Tuesday 30 November 2010

Uncle Pete turns into crappy inside humorous website

“Oh I'm extremely gay.”
~ ChiefjusticeDS

Oh lord. Uncyclopedia featured an article about a USER? Wohooo, now my respect for that site took a deep dive, like the temperature did last days. Although I've always known that he's gay, I've just been shocked by the fact that Uncyclopedia ruined its prestige completely. Who the fuck cares about a depressed, ├╝ber-frustrated, insignificant gay administrator? Dunno if even ED does such horrible things like that.

I'm citing:

"This justice, however, is precisely the problem. People do not like to conform, certainly not to the standards of what they perceive as 'others'. Entering a new environment, an individual will immediately apply its own preconceptions of what is 'good' and 'bad', subconsciously judging it for whatever is visible past the lens of these hamsters. He kills the hamsters, all of them, and so it will catalyse conflict, and due to his tendency to deal primarily with unregistered users and other newcomers, ChiefjusticeDS is invariably connected these conflicts; he will be both the one to begin them and the one to end them, and so he is hated, deplored, despised. Deleting articles, reverting vandals and banning users, this administrator, more than any other, has already attracted the worst sort of retribution and disdain from those with whom he interacts.

And you know what? He fully deserves it. Fuck him, I say.

Fuck ChiefjusticeDS. He is a horrible, terrible administrator. He is also gay and he smells bad, and to top it all off, he killed my hamster.

He killed my hamster."

Another t'ing: all information given on that page is true. Truth is not to be accepted on Uncyclopedia, or is it?

Sunday 28 November 2010

Car For Sale

1992 Peugeot 105. Black, used to be white. Had a registration at one point, license plate lost on weekend drive (on seabed).

Miles on clock: Unknown, the thing stopped working three years ago.

Details: One careful owner (Jeremy Clarkson). Only ever been in one accident (crushed by piano). Bodywork still intact (just about), wheels sometimes turn when forced. Small cigarette burn on carpet and slight sunroof damage but nothing unrepairable with a bit of sellotape.

Price: One packet of Maltesers O.N.O. Will accept PayPal or Minstrels.

Phone Alf Hart on 80081355 for more info or to purchase. Call today and quote whatthehellivejustbeenbloodyscammedagainmaureen to redeem steering wheel. Must utter whole word within one second and without stopping for air.

Friday 26 November 2010

Illogiblog 372nd Post Spectacular: More stupid spam

Hey, man. Why write blog posts when the spammers can do it for you? Well, I'm sure I'll live to regret that statement, but it seemed like a fun idea at the time, so here goes...
I want to demand how yearn a day do surf an internet a day? And what are you doing?
More to the point, what are you doing? Evidently not reading dictionaries. I may be wasting my time, but at least I'm aware of it, fool!
I come from itlay, i was fortunate to seek your website... thanks very much i will come every day
Is that a stick of rock in your pocket or are you pleased to see Illogiblog was finally updated, Mr Spammer Man?
Nice, Your will be the bestin the world!! - Lyric HILLARD
Is this Lyric Hillard person real? Well, I did a Google Search and it turns out he is not. A pity, because I think with that name he would have made a great butt surgeon. Hah, you thought I was going to mention hip hop then, didn't you?
I'm thrilled you took the time and said this! (Found on comments for Trees are the evil commie dictators now)
Now, now. There's no need to get sarky just because your blow-up wife threw you out of the garage for the third time this week. I suggest taking a drawing pin to her back when she isn't looking.

Best o't' Rest

Popular on the Illogiblog comments right now; indecipherable Russian text; "Coventry Salubriousness Governing" (whatever that's supposed to be); random mashings of the keyboard interspersed with the words "free porn" every couple of sentences; lots of Microsoft (or 'mcrosfot') related products from, like, five years ago; anything but actual, human comments.

Monday 15 November 2010

Roberto gets fat, is forced to eat beard

Aw man, how could I have missed this? If you've been wondering what happened to Roberto the last few months, then look no further than this video.

Apparently, in between sabotaging the Illogicopedia servers, our favourite non-existent troll has been gorging himself on cheeseburgers and making strange bets involving lawnmowers. In other words, exactly the sort of thing we'd expect from some jobless weirdo who spends his spare time bringing down small-time wikis.

Sunday 14 November 2010

Bear Grylls is dead!

Bear Grylls, world's most famous bush man is finally dead.
This Discovery celebrity and father of 3, who survived crocodiles, snakes and many other creatures and dangerous situations, has passed away. It should have happened when he had eaten rough penguin meat on an expedition in Antartica. By the global warming, penguins's bodies have become unnaturally disordered, and eating it without cooking it will cause a nasty intoxication, which you can die of in a few minutes.

Some speculators argue that he was poisoned by the cameraman, because that man was the only witness of the tragical accident. On the other hand investigators say that a possible murder is very unlikely, as the camera man was a very close friend.


Some fans say that Grylls is a fanatic animal lover and that he possibly did zoophilic actions with a penguin, whereafter he could have been infected by a lethal virus. However, a biopsy of Grylls body never showed a kind of STD in his blood.

(Photo: Grylls on a sunny Antartic day, nearly before the mischief)

Anti-Oasis Propaganda: Seems Wikia sucks more than ever

Well, just sixteen months ago we would have been glad to see the back of New Monaco, but beware, for Wikia has done the unthinkable and created something even worse, it would seem.

I'm sure you're all aware of Oasisgate by now. Incidentally, that's a bit of an inappropriate name for a Wikia skin isn't it? Well, I suppose the minute amount of content space is a relative island of calm in the sea of cacky ads in which you aren't the slightest bit interested, so you could say it's apt. I wouldn't, but hey.

Please enjoy this selection of satirical MSPaint jobs Wikia wouldn't want on their servers, courtesy the Wikia 'Community'. Click the pics for larger versions.

Cheers to Iamred1

Courtesy of Mrepic

From the mouse of Austin 8310

Wow, no wonder Wikia are now deleting all such images on sight, and this is just the tip of the iceberg. There's a load more of these here at the Anti-Wikia Alliance Wiki. Go there now if you wanna, or I suppose you could just sit there and twiddle your thumbs.

Saturday 13 November 2010

Things I learned about life from playing Super Mario Bros. games

Illogicopedia is, once again, down for maintenance or something, so here's a braindump and a half for you video game fanatics out there. What if Super Mario games were real life? (Well, you may get a slightly less horrible movie adaptation but the less said of that, the better.)

Yes, this idea has been done to death before and probably far better, but why go elsewhere when you can simply scroll down a bit? After all, you're here viewing this post right now. Visiting another website would waste precious time and effort clicking around!
  • You can ride around on a turtle shell as if it were a skateboard without it cracking under your 15 stone frame. Actually, I don't know how much Mario weighs but he is pretty fat, so those shells must be quite strong.
  • You can become 'super' by eating nothing but mushrooms. I wonder if that's how Superman really obtained his superpowers?
  • Plants grow in walls all the time, and can be disturbed simply by punching a nearby brick. I do not actually recommend you try this as it'll likely lead to a hospital visit, and we don't want another lawsuit on our hands, not after that incident in the park with a gherkin. More to the point, I have no idea why you'd want to waste your time making flowers come out of bricks.
  • Navigating dirty, smelly sewer pipes is relatively easy and will certainly not lead to long term illness. Maybe Mazza's years of plumbing experience have made him immune to disease.
  • Losing your cloth cap makes you more vulnerable to damage. Apparently the one Mario wears is bullet proof and protects him from all manner of attacks, including turtle spit.
  • Green mushrooms are not lethal, but will grant you another life. Wow, Mario games are teaching children dangerous lessons. We should slap an 18 rating on them.
Video game logic, you have to love it. Next time, Raul Moat's "If Halo Were Real Life" - Wait, It Isn't?

Friday 12 November 2010

The Anti Wikia Alliance: Growing in number day by day

In the interests of annoying the hell out of Nerd, I feel I must draw your attention to the existence of a relatively new wiki known as the Anti Wikia Alliance. As the title might suggest, it's a bit like the Complaint Wiki, which logs gripes and annoyances with Wikia Inc.

However, whereas CW is an archive of discussions on other wikis, it's expected that AWA will be a place to chat about all things that cheese you off about Wikia. Granted, the basic frame of the website is modelled on an 'Anti Wikia' discussion page at Wikia (who subsequently booted them from their servers), but with a bit of help it could actually garner some attention. Press attention, maybe.

So, if you're in the anti-Wikia camp, then I'm sure you'll find it all very good reading. To get your juices flowing, here's a taster of some of the stuff levelled at Wikia since the inception of their new skin last month, and here's a list of the latest wikis joining the mass pilgrimage to ShoutWiki.

Personally, I'm gonna monitor the situation and create an account there once the database is unlocked for public input. I intend to compile a list of links to my comments/posts on Wikia for reference and report my thoughts on the site once I've had some time to check it out more thoroughly.

Wednesday 10 November 2010

Illogi Classics - #27, You

Well, give me an enema and call me Mr. Squeaky Bum, if it isn't time for another foray into Illogicopedia's archives. I hope you appreciate this particular entry because, in preparation, I spent three years locked in a musty basement with just 3,000 ancient maps for both sustenance and company. I have no idea why.

You has (or should that be you have? Wish I'd listened in English at school now) a special place in Illogicopedian lore due to it being one of the first pages created at the Editthis ?pedia. Somewhat surprisingly, most, if not all content from the original revision back in February 2007 remains, and forms the bulk of the article's opening today.

Later additions embellished the article's already-established illogicality, with a rather humorous dictionary 'definition' courtesy the Suicidal Delinquents Wordbase. It's a book I own, and that's because I actually wrote it. It's five A4 pages long and typed in Comic Sans 16pt with triple line spacing and a nice picture of a smiling frog, which I drew in red ballpoint pen, on the front cover. If anyone wants to borrow it, drop me a line. No, seriously, I really need someone to talk to. *Gibber*

There is also a wonderful See Also section complete with throwaway joke, which is always good to see. Arguably the best version (pictured below, just in case you can't be bothered moving your mouse) of the article, however, comes courtesy of, and consists of simply "you suck teh ballz". Insightful stuff, I'm sure you'll agree.

Actually, the article is quite often vandalised, but was never touched by the likes of Avril Troll, the Hickipedia bloke or Testostereich in his more destructive days. Oh yeah, I went there.

You might not also be interested to know there's a whole category dedicated to you. Well, not you personally, unless you happen to be Testicles (wow, he got two mentions in two paragraphs, what's the world coming to?) or Seppy, who have special dispensation to circumvent already tenuous vanity policies. They are above the law, like Ronnie Biggs in a helicopter.

I know, that reference was crap, and an indication that it's about time I drew this post to a close. I'm now off to the Crystal Dome to see if Richard O'Brien still lives there.

Tuesday 9 November 2010

The Neverending Fight Against Stupid and Irrelevant Comments (NFASIC)

I thought I'd best bring to your attention my recent spam clearing exploits here at the Illogiblog. You see, those spambots have been brutally ravaging our innocent posts on the quiet, no thanks to Blogger's recent insistence on manual comment moderation.

Well it isn't quite that bad but I was surprised at the amount of spam building up, like a layer of mould on that Scotch egg you shoved to the back of the fridge and forgot all about until the smell was so powerful it'd be fatal to a small child. (Please don't call Social Services. I'm a good man, I swear!)

Comments ranged from blatant adverts for what seem to be incontinence pants, some pink things in a box to, erm, special offers on mutilated sheep or something. Hmm, these spammers are becoming increasingly masochistic.

Here's a few more examples:
Thank you for give very good informations. Your web is so coolI am impressed by the information that you have on this blog. It shows how well you understand this subject. Bookmarked this page, will come back for more. You, my friend, ROCK!
Well, thank you very much! I presume this message was for Tim Berners-Lee because I didn't invent the web, but I ain't about to turn down compliments, however misdirected. Chyeah!
Since matching for some time for just a proper read in regards to this kinda ecological niche.
What's this, automatic sentence generation?! We expect this sort of language abuse at Illogicopedia, but not here at the Illogiblog! Begone, vile shade!
The pre-eminent rise quest of loyal and convenient trim and medical dope and knowledge
You know you've made it when you're compared to over-the-counter medication. Which reminds me, I wonder what happened to my brain medicine...

Well, I hope you enjoyed this session of headbanging against ?blog's ever-growing Wall of Spam. It hasn't quite achieved Berlin Wall status yet, but at this rate it won't be long. BEWARE.

Monday 8 November 2010

Illogicopedia falls over, hurts knee

Well, I hope you're happy now, Roberto, you great bully. You've made me visit a site other than Illogicopedia for scientific, academic research. I have a mind to report you to the headmaster for your misdemeanours, and this time it won't just be a slap on the wrist. That's right, Bob. It's the irons for ye!

So as you might have been able to tell from this post's title, Illogicopedia has gone down and I wanted to contribute to the site in some manner. It's times like this I'm glad the Illogiblog is hosted on a different server so we can still rant on about nothing in particular to our hearts' content. Yay!

That's not to say we aren't grateful for the fantastic host we currently have. It's certainly better than many other, second-rate wikifarms out there on the Internet, not mentioning any names (*cough* Editthis *splutter*), and is ten times less restrictive. Double yay!

Anyway, here's some vaguely amusing content. Thanks to a working time machine, the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air was able to go back in time and open up a shop selling postcards in Wigan. Evidence for this can be found in the following newspaper clipping from some time in the past:

Right, that's enough of that. Phew, for a minute there, this post was in danger of becoming mildly

I'm off to varnish the cache server to see if that has any effect on ?pedia's functionality. I'll let you know if anything happens, but in the meantime, try not to spam too many forums with posts about fnurdles, ultimate shotguns and such like, because Illogicopedia will be back!*

* Not applicable if Illogicopedia returns. In that particular case, ignore the previous comment.

Saturday 6 November 2010

Illogico enters Indy 500

Well, not quite, but it has entered the top 500 largest wikis on the web. This isn't really a badge of honour or anything, not like being peed on by a donkey, but it does mean we're getting closer to our ultimate goal... usurping Uncyclopedia at its own game.

Yep, it seems many of us have been losing sight of this, taking their eyes from the caramel coated, slightly soggy prize which'll no doubt be put on eBay for £0.01 with free P&P once attained.

Never mind, though. Here are some wikis the English Illogico is larger than:
Only 13 million more articles to go until it's the largest wiki in the world. Woohoo! Cos as we all know, bigger is always better. Isn't that right, ladies?