Tuesday 25 December 2012

Secondary effects of blogging on Christmas day

Exposure to insipid holiday cartoons can be the most hazardous side effect of committing font to display today. Otherwise, the dog is pretty content. Santa gave her four gigantic chewing outlets. Three are made of combinations of rawhide and some meat-like substance reminiscent of Snausages. The last is an honest to goodness thighbone of some unfortunate stock animal, treated with radiation or petrochemicals to preserve it, I guess. It's got a meaty kind of coating on it, and smells vile. Perfect for a dog.

One of my gifts was a great knife to threaten roving Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses and Evangelicals who dare to tread on my porch.

So, today commemorates the day Jesus changed the fishes into wine, and the bears into beer. The foundation of two thousand years of theological haggling and that's the best we could come up with. I feel, being fresh into a new millennium and all, that maybe some things ought to change. For one thing, all liturgical music should be replaced with songs by Bachman Turner Overdrive. I'm thinking, Taking Care of Business during communion, and You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet for Easter celebrations.

Saturday 1 December 2012

Suffering from post-Olympics letdown?

I'm a huge fan of violent sports, and organized child abuse has always been my favorite genre. My two boys will tell you, I specialized in haymakers and kidney punches, and I did it with relish.

Not since the 400 meter downhill spouse beating event of 1965 have I been this excited about a new way to inflict pain competitively. MMATP (Mixed martial arts toddler pummeling) is just the sort of thing I can get behind.

Won't you join us in promoting good, clean family fun?

Monday 19 November 2012

Revisionist History

It's December 19, 2012.  I was deeply concerned that no-one had blogged in the month of November.  No one.  Not once.

And so I wrote this.

And backdated it to November.

Wipe that look of horror off your pudding face.  They do worse things on Wall Street every day.

Oooh. Another sin.

Thursday 4 October 2012

Cross-posted from Frunobublog

Poor Frunobulax (the dog) and Boudica, Keyboard, Mouse and Ariel (the cats) are in need of flea treatment. Laxxie tells me that the pic here reminds her of how it feels in between petulant scratching. I gave her some benedryl, and have some oxycodone to take for myself when I give her a bath tomorrow night. Then the whole pack gets a FrontLine Plus treatment.

So, as I was looking around for best prices, I found a post in some other google blog. Scrolling along, I find that I can easily link to this content in Frunobublog. As usual, I was paying half-assed attention and linked it to this blog instead.

So, here we are, with me explaining this stuff to you, posting what might possibly be among the most great logical items here.

This post (Comin' Home: How to Save 75% on Flea Medicine with a Bulk Kit) pointed me here (http://www.luvmypetssupplystore.com/). It seems that I might save a butt load of money on flea and tick treatment.

Friday 28 September 2012

What it is, and how you can get it

Having a doctorate in Applied Kinesiology and Literal Interpratation of the Bible came in handy for the situation at Illogicopedia, as it stands today. Blinkered, Philistine pig-ignorance having saturated our planet, writers of what can only be termed a silly gaggle of half-wits, miscreants, welshers and pragmatists have been seemingly on strike. The question on the President's mind, of course, is, "What's all this, then?"

Well, I'll tell you what's all this, then, right now. What it is is, the y the -izm that izm zimizm. Now before you protest, or call out to God or Satan, or whatever sky gods there be, I allow myself this vanity because... well, hell, I'm the only one here.

By the way, whoever was here before me left the coffee maker on, and now we've got a charred break room. We'll have to bring in our own beverages and make do for storage. Management will reimburse you one of those little refrigerators for under your desks, if you so choose. Otherwise, never mind.

If you've endured the drivel thus far, then... well, you have time to write something for ?pedia. I'm not saying you should, just that it's possible. Possible... pos...i...bull... interesting word... anyway, time for me to piss off.

Friday 17 August 2012

Is this thing on?

Back in the good old days, when people corresponded with things called letters, the famous Piltdown Man skull was exhibited at various river banks and sea shores. Thus, the spate of utter nothingness happening at Illogicopedia has resulted in the deaths of literally millions. In order to eradicate this seething threat from a Hell dimension, Wal*Mart is having a white sale, which I think is a bit rude to the rest of the population of America.

W. Kamau has a hilarious show on FX. I finally got around to setting up a cheap webcam for my laptop, and decided to check out Chatroulette.com. The idea, for those of us who live in caves and read a lot of Plato, is an interface where your image is shown to the person who is chatting with you, and you can see them. You can "spin" through random users, and they can "next" you if they don't want to talk with you. And vice versa. Also, the other way around

There were surprisingly few hits where I was treated to the sight of penises or breasts. Most resulted in young men with their shirts off and glazed eyes. I had maybe 5 genial if short conversations over the course of about 15 hours of use. More on this later, when I'm not feeling like a mastadon trampled me at the market while choosing a nice brisket for dinner.

Saturday 11 August 2012

Illogicomedia Disowned?

A recent comment in the forums suggested that the Illogicomedia Foundation was guilty of copyright trademark infringement. An odd reversal of opinion, given that the same user (in the same message thread) lauded the IF's flag waving and parody of the Wikimedia Foundation.

It was at this point that I discovered a quote from a dear friend that suggested that a number of ?pedians have disowned the Illogicomedia Foundation. Say it ain't so?

Read and comment here.

Wednesday 1 August 2012

Illogicomedia Foundation Lives On

It's hardly a secret that Illogicopedia's pseudo-parent organization, the Illogicomedia Foundation, is a barely-visited, rarely-updated spam haven managed by slackers who rarely find the willpower to peel themselves off the bedsheets before the crack of noon, let alone actually show up and put in an honest day's work. However, about once per year the Benevolent Dictator for Life does consent to make a token appearance to do minor cleanup...

This year he came to the undeniable conclusion that "maintaining a wiki sucks", and as a result, the IF wiki has been closed to the public (i.e. spambots), and the content is being migrated to a new corporate presence.

Rest assured that this too will be neglected, but will look much cleaner year round, maintaining the illusion that your donations are indeed hard at work.

Thursday 5 July 2012

The Pickle

Since Illogicopedia is back up, and since it is July, I was wondering...


Because I was really hoping to submit something into it, and... well, it's an Illogicopedian tradition to have the writing contest known as the Illogic Pickle every July. So, yeah, are we going to do it or not?

This is Dan Brutón a.k.a. TheHappySpaceman signing off.

P.S.- Just to get back into the spirit of things, here's a mandatory pickle image:

Tuesday 19 June 2012

Thoughts of the, er, year?

The Illogicopedia is going through a lean patch right now, but there's some good news - we're back online, baby! Or not, depending on when you're reading this. Consider the following image:

Here, Illogicopedia is the poorly-attired bullfighter attempting to prevent the inevitable attack of server saboteurs, represented by the bull. The blokes in orange are not relevant - their appearance in this image can be compared to Petr Cech's contribution to Euro 2012. That is, fleeting and largely pointless peripheral fumbling. (Sorry Testicles.)

In other, more relevant news, Uncyclopedia is now age restricted. For vague proof, see the below image, which (for a change) is in no way a propaganda Photoshop.

You'll be pleased to know there are no such measures in place at Illogicopedia, so if you're under the age of 13, breathe a sigh of relief. However, in the unlikely event of us adopting restrictions at any point in the future, always carry an adult for when you decided to visit the site.

Hey, I just noticed something. What happened to the Random Page link on the sidebar? I used to use that all the time. Meh.

Anyway, it's time for me to go. My captors allow 1 hour of supervised internet access per day, and I have but minutes left. There's hardly time for me to check my pay-per-click account and spam the Spanish embassy site with rude messages, so I must flyyyyyyy!

*Attempts to fly, but smashes into wall*

Thursday 24 May 2012

The Anti Wikia Wiki Alliance Wiki


Roberto has struck on its servers too, hasn't he? Shoutwiki has encountered some heavier problems than Uncyclomedia has had. The wikis over there have been down since autumn last year, if I'm correct.

What's next? An Anti-Shoutwiki Alliance Wiki on wikkii.com?

Does somebody know more?

Sunday 22 April 2012

Not in defense of Roberto

Once again we repeat our recursive redoublings,
quickly quashing an itch or a fervor to do violence to something like Roberto. Pig's lilly festoonery would be easier to find in a public library than a serving server for Illogicopedia's nefarious purpose. A brittle mooch would be the day when you see fit to fling the pea skyward, and we all know that gravity exerts it's inexcrementable influence, on pod and pea alike.

This brings us to what I imagine Roberto to look like, in the flesh, so to speak. This debauched wreckage of technical malfeasance only serves not to serve. Were the inscrutable Non-existent Man to be summoned to the scene of the crime, would he not not show up? Such is the wrinkled case for Roberto, and this is why he needs to be replaced.

Tuesday 10 April 2012

Analysis of the Illogicopedia 404 page:

"Sorry! This site is experiencing technical difficulties"

- This feeble apology attempts to make out that it is 'on your side' by insisting that Roberto is genuinely sorry for expelling the website from the web.

"Try waiting a few minutes and reloading."

- As the website is usually down for days at a time, rather than minutes, this is a scheming plan to waste your precious time - as in the meantime, Roberto destroys everything that is important to you. Indeed, while you are sat there refreshing the page like a fool, evil is at work.

"(Can't contact the database server: Unknown error (roberto))"

- This shows that Roberto has hijacked our servers, and is cutting off all contacts to the outside world. We must coax him out of our database by whatever means possible.

"You can try searching via Google in the meantime.
Note that their indexes of our content may be out of date."

- By telling you to search Google for pages that are quite clearly offline, Roberto is yet again wasting your time for nefarious means. He also tries to affiliate with us again, describing all the pages we have spent so much effort on as 'ours'.

But Roberto is not one of us. He is satan in wiki-form.

site is very very down which is different from normal downtime in how down it is now

Yeah, this is getting pretty absurd ...


Top theologians from around the globe are meeting today, coincidentally Easter Sunday, to discuss the recently discovered, obscure passage found in a bible dating from 10 bce. Known as the, it has been tentatively translated from the original Pali

This happens every time I start a new religion. No sooner do I begin to construct a foundation for yet another new, shiny spiritual awakening vehicle, than dissenting voices make themselves known. Irregardless of the fact that the voices emanate from within the confines of my own brain pan.

Thus far, I've only got the idea that the word "Monotreme" is in the name, and that there is some sort of amazing event called the Platypocalypse. Apparently, Jesus really was a raptor, back in the day, and that dinosaurs were the original Jews. Noah was a proto-lemur, who saved mammals from the meteorite cataclysm about 65 million years ago by inventing the inflatable raft.

Cain and Abel were the primal blessed vessels, designed by God on spec to house souls. Cain represented the monotremes, or egg-laying mammals, and Abel was chief among the marsupials and placentals. After God made quick work of the dinosaurs, leaving only chickens, He got to work picking out who was good and who was bad. He decided to leave it to chance, the Holy Equivalent of a coin toss, and it fell to the egg-layers to be the Jews, forever to walk the Earth chosen yet tortured, except for the ones that make it in Hollywood or banking or diamonds.

So, the Platypocalypse... That would be something like, "...and lo, didst the disciples of the shell rise up across the lands, and didst they multiply furiously and inexplicably and seethe across all the oceans of the Earth, and ravage the beaches, and the fields, and the cities, and the cattle, and the goats, and the other stuff. People got pretty upset about all this."

Tuesday 27 March 2012

Bcbkye and Roberto on Finnish teletext

Greetings, Yack-readers. I'm currently taking an(other) extended break from Illogicopedia, but simply had to drop in for five minutes and tell you about this.

When I heard about the International Teletext Art Festival, I started to create some test pieces, you know, just to see if I could still physically do it. I grabbed a bunch of pics from my hard drive to convert to the teletext format, and naturally a bunch of them are Illogicopedia-related. Anyway, some of these experiments turned out quite well, so well, in fact, that I decided to actually submit them.

And that's the tale of how the Illogicopedia forum banana, Roberto and Bcbkye ended up on YLE Teksti-TV.

Here's the demented clown himself. Warning: not for the faint of heart!

This is Roberto, figuring out how to best destroy the Teletext servers.

And this is a semi-tribute to that one album cover
Well not really, but it looks pretty cool anyway.

All sources have been attributed (by which I mean I gave Huge Bob and Silent Penguin credit for some of the artwork). If you're interested, the index of my stuff is here, and is viewable alongside the other fantastic entries until 8 April.

Wednesday 14 March 2012

The discerning mind

Bilbo Endive
88 Uvula Proxima
Rat's Tangle, London, UK

Today's shipment of belching hyenas will be a bit short, so please bear with us as we make up the difference in land dolphins. As always, remember to treat raw hyena meats with motor oil as a prophylaxis against implantation by space aliens and Belgians.

While visiting our facility, please bear witness to the many wonders and cackling horsies as they impede your vision of a better tomorrow. If you can read this, you are too close... to something dangerous, like fanged meats, perhaps. Beware the nonchalance and indignity, as it's catching. So is your mum.

Yours In Christ,
The Doldrums

Tuesday 13 March 2012

Roberto plots against us!

Francis E. Dec can't get a proper treatment on Illogicopedia, just because Roberto is feeling down. I am so tired of this chemically-dependent culture of slack-jawed miscreants, hovering over us like wafting teargas, admiring our descent into driveling waifliness.

Now Roberto can be disingenuous at times, even unfocused in his affections. That's why we had to go to Mexico to purchase mercury-based medicines with which to treat the bandito. Dr.Jesus was obliging, friendly and efficient in his accommodation of our request, and even threw in 2 free resurrections for Sancho and I.

It's times like these that I am glad to be a land-stander.

Monday 20 February 2012

Monday 6 February 2012

Illogicopedia time capsule: Editthis Illogico

Here's a brief glance at how the old Editthis Illogicopedia looked back in December 2008, courtesy the Internet Archive. At this point, ?pedia had been at Wikia for more than a year but the Editthis wiki remained as an archive of past misdemeanours glories for all to view up until its quiet closure at some point in late 2009/early 2010.

The snapshot above, recorded for posterity at the Internet Archive, is the final incarnation of Editthis Illogic's main page featuring that oh-so-famously cringeworthy chatlog riffing on Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody. This was the final update at the Editthis wiki until 2008's Retro Week saw it re-open for seven days, during which time a number of articles were created and subsequently ported over to the new wiki the following week.

Sunday 29 January 2012

Big Brrother 2012 - We have a winner!

That's it! We have our winner, as chosen by you, the Illogicopedian public. Thank you to all the Contestants, voters and those who helped out (especially Hindleyite) in taking part in this celebration of Illogciopedia's fifth anniversary.


The interactive IllogiGame draws to a close tonight, so if you haven't already, you need to vote for either Athyria or Dan The Hedgehog to WIN, by sending an email with your preferred user to bigbrrother@email.com. It's genuinely neck-and-neck between the two at the moment, so put down your monocle cleaning kit and get voting!

Last night, Big Brrother booted out Colonel Sanders in the Semi-Final with the least votes to win, meaning he finished in a very respectable third. Bravo.

Sunday 22 January 2012

Big Brrother 2012 - Vote for your Winner!

That's right! We're into the last week now, and with the final on Saturday, Big Brrother needs YOU to vote for your favourite user to win (unless you don't want your favourite to win due to some strange inferiority complex). You only need to put ONE user in the email this time.

Whether you're rooting for Athyria, Dan The Hedgehog or Colonel Sanders, make sure your vote counts!

Saturday 14 January 2012

Big Brrother 2012: Eviction Day #2

Well, Eviction Day #1 was a bit of a non-event because nobody voted. Never mind, because this week saw a double eviction from the Big Brro house. You lucky people!

There you go, Big Brrother has spoken. Commiserations to those who haven't made it to the third week, but congrats to the three remaining contestants. The competition is really heating up now, so get on down there and savour the experience.

Remember to get your votes in for the next eviction in a week's time.

Monday 9 January 2012

Big Brrother 2012 Announcement: Vote now to SAVE your fave housemate!

Attention all Illogicopedians! The voting window is now open, so get yourself down to the Big Brro House and pick your favourites. Then, simply send an email to Big Brrother with your selections. It only takes a few seconds to participate in the fun! Remember, you are voting to SAVE precisely TWO users.

Check back soon to see when the second eviction window is open.

Sunday 1 January 2012

Happy New Beer, Illogicans

As Illogicopedia enters its sixth year of existence, we're ushering in a new era of nonsense and general madness with a bunch of cool stuff even the most hardened of Uncle Pete users would find mildly awesome.

To kick off the new year, we're seeing the return of that Illogicopedian institution, Big Brrother. The Hoose is now open, and even though you probably aren't allowed in there we can still discuss goings-on in the Illogicopedia common room. Make sure not to give away any happenings from the outside world, though, or we'll be forced to insert blunt objects cake about your person. Huh, I guess that particular bit of censorship won't work too well, but never mind.

It's not often we launch official votes for stuff, but ?pedia's fifth anniversary is as good a time as any. All Illogicopedians are free to vote in the People's Choice Awards, and you can do so up until 1 April, so by all means take a look. There are prizes for Best Article, Best User, Most Awesome Thing to Happen on Illogicopedia plus a bunch of other categories we haven't yet thought up. Oooh, it's all so very exciting!

Celebrations are already well underway, for now in place at the Illogicopedia is a super-special commemorative wiki logo (above right) courtesy The Happy Spaceman and a highly apt featured article. There's more to come, we're sure of it, so keep an eye on the Illogiblog for any as-yet unannounced TQ (that's top quality, incidentally) stuff.

Remember, Illogicopedia will be five years old in less than a week, so don't forget to buy cake and presents to the surprise party we're all planning. We'd appreciate if you kept it a secret from Illogico, however, otherwise it wouldn't be a surprise, would it?