The discerning mind

Bilbo Endive
88 Uvula Proxima
Rat's Tangle, London, UK

Today's shipment of belching hyenas will be a bit short, so please bear with us as we make up the difference in land dolphins. As always, remember to treat raw hyena meats with motor oil as a prophylaxis against implantation by space aliens and Belgians.

While visiting our facility, please bear witness to the many wonders and cackling horsies as they impede your vision of a better tomorrow. If you can read this, you are too close... to something dangerous, like fanged meats, perhaps. Beware the nonchalance and indignity, as it's catching. So is your mum.

Yours In Christ,
The Doldrums

Do you smell that?

Good gravy! The President eats worms! Look at the picture, clear evidence of his deviance.  The well-honed Political Desk at IllogiNews is no doubt covering this story at length, so I won't waste any more of your time with it.

The Illogicopedian Times, an ignoble inside newsletter at ?pedia, has been jump-started again, for those of you who follow such things.  Paris Hilton will grace the cover, posed dead as we'd all love to see her.  Barbara Streisand is interviewed, gives her side of the South Park Mecha-Barbara Streisand debate.  Mel Gibson tells us why he loves ?pedia, despite a dearth of anti-Semitic articles.

The sports section for this issue covers Australian Rules Jousting, a game played on motocross bikes, with lances, grenades and lasers.  This variation on the ancient joust does not allow the wearing of armor, and players must be well-lubricated with hard liquor before the start of play.

Illogicomedia acquires oceanic circulation

Following in the footsteps of super-sensational Black Metal band Metalocalypse, researchers at IllogicoLabs have developed an effective media delivery system for fishes. 

Says Dr. Zinbat Calliflorensia of IllogiLabs LLC, "By far the greatest challenge was to adapt bananas with seaworthy gills." 

We are adopting a modified Microsofteseque Blitzkrieg methodology with which to quickly and massively saturate the markets in all major oceans and seas.  Although holding an initial monopoly on marine fish as an audience, we realize that alone will not guarantee far-reaching success and permanent world domination potential.  That is why we have acquired a fleet of decommissioned Soviet submarines.  If necessary,  we can interfere with merchant shipping long enough to focus our fleet of laser shark satellites on cowboys.

Having a dog tongue in your nostril can be unpleasant

Harrowing accounts of deadly flying banana attacks have been reported at Illogicopedia's Rio Di Janerio offices. A fellow named Roberto has escaped the the mayhem to report exclusively to us as IllogiNews on the situation, such as it is. According to Roger, Roberto says robot bananas are the first strike shock troops that insinuate themselves into your nostrils. Sub-atomically, migraine structures become insinuated on the vascular bundles right next to your mom. Other gambits have been proposed by Darth Vader, Chiquita, Thessaly Boogers and Froogles MacKenzie.

Illogicopedia returns to full functionality

Congratulations to Carlb, the winner of this week's Super Saviour Award (which isn't a real award, more some meaningless title I made up just now) for reviving VFF from the brink of internal combustion with his expert coding knowledge.

The DPL bug is now fixed and we can all go about our everyday wikilives just the same as we used to. Well, kind of. I've forgotten half of the wikicoding and have to make do with copy-pasting from Uncle Pete, but then haven't we always just done this, in reality?

Never mind about that for now though, for even though activity here at Illogico Towers currently ranks as average, with only the odd user popping in for an extra-strong cup of coffee (laced with paracetamol or similar over-the-counter drug), hopes for August are quite high.

The Illogicopedia spin-off, No Ammo, expects to triumphantly launch to a chorus of 'mehs' sometime before September, and talks are already underway to somehow transform Illogico into the social and economic powerhouse it once never was. Well, we can only hope.

More on these issues as and when my coffee arrives, which at this rate will probably be tomorrow afternoon.

Wikipedia downed as Roberto strikes again

Oh dear, it seems Illogic's recent server problems have rubbed off on its big brother. That's Wikipedia, incidentally, or 'Windpipe' if you're my spellchecker.

The Free Encyclopedia has been down worldwide for a while now, apparently causing much error-message related mirth. At least, it isn't working for me at this particular moment in time (that's now, for the sake of posterity), but what do I care? I'm just pleased my own Internet connection is actually functioning again following a 24-hour period of crashination. Raw corn!

According to a quick search of Google News, this particular server crash is simply down to 'a coding error', but we know different. Roberto, the alien hunting non-existent entity everyone loves to hate (or not, if you don't believe in ghosts), is of course the real cause. Don't tell anyone, however, or Jimmy Wales and his vandalous crones will close down ?pedia quicker than you can say pseudoantidisestablishmentarianism.

Actually, they may have already done so, seeing as I can't get Illogico to load right now. Gulp! Effective immediately, I declare server rat hunting season open! Feel free to open fire at blokes with baseball caps and large guns as well - the likelihood is they were gonna shoot you anyway.

In the absence of a suitable alternative, please do not hesitate to utilise Illogicopedia as a substitute for Wikipedia until further notice. At least when it comes back online, anyway.