Secondary effects of blogging on Christmas day

Exposure to insipid holiday cartoons can be the most hazardous side effect of committing font to display today. Otherwise, the dog is pretty content. Santa gave her four gigantic chewing outlets. Three are made of combinations of rawhide and some meat-like substance reminiscent of Snausages. The last is an honest to goodness thighbone of some unfortunate stock animal, treated with radiation or petrochemicals to preserve it, I guess. It's got a meaty kind of coating on it, and smells vile. Perfect for a dog.

One of my gifts was a great knife to threaten roving Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses and Evangelicals who dare to tread on my porch.

So, today commemorates the day Jesus changed the fishes into wine, and the bears into beer. The foundation of two thousand years of theological haggling and that's the best we could come up with. I feel, being fresh into a new millennium and all, that maybe some things ought to change. For one thing, all liturgical music should be replaced with songs by Bachman Turner Overdrive. I'm thinking, Taking Care of Business during communion, and You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet for Easter celebrations.

Suffering from post-Olympics letdown?

I'm a huge fan of violent sports, and organized child abuse has always been my favorite genre. My two boys will tell you, I specialized in haymakers and kidney punches, and I did it with relish.

Not since the 400 meter downhill spouse beating event of 1965 have I been this excited about a new way to inflict pain competitively. MMATP (Mixed martial arts toddler pummeling) is just the sort of thing I can get behind.

Won't you join us in promoting good, clean family fun?