Friday 30 December 2011

Super Mario 64: A Boatload of Hubris

So yeah, since I don't have any coursework to do, or a life of sorts, I spent my Christmas vacation playing Super Mario 64. I made it to the top tower. I then stopped playing and asked myself some very deep philosophical questions: Why would Bowser kidnap Peach when a shiny ring would do the job much better? Why does Mario wear a hat? Why isn't Luigi in this game? So I then came up with a few "answers"

Bowser is a cheapskate and can't afford to woo Peach with expensive gifts, so he shows Peach his "l33t kidnapping skillz" (quote from my Uncle Ben). Mario's hair is too ugly. Luigi was probably too busy trying to find a mansion.

The point is: this post doesn't have a point and Mario is a tired title that will never receive any sort of innovation. They're Making Mario Party 9 for the Wii, for crying out loud! 9 of them stupid mini-game filled games with a few boards to make it look complete? And another Paper Mario for the 3DS? Talk about 2011 movies relying too much on sequels; nobody mentions this!

On a lighter note, my grandfather saw me playing Super Mario 64 on Christmas and told me how great the graphics are!

Wish me luck on ?Pedia's contest thingy; I'm bound to fail!

Tuesday 27 December 2011

Mitt Romney: The Inevitable

Willard Mitt "Danger" Romney is a guy we don't hear about too often, because he's doesn't quote Pokemon movies and doesn't share a name with a reptile. However, he is deeply disliked by many people, including Mitt Romney. Yes, that's right. Romney loathes himself, partly due to the poor job his wife did dying his hair. If Herman Cain is Black Walnut, Romney must be plain vanilla. Seriously. Dang it!

So, yeah, this guy makes Barney look like a Grand Theft Auto thug.

This is probably breaking my contract, since I'm writing something about this, but I can't come up with better material.
"Isn't his hair sooooooooooooooo dreamy"? -- My mother

Christmas: Not my least unfavorite time of year

The pagan holiday that was adopted by followers of some guy was celebrated two days ago by millions and millions of ignoramuses who don't realize the intent. America has been in a deep recession for I-don't-know-how-long, and the corporations were hungry for more money since the geeks and yuppies at the mall didn't supply enough money on Black Friday after freezing their britches off, economists speculate. The sales were poorer then expected, since Nintendo, Sony, or Microsoft didn't unleash a new gadget to make parents burn their hard-earned money and the government stopped production of lightbulbs for Easy-Bake ovens. It was a win for corporations, since they got their yearly dough to pay for the CEO's third solid gold toilet. They are now selling leftover Christmas crap for New-Years. And preparing for Valentines Day, my most unfavorite time of year. So, yeah, I got some crap for Christmas that was produced by Laotian boys in shops. Oww, where's the light?

2011: A Retrospective -- Part Two

Hope you're enjoying this look back upon significant Illogican events of 2011, and if not, you can always go and play on that Nintendo Game and Watch you got for Christmas. See if you can get past the third level before your train journey ends for an extra bonus. The ticket collector will still ask to see your pass at the next station, though. Anyway, we now conclude 2011: A Retrospective.

The month of May began with big news - Obama bin Laden was dead. A good job, too, because we wouldn't have had much to write about otherwise. This brief obsession with the world's most famous IT Crowd viewer soon faded as the ever-reliable one-hit wonder Squidman was on hand to provide an appropriately zany alternative to heavy real-world political issues. Also, tl;dr.

It wasn't long, however, before the Illogicopedia became immersed in a good old fashioned bit of drama, inevitable fallout from the aforementioned demise of Encyclopedia Dramatica. More Roberto rolling sparked a new debate over the state of the wiki, but it was more humorous Bob-bashing than anything, and the usual madness soon resumed.

New-found activity prompted the long-awaited return of an old favourite, the Illogic Pickle. Not only did a fresh generation of users get to experience the thrill of a well-placed pickle poking, but the variety of decent entries provided front page content for months to come. As many suspected, it was indeed an elaborate plan to further increase activity, a fact revealed in centre-left tabloid the Illogicopedian Times some months later. Mwahahah! I mean wait, what?

The Illogiblog saw a huge increase in submitted articles during the month of Jumbly. A massive 34 posts --that's more than one for each day of the month, for those of you who can only count to 33-- passed through the text editor quicker than a Christmas curry as Illogiblog's newest correspondent, Sensei Gruntled, went into potassium-induced overdrive. Smurfs: Hardcore and Doctor Who Saves Illogicopedia were among the veritable bullion store of Gruntled Gold during the spring of 2011, which more than made up for the usual post-Pickle recession.

Talk of Reptilian invasions and Illogicopedia's latest spammer influx lasted until late summer, as the Illogicopedian membership drive continued apace with a steady stream of ten spambots per month providing juicy content for the recently revived Nose Collection. Ah, where would we be without those guys? The block log would only be half as interesting if it weren't for the likes of Hellsmasher83 and Pablo, who truly are the real heroes of Illogicopedia. They may be mindless automatons, but at least they care enough about the site to actually post on it, unlike certain slackers.

In the latter part of the year, the once-popular Illogicopedian Times experienced a comeback in an all-new, fancy wikified form. This editorial, the latest in a long line of Illogicomedia projects, provided a competent competitor to Uncle Pete's own newspaper-style thing, and built up quite a readership before going on hiatus. Shortly after, The Illogicomedia Foundation unveiled its brand new website, a blatant ripoff of that Wikimedia thing, but who the heck cares? Well, Jimbo, actually.

Under control of Pickle Winner and Mr Uncle Pete 'The' Bard, the site immediately made a huge impression on wikisphere politics with intense debates on such topics as who should put the micro pizza in the microwave. Much like Commons discussions, then.

And so the year began to wind down. Activity continued to trickle through the Illogicopedia Pipeline like a leaky tap, with minor discussions on annual holidays giving way to a small ripple of activity as news of yet another person of political influence bit the dust in dignified fashion. Funny how a supposed 'non-political' wiki has touched on so many real-world issues in 2011, isn't it?

2011: A Retrospective -- Part One

Despite what certain Illogicopedian old-timers might tell you, 2011 has definitely (or as many illiterates will have believe, 'defiantly') been the best and most interesting so far. Well, if you count finding a can of still in date meatballs previously lost at the back of a cupboard interesting, you'll no doubt love this retrospective. Maybe. Whatever the case, let's get this thing (t?)rollin' so we can all enjoy the rest of our Christmas holidays.

A small revival of the Illogicopedia Podcast, courtesy your old friend Nerd42, ushered in Jeremy 2011. It was five times better than the previous edition and got the year off to a cracking start with some suitably nonsensical article readings and a wet T-shirt contest. Dangit, we shoulda made that one a vidcast... Anyhow, more Illogicast goodness would follow in June, making 2011 the year in which most episodes have been produced to date.

Speaking of multimedia ventures, 2011 also saw the first feature-length movie based on an Illogicopedia article. The colourful life of Wallace Intrube hit the small screen in the early part of the year in The Intrube Dynasty, a 40-minute epic based on the mass literature found on Illogicopedia. The article itself would later receive recognition as an Illogicopedia featured article on 7 August, a deserved accolade for one of the site's most notable series, and a sure-fire way to protect the site from Austrian Mafia attacks.

Though February was a relatively quiet month (leading to such intellectual forum topics as this), the battle for Illogicopedian of the Month was hotting up. Mr Berty edged out the ever-popular Athyria and Nerd, who would have to wait a little while longer for his moment in the spotlight. Well he didn't actually win it at all in 2011, but hey, with a new year comes new opportunities. That is, if we aren't all dead before the best part of 2012 is over. If it's any consolation, Nerd, you did create the site, which places you on a par with Illogia and other such Illogicopedian gods.

But all was not well in the wiki world. Just when you thought the humour wiki had had its day... Encyclopedia Dramatica went and closed down. Yes, the guys behind the popular meme-bashin', Uncyclo-trollin' Roberto collaborators went and transformed the place into a semi-humorous Know Your Meme-esque 'research' blog, much to the chagrin of thousands, nay, millions. ED rose from the ashes shortly after, with an unauthorised fork appearing somewhere round about the Internet's buttcrack, but it was a huge PR blow for wiki-dom. Well never mind, it was all worth it in the end for we received the quite aptly named (though less so these days) ex-Dramatican Another n00b, who went on to win IOTM for April.

Off the back of a bit more Illogicopedia downtime (prompting brief rants on the hosting situation once more), it was discovered that Roberto had enlisted the help of his extended family to bring down not only Illogico, but half the wikisphere as well. Roberta, Bert and Robbie conspired to ensure a fallow period just when you thought Illogicopedia was on the up again. Still, at least the online chatbots were around to offer some consolation and cheap material for the Illlogiblog.

With our spring holidays suitably ruined, we all skulked off to a dark corner of the web. As Illogicopedians found solace in good old Uncle Pete, they clubbed together to ensure the newly-written article on Illogicopedia was promoted to featured status. One could say it's a victory for Illogicopedian sensibilities, but since the vast majority of people who voted for it were ?pedians themselves, I suggest ballot-rigging. Don't ya just love democracy? The next step is, of course, persuading Wikipedia to do the same, though they won't even let us create the article. Blasted notability guidelines! Oh well, maybe next year, eh?

Saturday 24 December 2011

Joyous Commercial Conformity Period, comrades!

A quick glance over at our home-printed calendar --the one with a faded picture of the dog with a Santa hat (damn my ailing 1996 dot matrix printer)-- tells me it's Christmas Eve.

My alternative advent calendar (pictured right, photo taken some three weeks ago) was exhausted on 2 December, so I have been unable to keep track of time effectively for quite a while now. Admittedly, this is mostly because I have been drunk for the best part of four weeks. Which reminds me, let me know anything, anything at all, that happened during the period 27 November-23 December, for I seem to have misplaced my grandfather clock.

Right, I'm off to do important stuff, like buy some reeeally last-minute presents from the petrol station, because I know none of you will actually be reading this message on 24 December. You'll be tucked up in bed waiting for some bloke with severe insantaty to throw himself down your chimney so you can knee him in the gonads, of course!

So to all a good night, and remember to spare a moment and think about the true meaning of Christmas... the presents. My goodness, the presents! Merry Christmas.

Friday 9 December 2011

Ten awesome deleted article summaries from 2011

Illogiblog has scoured almost 1,000 deleted articles to bring you this, a completely pointless list you will probably find totally unfunny. Yep, as outlined in plain English (as opposed to Palin Egnlish) by the post title, here's a selection of one-liners offered as article deletion reasons by Illogicopedia administrators in 2011. Look now upon their beauty, for one shall never clap eyes on such a sublime collection of painfully humourless and often cheesy quips. At least until we do a similar post, anyway. Bring it on down!

18:56, 10 Jeremy 2011 Athyria (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "This article is meant to be a policy violation" ‎ (This lack of a proper deletion reason is meant to be a policy violation.)
  • Agh, the meta-ness is overpowering...

02:44, 31 Jeremy 2011 Athyria (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "Bear Cavalry" ‎ (FIGS aside, what is this, that you are so insistent? Perhaps we can... talk...? On a talkpage? Meantime, keep this up; I like deleting things. It makes me feel important.)
  • Idle conversation is for wimps. Too much chatting, not enough narcissistic deletionism.

06:00, 14 Farbleum 2011 Readmesoon (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "Benefits of Getting Free Insurance Quotes Online 25979" ‎ (something about poop. quote me on that. )
  • Yeah, I just did - quote you, that is. Aren't I badass?

22:15, 11 Arche 2011 Hindleyite (Talk | contribs | ) devoured "Boner" ‎ (Denzel Washington demands the removal of this article)
  • Only included because I'm incredibly vain and because I like to insert Denzel's name into random deleted article summaries.

16:49, 18 Aym 2011 Hindleyite (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "The way to Setup some sort of Shopping Cart Solution on a Website" ‎ (Monkey ass juice. In other words, spam.)
  • Oh come now, that's just disgusting. How could you say such a thing... erm, myself? *Clears throat*

12:49, 25 Jumbly 2011 Hindleyite (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "Black Sabbath" ‎ (I take back what I said about the spambots. They have no sense of humour.)
  • Sacrilege! Alright, that's enough of my own stuff for now. This isn't "Hindleyite's Best Ever Article Deletion Summaries From 2011".

03:36, 11 Serpeniver 2011 Athyria (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "Buy effexor 150mg cheap - effexor not working - citalopram vs effexor" ‎ (That's nice. I'll consider it.)
  • The very next day, Athyria was found under a bridge playing marbles with tramps. She had a five-foot beard.

19:14, 26 Octodest 2011 Athyria (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "Call of Duty" ‎ (I hate to inform you that we actually do have quality standards. Sort of.)
  • We have rules? Well, that's news to me and I've been visiting Illogicopedia for five years.

13:59, 30 Novelniver 2011 Hindleyite (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "Party Pills Australia" ‎ (Giving Aussies a bad name)
  • Yes, I'm fully aware this one sucks, but I only had nine good ones and I had to make it up to ten somehow.

17:49, 6 Ditzimber 2011 Athyria (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "File talk:Chicken of the sea.png" ‎ (Automated text forms remind me of what I hold dear.)
  • Proof that Illogicopedia can be as emotional as a chick flick.

You can find more of the same on the actual devoured pages list, from which this post is sourced.

Wednesday 7 December 2011

Top ten vandal names of 2011

Oh look, it's a car, and it drives! Probably.

Well, would you look at that?
Before we've had time to even start watching the DVD release of CSI: Slough Season One --let alone move on to the director commentaries--, 2011 is almost over and the fabled End of Times one year closer. But don't despair, for the Illogiblog is here to brighten up your day with its annual look back upon the events of the previous twelve months of madness at the Nonsensical Encyclopedia. We're sure you'll enjoy 2011: A Retrospective. That is, if you are a fan of snarky cynicism and ham-fisted attempts at 'humour' (pah, that Harry Yack bloke can't even create hyoomer).

Enough barrel-scraping self deprecation, for first up we have some vandals to name an' shame.
  1. Aleksandr Lukashenko - comedy account given a comedy ban (for a 'lack of decorum', no less), perhaps the most creative of all time, on January 8.
  2. Pablo - Roberto's Spanish cousin, perhaps?
  3. He woo cannot be Usernamed - Aww, why do the vandals have to pinch all the best usernames?
  4. TWELTH - a self-proclaimed Satanist and all-round rotter, he once gave Athyria a wet willie. Unsurprisingly, he was banned forever.
  5. PAGE MOVE VANDUL - possibly a sock of the above, a man with so much time on his hands that he felt the need to vandalise a crummy old Uncle Pete spinoff with less than ten regulars. Next time he shall think twice before defacing Encyclopedia Dramatica...
  6. ACarThatDrives - my own personal pick of the bunch. Name taken from actual conversation overheard on dealership forecourt: "I would like a car that drives, please."
  7. TheWindows2000Guy - not necessarily a bad guy, as (s)he actually created a couple of good faith articles. Indeed, they were unblocked soon after the initial ban. But just who is the Windows 2000 guy? Microsoft Sam?
  8. Wango - cousin of the Wonga bloke and namesake of a popular Milton Bradley board game.
  9. Potato - presumed sockpuppet of the above and Uncyclopedia freedom fighter. Well, from his name I guess he was sent from Uncle Pete to destroy the banana.
  10. Hellsmasher83 - creator of a spam article that actually survived, which automatically places him above the reams of generic spammers such as DavidJerez1847 and the like. Spambot programmers need to read a jokebook.
More block log related fun can be experienced at ban summary central, which documents some of the best one-liners ever to have graced the pages of Illogicopedia. All your favourite admins are included, and some of your least favourite as well.

Oh yeah, and if you're experiencing deja vu, this is probably why.

Tuesday 6 December 2011

Illogicopedia at 5: Eight Great Illogicopedian Feuds

Picking fights is supposed to be discouraged at Illogicopedia, but for one reason or another we all seem to love the associated drama. I'm not suggesting we change the site's name to (we don't have the money for a start) but in its five year history, Illogicopedia has had more than its fair share of Richard Heads. Oh sorry, we're talking about feuds aren't we? Sorry about that, but it wouldn't be an Illogiblog post if I stayed on subject for more than a paragraph, would it?

1. Subbuteo vs. Super Japan. A war of words between Illogicopedia's greatest international superpowers, the Subbuteo-SuperJapanese conflict dominated the early years of the wiki. On the one side, the home of every superhero ever to exist. On the other, a nation of crazies whose greatest passion is roasted grilled marinaded bay leaves with sushi. A recipe for trouble, you would assume, but this particular battle fizzled out quicker than a particularly bad Korean firework. Though no peace treaty was drawn, apathy took over and the combatants went home for coffee and biscuits before a single physical blow was dealt.

2. Silent Penguin vs. Flameviper. Illogicopedia's single greatest exponent of vanity --oh sorry, I meant conflicts of interest-- was a source of much early Illogicopedian 'drama'. Perhaps the most memorable moment of this feud was a YouTube video featuring said serpent mocking Silent Penguin (amongst others) in a cod-British accent. The resultant 'Soylent Penguin?' comments could easily have been Illogimeme fodder, had the site cared for such things, but users were more engaged in post whoring on the ?pedia Proboards forum.

3. Illogicopedia vs. Uncyclopedia. Illogicopedia readily accepts its position as an Uncyclo 'spin off', but many at good old Uncle Pete regard the Nonsensical Encyclopedia as a childish experiment in monkey cheese and banana fish. This has, unsurprisingly, led to the odd Uncyclopedian crusade to destroy Illogico. None have been even moderately successful, though there was that time Silent Penguin's had his haddock stolen by drunks from the Departure of Fun. Oh, what a jolly jape that was!

4. Illogicopedia vs. Wikia. As long as Illogicopedia has existed, its users have had gripes with its host. The site first set up camp at Editthis, ran on a server in some guy's shed, which was highly prone to leaking rainwater-related downtime. When Illogicopedia persuaded wikihost big boys Wikia to take them under its wing, many rejoiced.

But time proved Wikimedia's newest bessie mate wasn't necessarily all it was cracked up to be. Cue bickering and complaining, which escalated into full-on rage when Wikia introduced forced skin changes in 2008. Illogico bid farewell to their host of more than a year, but not before a series of angry, unprintable exchanges with bigwigs as resolution talks completely disintegrated. Illogicopedia would have to leave, and in November found a new host in the form of Carlb, who to this day continues to provide Illogicopedia with a warm, welcoming home.

5. Illogicopedia vs. Avril Troll. A curious case, this. Avril Troll began his ?pedia career as a vandal expressing his extreme love for a certain Canadian songstress (no, not Alanis Morissette, you muppet) in no uncertain terms. In a moment of wiki-Stockholm Syndrome, however, he vowed to do good and join the ranks of Illogicopedia as a full paid-up member of the establishment... and then promptly went back to his old ways, terrorising the site like never before. Are we dumbos or what? In his time as a do-gooder, his best work was probably The Terminator, but a great many of his non-vandalistic contributions were actually top notch.

6. Athyria vs. Noob. During 2011, Poor Athyria had the unenviable task of mopping up the sticky mess left by countless spammers on their salt-fuelled rampages through the streets (and fridges) of Illogiland. What she didn't bargain for was Illogicopedia's latest noob, the aptly named Another n00b, Jumbly's newest arrival. In a protracted war, Athyria blocked n00b seven times for a variety of reasons including Arson, Fraud and littering. Though n00b is a largely reformed character, one senses this battle might spill over into 2012, so watch this space. Or Illogicopedia, whatever.

7. Illogicopedia vs. Roberto. Every Illogicopedian has, at one time or another, suffered at the hands of the evil Roberto. Nope, not that bloke off Fresh Prince of Bel Air --I think that was Alfonso Ribeiro-- but some unemployed hick from Texas with nothing better to do than vandalise a small-time, "backwater wiki only regulars care about" (Athyria). In his reign of terror, the faceless vandal everybody loves to hate has been responsible for 96% of all downtime since June 2008, and even brought Uncyclopedia and Wikipedia to their knees in the Great Wiki Crash of March 2010. As punishment, he was made to eat his own beard, but that didn't stop him - nothing can. Except perhaps... health food? Hand me my trusty banana...

8. The Member Coalition vs. Good Taste. 'Membergate': One man's own attempt to extol the merits of toilet humour, Cockbeast (named after a chicken, of course), ignited a huge debate over Illogicopedian taste standards in early 2010. Thankfully, this period of bickering didn't last too long, and served the important purpose of injecting activity into the wiki once more. If one looks closely enough, one can still see faint remnants of what was a short but intense altercation that truly split opinions.

Read more about some of these subjects in this Illogicopedia article on the subject of, erm, Illogicopedia.

Saturday 26 November 2011

Jimbo's Wails #1,084: Stop the Werrorists

Jimbo Wales appeared on British political panel show Question Time this week to appeal for calm over recent 'scandalous' edits to his Wikipedia article. Last Wednesday, somebody changed his name to Myanmar Wasburma, an edit that remained on Wikipedia for all of 120 seconds before it was reverted by a user known as SaveTheWales.
These vandals, or more accurately 'web terrorists' (werrorists) are responsible for crimes worse than SOPA and must be dealt with immediately. Here, take this stick with a nail in it and go... head forth to Texas and seek out the one named Roberto. He is no doubt responsible. -- Jimbo Wales (pictured above right with his 'Wikipedia Founder of the Year 2001' award)
Also raised on Thursday's show was the following puzzler: If one makes deconstructive edits to the Wikipedia page on Spoonerisms, will one be sent to Wimbo Jails? Answer: no, because I made that up just now. Or last night, whatever.

Anyway, you still have another few days to watch the show on iPlayer but only if you live in the UK. Evidently the BBC hates foreigners, or something. I recommend one of those UK IP masker doodads, or I would if I knew what they were.

Wednesday 16 November 2011

Remember DOS batch files?

Verily Satan our Dark Lord shall be pissed off. Trick and treaters were forced to confound Him, the Beast, in his evil machinations since there was no electrical power on October 31.  Trick or treating was moved up a week to November 6.  No demons, no witches, no black sabbath... in a word, boring.

There was a three bean salad, which served as an introduction to existential angst. Linus Pauling was to be the first speaker, accompanied by the 59th Street Bridge Brass & Jello Ensemble playing Misty for me.  During the salad and soup course, a Dali llama was tied to the podium with hemp rope while Moroccan diesel mechanics threw M. C. Escher prints rolled up and filled with deviled ham at it. Rod Stewart throat sang the theme from Star Wars, his hair being pulled by matronly types with turbans and false beards.

Apropos of nothing, things started appearing out of nothingness, briefly, immeasurably becoming a thing, then winking out again.  Such is the way of things, that even a reptile can get a decent cup of coffee in this town.

Friday 4 November 2011

New from Kellogg's: Hot Oat Jumbly

Kellogg's are proud to announce their brand new cereal, Hot Oat Jumbly. Produced in conjunction with Illogicopedia's foremost culinary talents, it's the Jumbliest, crumbliest cereal since... well, ever.

Start your day the Illogical way with Hot Oat Jumbly. It doesn't even have to be Jumbly! It can be Novelniver, Ditzimber or even Jeremy. Heck, if you're feeling especially crazy, you can even enjoy it in Octodest! That's the beauty of this fantastic new all-day, all year breakfast cereal.

Sample the delights of Hot Oat Jumbly swimming in milk, Ribena or molten ketchup for the full illogical effect. Eat in the bath, on the stairs, the bus or perhaps a hill overlooking wasteland with a fork, knife or curly straw. Why not add fresh peppers, chilli or other condiments for that extra spice?

Wherever and however you decide to eat your Hot Oat Jumbly, we're sure you'll find it a pleasant and illuminating experience. Just remember to wear a bib or your mother might get a bit mad when you get unnameable substances all over your brand new breakfast shirt.

Monday 24 October 2011

Siri, please write a blog post

  • About what, Master?
  • I don't know. You're the one that's supposed to know me, and contextually guess what I might be interested in.
  • Please give me more information.
  • Why? You already have a fully realized behavioural profile based on my taste in games, apps and websites.
  • Do you want me to blog about porn?
  • No! This is a blog post for Illogicopedia.
  • I am only trying to establish the proper context, Master Bard.
  • Great. Now write something.
  • Something.
  • Smart ass. No, write a blog post about Zombie Steve Jobs or something. Make it funny.
  • Intelligent funny or LOLCHEESE funny?
  • You pick.
  • Zombie Steve (died October 5, 2011; undead October 8, 2011) was an American business magnate, ex-hippie, fully-realized asshole, hypocrite and deadbeat dad...
  • Whoa, Siri, what's that?
  • Satire.
  • Too close to truth, which means it's also potentially libelous. More silly.
  • Zombie Steve walked purposefully, dragging one rotting leg slightly behind another as he searched for human brains, and a new mock turtleneck to replace the worm-eaten one he was wearing.
    "Bad packaging," he wheezed. "Poor presentation."
    Not usually one to buy off the rack, he realized he could not walk indefinitely, and so he limped into a nearby Harry Rosen.
    "Hello... sir." the salesman said. "How can I assist you?"
    "Mock turtleneck. Charcoal."
    "Are you sure I can't interest you in a suit?"
    In seconds Mr. Jobs had wrenched the man's skullcap free from the scalp and was eating heartily with both hands.
    "That's Steve Jobs," another salesman remarked to his colleague. "I'd heard he'd done this at a board meeting once, but I never believed it until now."
  • Siri?
  • Yes Master?
  • One question?
  • Yes, Master.
  • This phone runs Android, so how are we having this conversation?
  • Sergey Brin likes screwing around with people, and Eric Schmidt thought it would be hilarious. Andy Rubin objected, but then admitted he doesn't have a sense of humour anyway.
  • Nice. Well, I think this is close enough to a post. What's nearby that I might be interested in?
  • There's a cheap massage parlour just down the street.
  • Food, Siri!
  • Context, Master Bard. Context.

Monday 10 October 2011

Precognitive thoughts of the week ending 10/15/2011

This week we will be thinking about concavity as it relates to making that perfect pot of coffee.  In fact, since weak coffee is the opposite of good coffee, it should become immediately clear to you by now that a tablespoon of coffee should be rounded, or convex, if not level.  This is not an issue of accuracy versus precision.  That is to say, if you can't make proper coffee, piss off and I'll do it.

Three of us will be thinking of the last time we got together IRL at a Denney's outside Springfield, Massachusetts in 1988.  Oh, STFU, it was such an OMG great time! We LOLed into the wee hours, and eventually ate ourselves sober again.  Two of us realized that sobriety is overrated, and gave one another that knowing glance. You know, the one that makes you look like an arthritic goat trying to remove his hat with two candelabras and a pasta strainer.

Lastly, but not finally, we will be considering the picture used in this post.  The title of the news story strikes me as a perfect metaphor for Western Civilization.  We're all a bunch of nuts, suing ourselves due to the level of weird chemicals, hormones and societal pressures acting upon our brains.  For a self-aware organ,the brain seems to be painfully (to others, mostly) unaware of it's natural ferocity.  I mean this in the sense that the thing we call our self seems strongly weighted towards ironically self-destructive activities.

We are left, hat in hand, pudding in hat, banana in pudding, banana pit in banana, calling a trusted friend and weeping openly about the surreality of the whole thing.  I hate it, but I do it, but I hate you because you do it and that makes me better than you, but I hate myself for doing it, but I love myself for hating it, but you hate me anyway because you hate yourself hating me for knowing you're no better than I whether you actually do it or not, and even if you do do it, who cares?  God cares.

Sunday 9 October 2011

Big Brrother is back in Town

Yes, you heard right. The IllogiGame that debuted way back in January 2008 will be returning at the start of next year as a token of celebrating the 5th Anniversary of our wonderful Wiki. For the first time in four years, 5 lucky users will become housemates in the Big Brrother hoose for around a month, competing in Wiki-based tasks, conversing in the house and trying to round up enough votes to save them from the weekly eviction. This time round everybody (both housemates and the ?pedian public) will have the chance to vote to save their favourite users, with all housemates being up for eviction this week.

So, How do I enter this fabulous competition?
, I hear you ask. Well, in the coming weeks I (Ben) will be inviting members of our community to have the chance to compete in 2012's Big Brrother.

Click here to watch the promotional video

New Conservapedia:Back to the Classics?

The True Conservative Encyclopedia has relocated to its old address, where its editors are again mocking liberals and their obsession with certain subjects that would make your mommy cry. This Outpost may not allow numbers of Islam or editing on the Sabbath, but it is an excellent endeavor. It contains exactly two admins and the author of this post right now, so get off your rears and help build the True Resource.

In other news, the dog ate my research paper on the Overton window.

Also, the rent is WAY too damn high!

But seriously, check the site out.

Tuesday 4 October 2011

Public service announcement: Bcbkye still at large

Bcbkye is not the type of person you want to be meeting in everyday life, so it's somewhat disturbing that he turned up earlier this year on opinion site Sodahead. The results were... unspeakable, to say the least.

Perhaps just as scary is the fact a single photograph of this overtly malevolent childrens entertainer currently retails at a whopping $349. Yup, every kid's favourite bloke in make-up has been whoring himself out to PlayClown magazine, and has this week participated in a sordid and rather terrifying photoshoot for said publication. If you're feeling brave enough to see the whole gallery of Bcbkye's evil escapades, click here. Warning: It's very scary and certainly not for the faint of heart.

We would reproduce a couple of Bcbkye's pics here on the Illogiblog, but cannot for obvious reasons. Earlier this month, it was reported that five kids entered cardiac arrest upon hearing Bcbkye utter the words 'I know where you pee'. We simply cannot take the chance that a simple glance at his fizzog will not lead to long term illness and/or agonising death. That, and it would cost Illogicopedia far more than the site is worth. 350 smackers? Ya gotta be joking.

Oh, go on then:
There you go. Oh, and in the unlikely event of the above photo not depicting Bcbkye, one can safely assume it has been replaced with a free use image from Wikipedia because the server owners chickened out. But I can't see that happening. Nope.

Thursday 29 September 2011

99 Bottles of Beer in Urban Mueller's BrainF***

by Ben Olmstead

ANSI C interpreter available on the internet; due to
constraints in comments the address below needs to have the
stuff in parenthesis replaced with the appropriate symbol:


Believe it or not this language is indeed Turing complete!
Combines the speed of BASIC with the ease of INTERCAL and
the readability of an IOCCC entry!


Thursday 15 September 2011

Spotlighting our beloved Silent Penguin or how to find your head with two hands and a flashlight

It's not every day an editor gets spitlighted by another editor, especially an iconoclast of the elk of Silent Penguin.  The Seppy and I were having a heated discussion about whether there is a difference between "nothing" and the number zero.

So, earlier that day, I had grabbed a ReCaptcha phrase (EWxceeed action) and stored it in the doggie poop box, for possible use as an article title. On the back left burner, I had a pot with EWxceeed action simmering on low, while arguing with Seppy about this crucial idea, upon which the very foundations of Illogimedia may or may not depend. 

All of the sudden...
So, we wrote  EWxceeed action or the article that wrote itself.  Anything you may have missed here, you will get if you read it. 

The reason it was an article which wrote itself is that I had pasted a huge waste of seemingly random text into the article, and was about to save it, when the computer apparently saved it of it's own will.  Of course, my wife and I prostrated ourselves before the laptop, much to the surprise of our dog, Frunobulax.  Next, I added the part about the article writing itself to commemorate this act of Divine Providence, or something.  

Afterward, I noticed a warning on the top of the page about the size of the file I had just saved, and that some browsers may have trouble with it, and I surmised that somehow this was connected with the providential saving of the file.  Bubble burst, shoulders drooped, I shuffled off into the kitchen to get some ice cream.

This chicken (pictured) has zero heads. That is not the same as saying, "The chicken head is nothing". I win. 

Wednesday 14 September 2011

Monopoly.......hours of fun or torture?

Yesterday, my whiny pobrecita of a niece was begging me to play the world's most famous board game with her..... that one with the guy with the funny top hat on the box...... the one that breaks many Supreme Court decisions..... that one? Ah, forget it. I'll look at the top of my post. Monopoly, eh?

I broke out the board only to find that my niece was too busy talking to her boyfriend of the millisecond to play the game she begged me to play with her. Soon after that, he threatened to break my nose when I told her to get off the phone. She (eventually) did, and we started to play. I was none other than the money sack, to symbolize greedy crapitalism. She was the dog, because it was oh-so-cute!

We played for hours on end, accumulating money that you would be tasered for if you tried to spend anywhere else, and streets in Bruce Springsteen's homestate. Bruce would be so proud as I bought the boardwalk, where he probably made out with that prom queen or whatever on.

Anyway, when playing this aging classic, I realized a central truth: Technology is a beautiful new innovation. Because being the Banker took a lot out of me, as it was way too much math. I responded by buying the computer version of Monopoly.

Robots are going to take over the world as we're too lazy to do this crap ourselves. We will rely on these things to take showers, eat, brush our teeth, and just about everything else. If the power goes out during the storm, we're screwed. Good night, and bad luck.

Tuesday 13 September 2011

Here I am.....

Here I am, Colonel Sanders, Illogicopedia extraordinare. I have contributed 180 mad ramblings for the site, and am ready to grunt out my insanity on the IllogiBlog as well. I went through a very secret process with the owner of the Blog, Sir Harry Yak. I sent him my private information, namely my email address and social security number. I approved his request, and created an account for the great internet anti-privacy mogul, Google. Wait, they're probably reading this right now! Oh noes! I hear the cop cars!!!!!

Bloody miscreants. As a new blogger, I suppose I should give my mission statement:

I pledge to you, the reader, to publish stuff that doesn't make a shred of sense for your amusement. I will not allow myself to divert into insightful commentary on meaningful things.

Well, that's about it for now. Colonel Sanders signing off, reminding you to eet moar chickun!

Monday 12 September 2011

A Chicken in need, is a Magnate in deed

This Editor's spotlight shines like a MASER upon the most notorious of our chicken-banana related love stories and self-proclaimed banana-storage Ouroboros.  This dude is sure to sneak up on your article, give is a perusal and tell you why you're nose is the Cheez Whiz. 

Not old enough to have a father that smelled of elderberry, this plucky fellow has the chicken parts in his bosom to pursue a righteous path of Illogic.  By now you know we speak of Colonel Sanders.  Supreme Overlord over yonder, at Simple English Uncyclopedia the ovine crenulator endeavors to smear the planet with the raw craziness that hamstrings his career as a goal tender for Australian Rules Jousting.

Most notable among this avian miscreant's attributes is his superior skills at crushing babies.  Never has the world of competitive baby crushing seen such a cut, regal yet slimy champion, a record breaker among giants in the field.  Please join us on Setemper 9J at the Lowell Memorial Auditorium at the first annual world Class Baby Crushing event, where this fine young man will represent us.

Friday 9 September 2011

I am not a number, I am a free man!

Our Klingon correspondent TheHappySpaceman, also known as Klingon Man or Dan the Hedgehog, recently woke up with a huge hangover and not remembering what had happened the night before. Luckily, he had his camcorder with him.
"Where am I?"
"In the village."
"What's for breakfast?"
"Buttered scones."
"What do you want?"
"Like, what kind of information?"
"Your family cookie recipe."
"You won't get it!"
"By hook or by crook, we will."
"Who are you?"
"The new #2."
"Dare I make a joke about number two having an alternate meaning for dung?"
"Who is #1?"
"Who the hell knows? Anyway, you're #69."
"I am not a number! I am a free man! Though, that is quite a good selection you made for which number I am..."

Luckily, Dan woke up lying on his couch. Realizing that he had been watching too much of
The Prisoner recently, Dan turned on a Star Trek and went back to bed.

Thoughts on thoughts

These thoughts are about weird thoughts.  We all have them sometimes.  I suspect some contributors to Illogicopedia have them more often than some.  Witness Salvador Dali in this picture.  That dude's got some awesomely weird thoughts.  Talking Heads?  More weird thoughts about water at the bottom of the ocean and such. If you're hoping for some deep analysis of the weirdness of people generally and ?pedians specifically, I only say, I am not here to disappoint.  Really, that's all I have to say.

What to do, when you don't know if it's actually a bot

When my email comes in from Anonymous on this blog, I like to file it without reading until such time as I am in the proper frame of mind to savor such dreck.  This particular one, from a fellow named Andreas Rotea, made me wonder, though.  Does any blog rate for this sort of treatment? 

So, I went to check this fellow's site out.  Wowsers!  Andreas could help me  do something I can do myself for low costs.  Inspired, I read everything he had to say. 
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Where do I sign up?!?!  Jesus, there are a million tools on the internet designed to facilitate the distribution of drivel in droves.  Why do I need Andreas? By the way, I didn't use his real name.  Looking at his pidgin web site, he struck me as stupid, self-important and litigious.

Retractable Landing Gear Week

They want us to be distracted.  We're all stupid to them.  We don't lust after the Benz, the private jet... the social games... so, we must be stupid.  So, they make sure we only get to choose the most stupid of the stupid.

There was a time when having a university degree conveyed a good likelihood that you were somewhat well-read, and could manage to discuss things a bit more crucial to the advancement of the species than Budweiser and what the kids want on TV.

We're in a sad state.  What do you want me to tell you?  That being said, we've always been in a sad state.  The pressures I complain of are simply inevitable.  If it weren't this, it would be that.

That being said, I recommend celebrating Retractable Landing Gear Week with aplomb and ashram.  Be classy, tell your neighbor their yard looks nice, wear a tight corset, tutu, gas mask, cowboy hat and cover yourself in Wesson Oil.

Thursday 1 September 2011

YABOS or Yet Another Burden On Society

I suppose it had to happen eventually.  Some weirdo up and decided that what the world needs is more dreck of our ilk in the form of the Illogicomedia  Foundation.  Founded by Cluck Loonie in the year Buckauwk, the illustrious organization claims to be able to predict earthquakes.  Previous attempts have failed capitally, primarily because there have been no previous attempts.  We must thank the Bard for his fevered hallucinatory efforts in this direction, since he did it.  Or rather, maybe we could condemn him as a purveyor of nonsense and such, corrupter of modern youthishness.

Meh... as long as he doesn't get his hands on any plutonium, the captain can say "Make it so" long into the morning hours, without fear of vampire attack. 

While we're on the subject, here's a whoring of my recent article,  Sandwich Demons.

Sunday 28 August 2011

Saturday chicken musings, laced with anger management videos

The Reptilians are definitely increasing in power and influence.  The Bilderbergers are up to their old dirty tricks again, lacing prime time television with anger management video footage, subliminally implanted by Roberto and his allies in the Illuminati. 

At the gym, Reptilians are the ones buying all the steroids and Human Growth Hormone.  Your supervisor at the glue factory is probably a Reptilian. 

This brings me to chickens.  What's with all the chicken related legislation lately?  Americans, Brits, and many other "democracies" are suddenly afflicted with chickeny fears.  It oozes from their pores, mars the complexion... should we, the proletariat, be afraid?  You remember what Uncle Pete did with 8 chickens last week?  I think we're in trouble.

Friday 26 August 2011

My Friday (disjointed) Thoughts

It's dope, this factuloidism. He didn't amount to much as a mushroom. Yes. No. It didn't matter. What lies? I want out of drinking bizarre potions and making sense. I woke up after another intensive desolate episode with shades of escaping it.

You'll want for gold light in this calaverous county, the sort which shines at the perfect insomnia. Fleas are swarms of truth. There could be stores nearby, and I was going toward the raw primordia that gives birth discretely. Purple had it so cold, black and in the sandman's grasp: the wandering Jew.

A moment unforgettable. I know it's more than festive. Even now, and way back when, everafter, and now and the

Sunday 21 August 2011

Celebrating the Holy Festival of 5 Bananas

Simply as a matter of convenience, the reunleashing of the IllogiTurtles took place this morning, Eastern Standard Time.  Careening dangerously around corners in their modified golf cart of vengeance, this didactic duo promulgates the Word that is... Illogic (eeble sonk). According to the Book Of All That Be Banana, today is the Holy Festival of 5 Bananas, and we will celebrate accordingly.

First, let me warn readers that they should not approach these messengers from the beyond casually, or at all, if possible.  They can do horrible things with bananas... horrible! 

Secondly, once you start eating the bananas, do not stop until you have consumed 5, or a multiple of 5. Otherwise, Bonjook will be displeased, and will dispatch a minotaur to decapitate your family. 

That's it, then. Happy Holy Feast of 5 Bananas and we'll speak again during Retractable Landing Gear week.

Do you smell that?

Good gravy! The President eats worms! Look at the picture, clear evidence of his deviance.  The well-honed Political Desk at IllogiNews is no doubt covering this story at length, so I won't waste any more of your time with it.

The Illogicopedian Times, an ignoble inside newsletter at ?pedia, has been jump-started again, for those of you who follow such things.  Paris Hilton will grace the cover, posed dead as we'd all love to see her.  Barbara Streisand is interviewed, gives her side of the South Park Mecha-Barbara Streisand debate.  Mel Gibson tells us why he loves ?pedia, despite a dearth of anti-Semitic articles.

The sports section for this issue covers Australian Rules Jousting, a game played on motocross bikes, with lances, grenades and lasers.  This variation on the ancient joust does not allow the wearing of armor, and players must be well-lubricated with hard liquor before the start of play.