The Deadly Ghost of Spellchecking

He's at your school. He's at your place of work. Heck, he's even probably in your home right now. No, it isn't Santa Claus drunk again, or even some coked-up door-to-door salesman... it's far more serious than that. It's the Deadly Ghost of Spellchecking.

And this ain't no regular, plate-chucking poltergeist we're talking about here. The worst part about it is that, unlike Bcbkye, the children's entertainer that escaped from the mutant circus, it's always there - an omnipresent (non?)entity that will harm your self esteem more than a 12-year-old YouTube troll on a sugar rush.

This bothersome phantom will pressure you into producing perfectly formed sentence structure and attempt to force upon you its sentiments. "Think of how much better the world would be if all this "Ow RU doin?" and "B bak l8r" nonsense were eradicated... no more illiteracy in society, more esteemed authors and article writers that don't rely on fatuous gimmicks to pull in readers." (Cough, don't for one moment think there's an ounce of hypocrisy in the previous statement...)

Agh, no! I have already been affected by its presence, for I find myself constantly correcting the spelling errors in this very post. Errors in speelling and gramour that would get me thrown out of Cambridge with but a pencil and a used condom to my name (well, you don't want to know what they really get up to there, do you? Thought not! Anyway, I digress). I have to remind myself that this post is hardly likely to be read by the Head of Languages at Oxbridge, and much more likely to entertain some kid with a chewing gum addiction.

But that's exactly the point, who cares about spelling when the readers themselves give not a snot about my inaccurate, sorry excuse for a dead pigeon that I call English? I could be illiterate, or worse, a tax collector using money as construction paper for all they care. As long as the general point is conveyed, job done and give me my five pounds. That is, if it isn't made into an origami swan first...

So this ghost should not be a burden upon my (granted, sesame seed sized) intellect, there are plenty of other pretentious dung beetles that will do that for me. That, and the fact I called the Ghostbusters and they rid my house of all such supernatural beings!

Oh yeah, and 'of' in the title should be capitalised. Or should it?!

Help, Mummy I'm scared...

This post has subsequently been serialised in, erm, one Illogicopedia article. Cool beans eh?

Muffins: Fact or Fiction?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you are all seated comfortably in soft computer chairs (rather than computer chairs covered in razorwire and something else sharp).

I have come to you tonight to discuss a very serious matter with you all. It has come to my attention that the muffin, previously believed to be a delicious, soft, fluffy, delightful snack, might not exist at all.

Perhaps they are a government conspiracy. Perhaps they are suicidal aliens who want to be eaten (and killed) -- so they disguised themselves as food. But you should be aware that the muffins in your kitchen may not be real items of food.

Illusions. Whisps of myth. Shadow. Scientists are searching for the elusive muffin now in forests and other places we didn't build so are angry at them. I hope someone gets a picture of one and dissects it. Camera lens.

Thank you for attending tonight's seminar on the existence of Muffins. Tomorrow, I will swallow a laptop computer while being flogged, burned and otherwise abused for your entertainment. Enter what?

Brought to you by THE. Originally from an Illogicopedia article.

An apology for ?pedia

Joey, author of ''On Equilibrium'', says that most non-fiction writing is eventually strange, blinkered, and pedantic from the perspective of later readers. Look at the baseless racism of much writing throughout history. Who knows what prejudice and lack of foresight will be seen in the writing of today? It's not only straight writing that suffers from this problem: even satire suffers from it, as the "truths" its ironies denote are also subject to the corrupting influences of cultural context.

Faced with sensible writing's many unsavoury meanings, the obvious solution is to rebel, to write things that mean almost nothing. With illogic instead of logic as the object, pieces of writing are incomprehensible at the time they were written, and their prestigiously intentional stupidity can only increase over time.

So keep going, Illogicopedians! You're the saviours of literature!

This post brought to you by I forgot, writer of such esteemed works as Mr Smith Goes to Washington and Selective Anterograde Amnesia. Originally posted on Illogicopedia.

The True Power of Bcbkye

Okay. We all know (and fear) Bcbkye. With the recent upcoming of Illogicopedia: The Text Adventure (made by none other than myself, a personal project), Bcbkye plays a fundamental role in the game, along with various other famous figures. During the game, you might fight the Cult of Duncan, defend the Strangled Cat Party's "stash," or thumb wrestle with Chyaku Norrisu, but none of it compares to how deadly Bcbkye is the game. Want me to explain?

First off, the first legendary item of the game, the "Book of Bcbkye," should be carried, even early on when you don't have Hindleyite's Bag of Stuff to hold more than 12 items. But when you read it, you die by all of your unraveled secrets. If you try to give it to someone, the book "evades your grasp. maliciously." It doesn't resist if you try to drop it, but that's because it knows a way to irritate you.

So why, pray tell, should you carry the book? At a certain point in the game, you'll find a Brooch of Sanity; if you read the book while wearing it, you'll find out where the Grue article is; since in the game the only way to kill someone is to read their article (there are NPCs who don't have an article), the book will be invaluable, wiping out all normal grues.

Next, Bcbkye is deadly because most of the enemies are linked to him. Though often you'll find that talking to Duncanists will result in "Hail Duncan!" sometimes they will say, "Hail Duncan and the three cardinals!" One of these cardinals is Bcbkye. I'll leave it to your imagination who the other two are.

Later on in the game, you'll find yourself holed up in the forums -- OMG CHANGE OF SETTING -- but for what? Zombies. The forums have been littered with debris, brought to the brink of destruction. And all because of Bcbkye leaking the secret to bio-organic weapons.

And the end of the game... Let's just say...

ILLOGICOPEDIA QUESTIONS VOL. 1: Are we evil?

Alright. I've decided to answer common, but illogical, questions about the administration on ?pedia. In this case, it's the ever-present question if we truly are evil. In fact, there's no denying we're evil, after all, just look at our headquarters! It's absolutely evil, is it not?

If I wanted to be more detailed, I could explain HOW evil we are, so I'll do that. If we can't eat something, we shred it, iron it, burn it, and THEN eat it. If that doesn't work, we know it's a grue and stick it's head in a toilet, giving it a swirly. Actually, all that way a lie by way of the eeble sonk. You need to know KARATE to get rid of that stuff. Darn.

On the subject of good, if you ever imply we are, we will send you to a realm of such discomfort and unpleasantness, and they we will, umm... hurt you! HUUUUUUUURT YOU! Yeah, that's it... heh... heh...