Saturday, 9 February 2013

Where Are They Now? #1 - The Chipmunk Chef

No figure was quite as prominent in early Illogicopedian history as the infamous chipmunk chef. Yet he remains elusive - nobody knows his name or current whereabouts, his favourite board game or brand of washing up liquid. He has only ever appeared online in two episodes of the Illogicast - once as a stand-in for Kerguelenese stuff you stick in yer mouth correspondent Gordon Ramsay, and once to drunkenly butcher a reading of the news.

Not unlike the Keyboard Hamster, the chipmunk's star shone brightly for all too short a time. Did he elope to warmer climes? Certainly, a great insistence on modifying his moniker from the French to the European Chipmunk Chef suggests a change of abode, or perhaps that his voice actor is terrible at sticking to any one particular accent but his own.

Could he be dead? Diners at his restaurant in Nancy would often meet gristly ends shortly after consuming his 2 Euro 'Meat Thy Maker' raw steak special - did he accidentally swallow one of his own poisonous creations? Or maybe he wandered too far into the forest one day? Certainly, woodland residents do not take too kindly to boisterous, gluttonous ex-Illogicopedians, so they may have speared him with a particularly sharp stick before feeding him to the crocogators.

One would hope not. Come back, chef!

Thursday, 7 February 2013

Thoughts of the Decade (07 February 2013)


Oh, huh, wha? *Snorts*

What, why'd you wake me up there? I was quite happily enjoying an eight-month-long snooze and you just had to wake me up for no reason!

Wait, Illogicopedia may be moving servers, you say? Well why didn't you tell me?! Get the Thermos and sandwiches, Jeeveston, for it is time to go bogtrotting! Now where's me wellies?

*Adjusts tie, clears throat*

So how the devil have you all been? I've, erm, been off fighting that Roberto fella for the best part of a year but now I'm back, for the time being at least. Hey, I owe it you guys to help out, don't I? I'll find the keys to my Ford Transit after this post, so get your stuff together. Can only fit a few things in though, got a license for vehicles up to 25kg - more than a couple of portable tellies will take it over the limit.

Nope, your pinball table is too big. I can smash it up a bit to squeeze in for you, however.

Great to see Uncyclopedia going independent again, if only to witness the drama that ensues when the old, Wikia Uncyc is run in direct competition to the fresh fork. Mmm, fresh fork... want anything from the chippy while I'm going?

Yes, you can tell from the way I keep drifting off-topic that I am a bit out of practice. Thankfully, Illogico has allowed me to play keyboards for this tour on a session musician's wage - that's two cigarettes and half a Toffee Crisp, by the way. Magic!

Word of the week: Glomp
Obscure Pacific country of the week: Tuvalu
Old crisp of the week: Thingies (tomato flavour)