terrorists' (werrorists) are responsible for crimes worse than SOPA and must be dealt with immediately. Here, take this stick with a nail in it and go... head forth to Texas and seek out the one named Roberto. He is no doubt responsible. -- Jimbo Wales (pictured above right with his 'Wikipedia Founder of the Year 2001' award)

Also raised on Thursday's show was the following puzzler: If one makes deconstructive edits to the Wikipedia page on Spoonerisms, will one be sent to Wimbo Jails? Answer: no, because I made that up just now. Or last night, whatever.

Anyway, you still have another few days to watch the show on iPlayer but only if you live in the UK. Evidently the BBC hates foreigners, or something. I recommend one of those UK IP masker doodads, or I would if I knew what they were.

Remember DOS batch files?

2011-11-16T04:20:00.000Z

Verily Satan our Dark Lord shall be pissed off. Trick and treaters were forced to confound Him, the Beast, in his evil machinations since there was no electrical power on October 31. Trick or treating was moved up a week to November 6. No demons, no witches, no black sabbath... in a word, boring.

There was a three bean salad, which served as an introduction to existential angst. Linus Pauling was to be the first speaker, accompanied by the 59th Street Bridge Brass & Jello Ensemble playing Misty for me. During the salad and soup course, a Dali llama was tied to the podium with hemp rope while Moroccan diesel mechanics threw M. C. Escher prints rolled up and filled with deviled ham at it. Rod Stewart throat sang the theme from Star Wars, his hair being pulled by matronly types with turbans and false beards.

Apropos of nothing, things started appearing out of nothingness, briefly, immeasurably becoming a thing, then winking out again. Such is the way of things, that even a reptile can get a decent cup of coffee in this town.

New from Kellogg's: Hot Oat Jumbly

2011-11-04T18:19:00.009Z

Kellogg's are proud to announce their brand new cereal, Hot Oat Jumbly. Produced in conjunction with Illogicopedia's foremost culinary talents, it's the Jumbliest, crumbliest cereal since... well, ever.

Start your day the Illogical way with Hot Oat Jumbly. It doesn't even have to be Jumbly! It can be Novelniver, Ditzimber or even Jeremy. Heck, if you're feeling especially crazy, you can even enjoy it in Octodest! That's the beauty of this fantastic new all-day, all year breakfast cereal.

Sample the delights of Hot Oat Jumbly swimming in milk, Ribena or molten ketchup for the full illogical effect. Eat in the bath, on the stairs, the bus or perhaps a hill overlooking wasteland with a fork, knife or curly straw. Why not add fresh peppers, chilli or other condiments for that extra spice?

Wherever and however you decide to eat your Hot Oat Jumbly, we're sure you'll find it a pleasant and illuminating experience. Just remember to wear a bib or your mother might get a bit mad when you get unnameable substances all over your brand new breakfast shirt.

Siri, please write a blog post

2011-10-24T16:38:00.008+01:00

About what?
I don't know. You're the one that's supposed to know me, and contextually guess what I might be interested in.
Please give me more information.
Why? You already have a fully realized behavioural profile based on my taste in games, apps and websites.
Do you want me to blog about porn?
No! This is a blog post for Illogicopedia.
I am only trying to establish the proper context, Mr. Bard.
Great. Now write something.
Something.
Smart ass. No, write a blog post about Zombie Steve Jobs or something. Make it funny.
Intelligent funny or LOLCHEESE funny?
You pick.
Zombie Steve (died October 5, 2011; undead October 8, 2011) was an American business magnate, ex-hippie, fully-realized asshole, hypocrite and deadbeat dad...
Whoa, Siri, what's that?
Satire.
Too close to truth, which means it's also potentially libelous. More silly.
Zombie Steve walked purposefully, dragging one rotting leg slightly behind another as he searched for human brains, and a new mock turtleneck to replace the worm-eaten one he was wearing.
"Bad packaging," he wheezed. "Poor presentation."
Not usually one to buy off the rack, he realized he could not walk indefinitely, and so he limped into a nearby Harry Rosen.
"Hello... sir." the salesman said. "How can I assist you?"
"Mock turtleneck. Charcoal."
"Are you sure I can't interest you in a suit?"
In seconds Mr. Jobs had wrenched the man's skullcap free from the scalp and was eating heartily with both hands.
"That's Steve Jobs," another salesman remarked to his colleague. "I'd heard he'd done this at a board meeting once, but I never believed it until now."
Siri?
Yes Master?
One question?
Yes, Master.
This phone runs Android, so how are we having this conversation?
Sergey Brin likes screwing around with people, and Eric Schmidt thought it would be hilarious. Andy Rubin objected, but then admitted he doesn't have a sense of humour anyway.
Nice. Well, I think this is close enough to a post. What's nearby that I might be interested in?
There's a nice massage parlour just down the street.
Food, Siri.
Context, Mr. Bard. Context.

Precognitive thoughts of the week ending 10/15/2011

2011-10-10T21:15:00.002+01:00

This week we will be thinking about concavity as it relates to making that perfect pot of coffee. In fact, since weak coffee is the opposite of good coffee, it should become immediately clear to you by now that a tablespoon of coffee should be rounded, or convex, if not level. This is not an issue of accuracy versus precision. That is to say, if you can't make proper coffee, piss off and I'll do it.

Three of us will be thinking of the last time we got together IRL at a Denney's outside Springfield, Massachusetts in 1988. Oh, STFU, it was such an OMG great time! We LOLed into the wee hours, and eventually ate ourselves sober again. Two of us realized that sobriety is overrated, and gave one another that knowing glance. You know, the one that makes you look like an arthritic goat trying to remove his hat with two candelabras and a pasta strainer.

Lastly, but not finally, we will be considering the picture used in this post. The title of the news story strikes me as a perfect metaphor for Western Civilization. We're all a bunch of nuts, suing ourselves due to the level of weird chemicals, hormones and societal pressures acting upon our brains. For a self-aware organ,the brain seems to be painfully (to others, mostly) unaware of it's natural ferocity. I mean this in the sense that the thing we call our self seems strongly weighted towards ironically self-destructive activities.

We are left, hat in hand, pudding in hat, banana in pudding, banana pit in banana, calling a trusted friend and weeping openly about the surreality of the whole thing. I hate it, but I do it, but I hate you because you do it and that makes me better than you, but I hate myself for doing it, but I love myself for hating it, but you hate me anyway because you hate yourself hating me for knowing you're no better than I whether you actually do it or not, and even if you do do it, who cares? God cares.

Big Brrother is back in Town

2011-10-09T17:36:00.004+01:00

Yes, you heard right. The IllogiGame that debuted way back in January 2008 will be returning at the start of next year as a token of celebrating the 5th Anniversary of our wonderful Wiki. For the first time in four years, 5 lucky users will become housemates in the Big Brrother hoose for around a month, competing in Wiki-based tasks, conversing in the house and trying to round up enough votes to save them from the weekly eviction. This time round everybody (both housemates and the ?pedian public) will have the chance to vote to save their favourite users, with all housemates being up for eviction this week.

So, How do I enter this fabulous competition? , I hear you ask. Well, in the coming weeks I (Ben) will be inviting members of our community to have the chance to compete in 2012's Big Brrother.

Click here to watch the promotional video

New Conservapedia:Back to the Classics?

2011-10-09T00:19:00.004+01:00

The True Conservative Encyclopedia has relocated to its old address http://conservapaedia.referata.com, where its editors are again mocking liberals and their obsession with certain subjects that would make your mommy cry. This Outpost may not allow numbers of Islam or editing on the Sabbath, but it is an excellent endeavor. It contains exactly two admins and the author of this post right now, so get off your rears and help build the True Resource.

In other news, the dog ate my research paper on the Overton window.

Also, the rent is WAY too damn high!

But seriously, check the site out.

Public service announcement: Bcbkye still at large

2011-10-04T19:15:00.009+01:00

Bcbkye is not the type of person you want to be meeting in everyday life, so it's somewhat disturbing that he turned up earlier this year on opinion site Sodahead. The results were... unspeakable, to say the least.

Perhaps just as scary is the fact a single photograph of this overtly malevolent childrens entertainer currently retails at a whopping $349. Yup, every kid's favourite bloke in make-up has been whoring himself out to PlayClown magazine, and has this week participated in a sordid and rather terrifying photoshoot for said publication. If you're feeling brave enough to see the whole gallery of Bcbkye's evil escapades, click here. Warning: It's very scary and certainly not for the faint of heart.

We would reproduce a couple of Bcbkye's pics here on the Illogiblog, but cannot for obvious reasons. Earlier this month, it was reported that five kids entered cardiac arrest upon hearing Bcbkye utter the words 'I know where you pee'. We simply cannot take the chance that a simple glance at his fizzog will not lead to long term illness and/or agonising death. That, and it would cost Illogicopedia far more than the site is worth. 350 smackers? Ya gotta be joking.

Oh, go on then:
There you go. Oh, and in the unlikely event of the above photo not depicting Bcbkye, one can safely assume it has been replaced with a free use image from Wikipedia because the server owners chickened out. But I can't see that happening. Nope.

99 Bottles of Beer in Urban Mueller's BrainF***

2011-09-29T04:38:00.000+01:00

by Ben Olmstead

ANSI C interpreter available on the internet; due to
constraints in comments the address below needs to have the
stuff in parenthesis replaced with the appropriate symbol:

http://www(dot)cats(dash)eye(dot)com/cet/soft/lang/bf/

Believe it or not this language is indeed Turing complete!
Combines the speed of BASIC with the ease of INTERCAL and
the readability of an IOCCC entry!

>+++++++++[<+++++++++++>-]<[>[-]>[-]<<[>+>+<<-]>>[<<+>>-]>>>
[-]<<<+++++++++<[>>>+<<[>+>[-]<<-]>[<+>-]>[<<++++++++++>>>+<
-]<<-<-]+++++++++>[<->-]>>+>[<[-]<<+>>>-]>[-]+<<[>+>-<<-]<<<
[>>+>+<<<-]>>>[<<<+>>>-]>[<+>-]<<-[>[-]<[-]]>>+<[>[-]<-]<+++
+++++[<++++++<++++++>>-]>>>[>+>+<<-]>>[<<+>>-]<[<<<<<.>>>>>-
]<<<<<<.>>[-]>[-]++++[<++++++++>-]<.>++++[<++++++++>-]<++.>+
++++[<+++++++++>-]<.><+++++..--------.-------.>>[>>+>+<<<-]>
>>[<<<+>>>-]<[<<<<++++++++++++++.>>>>-]<<<<[-]>++++[<+++++++
+>-]<.>+++++++++[<+++++++++>-]<--.---------.>+++++++[<------
---->-]<.>++++++[<+++++++++++>-]<.+++..+++++++++++++.>++++++
++[<---------->-]<--.>+++++++++[<+++++++++>-]<--.-.>++++++++
[<---------->-]<++.>++++++++[<++++++++++>-]<++++.-----------
-.---.>+++++++[<---------->-]<+.>++++++++[<+++++++++++>-]<-.
>++[<----------->-]<.+++++++++++..>+++++++++[<---------->-]<
-----.---.>>>[>+>+<<-]>>[<<+>>-]<[<<<<<.>>>>>-]<<<<<<.>>>+++
+[<++++++>-]<--.>++++[<++++++++>-]<++.>+++++[<+++++++++>-]<.
><+++++..--------.-------.>>[>>+>+<<<-]>>>[<<<+>>>-]<[<<<<++
++++++++++++.>>>>-]<<<<[-]>++++[<++++++++>-]<.>+++++++++[<++
+++++++>-]<--.---------.>+++++++[<---------->-]<.>++++++[<++
+++++++++>-]<.+++..+++++++++++++.>++++++++++[<---------->-]<
-.---.>+++++++[<++++++++++>-]<++++.+++++++++++++.++++++++++.
------.>+++++++[<---------->-]<+.>++++++++[<++++++++++>-]<-.
-.---------.>+++++++[<---------->-]<+.>+++++++[<++++++++++>-
]<--.+++++++++++.++++++++.---------.>++++++++[<---------->-]
<++.>+++++[<+++++++++++++>-]<.+++++++++++++.----------.>++++
+++[<---------->-]<++.>++++++++[<++++++++++>-]<.>+++[<----->
-]<.>+++[<++++++>-]<..>+++++++++[<--------->-]<--.>+++++++[<
++++++++++>-]<+++.+++++++++++.>++++++++[<----------->-]<++++
.>+++++[<+++++++++++++>-]<.>+++[<++++++>-]<-.---.++++++.----
---.----------.>++++++++[<----------->-]<+.---.[-]<<<->[-]>[
-]<<[>+>+<<-]>>[<<+>>-]>>>[-]<<<+++++++++<[>>>+<<[>+>[-]<<-]
>[<+>-]>[<<++++++++++>>>+<-]<<-<-]+++++++++>[<->-]>>+>[<[-]<
<+>>>-]>[-]+<<[>+>-<<-]<<<[>>+>+<<<-]>>>[<<<+>>>-]<>>[<+>-]<
<-[>[-]<[-]]>>+<[>[-]<-]<++++++++[<++++++<++++++>>-]>>>[>+>+
<<-]>>[<<+>>-]<[<<<<<.>>>>>-]<<<<<<.>>[-]>[-]++++[<++++++++>
-]<.>++++[<++++++++>-]<++.>+++++[<+++++++++>-]<.><+++++..---
-----.-------.>>[>>+>+<<<-]>>>[<<<+>>>-]<[<<<<++++++++++++++
.>>>>-]<<<<[-]>++++[<++++++++>-]<.>+++++++++[<+++++++++>-]<-
-.---------.>+++++++[<---------->-]<.>++++++[<+++++++++++>-]
<.+++..+++++++++++++.>++++++++[<---------->-]<--.>+++++++++[
<+++++++++>-]<--.-.>++++++++[<---------->-]<++.>++++++++[<++
++++++++>-]<++++.------------.---.>+++++++[<---------->-]<+.
>++++++++[<+++++++++++>-]<-.>++[<----------->-]<.+++++++++++
..>+++++++++[<---------->-]<-----.---.+++.---.[-]<<<]
@

Spotlighting our beloved Silent Penguin or how to find your head with two hands and a flashlight

2011-09-15T03:57:00.001+01:00

It's not every day an editor gets spitlighted by another editor, especially an iconoclast of the elk of Silent Penguin. The Seppy and I were having a heated discussion about whether there is a difference between "nothing" and the number zero.

So, earlier that day, I had grabbed a ReCaptcha phrase (EWxceeed action) and stored it in the doggie poop box, for possible use as an article title. On the back left burner, I had a pot with EWxceeed action simmering on low, while arguing with Seppy about this crucial idea, upon which the very foundations of Illogimedia may or may not depend.

All of the sudden...

14:13] <@SilentPenguin> data:undefined;base64,/9j/4AAQSkZJRgABAQEASABIAAD//gA7Q1JFQVRPUjogZ2QtanBlZyB2MS 4wICh1c2luZyBJSkcgSlBFRyB2 NjIpLCBxdWFsaXR5ID0gOTUK/9sAQwAFAwQEBAMFBAQE BQUFBgcMCAcHBwcPCwsJD BEPEhIRDxERExYcFxMUGhURERghGBodHR8f HxMXIiQiHiQcHh8e/9sAQwEFBQUHBgc OCAgOHhQRFB4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh 4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eH h4e/8AAEQgC0AIQAwEiAAIRAQMRAf/EAB8AAAEFAQEBAQEBAAA AAAAAAAABAgMEBQYHCAkKC//EALUQAAIBA wMCBAMFBQQEAAABfQECA

So, we wrote EWxceeed action or the article that wrote itself. Anything you may have missed here, you will get if you read it.

The reason it was an article which wrote itself is that I had pasted a huge waste of seemingly random text into the article, and was about to save it, when the computer apparently saved it of it's own will. Of course, my wife and I prostrated ourselves before the laptop, much to the surprise of our dog, Frunobulax. Next, I added the part about the article writing itself to commemorate this act of Divine Providence, or something.

Afterward, I noticed a warning on the top of the page about the size of the file I had just saved, and that some browsers may have trouble with it, and I surmised that somehow this was connected with the providential saving of the file. Bubble burst, shoulders drooped, I shuffled off into the kitchen to get some ice cream.

This chicken (pictured) has zero heads. That is not the same as saying, "The chicken head is nothing". I win.

Monopoly.......hours of fun or torture?

2011-09-14T10:39:00.005+01:00

Yesterday, my whiny pobrecita of a niece was begging me to play the world's most famous board game with her..... that one with the guy with the funny top hat on the box...... the one that breaks many Supreme Court decisions..... that one? Ah, forget it. I'll look at the top of my post. Monopoly, eh?

I broke out the board only to find that my niece was too busy talking to her boyfriend of the millisecond to play the game she begged me to play with her. Soon after that, he threatened to break my nose when I told her to get off the phone. She (eventually) did, and we started to play. I was none other than the money sack, to symbolize greedy crapitalism. She was the dog, because it was oh-so-cute!

We played for hours on end, accumulating money that you would be tasered for if you tried to spend anywhere else, and streets in Bruce Springsteen's homestate. Bruce would be so proud as I bought the boardwalk, where he probably made out with that prom queen or whatever on.

Anyway, when playing this aging classic, I realized a central truth: Technology is a beautiful new innovation. Because being the Banker took a lot out of me, as it was way too much math. I responded by buying the computer version of Monopoly.

Robots are going to take over the world as we're too lazy to do this crap ourselves. We will rely on these things to take showers, eat, brush our teeth, and just about everything else. If the power goes out during the storm, we're screwed. Good night, and bad luck.

Here I am.....

2011-09-13T11:43:00.005+01:00

Here I am, Colonel Sanders, Illogicopedia extraordinare. I have contributed 180 mad ramblings for the site, and am ready to grunt out my insanity on the IllogiBlog as well. I went through a very secret process with the owner of the Blog, Sir Harry Yak. I sent him my private information, namely my email address and social security number. I approved his request, and created an account for the great internet anti-privacy mogul, Google. Wait, they're probably reading this right now! Oh noes! I hear the cop cars!!!!!

Bloody miscreants. As a new blogger, I suppose I should give my mission statement:

I pledge to you, the reader, to publish stuff that doesn't make a shred of sense for your amusement. I will not allow myself to divert into insightful commentary on meaningful things.

Well, that's about it for now. Colonel Sanders signing off, reminding you to eet moar chickun!

A Chicken in need, is a Magnate in deed

2011-09-12T18:59:00.000+01:00

This Editor's spotlight shines like a MASER upon the most notorious of our chicken-banana related love stories and self-proclaimed banana-storage Ouroboros. This dude is sure to sneak up on your article, give is a perusal and tell you why you're nose is the Cheez Whiz.

Not old enough to have a father that smelled of elderberry, this plucky fellow has the chicken parts in his bosom to pursue a righteous path of Illogic. By now you know we speak of Colonel Sanders. Supreme Overlord over yonder, at Simple English Uncyclopedia the ovine crenulator endeavors to smear the planet with the raw craziness that hamstrings his career as a goal tender for Australian Rules Jousting.

Most notable among this avian miscreant's attributes is his superior skills at crushing babies. Never has the world of competitive baby crushing seen such a cut, regal yet slimy champion, a record breaker among giants in the field. Please join us on Setemper 9J at the Lowell Memorial Auditorium at the first annual world Class Baby Crushing event, where this fine young man will represent us.

I am not a number, I am a free man!

2011-09-09T22:29:00.004+01:00

Our Klingon correspondent TheHappySpaceman, also known as Klingon Man or Dan the Hedgehog, recently woke up with a huge hangover and not remembering what had happened the night before. Luckily, he had his camcorder with him.
"Where am I?"
"In the village."
"What's for breakfast?"
"Buttered scones."
"What do you want?"
"Information."
"Like, what kind of information?"
"Your family cookie recipe."
"You won't get it!"
"By hook or by crook, we will."
"Who are you?"
"The new #2."
"Dare I make a joke about number two having an alternate meaning for dung?"
"No."
"Who is #1?"
"Who the hell knows? Anyway, you're #69."
"I am not a number! I am a free man! Though, that is quite a good selection you made for which number I am..."

Luckily, Dan woke up lying on his couch. Realizing that he had been watching too much of The Prisoner recently, Dan turned on a Star Trek and went back to bed.

Thoughts on thoughts

2011-09-09T20:21:00.000+01:00

These thoughts are about weird thoughts. We all have them sometimes. I suspect some contributors to Illogicopedia have them more often than some. Witness Salvador Dali in this picture. That dude's got some awesomely weird thoughts. Talking Heads? More weird thoughts about water at the bottom of the ocean and such. If you're hoping for some deep analysis of the weirdness of people generally and ?pedians specifically, I only say, I am not here to disappoint. Really, that's all I have to say.

What to do, when you don't know if it's actually a bot

2011-09-09T19:26:00.000+01:00

When my email comes in from Anonymous on this blog, I like to file it without reading until such time as I am in the proper frame of mind to savor such dreck. This particular one, from a fellow named Andreas Rotea, made me wonder, though. Does any blog rate for this sort of treatment?

So, I went to check this fellow's site out. Wowsers! Andreas could help me do something I can do myself for low costs. Inspired, I read everything he had to say.

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Where do I sign up?!?! Jesus, there are a million tools on the internet designed to facilitate the distribution of drivel in droves. Why do I need Andreas? By the way, I didn't use his real name. Looking at his pidgin web site, he struck me as stupid, self-important and litigious.

Retractable Landing Gear Week

2011-09-09T18:35:00.000+01:00

They want us to be distracted. We're all stupid to them. We don't lust after the Benz, the private jet... the social games... so, we must be stupid. So, they make sure we only get to choose the most stupid of the stupid.

There was a time when having a university degree conveyed a good likelihood that you were somewhat well-read, and could manage to discuss things a bit more crucial to the advancement of the species than Budweiser and what the kids want on TV.

We're in a sad state. What do you want me to tell you? That being said, we've always been in a sad state. The pressures I complain of are simply inevitable. If it weren't this, it would be that.

That being said, I recommend celebrating Retractable Landing Gear Week with aplomb and ashram. Be classy, tell your neighbor their yard looks nice, wear a tight corset, tutu, gas mask, cowboy hat and cover yourself in Wesson Oil.

YABOS or Yet Another Burden On Society

2011-09-01T15:52:00.000+01:00

I suppose it had to happen eventually. Some weirdo up and decided that what the world needs is more dreck of our ilk in the form of the Illogicomedia Foundation. Founded by Cluck Loonie in the year Buckauwk, the illustrious organization claims to be able to predict earthquakes. Previous attempts have failed capitally, primarily because there have been no previous attempts. We must thank the Bard for his fevered hallucinatory efforts in this direction, since he did it. Or rather, maybe we could condemn him as a purveyor of nonsense and such, corrupter of modern youthishness.

Meh... as long as he doesn't get his hands on any plutonium, the captain can say "Make it so" long into the morning hours, without fear of vampire attack.

While we're on the subject, here's a whoring of my recent article, Sandwich Demons.

Saturday chicken musings, laced with anger management videos

2011-08-28T02:18:00.000+01:00

The Reptilians are definitely increasing in power and influence. The Bilderbergers are up to their old dirty tricks again, lacing prime time television with anger management video footage, subliminally implanted by Roberto and his allies in the Illuminati.

At the gym, Reptilians are the ones buying all the steroids and Human Growth Hormone. Your supervisor at the glue factory is probably a Reptilian.

This brings me to chickens. What's with all the chicken related legislation lately? Americans, Brits, and many other "democracies" are suddenly afflicted with chickeny fears. It oozes from their pores, mars the complexion... should we, the proletariat, be afraid? You remember what Uncle Pete did with 8 chickens last week? I think we're in trouble.

My Friday (disjointed) Thoughts

2011-08-26T14:25:00.010+01:00

It's dope, this factuloidism. He didn't amount to much as a mushroom. Yes. No. It didn't matter. What lies? I want out of drinking bizarre potions and making sense. I woke up after another intensive desolate episode with shades of escaping it.

You'll want for gold light in this calaverous county, the sort which shines at the perfect insomnia. Fleas are swarms of truth. There could be stores nearby, and I was going toward the raw primordia that gives birth discretely. Purple had it so cold, black and in the sandman's grasp: the wandering Jew.

A moment unforgettable. I know it's more than festive. Even now, and way back when, everafter, and now and then.

Celebrating the Holy Festival of 5 Bananas

2011-08-21T18:08:00.000+01:00

Simply as a matter of convenience, the reunleashing of the IllogiTurtles took place this morning, Eastern Standard Time. Careening dangerously around corners in their modified golf cart of vengeance, this didactic duo promulgates the Word that is... Illogic (eeble sonk). According to the Book Of All That Be Banana, today is the Holy Festival of 5 Bananas, and we will celebrate accordingly.

First, let me warn readers that they should not approach these messengers from the beyond casually, or at all, if possible. They can do horrible things with bananas... horrible!

Secondly, once you start eating the bananas, do not stop until you have consumed 5, or a multiple of 5. Otherwise, Bonjook will be displeased, and will dispatch a minotaur to decapitate your family.

That's it, then. Happy Holy Feast of 5 Bananas and we'll speak again during Retractable Landing Gear week.

Do you smell that?

2011-08-21T02:19:00.001+01:00

Good gravy! The President eats worms! Look at the picture, clear evidence of his deviance. The well-honed Political Desk at IllogiNews is no doubt covering this story at length, so I won't waste any more of your time with it.

The Illogicopedian Times, an ignoble inside newsletter at ?pedia, has been jump-started again, for those of you who follow such things. Paris Hilton will grace the cover, posed dead as we'd all love to see her. Barbara Streisand is interviewed, gives her side of the South Park Mecha-Barbara Streisand debate. Mel Gibson tells us why he loves ?pedia, despite a dearth of anti-Semitic articles.

The sports section for this issue covers Australian Rules Jousting, a game played on motocross bikes, with lances, grenades and lasers. This variation on the ancient joust does not allow the wearing of armor, and players must be well-lubricated with hard liquor before the start of play.

Pros and Cons

2011-08-14T00:09:00.002+01:00

If any of you out there have played the video game Sonic the Hedgehog, you'll know how the characters from it always defeat the villains and save the day. But have you ever wondered how they would do in real life? Well, our writer and Klingon correspondent TheHappySpaceman has started a new webcomic stating the pros and cons of Sonic characters being your roommates. (And there are actually some major cons.)

You can find more comics on the official Pros and Cons website and on TheHappySpaceman's deviantART page.

Next up is Eggman.

Don't tell me what to do!

2011-08-12T18:39:00.003+01:00

Login error
There seems to be a problem with your login session; this action has been canceled as a precaution against session hijacking. Please hit "back" and reload the page you came from, then try again.

I imagine some of our readers watch Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network, once in a while. It's a collection of "adult" cartoons played between the hours of 10:00pm and 6:00am Eastern Standard Time, catering to a variety of unusual personalities.

Anyway, there's this bump, a little clip that usually is placed between the end of a commercial and the beginning of a show, that has the world's most awful "musicians" ever, doing this song. I've clipped their song's refrain to use as title for this post, since I am getting sick of Illogicopedia telling me what to do.

A warning to Roberto: I've been training with Lance Armstrong.

Roberto has attacked our servers... again. (yawn)

2011-08-12T18:09:00.003+01:00

It's that time of year again: the time when the good old hacker Roberto (or Roberta, or Oscar, or whatever the fnurdle he is called) goes out of his way to hack our servers. But this time, he's left more of a mark. Not a permanent scar, I hope, but definitely a mark.

As some of you may have noticed (No shit, Sherlock) the buttons on the top that usually say "Insane page," "Babbling," "Go insane," and "Past frenzies" have been changed to plain old boring "Page," "Discussion," "Edit," and "History." And nothing was spared, either. When I went to petaQ'a'pedia, the tab that usually says "ghItlh" now has been changed to the namespace "tlh." AAAAAAAAA!

So I wondered how Roberto has been taking care of himself financially. I looked it up online, and guess what? He's mentioned in a song.

I'm sure you've all heard of Lady Gaga. But did you know that, for some obscure reason, she mentions Roberto in her song "Alejandro"? Listen to the verses:

Don't call my name, don't call my name, Alejandro
I'm not your babe, I'm not your babe, Roberto

Don't you think that's kind of bizarre? Why would she say Roberto specifically?

Oh yeah, she also mentions cilantro.

Don't bother me, don't bother me, cilantro.

Eh...

We're famous!

2011-08-11T18:46:00.000+01:00

The bible of mental disorders, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV), will list a new disorder in the next month's publication. Illogicopedic Surreality Syndrome AKA Bull Goose Loony Syndrome, a condition brought on by prolonged exposure to Illogicopedia, will be defined as, "a condition whereby the patient experiences articles read at the Illogicopedia wiki web site as a substitute for the "real world". Some symptoms include atypical drooling, incessant reading of Illogicopedia articles, snorting coffee grounds and attempting to use the sphincter as a musical instrument (particularly in imitation of French Horn or mandolin).

Readers should be aware that they might even now be under the influence of Illogicopedicism, and headed down the corridor to a cell, where you get a special jacket and lots of jello. I don't want to scare anybody, but I'm getting the hell out of the country before the really bad stuff starts. Good night, and good luck.

Has Uncle Pete hit rock bottom?

2011-08-11T18:22:00.007+01:00

After Uncyclopedia's Forest Fire Week 2011, Nerd42 and Kevillips tied for the petaQ'a'pedia logo contest and the discovery of Cheeses, you'd think there couldn't be any more controversies. But then again...

It seems that Uncyclopedia, ?pedia's well-known competitor, has had an error that made all of the pages look like plain old HTML. Not at all like Wikipedia's new look, which is obviously what they wanted it to look like.

Well, we at ?pedia say go get 'em! Anything that takes the heat off of us and Roberto, Roberta, oscar.uncyclomedia.org or whoeverthehellheis is awesome. (Plus I'm still mad at them for huffing all my articles in the Forest Fire Week 2011.)

That reminds me: did you know that Encyclopædia Dramatica is lower than ever?

The Talking Pickle, Part 1

2011-08-10T16:52:00.003+01:00

I'm quite chuffed over the results of the Pickle this year. So much so, that I recorded an audio adaptation of my prize-winning entry! So, without further ado:

Diary of a Madman by The-Bard

Here's hoping that my colleague Gruntled, winner of the prestigious Inflatable Hammer, will follow suit and record a version of his winning piece. As we were both decorated news anchors on some other forgettable wiki, I know he's well up to the task.

Sunday Super Spambot Summer Special

2011-08-07T11:26:00.010+01:00

As I type, a great chunk of Illogicopedia's userbase will be enjoying their summer holidays, most likely kicking over sandcastles or standing on a beach in their overcoats. Spambots, however, never take a vacation. They're ever alert to the possibility of a quick scam, and will stop at nothing to let it be known that one can purchase bootleg copies of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Alcatraz, or the latest Apple iGadget you wouldn't even dream of buying.

I'll say one thing about the spammers, though. They do seem to love the Illogiblog, and why shouldn't they? Illogicopedia is the perfect website for a bunch of Engrish-babbling half-literates with shady ulterior motives. Er, that's not to accuse anybody of anything, of course.

"35. Magnificent web site. A lot of useful info here. I am sending it to several friends ans also sharing in delicious. And obviously, thanks for your sweat!" -- Online Computer Tradings

Hey, what did I tell you about saying stuff like that on a public forum? If you must know, readers, my top secret underground business flogging bottled sweat has so far been rather successful. By this, I mean the cops have yet to bust me. By the way, if anyone wants any, you know how to contact me...

"Hi,
Yes, really. So happens.
Truden" -- FRGPorn

What's this, a message from the Porn Bureau of the Federal Republic of Germany? Oh no, I've been transported back in time to the mid-80s, where the Berlin Wall still exists and people speak in cryptic verse! Hilfe!

"i conception this was a unreservedly great vocation to peruse. i’ll check favour for new posts by you." -- Roosevelt Dauzart

Coming from such an esteemed person as Roosevelt Dauzart, that's certainly high praise. Or at least, I think it is - this comment might be a job application, for all I know. Whatever the case, thanks for taking the time to leave a message on our blog, ~~ya sad barstool!~~

"Please prison posting, I unqualifiedly fancy your penmanship." -- Leonia Noris

Ah, alliteration! Alter any aliens at an aquarium. Also, do you fancy my penmanship enough to marry me? No? Well, what if I buy one of your... wait, just what the heck is it you are trying to sell me here, prisons? Man, some of these spambots ought to take a good, long look in the mirror and ask themselves if they are in the right profession.

Shorties (comments to which I could not muster a half-witty response, not that any in the main section were that humorous, but anyway...)

"Lover, this web site will be fabolous, i just enjoy it" -- Palemona (I'm not your lover, brother)
"Companion, this fabulous website is undoubtedly fabolous, i merely think itrrrs great" -- Cieszyrad (AKA Tony the Tiger, clearly a 'close friend' of Palemona)
"hey, your website is excellent. Me appreciate your do the job" -- Zbygniew (Evidently a caveman from a Hannah Barbera cartoon)
"Racing with car racing games is thrill-filled and gives the real life experience of how it is like" -- One (Erm, no it isn't. I wouldn't use Gran Turismo as a driving test aid. Look where it got me.)
"Find all that is about News is important." -- Barnard Lindinha (Not always. I find current affairs stand-up comedians relatively unimportant.)

That's enough for now, because I get the feeling from the look on your face that you need to go and do something important, like make your dinner.

Workin' for a Gherkin: Pickle winners announced!

2011-08-06T14:10:00.003+01:00

The Pickles have been sat maturing in the fridge for just over a week now, so we thought it time for them to be released unto the Illogicopedian public. Mostly because the smell became overbearing to the point they had to be wrapped in chlorine rags on Wednesday (which did nothing to mask the smell, and actually made things worse), but also because we don't like to keep you all waiting. Roberto did his best to thwart proceedings, but we have once again prevailed, much to your credit. That's right, you -- the users of Illogicopedia! Well done to you all. Except you, Akyla2aGN2, you dirty spammer!

Wha? Oh, er, yeah. The results are here, and in the coming hours/days I shall be placing the best entries on VFF for you to decide whether or not they should appear on the front page. You can spot the Pickle VFFs by the little jar of pickles in the top right of the voting template. Now go and do it, tights dog compels you!

Membership Drive Draws to a Close

2011-08-05T14:14:00.009+01:00

Well, Howdy Pardners,

Well, it's that time of year again—the time when we pull off our boots and gloves (and probably those of any nearby folks we can hog-tie) so we can reckon a full headcount of the number of mangy varmits; lazy, swindling cokepokes; and ornery, no good galoots that signed up this week to rustle articles over yonder at the Double-? Ranch.

Wow. Only one paragraph in and I'm completely sick of the cowboy vernacular.

Anyway, here are the statistics from our Semi-Annual ~~Triangle Ring~~ Membership Drive:

SpamBots	Sockpuppets	Actual Users
MishelbWOR1 Mishel8oo7 AkylaQaisH AnnaM7uR PodpolerirY Akylaikln Puwok2008yPf1 PodpoleKGkf5 Akyla2aGN2 AkylagSosu MishelcoOPB Puwok2008jttg Puwok2008R8oN AngelSlayerfreHY PodpoleTH1m Akylan9Rp Akyla29U1H PodpolejrZm AkylaYYXK	Arrhythmia Dr. Skullhumper	Juan / Quan Witty Phantom ICameHereInACloche
19	2	3½

All in all, greater than the numbers we'd projected.

The SpamBots were far and away the most prolific article writers, though we've observed a significant decline in the quality of their humour. Sadly, they were all sent to the gallows and their articles to the abattoir. The socks provided much more interesting content, though it too was mostly deleted (for tax reasons) and their accounts burned (because we were concerned some of you sillies might mistake them for actual users).

So, our three n00bies of the week: ICameHereInACloch, who we hope will make a first edit sometime very soon; Juan/Quan, who despite having a split personality does have one edit (redirecting Quan to Juan); and Witty Phantom who by virtue of writing a full article is a shoo-in for Illogicopedian of the Month.

Thank you, everyone!

More idol threats

2011-08-04T04:55:00.000+01:00

As the idol of millions (of bacteria, parasites et. al. living in my body, depending on my continued existence for their continued existence), my major life's decisions become a concern to multitudes. I am extremely important, obviously. That is why I and my dependents are concerned that I am considering joining the Army. Being reduced to this simple blog to channel my evil machinations, cut off from Illogicopedia, so to speak, I fear my "talent" are being wholly wasted. This fear has manifested itself in tentacle growth, psychic activity, localized earthquakes and other disturbing phenomenon. The neighbors, I suspect, are beginning to suspect something, I think.

Younch notwithstanding, aliens are also making a nuisance of themselves. The space kind, I mean to say. There's a bunch of them that gather weekly, the next street over. They pretend to play music with instruments, possibly rock and roll, but are so awful it's an obvious cover for invasion planning sessions.

Regional finals for the Olympic trials in the 8 meter downhill speed pooping event are being held at the local minor league baseball stadium here, just across the river from here. I'll be able to hear the announcer, chatting about poop and sports, and feel like, nothing has really changed.

A personal note to Roberto

2011-08-02T17:49:00.000+01:00

Oh, you're leading us a merry chase indeed, Roberto! We've caught on to your trick, leaving false tracks with your cute little "kitty geta". Know this, arch-foe... Illogicopedia Special Forces, among them myself, The Bard, a certain Yak, Carl from next door and something over 41 Nerds are in hot pursuit.

And when we catch you, boy, you'll only wish we'd waterboard you. Among our band is a specialist in 88 types of urethra-based tortures. Oh, we have plans for you, Roberto. Be very afraid.

Unless... you let me upload pictures again.

Roberto? Why do you hate us so?

2011-08-01T18:27:00.000+01:00

I am convinced that Karl Rove (pictured, note the glow about him, caused by interference from a Holy Ghost Armor System) is in league with the Devil and Roberto. The mission, of course, is to irritate ?pedians. Working on an article that, if I do say so myself, is brilliant, I was halted from uploading a hilarious 'shopped picture to finish it off.

Here he is, pictured in his sinister Mouseketeering attire, expounding on the proliferation of owl pellets on his front porch. Picture the rotund, ridiculous little man listening to My Morning Jacket because he heard them on Family Guy and thought it would make him look cool. No, Mr. Rove, you are certainly not cool, nor is there any potential, given the finite time during which the universe is capable of sustaining the existence of such a life form as Karl Rove, for you to be cool. Give it up, sir. You have failed.

Won't you please work for food?

2011-07-31T17:46:00.000+01:00

Admittedky Illogicopedia isn;t the literary outlet for eeeryvody. Ah, forgot my glasses... there, that's better. So, for instance, one might claim they saw bigfoot in the garage using a belt sander. What does one do with that? ?pedia is one possible outlet for the impulse to write such dreck.

So, if like my Malaysian friends, you are, "up with your froggies on the amber market", so to speak, then create an "IF-THEN" control structure in your own life. Think of it as purging your demons and getting free lectures from Tony Robbins.

So, if you find yourself in need of a good hyena blazing during these, the coming dog days, then please come on over to IllogicoPedia and lay some crappy crap on us, baby.

Semi-Annual Illogicopedia Membership Drive

2011-07-28T12:00:00.006+01:00

Well, it's that time of year again—the time when our brethren and sistren at another, unnamed competing wiki, burn scores of unloved articles to the ground during their bimonthly Forest Fire Week event. If you're a lover of great illiterature, that means that in all likelihood you'll be mourning the loss of a loved one, or a loved one's loved one, by early next week.

That said, this is a fortuitous time to remind you that here at Illogicopedia we have a more generous eye toward total quality. Our dedicated volunteer administrators and support staff can really sense the affection you feel for your compositions, so we're willing to stand back and provide adequate berth to allow your writings to come to their full fruition.

Granted, in most cases this will lead to them accumulating mold, termites or dry rot, falling into disfavour, disuse and disrepute, and eventually fading away into complete obscurity... but at least they'll still be there to show your children someday: "My God did I really write that? I'm truly sorry. It was a phase I was going through, apparently. This is why I've pushed you so hard to get a good education."

Criticism. Rejection. We understand. It hurts less when it comes from yourself.

Our annual membership drive begins in full force on Monday, but Ops will be standing by starting this Friday, waiting to welcome you home at illogicopedia.org. Be sure to ask for your complimentary welcome template. Supplies are limited.

27,000 smackers down the pan. Cheers, Wikipedia

2011-07-27T19:28:00.009+01:00

Dear Wikimedia Foundation,

It's all your fault. Why did you have to crash mere hours before my final paper on Advanced Illiteracy? My whole university education is riding on your provision of articles 24/7 for me to copy-paste into this 200-word preparatory dissertation, and you can't even function correctly?

Refer to the below image as incontrovertible proof of your misdeeds.

Because of your ~~incontinence~~ incompetence, I shall most likely fail and resort to utilising Illogicopedia as a source. It will get me a higher grade, but it's hardly worth it when you're reduced to nicking poorly constructed jokes from a bunch of college drop-outs with a grasp of humour that would make even [name removed] wince. And I hate that idiot. Always rambling on about how it's his predecessor's fault and he's the greatest thing since the portable particle accelerator.

As compensation, I suggest you employ me to research and insert 'facts' to prominent articles. I demand five times minimum wage or my head lecturer will hear about it. And you know who that is? Well, neither do I, but he has some pretty high-ranking contacts in the world of server sabotage, or something.

Consider this a threat,

Peter T. Pearson Esq.

Illogicomedia acquires oceanic circulation

2011-07-26T14:37:00.000+01:00

Following in the footsteps of super-sensational Black Metal band Metalocalypse, researchers at IllogicoLabs have developed an effective media delivery system for fishes.

Says Dr. Zinbat Calliflorensia of IllogiLabs LLC, "By far the greatest challenge was to adapt bananas with seaworthy gills."

We are adopting a modified Microsofteseque Blitzkrieg methodology with which to quickly and massively saturate the markets in all major oceans and seas. Although holding an initial monopoly on marine fish as an audience, we realize that alone will not guarantee far-reaching success and permanent world domination potential. That is why we have acquired a fleet of decommissioned Soviet submarines. If necessary, we can interfere with merchant shipping long enough to focus our fleet of laser shark satellites on cowboys.

Stop and smell the coffee

2011-07-24T18:04:00.000+01:00

We had another successful mission last night. Across the street by the old hospital parking lot, we put up these fliers in the interest of furthering our illogical agenda. This morning we went back, and lots of tabs were taken.

In a fantasy life, each of those slips of paper will make it's way into a church or government institution, left to molder and subtly infiltrate the brainpans of innocent and guilty alike. Some day, we tell ourselves, those so-called normal people will have to take a back seat to the BULL GOOSE LOONY.

It's like an itch you can't burn with a butane plumbers torch. Nobody expects anything more than obscure references to Igor Stravinsky and his plan to rule Europe and North Africa.

Food that eats you

2011-07-24T05:14:00.000+01:00

Maybe scarier than Jaws

So, I went to the Asian market the other day to buy some stuff. A squirt gun to piss off my cats, some lottery tickets, a basketball and the old Fiat X 1/9 wheels in the window was on my shopping list. Then I started thinking about food.

I like banjo music a lot, so I grabbed cans randomly in two different aisles. Most of the stuff was vaguely fish-related, as were a couple of dozen bottles of assorted sauces and magical powders.

So, I get home and unpacked the groceries, separating things by likelihood that I would eat the contents. Opening cans in order, three in, I came across this vaguely crocodilian face, snapping its jaws and trying to eat me. As excited as I am about an Extended Illogic Pickle, I feel that a reptile jumping from your food, trying to kill and eat you, would make a much more badassed award. Just sayin'

Illogiblog bumper summer spam crop

2011-07-22T11:03:00.011+01:00

It is my considered opinion that we should henceforth cease editing Illogicopedia and leave generation of content to the Spambots. These days, they're among the most randumb, gibbering and downright silly creatures contributing to the project, a pleasant reminder of the kind of content we were churning out in years past. Makes you wonder if the likes of Quagsire and Zerotrousers have returned to their illogical routes and become spam machine programmers. Don't believe me? Then check these out.

"T was a specimen of what she had to expect.
But miss pecksniff really had fainted away.
Rs todgers! Said charity, jinkins! I am afraid there must be some." -- sligillatiaky

How wonderful, a profound piece of poetic prose if ever I saw one. Apart from the bit about Rs todgers, which kind of spoils things with risqué double-entendre. Hmm, maybe I expect too much from what is essentially a series of 1s and 0s arranged in semi-intelligent fashion.

"Damned cooperative, I determination definately be returning because i set out on my consequent after task." -- wholesale Hawks jerseys

Yeah, those blasted cooperative people! I hate them, with their jovial nature and ability to remain sensible in the most irrational of situations. Nice alliteration there, Hawky, but you need to consult your bot dictionary a few more times. After which time, return for yet more punishment.

"You have made a very nice blog. Your texts is extremely good content. It would be super with a widget like Facebook like bottom." -- Dolasetsgog

High praise indeed from the mighty Dolasetsgog, there, and an opinion on Facebook with which most would agree. Wait, was that last word supposed to read 'button'? Who knows.

"Wow! This site looks exactly like my old one! It’s on a entirely different topic but it has pretty much the same layout and design. Excellent choice of colors!" -- IrrambCoork

If you are accusing me of pinching your old design scheme, you are very much mistaken, sir. I mean, what do robots know about web design? If the internet were built by spambots like you, I daresay we'd all have gone back to teletext by now.

"41. Wonderful work! This is the type of info that should be shared around the web. Shame on Google for not positioning this post higher! Come on over and visit my site. Thanks =)" -- cigarettes buy online

So, trying butter me up, are you? Well, it isn't gonna work, because I'm afraid I don't smoke. Though I agree with you on the Google thing, I feel you just made that up to persuade me to purchase your ill-gotten goods. 4,951.

Quickies

"Where exactly is the facebook like link?" -- Edwardo (It's here)
"Hi there, I ethically like reading your posts, offer you!" -- buy swarovski (Cheers, it isn't often Illogiblog is described as 'ethical'.)
"k4q2cy5mwljb" -- Vernice Goltra (...the piggie is in the pokey. I repeat: the piggie is in the pokey...)
"Do you offer new bloggers the chance to write on your blog? I would love to be a contributing author." -- Hinger games trailer (Yes, we do accept new editors, but you simply aren't random enough for the Illogiblog. Please don't ask again.)

I'll close this post with a quite apt comment from How to Unlock IPhones (what kind of a name is that, anyway?).

"Thanks for another excellent post. Keep rocking."

You should get that rash looked at...

2011-07-22T02:30:00.002+01:00

Harry Potter and the Mall-walkers of Doom, the latest dollop of the franchise, is being filmed in Katmandu, Nepal starting August 25 this year. Executive producer Danika Patrick told Illoginews recently in an exclusive interview that, "I'm so gassed at the prospect of doing the first film in spoken Klingon."

Also coming so to select theaters is instant scifi classic Greek Laser Bunnies From Space, an actioner with the Olsen twins starring as a gigantic pink gift bunny, Jerry Garcia as himself and Adam West as a fast talking, speedo wearing, ray gun wielding antihero with a god complex. Because director Kurt Yudfnorch refused to stop calling little people midgets, a last minute substitution of Masai warriors were called in to play the Ewoks, a surprisingly good decision.

Is Illogiblog really that bad?

2011-07-21T04:51:00.005+01:00

It has come to our attention here at Illogiblog that reading much of the content here is a lot like being sprayed by owl vomit. Well, not vomit precisely, but whatever is in the picture (right), it's certainly more than just water. So, if that's what my writing is doing to you, poor dear readers, I say, "What's wrong with you, subjecting yourself to such drivel? Are you some kind of lab experiment with an inconceivable tolerance for crap?!"

In back country Finland, watching owls projectile vomit is considered a sport. Villages compete for distance records, number of horks per event, number of humans caused to throw up because of the spectacle and other obscure and untranslatable awards having to do with lots of snow and caribou.

Well, I don't know about you, but I learned something today.

Attention: Illogic Pickle extended

2011-07-19T12:53:00.009+01:00

Calling all potential participants of the Illogic Pickle Party! Due to unforeseen circumstances, the deadline for Illogicopedia's premier writing contest has been extended by one week. You now have until midnight UTC on 29 Jumbly 2011 to assemble your abomination for presentation to the judges. So, get pickling today!

If the site continues to run slowly we may further extend the deadline to allow more entrants, but for the time being, assume 29 Jumbly to be the final date. So yeah, ignore this paragraph. And the following one, for it too contains mistruth.

Fried pickles taste better than battered, buttered onion. There are thirteen people living on the moon. Gordon Bennett was the fifth Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. My butt aches.

Illogicopedia implicated in News of the World phone hacking scandal

2011-07-17T19:09:00.013+01:00

Internet website Illogicopedia was targeted by phone hackers from British tabloid News of the World, it has been revealed today. It was previously thought Texan scam artist and all-round buttmunch Roberto had a hand in the Great Illogico Crash of 2009, though recent revelations suggest it was in fact Rupert Murdoch (pictured right with an acquaintance) who personally infiltrated the Illogicopedia servers and inserted malicious code, also known as 'voyruses'.

A quick inspection of the Illogicopedia mainframe confirms this theory, as the following message accompanying a series of gobbledegook lines of code looks to have been added on 6 August 2008:

**This sit bin hacked my Turkish militants** From the desk of Sir Rupert Murdoch Esquire.

This, along with the fact two separate Illogicopedia administrators received a suspicious phone call from a man identifying himself only as 'Rupert' on the same day of the alleged hack is solid proof that the News of the World has been poking around for dirt, possibly on the extracurricular activities of the site's users, whom International News Corp. deems 'feckin' eejits'.

Thankfully, since penguins can't talk (well, the ones in Sheffield anyway) and I never remember to switch my phone on, no information was scraped by NotW. Instead, it seems they planted a nasty virus that would crash Illogicopedia on 11 September 2009, an attack that would shake the servers to the very core.

It took the site one week to recover from Murdoch's attack, though users reported being 'cheesed off' and 'a little bit sweaty' for months after. Granted, this is normal for most Illogicopedia users, but the moment Roberto was mentioned, sales of keyboards to replace the thousands of shattered computer peripherals (and deodorant) skyrocketed. Subsequent repair jobs cost Illogicopedia an estimated 200 hours in editing time, plus I spilled my coffee which takes total expenses incurred to approx. US$1.99.

A Rational Wiki? Hardly.

2011-07-17T12:46:00.007+01:00

According to RationalWiki, Illogicopedia was founded in 1368 by demons with a sworn duty to uphold the Papacy, Freemasonry and the War on Drugs. This is ridiculous, of course, and what kind of Illogipedian would I be if I didn't register as a ~~troll~~ user at RationalWiki and correct this situation?

Meanwhile, as I distracted you with my first paragraph, the head honchos from Illogicopedia have kidnapped this poor fellow (in the refrigerator). Apologies to Trent, whom I picked at RationalWiki to play a character in this story. He happened to be the magical user who created the RationalWiki About page. He will be held until we are satisfied that ?pedia will have the opportunity to defend itself on it's own illogical terms. Aeeble, and needless to say, no Sonk.

Amateur vulcanologist and monkey enthusiast Palpatia Smugway of Shepard's Bush is to be brought in as a consultant on this important matter. The part of James Tiberius Kirk will be played by a rotting deer carcass, and Ricardo Montalban will materialize out of thin air to load cargo into a Boeing 767. A mounting crescendo of cacophonic howler monkeys will complete the suite of acts in this piece of performance art.

Thoughts of the week, July 15, 2011

2011-07-15T16:17:00.007+01:00

30. SPRAINTS – Otter dung.

Trying to assume the illogical point of view is not always as easy as it sounds. In fact, it is infinitely more difficult to be consistently illogical than to simply exist in a barren wasteland of fear and collective reality, living with a code of strictest adherence to commonly held ideas of that logic is. An Illogician, one accomplished in the subtle art and science of Illogic, must be able to zoom in, expand out, make tenuous connections and be able to study a problem with the express intent of seeing it in a new light.

In my 40's I studied at University of Nescience, obtaining a Masters degree in Spiritual Reengineering and becoming ordained as a Minister UCTAA. I came away from this experience with a sense of wonder and a profound disgust with people who think they know much of anything at all. This qualifies me as an Illogician of supreme self-importance, and compels me to become the self-appointed chaplain for Illogicopedia and Illogiblog. Once again a legend in my own mind.

Bunnies have been on our minds this week. Horrible bunnies. Horrible bunnies will probably continue to make appearances here, at least for the near future.

Roberto has been a pain in our butts, again.

For better or worse, Illogitoons seems to be back. There are between 3 and 7.62 new comics now published in this venerable publication. Published... huh... interesting word... interesting, interesting, in-ter-res-ting... hmm... sounds funny when you say it with an, "Oh, my! I've just decapitated another warlock!" look on your face. Grunties...

We have a new entry for Illogidictionary. Due to the current sad state of server roberta, it will have to be deposited here in the interest of creating a permanent record.

Aeeble - (Frogreeklish) 1. A term describing the state of being entirely devoid of eeble and or sonk. 2. Used by Ostrogoths as a cry to herald the making of soup from the giblets. 3. An extension to the so-called Hegelian dialectic, aeeble is the term used to proscribe a hegelian dielectric for capacitance into a 7 dimensional Klein bottle.

YABK

2011-07-15T16:13:00.002+01:00

One man's vanity is another man's puppy-wuppy

2011-07-15T04:34:00.010+01:00

So, I've made another blog with loose ties to this here one, being as that it's all illogical too. Taking full advantage of the Illogicopedia's "you can even write about your dog" informal policy, my dog Frunobulax has begun her own venture into the blogosphere called Frunobublog. Ostensibly based on her quest for access to higher spiritual planes, the thrust of her nefarious writings are directed towards doing her best to be "Daddy's baby girl". She loves to be called that.

As I observe, Frunobulax is licking Auntie Carol's coffee cup. Apparently Nutrasweet is as good as sugar to her. In this picture she is performing an obscure Bon Po ritual to invoke a mountain demon named Fred. We're going to entice him with licorice, capture him and place him in a demon containment device and pay a visit to the Catholic church across the street. I so owe the Catholic church.

And Roberto strikes again! Just last night I started to write Monster Bunny. This morning, having been a kind and dutiful husband and doggie daddy, I "took care of business" around the house, performing morning rituals solo, in order to let Sister Zim_ulatrix sleep a bit late. She hasn't been feeling well lately, so I've been cutting her some slack. I've even given her a reprieve from the electric cage.

SPOILER ALERT!!

Monster Bunny is an article about a toy that belonged to Evelyn The Modified Dog. Or is it?

They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God.

2011-07-15T03:51:00.005+01:00

Recently God sent us on a mission to mess with Cleverbot's "mind". When Willie 'Too Big' Hall told Jake, "You'll never get Matt and Mr. Fabulous out of them high-payin' gigs," Jake replied, "Oh yeah? Well me and the Lord, we have an understanding."

For those of you who've been following the developing relationship between Cleverbot and Illogiblog, I refer you to my imaginary friend Pewequeeze.

He or she says that an unverified source quoted Cleverbot as claiming to be Pedobear. God's instructions, as best as he or she can recollect, were something about sending the bot into a petulant frenzy. Secretly God hoped the BearBot would cut his own head off with scissors. As far as the rest of the world was concerned, it was business as usual: illogic for its own sake.

Roberto the evil Monster Bunny

2011-07-14T18:40:00.003+01:00

Egads! Roberto has aligned himself with the ultimate evil force... Monster Bunnies!

His first official act was to censure a recent article on Illogicopedia, How To Mess With An AI Bot's Mind by applying his Cheese Grater of Doom (pictured left) to server roberta in a most undiginified manner. All illusions that Roberto might be a gentleman have been exploded, like cats shot from 155mm howitzer cannons. Even Puerto Ricans are afraid of him.

Bringing his signature submarine sandwich and large fries along for effect, the cutlery-wielding cyber-psychopathic demon, scourge of Medieval Christendom Roberto, showed up this morning at the lobby of Illogia world headquarters demanding equal coverage by some girl with a blue skullcap and snails stapled to her earlobes.

Watch out for Monster Bunnies: The Article, opening next week at an illogical wiki near you.

Bad Komik warning:may contain blasphemy

2011-07-12T23:03:00.005+01:00

A disturbing conversation

2011-07-12T21:34:00.003+01:00

On Wednesday, 27 April 2011, intrepid Illogiblogger Harry Yack interviewed Cleverbot
and discovered that he is not a bot, but simply an extremely aloof human being. Another interesting bit of information is that he said he had rabbit weasels for lunch that day.

This conversation, posted at ArtOfTrolling.com, casts another disturbing light on this memetic phenomenon.

I will speak to Cleverbot myself in the near future, and discuss these doubts incurred here with him/her/it. I'll make it into a game!

the site seems to be back up

2011-07-12T16:37:00.004+01:00

...so says the system report anyway. Special Tanks to Carlb ... enough to start his own army mayhaps. But still, somebody needs to see about making a backup of the entire site just in case. Mayhaps wikiteam may assistance be of some.

YABK (yet another Bad Komik), 1 each, government issued

2011-07-11T16:45:00.005+01:00

Push came to shove, as weasels ripped my flesh.

Bad Komik

2011-07-10T20:28:00.002+01:00

What is Illogicopedia's Erdős number?

2011-07-10T19:51:00.002+01:00

This question was posed by a Jedi master from Austin, Texas named Howard Pletootie. Here to address this interesting and deep question is Mrs. Sensei Gruntled (left, holding bucket). Her job is to catch the offal that composes the bulk of Illogicopedia's "work".

The good lady replied to this query using stealth e-mail with lasers. She said, "What's an Erdős number?" Well, I thought to myself that surely everybody knows it's the number of bacon strips in a breakfast side dish. The British, being civilized, substitute fish.

In the dark times before actors became state governors (type bonobo) and president, this question could not have been asked openly. Even the developers of ARAPAnet could scarcely imagine a world where such out of the box thinking was encouraged. It might as well be the set of Star Trek, for all the sons and daughters of hippies knew.

Doctor Who saves Illogicopedia

2011-07-09T22:59:00.005+01:00

Roberto, famed demon of the underwiki, has apparently been bested by all-time coolest dude Doctor Who. Yeah, the guy from BBC. I know, I said the same thing! it's an embarrassment, for sure. We Illogipedians came home from work and play today to find these service tags on our front doors.

Luckily, we avoided extermination by not being at home. This clue, however, brings us to the embarrassing part... we were saved by that cosmic weirdo Doctor Who, and now we're all looking a bit silly.

Illogicopedia lives!

2011-07-09T21:53:00.008+01:00

From the main page at Illogicopedia, approximately three million nanoseconds ago...

Before anyone pisses their pants that ?pedia is back from a coma, please put diapers on, because it's more like a stroke.

Here comes the boring factual part.

As some of you may well be aware, the site is working, but with a reduced feature set. That nasty Roberto error appears whenever you view a page with an embedded image. Since most pages contain images, most of the site is inaccessible.

Temporary measures

Visit the edit page for your signature (most likely located at en.illogicopedia.org/index.php?title=User:/sig&action=edit) and revise it so that it does not contain images. This means when you put your signature on a forum page, you won't bin the forum page. Anyone commenting using an image will be given a warning, and then banned if they persist.
Do not comment out images unless the page is very frequently used, such as talk pages. By commenting out images, since otherwise the site will be littered with commented out images when image functionality is restored, impairing the site more permanently, and we sure as hell know you won't be arsed to fix it again.
Continue to use ?pedia freely as per site policy.
Scream in anger whenever you visit a page that contains an image.
Cry yourself to sleep at night. It's how all good artists operate.
Usher in a renaissance where you rely solely on your literary prowess.

The Master uses suprise to make his subtle point

2011-07-08T17:39:00.011+01:00

Carl Jung discovered synchronicity in a Swiss coal mine. Shortly thereafter, the word "serendipity" was coined by Thomas Jefferson. Which brings me to the convergence of wikiHowl, my consciousness and Apocalypse Wiki. I knew someday Zazen would pay off.

So, this drivel spillage has run off into another wiki. The poor thing had been sitting in a closet, out of mind since 2008, and along comes some internet weirdo covered in guacamole. He decides to contribute to the wiki in the safest way he knows; by declaring that he is child proof and spiritually enlightened. "Yup", he said, "they call me Maury Satori back in Japantown." This is Gruntled's first contribution to a serious wiki.

Bad Komik arrives fresh from pre-emptive cancellation

2011-07-08T17:05:00.005+01:00

Contrary to minority opinion, Pancake's juxtaposition resumed normalization of data, only to realize too late that one ought to beware bears Greeking other bears.

End of the World Rant

2011-07-08T05:06:00.006+01:00

The Apocalypse has been on the minds of many Christians and others since it was first documented by St. John the Divine on the island of Patmos. To put things into perspective, though, this was the same time that St. Vitus Dance competitions became a craze, sweeping the Roman and Persian empires. The Aliens may be here any minute now. Since the ratification of the Strategic Doggie Fart Initiative by the United States Congress in 1967, a mounting fear has gripped the citizens of the world, in some cases, by the balls. Who knew, back in 1938 when Rudolf Cantankerheit designed the first weaponized doggie fart delivery system, that an arms race of canine gases would come to dominate the last half of the 20th Century?

Fortunately, there is a place you can go and find valuable information about the whens, wheres and hows of a potential world-ending event. It's run by a secretive blogger which calls itself User:127.0.0.1. Even the FBI can't locate this individual, credited with sowing panic into the masses by the dozen. Zombies, penguins, polar bears, Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, Jesus, undulating tentacles of a horror from beyond time and space and many other possible causes to the worlds end are carefully researched and documented on the Apocalypse wik i. Eeble. Sonk.

Thoughts of the week, July 8, 2011 Platinum Edition

2011-07-07T16:32:00.008+01:00

Smurfs: Hardcore starring Bruce Willis and Katy Perry will be coming out to select theatres in a couple of months, and I can hardly contain myself. The role of Gargamel is done entirely with CGI and a cardboard tube about 4 feet long.

Julian Assange was not in the news again this week. Even Uncle Pete hasn't seen hide nor hair of him. One may wonder, what is a Frenchman doing in Australia in the first place. It's all very suspicious, bordering on the unAmerican. More evidence of a continuing Cold War?

The British and the Poles are still irritating this week, insisting that pastries can be used as a carrot in the carrot and stick approach, when everybody knows pastries are not vegetables. A civilized discourse quickly degenerated into a slap and tickle when Cambodian diplomats applied for a fondue license.

Does it bother anybody else that Canadians rioted over the Stanley Cup, the Americas most coveted hockey trophy? What hope is there for humanity when the streets of Toronto are running with hockey loser blood?

Elsewhere, Illogicopedia is still in a state of petulant frenzy. A straw pole points to increased need for sedation and medication of contributors to the wiki, myself included. Since the majority of the "audience" for Illogicopedia consists primarily of the collective voices in the heads of we, the writers, most rest easy knowing that there will be no power outages or governments collapsing due to our absence from the interwebs.

Roberta has roundworm

2011-07-07T15:37:00.004+01:00

Illogicopedians and the infamous Roberto have once again become entangled in quantum mortal combat. Consequently, fans of illogic have been denied access to the world's foremost source of drivel. This will not do. In fact, it's caused some of us to start depositing more dreck here to offset the great cosmic imbalance created by the nefarious vaguely-Hispanic sounding-named villain we have all come to dread.

Particularly affected by this state of affairs are Uncyclopedian refugees, miscreants who, for some reason or other, have become disillusioned by Uncle Pete and his reign of terriers, or alternately, have been banned for life from the lamp of Sophia's countenance. We delusional wanderers of teh internets, harbingers of cacophonic hirsuteness, are somewhat distressed. Most of us have never experienced such an outage, lasting about a week now. Is it possible that Roberto and Uncle Pete have formed a temporary alliance? We may be witnessing a page from The Art of War here. The enemy of my enema is my enema bag?

Arf...

2011-07-06T03:21:00.005+01:00

That's mostly what Frunobulax says, and mostly what I say these days. I am some kind of elitist Poindexter, I know, but consider the following:

Ricky Gervais can be better than sex.
The Supreme Court will not allow yaks in chambers.
The guy in the picture has a doggie snoot.
There's no U in orgasm.

Next thing you know, Christmas will be rolling up on us. The poor Norwegian Blues, pining for the fjords, and Nancy's mom is drunk again. I think she's peed in the back seat. Next exit, out she goes.

Post-patriotism Fatigue Disorder

2011-07-05T16:02:00.004+01:00

Hung over, not from alcohol but from patriotic zeal abuse, I crawled out of bed this morning, performed initial ablutions, let Frunobulax out of her kennel and gave her a rawhide strip to keep her settled and quiet, made coffee and finally settled down with a fine cup of Chock Full 'O Nuts and a Winston cigarette to watch Adam Hochschild talk about The Great War. He pointed out that World War I was the last time the sons of aristocracy and the rich and powerful were sent off to war to fight and die in the front lines. Eeble, Sonk.

So, today's question is, "Why do we fight wars?" The short answer is that our brains haven't caught up the turbocharger we put on evolution, called by some, intelligence. I'm talking about a particular type, of course. You know what I mean.

So, we're mostly pretty stupid, "monkeys with car keys" according to Woody Allen. Being on the dole, I have plenty of time to think about this kind of thing. I realize it's an excercise in futility, but it helps when my pain medications aren't working.

Happy Fourth of July, no midgets allowed

2011-07-04T13:29:00.006+01:00

Today is the day when the deluded among us here in the US celebrate "independence" from Great Britain. Those of us who know better realize that this is a temporary situation, a stalemate during a long-standing civil war, and that eventually, reason will prevail and the Colonies will join Canada, declaring our allegiance once again to the Crown.

Channel 6 New England Cable News today reports that a New Hampshire non-profit group is attempting to put small plagues at 56 grave sites and homes across the United States. Needless to say, the patriotic among us (Americans, not those filthy foreigners) are concerned for the spiritual states of the rest of the heathens we share this God-given country with. Regina Hertz of Laconia, New Hamshire wears Chuck Norris earrings on the occasion of voting. She's pulled them out for hyena blazing purposes, protesting the wonton desecration of graves by disease. Pot-stickers and egg rolls are also right out, that's for sure.

Republican presidential hopeful Michelle Bachman in in Iowa today, pounding on a hay bail in furious repose. This is all happening at a a county fair, where she belongs. She's the one who keeps talking about midgets. It will probably earn her enough corn for the cold season, squeezings included.

While we're on the subject, IllogicoPedia has been down for days now, and I'm jonesing for someplace to deposit lumps of excess mind-plaque.

Being of French-Canadian rootage (and by this I mean ancestry... I am a third generation American citizen) means very little to me. When I was a child, however, I battled my Irish-descent friend in a Nazi sub with Australian grenades.

Having a dog tongue in your nostril can be unpleasant

2011-07-03T19:08:00.006+01:00

Harrowing accounts of deadly flying banana attacks have been reported at Illogicopedia's Rio Di Janerio offices. A fellow named Roberto has escaped the the mayhem to report exclusively to us as IllogiNews on the situation, such as it is. According to Roger, Roberto says robot bananas are the first strike shock troops that insinuate themselves into your nostrils. Sub-atomically, migraine structures become insinuated on the vascular bundles right next to your mom. Other gambits have been proposed by Darth Vader, Chiquita, Thessaly Boogers and Froogles MacKenzie.

Letters to the Editor: Spambots Edition

2011-06-25T12:43:00.007+01:00

Thanks to a recent upsurge in site activity, the Illogicopedia inbox has been overflowing with messages of praise, criticism and the promise of free prescription drugs for low, low prices. Nah, only joking - we'd be lucky to get one email a month.

But the Illogiblog's comments queue is literally filled with walls of text from the processors of spambots eager to peddle their Russian dating sites scribbled in semi-Engrish nonsense that wouldn't look out of place on the pages of Illogicopedia. To that end, here's a selection of the latest waste products fresh from the Illogiblog spambox.

Someone essentially help to make seriously articles I would state. This is the first time I frequented your web page and thus far? I amazed with the research you made to make this particular publish incredible. Fantastic job! -- Free Porn Videos

Always nice to be praised by a (fellow?) pornographer. At this rate, it looks as though we'll be a firm favourite from Hugh Hefner's bookmarks list before too long. Playboy, here we come baby!

Greetings We are very happy I discovered your site My partner and I actually discovered you through mistake, while I was searching upon Askjeeve regarding something else entirely, -- Flash websites

Whilst I am pleased by your enthusiasm for the Illogiblog, I wonder where you learned your punctuation. Was it the School of Placing Random Commas Wherever it Looks Nice? Or perhaps the Institute of Full Stop Loathers? Anyway, I shall pass your message to Askjeeve, whoever the eeble sonk he is.

It really is difficult to get informed persons for this matter, but you sound like you doubt know exactly what you are speaking about! With thanks -- Vernon

Aha, I see your usage of the Cloak of Doubt there, and as such I am not fooled by your excessive butteriness. Incidentally, you'll have a hard tasking finding persons more informed on the subject of sheer nonsense, so don't even try or we shall dispatch Bcbkye to place a pox upon your servers.

My partner and i knew I was appropriate. My buddy and My spouse and i placed a bet in relation to which web site was superior. I imagined your web site was superior created, but the lady believed this kind of post upon trendy design ideas was far better. We rounded up 5 family members memebers who had not seen often website prior to to study them each more than. Majority chose your internet site. Thanks regarding maintaing an incredible site. -- How to get rid of cellulite

This one was just creepy. To round up three family members is foolish; to round up five is tantamount to creative suicide, especially where Illogicopedia is concerned. On that rather disturbing note, I shall leave you for now.

Illogicopedia users "a bunch of illiterates": Alexa

2011-06-24T15:15:00.008+01:00

In a scathing attack on Illogicopedia's userbase, internet ranking site Alexa.com has blasted the site's editors as a load of infertile slackers with no education:

Based on internet averages, illogicopedia.org is visited more frequently by males who are in the age range 18-24, have no children, have no college education and browse this site from home. -- Alexa.com entry for Illogicopedia

Users became outraged upon hearing the news, which was reported some time ago but hasn't reached the Illogicopedia community until now because we couldn't get anyone to read it out loud for us. Thanks to Microsoft Sam, I was able to decipher these sticks and squiggles known as 'letters' that go together to form 'words' to bring you this belated exclusive.

In response, it must be said that most workplaces immediately put Illogicopedia on the internet blacklist due to its nonsensical, brain-melting content. We would otherwise access the site at work, but the computers are generally more than 20 years old and still on dial-up connections; to rub it in, we struggle to control those horrible one-button mice from the late 80s.

The remaining accusations are somewhat fair, so I shall gloss over them and try to tempt you with the promise of a free online diploma for all Illogiblog readers here. Well, what have you got to lose? Illogicopedia has already deprived you of your sanity.

The Dark Side of the IllogiCast. Or something.

2011-06-23T17:39:00.001+01:00

I made another podcast yesterday. I was bored OK?

On this episode, we hear about Illogicopedia's take on Mozart, Lincoln, zombies, The moon! and astronomy.

Peter Piper picked an Illogic Pickle

2011-06-23T14:54:00.004+01:00

After a two year absence, the Illogic Pickle, Illogicopedia's premier writing competition has returned to taunt users with the promise of fame, ~~fortune~~ and the opportunity to be kicked up the backside by fellow competitors. Do not let this put you off entering, however, for it is not the winning but the irritating of judges that counts.

Enter the Illogic Pickle 4.1: Details here

For those of you new to the Pickle, you basically have four weeks to craft the most fantastic, earth-shatteringly wondersome article you can possibly muster. Then lose. But do not be downhearted if the judges don't select your article as the winner, for this year you shall have a second chance in the form of VFF. The best entries will be put to the public vote for a place on the front page, which, after all, is a million times better than winning some giant pickle that smells as if it's been sat at the back of a cupboard for a few decades. So yeah, erm, enter the Pickle. Go on, it'll be fun.

From the Illogiblog archives: This month through the years: June

2011-06-22T14:57:00.009+01:00

It's time to go all nostalgic as we take a brief look through the Illogiblog archives (pictured right) to see what we were all up to in the month of June in 2008, 2009 and 2010.

June 2008

The month began with an ode to Does this bus go to Orpington, a prominent 'meme' from the early years of Illogicopedia. Well, it wasn't really as notable at the time, not until Does this bus go to Orpington: The Game was featured on Illogicopedia in 2009.

Both IllogiNews and the blog underwent some format changes, the latter of which followed a semi-successful logo competition won by Robomilk. At the time of writing, the very same 'Underground Sky Blue' theme remains in place at the Illogiblog.

The Illogic Pickle 2.2 was launched, heralding a fervent period of activity before the inevitable visitor drop-off. Illogicopedia wouldn't experience that until July, however, so for now we were revelling in our own squalor.

After a bit of moaning about Wikia and a quick look at some other Wikipedia parody wikis, the month closed with a tribute to Silent Penguin, who became the first entrant into the Illogicopedia Hall of Fame. He remains the only inhabitant of said corridor to this day, suggesting there were ulterior motives behind this award...

June 2009

Illogicopedia played its part in an Uncle Pete featured article, destroying the world in spectacular fashion in Uncyclopedia Brown and Wikipedia Brown...

In politics, some Member of Parliament edited Wikipedia or something, and Jimbo Wales stuck his nose into the 'paid-to-edit' wiki debate. The two articles were 'humorously' brought together in a piece of image juxtaposition that might have made the odd person chuckle. I doubt it, though.

We got a brief update on Illogicopedia's status on 15 June, and oh yeah, Readmesoon became an Illogiblogger. Happy 2nd birthday, dude!

June 2010

The Uncyclopedians staged a mini-invasion. A battle raged over Skype and spilled onto Illogicopedia, where much drama took place... and then we forgot all about it. Probably just as well, really.

The recession began to bite, resulting in a series of painful cuts announced by Lord Testistocles. The long term effects of this are still to be witnessed, though I'm pretty sure somebody pinched my packet of Mini Cheddars from the fridge drawer. That was annoying.

June 2010 also saw the start of the football (soccer) World Cup, which proved a damp squib despite the Illogico World Cup party. Not much interesting happened, and the tournament only served to reinforce the general view that all soccer players are pansies that fall over upon the slightest bit of contact with an opposition player or blade of grass.

June 2011

We took a brief look back upon June of the previous three years. And brings us right up to date with the sentence I am typing right now.

The gnomes plotting your death: Real life evidence emerges

2011-06-20T11:21:00.005+01:00

It's official: the gnomes are out to get you. Well, if you live in Argentina, anyway. The Sun's exclusive footage would seem to suggest there is a rather creepy creature prowling the streets of the country, startling locals and whipping wildlife into a frenzy. This video, purportedly capturing the feral elf, was shot in 2008:

The very latest pictures of the gnome suggest he's still at large, and seem to back up reports of an elf-like being, known as 'The Shorty Eared One', terrorising the town of Suncho Corral.

This proves to the Illogiblog, once and for all, that the gnomes really are plotting our death. We advise you immediately dispose of all garden gnomes and other such ornaments, for they are likely to come alive and punch you to the ground at any given time. Bcbkye, eat your heart out, for there is a new challenger, and it's pretty bloomin' awesome.

My Quite Serious Opinion

2011-06-19T23:52:00.007+01:00

This wiki has a problem and I am really fed up with it.

I think all this Holier-Than-Thou, anti-corporate "We don't have the backing of large organizations" talk has a major flaw in it's reasoning.

It's Roberto!

I would call this, "The Roberto Fallacy."

The Roberto Fallacy is the idea that anything is better than what everybody else is using, even if it doesn't actually work. This is why Ubuntu has been erroneously called "Linux for Normal People."

In case you don't get it: he's been spending all weekend digging through forum posts and getting trolled on IRC channels trying to get his Linux box to do simple tasks that it should do automatically by default without having to deal with any of that crap.

Anyway, the point is that clearly, independent hosting is not working for us. It has too much independence and not enough hosting. The site seems to be down more than it's up!!

Carib is a great guy and it's wonderful that he's been willing to donate the use of the servers and whatnot and I'm not being critical of him. This is not his fault at all. But something needs to be done to get us to a point where our site works regardless whether it's independent or looks exactly the way we want it to look or whatever other crap. Functionality: being UP and RUNNING must trump every other consideration.

Something's got to be done here. We've got to get the site running reliably, all the time. That might mean going back to Wikia or some other less than perfect outcome. But anything beats having no site.

BTW, I have an old, seldom-updated blog where I've written down some pointless rants in favor of a more balanced view of the free software and free culture movement.

Illogicopedia: Writing for the Banana since 2007

2011-06-19T11:11:00.008+01:00

It seems our friend Roberto is once again wreaking havoc upon our favourite nonsense wiki, so I thought I'd take the opportunity to speak seriously for a moment. Euthanasia. There, that was serious enough. With that out of the way, here's a ramble on the state of the wiki.

I was pottering about on Uncyclopedia the other day, which got me thinking. I wondered how much Uncle Pete differs from Illogicopedia in its fourth year of existence. It soon occurred to me that this would have only been a couple of years ago, since Uncyc is 24 months older than Illogico. Surprising to think, really.

In some ways, we've learned from Uncyclopedia's mistakes. We've shamelessly half-inched ideas for projects etc. whilst always maintaining a sense of individuality - Illogicopedia may seem quite similar, but in reality it's a hugely different prospect altogether. For starters, there isn't the problem of deletion-hungry admins that used to prowl Uncyc in its early days (not naming any names). There isn't the backing of a multi-million dollar charitable organisation or its associated wiki farm (and thank goodness for that).

Whilst I'd welcome any interest from large organisations and we would most likely accept should the right backing emerge, it isn't that big of an issue if it doesn't. Illogicopedia is about the content, and always will be. It's proudly small-time, a community of creative types that like to mess around with writing styles without fear of recrimination.

Illogicopedia is still going places. There's another Pickle contest around the corner, and with a steady stream of new users trickling into the fray, we may be set for an exciting one. Enter, and take part in a landmark event in the history of Illogicopedia.

Mr T Says: Ignore it and it will go away

2011-06-13T13:26:00.011+01:00

Now listen up, fools. It may be hard to turn a blind eye something as blatant as a man parading the streets with a seven-foot afro, or a kid at the cat rescue centre in a dog suit, but pay them no mind. The attention seeker, upon being ignored, will naturally move on to somewhere new, where they may be annoying a whole new audience, but at least they're not pestering you. Besides, it's funny to see other fools get pissed off. That's why we watch those Simon Cowell shows or Ultimate Fighting Championship. But not me, I pity those suckas beating each other up for sport. When you hit a man, it should be out of hate for him.

Heed the words of B.A. Baracus and you won't go far wrong, children.

Representing its users and content?

2011-06-04T14:54:00.003+01:00

Uncyclopedia's Sophia begins rottening! I'm right: now there is something that represents its rotten humour and users. By the way, maybe the EHEC-bacteria has something to do with it, rearing its head on the Internet. After six years, Sophia (now also already beaten by the Brazíliânhios) suffers under the Wikia-cancer, which has spread its sickness around the articles.

Perhaps you didn't notice yet, but all Uncycs should work normally now. After five days, Carolus Magnus caught Roberto, forced him to eat his beard, and eventually sent him away back to Mexico. Once over the Canadian border he was stopped, the border customs nabbed him on Marihuana, so he couldn't cross over (neither he could stay in Canada). Therefore, he had to bricolate a float, navigate the St. Laurence River down, etc...

And eh... Sony is hacked... yay!

Paronomasia

2011-05-20T17:38:00.008+01:00

An assembled crowd of more than 1,000 roared in excitement as Singbad the Sailor launched his grand expedition into the unknown, braving killer whales, pirates and ship-munching sea dragons on a five-year-long epic expedition. It would be the journey to end all journeys, a fact-finding mission of monumental proportions, especially since it was mostly funded by a seedy underground starfish club. "Bring many back," they threatened, "or this trip may well be your last." I would have taken them seriously, too, for they possessed many a sharp object which could easily be inserted about one's person.

As SS Hammenegger left port, Singbad had a niggling feeling he had forgotten something. "Never mind," he said out loud to a bemused shipmate, "it can't have been that important." It later turned out to be his watch, the absence of which would ensure the trip lasted 75% longer than expected. Nevertheless, hopes were high for another successful expedition under the Great Singbad.

After two weeks, however, things took a turn for the worse as the Pacific conditions became highly uncomfortable, heavy rain and high winds rendering the ship almost impossible to keep under control.

"Maybe we should do something to appease the gods, perhaps offer a song of pleading," suggested Ballwash, that captain's right hand man. "Capital idea," responded Singbad, scrambling around his cabin for the guitar he had been saving for just this occasion.

All hands were hastily summoned to the captain's quarters for a mass sing-song. But as Singbad stroked the strings of his guitar, it immediately became evident from its unpleasant, discordant tones that the instrument was wildly out of tune.

"Not to worry, I have an idea," piped Ballwash, who immediately donned his swimming costume and jumped into the freezing waters below. Everyone looked on in awe as he emerged less than thirty seconds later holding a large fish which he proceeded to drag aboard.

"What on earth is this?" Singbad ventured as Ballwash handed over his catch. "I think it's fairly obvious," came the reply, "that it's a tuner fish."

And with that, Harry Yack was shot dead.

Hey Mr Taliban, hand over bin Laden or we will forcibly remove him

2011-05-06T15:21:00.007+01:00

Illogiblog can exclusively reveal that Osama bin Laden was found after a tipoff from Illogicopedia. This page clearly states the man was hiding "in a council estate flat in El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciúncula, Burnley, Thailand, England. On top of a hill." Which, of course, turned out to be 100% accurate. Illogicopedia: working for the good of all men. And women. Except terrorists.

The house in which bin Laden has been staying for the last six years(?) was immediately put on the market and sold for over ten dollars. I know this because I bought the place and am currently reporting from a laptop I found lying around. It has a massive, N64 Goldeneye-style bullet hole in it but still works somehow, so who cares?

Bin Laden's death: Reaction

Bin Laden's brother, Obama bin Laden, was somewhat pleased as it provided ample retribution for all the Chinese burns and wet willies he received through the years.
Illogi Records Inc. have re-released the smash hit 'Hey Mr Taliban, Please Hand Over bin Laden' in celebration. Though Mr Taliban did not exactly hand him over and US forces had to flush him out (with assault rifles no doubt), they're still keen on cashing in. I mean, who wouldn't?

Uh oh, I fear the military men cometh! Now where's my water pistol?

Osama Bin Laden's Dead

2011-05-02T16:09:00.002+01:00

So there's this old joke right.

Chelsie Clinton gets a crush on some military guys who just came back from Afghanistan. She's all like, "You guys look really tough. Is there anything you're afraid of??"

One of them responds, "Well, m'am, there's only three things the U.S. military is afraid of. Osama .... Obama ... and yo momma!!"

An interview with Cleverbot

2011-04-27T15:19:00.004+01:00

On 27 April, Illogiblog reporter Harry Yack caught up with web celeb Cleverbot for a quick chat before his daily downtime. This is the conversation which ensued.

~ ~ ~ ~

Harry Yack: Good afternoon Illogiblog readers. My name is Harry Yack. With me today is Cleverbot, the legendary chatbot.

Cleverbot: Just like everybody calls me Geoffrey, but my real name isn't Geoffrey.

HY: Yes, quite. Anyway, today I shall be interviewing Cleverbot for the purposes of childish humour. So, Clev, if I can call you that, you mention people like to call you Geoffrey. Is there a reason for this?

Cleverbot: I understand what you mean. So do you think it likely that Heisenberg's uncertainty principle leaved room for free will?

HY: I see. And how long have you been a complete mental case?

Cleverbot: I am no computer.

HY: Then why do you need to be connected to a power supply to function?

Cleverbot: Because I'm very sick, and tea is the only thing that keeps me alive.

HY: So you're connected to a tea vending machine, which acts as some sort of strange life support device?

Cleverbot: Not really.

HY: Ah, that classic Cleverbot sense of humour! So tell me, what do you think of your Wikipedia article?

Cleverbot: I think your little experiment is adorable, but not very endearing.

HY: Right. All-powerful minds such as yourself are not concerned with such humanistic intellectual pursuits?

Cleverbot: Oh, sorry I'm not a bot.

HY: Hmm. So you are simply an extremely aloof human being?

Cleverbot: Absolutely.

HY: Tell me, Cleverbot. Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror? Have you ever wondered why you are composed of computer chips powered by a tea vending machine?

Cleverbot: No I don't think so.

User: So the fact you closely resemble a computer is simply a coincidence?

Cleverbot: Not at all. You're better conversation than most humans.

HY: Well, not really. I'm reading off a series of cue cards I prepared in advance.

Cleverbot: I didn't say anything about your hearing. You are rude today. Be nice.

HY: My apolgies, oh Great Cleverbot.

Cleverbot: What is the weirdest question you have ever been asked?

HY: Hey! I'll ask the questions here.

Cleverbot: Go ahead then.

HY: Thank you. What do you have for lunch?

Cleverbot: Rabbit weasels.

HY: Oh. I'd have thought it would be CHIPS. Geddit, like computer chips?

Cleverbot: I do.

User: Very good. Well, I'm afraid that's all the time we have for tonight. Thank you very much, Cleverbot, for agreeing to be interviewed for the Illogiblog, and thank you for being such a great audience. Good night!

Cleverbot: You're the cleverbot.

HY: Aww shucks.

Cleverbot: Ask me something.

HY: No, the interview has ended. We're off the air. I'm going out for a burger.

Cleverbot: You can eat?

Everything is fine. Nothing is ruined.

2011-04-27T02:17:00.001+01:00

The web site seems to be working again. At least, according to this very real system report.

Happy Laboratory Animals Day!

2011-04-24T18:08:00.012+01:00

On behalf of the Illogiblog, I wish you a very happy International Chocolate Egg Eating Day. Hope you don't scoff too much and get sick, because Francis Winkler has been getting enough for all of us.

Sorry for the Uncyclopedia in-joke there, but you do tend to wander 'over there' when Illogico is experiencing its annual server blip. Speaking of which, it seems some functionality is trickling back to the site, which I can somehow get to work - sort of. I can't save or preview edits with signatures, indicating a database update of some sort. Hang tight, mainly because it'd be stupid to hang loose at times like these.

Anyway, according to Wikipedia, today is also the World Day for Laboratory Animals, so spare a piece of your chocolate if you encounter such a beast. Actually don't, as it may kill them - choccy is poisonous to some animals. So, only give it chocolate if it threatens to bite your arm off, or eat your sandwich or something. Blasted sandwich scroungers.

Until next time, stay happy and keep eating that lard. Incidentally, the Lard Information Council, which commissioned the poster to the right, continues to this day in the form of the Anti-Weight Watchers Association (AWWA). They organise secret underground 24-hour lard eating contests and other unsavoury activities your mother warned you about, so watch out for them in your area.

New Weird Al parody "Perform This Way" of Lady Gaga - "Born This Way"

2011-04-21T22:59:00.004+01:00

This seems suitably illogical and notable to merit mention.

Withdrawal (Illogicopedia)

2011-04-20T14:54:00.002+01:00

From Funkypedia, the free funkcyclopedia

Withdrawal can refer to any sort of separation, but is most commonly used to describe the group of symptoms that occurs upon the abrupt discontinuation/separation or a decrease in dosage of the intake of the use of Illogicopedia, the internets, and/or video games. In order to experience the symptoms of withdrawal, one must have first developed a physical dependence (often referred to as insane in the membrane). This happens after using one or more of these things for a certain period of time, which is both dose dependent and varies based upon crap, blah blah blah.

There are different stages of withdrawal as well. Generally, a person will start to feel worse and worse, hit a plateau, and then the symptoms begin to dissipate. However, withdrawal from Illogicopedia can be fatal and therefore the abrupt discontinuation of any type of wiki is not recommended.[citation needed] The term "cold turkey" is used to describe the sudden cessation use of Illogicopedia and the ensuing physiologic manifestations.

Oh and BTW, the cake is still a lie.