Friday 24 December 2010

Merry Christmas, baby

As is customary for this time of year, Illogiblog would like to extend a hearty "Happy Christmas" to its readers, all three of them (wait, that joke sounds painfully familiar). Unlike in years past, however, we aren't doing anything special, and for that you have Roberto merchant bankers to thank. Yep, for once it isn't all Big Bob's fault.

Never mind, though, because Christmas isn't about money, it's about kicking shopping arcade Santas in the 'nads and getting away with it. And watching that rubbish Arnold Schwarzenegger thing where he beats up a factory of Father Christmases.

Anyhow, I hope you all get what you want, though I know that this rarely ever happens. Turns out you can't buy a Bcbkye commemorative mantelpiece plate for love nor money at this time of year. *Sigh*. Looks like I'll have to settle for Does This Bus Go to Orpington? The Board Game again. Do not come to our house for Christmas tea or you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

Monday 20 December 2010

2010: A Retrospective: Part Two

As another action-packed year draws to a close, Illogiblog concludes its two part rundown of 2010 through the eyes of an Illogicopedian.

~ ~ ~ ~

July saw a new challenger to Roberto's dominance in the form of Guru Meditation. He didn't make too many inroads, and eventually teamed up with Big Bob to form the League of Illogicopedian Evildoers, led by the Hickipedia Vandal. To this day, the battle between good and evil rages as ?pedians fight to repel the various attacks of the LIE and anon IPs, no doubt sockpuppets of Bob and the Guru. Plans to issue administrators with paintball guns may be the way forward, though reports suggest the swines stole lab goggles. Maybe they’re smarter than we think.

Over at Wikia, things were starting to bubble under once more. Talk of a new skin was rife, and Uncyclopedia continued to feel the pinch as Jumbo Whales and Co. went into damage limitation mode. We wouldn't see Oasis, the eventual successor to New Monaco, until October, but concessions had to be made at Uncyclopedia as early as May, when the Almighty Overlords inflicted forced MySpace-esque social network and Web 2.0 nonsense upon poor Uncle Pete.

Illogicopedia saw a real revival during autumn, with a wave of new and returning users revitalising Recent Changes in the continued absence of the old guard. Those in question cite 'real life' as the reason, though as we all know this is no excuse as there is no such thing as real life. It's all been a lie, I tell you! To combat the overarching apathy, two new admins, the first for over a year, were appointed in December. It remains to be seen how successful this will be, though unless Illogic is completely downed we'll chalk up pretty much anything as a victory for team ?pedia.

As with Illogicopedia, Illogiblog experienced seasonal fluctuations in activity. The aforementioned revival, which began around October, coincided with a burst in posts focusing on such familiar subjects as Oasisgate and spam – lots of it. Oh, and not to forget your friend and mine, the omniscient Roberto, even if his grip began to weaken in the winter months as he instead opted to stay in bed and watch Jeremy Kyle. Maybe he couldn’t afford the bus fare to Canada to wreck the servers again.

There were also a surprising number of articles (actually two, but that's a lot by ?blog standards) on nature boy Bear Grylls, who reportedly died in November. ?pedia Shop started selling steaks branded 'Bear Grills' in his honour, though to date we’ve only managed to sell a grand total of three – the rest of the stock remains in my freezer along with Grylls' severed head. Don’t tell anyone, though. About the steaks, that is.

And so we finish the year on a high, with more people than ever passing through the gates of Illogiland. To be honest, most of these got lost looking for Uncyclopedia or unwittingly wandered in whilst searching for the Holy Grail. Despite this, we have high hopes for 2011. Who knows? Maybe this will be the year Illogicopedia achieves total world domination.

I'll be happy with just the assassination of Roberto, however.

Saturday 18 December 2010

2010: A Retrospective: Part One

Wow, that time of year already? Won't be long before we're all celebrating Christmas - less than a week now, in fact. You know what this means? Of course, it's time for another cacky retrospective you probably won't read! Well, I've written it all now, so you'll have to suffer through it.

~ ~ ~ ~

After a relative spurt over the 2009 Christmas Holidays, the New Year started off pretty slowly as it began to dawn upon us all that we'd have to wait a whole twelve months for more presents and mince pies and fun things like that. It did kind of suck, but not as much as the server problems that would blight Illogicopedia towards the end of January just when activity was beginning to return.

But out of dire disappointment came gallows humour when the nefarious misdoings of Roberto, the bloke responsible for all Illogicopedia's problems, came to light. Cue months of posts off the back of the Roberto error screens which became so well known in 2010, and even an April Fools joke that actually worked on some people. Perhaps.

When Illogicopedia returned in mid-February, it took some time to for normal service to resume, to the extent the whole month was something of a write-off. It was around this time that the old Editthis Illogicopedia was closed very quietly and in dignified fashion, a decent send off for a piece of Illogicopedian history. One and a half people attended the funeral. (The .5 of a person was the left half of a recently dismembered ?pedian, in case you're interested.)

March saw renewed hope as people actually bothered to edit Illogicopedia again. Talk of Roberto, however, continued as Wikipedia experienced its own suspicious server outages, and Illogicopedia itself suffered the odd bout of man flu, no thanks to our mysterious friend.

The wiki is no stranger to daft arguments over small things, and 2010 was no exception but hey, when nothing else is happening, it's all you can do. There was plenty of reference to toilet humour, particularly in Membergate, but we shall skim over that like a merchant banker chucks his credit cards across the lake. Yes, the Credit Crunch, which later morphed into a full-on economic recession, affected us all.

Illogico was kept in operation throughout May by Testistocles, who almost single handedly ran the wiki during this period. After a bout of IP vandalism (yawn), exam season loomed large like a tailgating ogre.

Save the odd frontal lobe, Illogicopedia would see us all through to summer intact, but not without a relatively painless series of cuts. Thankfully, the £3.60 Illogicopedia required to get out of the red and into the black was found outside a pub one Sunday morning, keeping the site afloat for a bit longer.

Tuesday 30 November 2010

Uncle Pete turns into crappy inside humorous website

“Oh I'm extremely gay.”
~ ChiefjusticeDS

Oh lord. Uncyclopedia featured an article about a USER? Wohooo, now my respect for that site took a deep dive, like the temperature did last days. Although I've always known that he's gay, I've just been shocked by the fact that Uncyclopedia ruined its prestige completely. Who the fuck cares about a depressed, über-frustrated, insignificant gay administrator? Dunno if even ED does such horrible things like that.

I'm citing:

"This justice, however, is precisely the problem. People do not like to conform, certainly not to the standards of what they perceive as 'others'. Entering a new environment, an individual will immediately apply its own preconceptions of what is 'good' and 'bad', subconsciously judging it for whatever is visible past the lens of these hamsters. He kills the hamsters, all of them, and so it will catalyse conflict, and due to his tendency to deal primarily with unregistered users and other newcomers, ChiefjusticeDS is invariably connected these conflicts; he will be both the one to begin them and the one to end them, and so he is hated, deplored, despised. Deleting articles, reverting vandals and banning users, this administrator, more than any other, has already attracted the worst sort of retribution and disdain from those with whom he interacts.

And you know what? He fully deserves it. Fuck him, I say.

Fuck ChiefjusticeDS. He is a horrible, terrible administrator. He is also gay and he smells bad, and to top it all off, he killed my hamster.

He killed my hamster."

Another t'ing: all information given on that page is true. Truth is not to be accepted on Uncyclopedia, or is it?

Sunday 28 November 2010

Car For Sale

1992 Peugeot 105. Black, used to be white. Had a registration at one point, license plate lost on weekend drive (on seabed).

Miles on clock: Unknown, the thing stopped working three years ago.

Details: One careful owner (Jeremy Clarkson). Only ever been in one accident (crushed by piano). Bodywork still intact (just about), wheels sometimes turn when forced. Small cigarette burn on carpet and slight sunroof damage but nothing unrepairable with a bit of sellotape.

Price: One packet of Maltesers O.N.O. Will accept PayPal or Minstrels.

Phone Alf Hart on 80081355 for more info or to purchase. Call today and quote whatthehellivejustbeenbloodyscammedagainmaureen to redeem steering wheel. Must utter whole word within one second and without stopping for air.

Friday 26 November 2010

Illogiblog 372nd Post Spectacular: More stupid spam

Hey, man. Why write blog posts when the spammers can do it for you? Well, I'm sure I'll live to regret that statement, but it seemed like a fun idea at the time, so here goes...
I want to demand how yearn a day do surf an internet a day? And what are you doing?
More to the point, what are you doing? Evidently not reading dictionaries. I may be wasting my time, but at least I'm aware of it, fool!
I come from itlay, i was fortunate to seek your website... thanks very much i will come every day
Is that a stick of rock in your pocket or are you pleased to see Illogiblog was finally updated, Mr Spammer Man?
Nice, Your will be the bestin the world!! - Lyric HILLARD
Is this Lyric Hillard person real? Well, I did a Google Search and it turns out he is not. A pity, because I think with that name he would have made a great butt surgeon. Hah, you thought I was going to mention hip hop then, didn't you?
I'm thrilled you took the time and said this! (Found on comments for Trees are the evil commie dictators now)
Now, now. There's no need to get sarky just because your blow-up wife threw you out of the garage for the third time this week. I suggest taking a drawing pin to her back when she isn't looking.

Best o't' Rest

Popular on the Illogiblog comments right now; indecipherable Russian text; "Coventry Salubriousness Governing" (whatever that's supposed to be); random mashings of the keyboard interspersed with the words "free porn" every couple of sentences; lots of Microsoft (or 'mcrosfot') related products from, like, five years ago; anything but actual, human comments.

Monday 15 November 2010

Roberto gets fat, is forced to eat beard

Aw man, how could I have missed this? If you've been wondering what happened to Roberto the last few months, then look no further than this video.

Apparently, in between sabotaging the Illogicopedia servers, our favourite non-existent troll has been gorging himself on cheeseburgers and making strange bets involving lawnmowers. In other words, exactly the sort of thing we'd expect from some jobless weirdo who spends his spare time bringing down small-time wikis.

Sunday 14 November 2010

Bear Grylls is dead!

Bear Grylls, world's most famous bush man is finally dead.
This Discovery celebrity and father of 3, who survived crocodiles, snakes and many other creatures and dangerous situations, has passed away. It should have happened when he had eaten rough penguin meat on an expedition in Antartica. By the global warming, penguins's bodies have become unnaturally disordered, and eating it without cooking it will cause a nasty intoxication, which you can die of in a few minutes.

Some speculators argue that he was poisoned by the cameraman, because that man was the only witness of the tragical accident. On the other hand investigators say that a possible murder is very unlikely, as the camera man was a very close friend.


Some fans say that Grylls is a fanatic animal lover and that he possibly did zoophilic actions with a penguin, whereafter he could have been infected by a lethal virus. However, a biopsy of Grylls body never showed a kind of STD in his blood.

(Photo: Grylls on a sunny Antartic day, nearly before the mischief)

Anti-Oasis Propaganda: Seems Wikia sucks more than ever

Well, just sixteen months ago we would have been glad to see the back of New Monaco, but beware, for Wikia has done the unthinkable and created something even worse, it would seem.

I'm sure you're all aware of Oasisgate by now. Incidentally, that's a bit of an inappropriate name for a Wikia skin isn't it? Well, I suppose the minute amount of content space is a relative island of calm in the sea of cacky ads in which you aren't the slightest bit interested, so you could say it's apt. I wouldn't, but hey.

Please enjoy this selection of satirical MSPaint jobs Wikia wouldn't want on their servers, courtesy the Wikia 'Community'. Click the pics for larger versions.

Cheers to Iamred1

Courtesy of Mrepic

From the mouse of Austin 8310

Wow, no wonder Wikia are now deleting all such images on sight, and this is just the tip of the iceberg. There's a load more of these here at the Anti-Wikia Alliance Wiki. Go there now if you wanna, or I suppose you could just sit there and twiddle your thumbs.

Saturday 13 November 2010

Things I learned about life from playing Super Mario Bros. games

Illogicopedia is, once again, down for maintenance or something, so here's a braindump and a half for you video game fanatics out there. What if Super Mario games were real life? (Well, you may get a slightly less horrible movie adaptation but the less said of that, the better.)

Yes, this idea has been done to death before and probably far better, but why go elsewhere when you can simply scroll down a bit? After all, you're here viewing this post right now. Visiting another website would waste precious time and effort clicking around!
  • You can ride around on a turtle shell as if it were a skateboard without it cracking under your 15 stone frame. Actually, I don't know how much Mario weighs but he is pretty fat, so those shells must be quite strong.
  • You can become 'super' by eating nothing but mushrooms. I wonder if that's how Superman really obtained his superpowers?
  • Plants grow in walls all the time, and can be disturbed simply by punching a nearby brick. I do not actually recommend you try this as it'll likely lead to a hospital visit, and we don't want another lawsuit on our hands, not after that incident in the park with a gherkin. More to the point, I have no idea why you'd want to waste your time making flowers come out of bricks.
  • Navigating dirty, smelly sewer pipes is relatively easy and will certainly not lead to long term illness. Maybe Mazza's years of plumbing experience have made him immune to disease.
  • Losing your cloth cap makes you more vulnerable to damage. Apparently the one Mario wears is bullet proof and protects him from all manner of attacks, including turtle spit.
  • Green mushrooms are not lethal, but will grant you another life. Wow, Mario games are teaching children dangerous lessons. We should slap an 18 rating on them.
Video game logic, you have to love it. Next time, Raul Moat's "If Halo Were Real Life" - Wait, It Isn't?

Friday 12 November 2010

The Anti Wikia Alliance: Growing in number day by day

In the interests of annoying the hell out of Nerd, I feel I must draw your attention to the existence of a relatively new wiki known as the Anti Wikia Alliance. As the title might suggest, it's a bit like the Complaint Wiki, which logs gripes and annoyances with Wikia Inc.

However, whereas CW is an archive of discussions on other wikis, it's expected that AWA will be a place to chat about all things that cheese you off about Wikia. Granted, the basic frame of the website is modelled on an 'Anti Wikia' discussion page at Wikia (who subsequently booted them from their servers), but with a bit of help it could actually garner some attention. Press attention, maybe.

So, if you're in the anti-Wikia camp, then I'm sure you'll find it all very good reading. To get your juices flowing, here's a taster of some of the stuff levelled at Wikia since the inception of their new skin last month, and here's a list of the latest wikis joining the mass pilgrimage to ShoutWiki.

Personally, I'm gonna monitor the situation and create an account there once the database is unlocked for public input. I intend to compile a list of links to my comments/posts on Wikia for reference and report my thoughts on the site once I've had some time to check it out more thoroughly.

Wednesday 10 November 2010

Illogi Classics - #27, You

Well, give me an enema and call me Mr. Squeaky Bum, if it isn't time for another foray into Illogicopedia's archives. I hope you appreciate this particular entry because, in preparation, I spent three years locked in a musty basement with just 3,000 ancient maps for both sustenance and company. I have no idea why.

You has (or should that be you have? Wish I'd listened in English at school now) a special place in Illogicopedian lore due to it being one of the first pages created at the Editthis ?pedia. Somewhat surprisingly, most, if not all content from the original revision back in February 2007 remains, and forms the bulk of the article's opening today.

Later additions embellished the article's already-established illogicality, with a rather humorous dictionary 'definition' courtesy the Suicidal Delinquents Wordbase. It's a book I own, and that's because I actually wrote it. It's five A4 pages long and typed in Comic Sans 16pt with triple line spacing and a nice picture of a smiling frog, which I drew in red ballpoint pen, on the front cover. If anyone wants to borrow it, drop me a line. No, seriously, I really need someone to talk to. *Gibber*

There is also a wonderful See Also section complete with throwaway joke, which is always good to see. Arguably the best version (pictured below, just in case you can't be bothered moving your mouse) of the article, however, comes courtesy of, and consists of simply "you suck teh ballz". Insightful stuff, I'm sure you'll agree.

Actually, the article is quite often vandalised, but was never touched by the likes of Avril Troll, the Hickipedia bloke or Testostereich in his more destructive days. Oh yeah, I went there.

You might not also be interested to know there's a whole category dedicated to you. Well, not you personally, unless you happen to be Testicles (wow, he got two mentions in two paragraphs, what's the world coming to?) or Seppy, who have special dispensation to circumvent already tenuous vanity policies. They are above the law, like Ronnie Biggs in a helicopter.

I know, that reference was crap, and an indication that it's about time I drew this post to a close. I'm now off to the Crystal Dome to see if Richard O'Brien still lives there.

Tuesday 9 November 2010

The Neverending Fight Against Stupid and Irrelevant Comments (NFASIC)

I thought I'd best bring to your attention my recent spam clearing exploits here at the Illogiblog. You see, those spambots have been brutally ravaging our innocent posts on the quiet, no thanks to Blogger's recent insistence on manual comment moderation.

Well it isn't quite that bad but I was surprised at the amount of spam building up, like a layer of mould on that Scotch egg you shoved to the back of the fridge and forgot all about until the smell was so powerful it'd be fatal to a small child. (Please don't call Social Services. I'm a good man, I swear!)

Comments ranged from blatant adverts for what seem to be incontinence pants, some pink things in a box to, erm, special offers on mutilated sheep or something. Hmm, these spammers are becoming increasingly masochistic.

Here's a few more examples:
Thank you for give very good informations. Your web is so coolI am impressed by the information that you have on this blog. It shows how well you understand this subject. Bookmarked this page, will come back for more. You, my friend, ROCK!
Well, thank you very much! I presume this message was for Tim Berners-Lee because I didn't invent the web, but I ain't about to turn down compliments, however misdirected. Chyeah!
Since matching for some time for just a proper read in regards to this kinda ecological niche.
What's this, automatic sentence generation?! We expect this sort of language abuse at Illogicopedia, but not here at the Illogiblog! Begone, vile shade!
The pre-eminent rise quest of loyal and convenient trim and medical dope and knowledge
You know you've made it when you're compared to over-the-counter medication. Which reminds me, I wonder what happened to my brain medicine...

Well, I hope you enjoyed this session of headbanging against ?blog's ever-growing Wall of Spam. It hasn't quite achieved Berlin Wall status yet, but at this rate it won't be long. BEWARE.

Monday 8 November 2010

Illogicopedia falls over, hurts knee

Well, I hope you're happy now, Roberto, you great bully. You've made me visit a site other than Illogicopedia for scientific, academic research. I have a mind to report you to the headmaster for your misdemeanours, and this time it won't just be a slap on the wrist. That's right, Bob. It's the irons for ye!

So as you might have been able to tell from this post's title, Illogicopedia has gone down and I wanted to contribute to the site in some manner. It's times like this I'm glad the Illogiblog is hosted on a different server so we can still rant on about nothing in particular to our hearts' content. Yay!

That's not to say we aren't grateful for the fantastic host we currently have. It's certainly better than many other, second-rate wikifarms out there on the Internet, not mentioning any names (*cough* Editthis *splutter*), and is ten times less restrictive. Double yay!

Anyway, here's some vaguely amusing content. Thanks to a working time machine, the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air was able to go back in time and open up a shop selling postcards in Wigan. Evidence for this can be found in the following newspaper clipping from some time in the past:

Right, that's enough of that. Phew, for a minute there, this post was in danger of becoming mildly

I'm off to varnish the cache server to see if that has any effect on ?pedia's functionality. I'll let you know if anything happens, but in the meantime, try not to spam too many forums with posts about fnurdles, ultimate shotguns and such like, because Illogicopedia will be back!*

* Not applicable if Illogicopedia returns. In that particular case, ignore the previous comment.

Saturday 6 November 2010

Illogico enters Indy 500

Well, not quite, but it has entered the top 500 largest wikis on the web. This isn't really a badge of honour or anything, not like being peed on by a donkey, but it does mean we're getting closer to our ultimate goal... usurping Uncyclopedia at its own game.

Yep, it seems many of us have been losing sight of this, taking their eyes from the caramel coated, slightly soggy prize which'll no doubt be put on eBay for £0.01 with free P&P once attained.

Never mind, though. Here are some wikis the English Illogico is larger than:
Only 13 million more articles to go until it's the largest wiki in the world. Woohoo! Cos as we all know, bigger is always better. Isn't that right, ladies?

Saturday 30 October 2010

Agh, my eyes!

What the hell has happened to Wikia? It looks like someone installed a default Joomla template and slightly modified it to look even worse. Naturally, the content (or at least, what passes for it anyway) suffers, and the place continues on a downward spiral that's eventually gonna make it a poor copypasta clone site nobody would visit if it were the last website on Earth.

Good job Illogicopedia jumped ship some time ago, eh? Anyway, I...

Visit StiltonWiki, the wiki all about the world's favourite cheese!

Whoa man, I dunno what happened there. I was just minding my own business and this rogue advertisement for some wiki you don't even care about popped up out of nowhere. As I was saying, it's a...

Shop at Next and get 10% off at Al's Fried Chicken!

The hell, man? Right, that's enough of this. I'm off to paint my left knee green and extract my wisdom teeth.

Thursday 30 September 2010

An Idea, Possibly a Good One

We should like ... have ... like ... a Halloween prank. Which should ... like ... be suggested by someone. Which should ... like ... maybe freak people out but maybe get them interested in the site somehow? Mail me with ideas at nerd42 at the big g mail dot com. It's Dot Com!

And while I'm at it, I might as well mention that today I wrote some articles for the first time in a loooong time, on a little known mental illness and an unarguably ill-fated apolitical grassroots movement.

Wednesday 22 September 2010

Journal of a bear griller... Deluxe

Yo, what's up, Illogicopedes? This particular yak has been taking an unannounced break from the stresses and strains of wiki life, and for that you are free to berate him until the bovines come home. Which they will never do, because I slaughtered them for sustenance on my Bear Grylls-style expedition into the unknown. By which I mean the Real World (gsap).

That's right: I grilled bears for lunch in the wilderness of deepest, darkest UKasia, a continent largely untouched by human civilisation. There were loads of strange monkey type beasts though. Huh, didn't say anything about them in the brochure...

Aside from the aforementioned adventures, I have taken to shouting profanities and the television screen and recording it so that generations to come may know the sheer aggression built up during an endless X Factor marathon whilst heavily juiced up on some 21st century mind-altering liquid. That's Coke, by the way.

Anyhow, to those that have joined since my absence, I extend you all a hearty welcome with this gut I sliced straight from some poor cow's insides. It's mighty tasty, trust me.

If you happen to be a vegetarian, I apologise for making you read all that. Until next time, marry a bear.

Tuesday 3 August 2010

Illogicopedia returns to full functionality

Congratulations to Carlb, the winner of this week's Super Saviour Award
(which isn't a real award, more some meaningless title I made up just now) for reviving VFF from the brink of internal combustion with his expert coding knowledge.

The DPL bug is now fixed and we can all go about our everyday wikilives just the same as we used to. Well, kind of. I've forgotten half of the wikicoding and have to make do with copy-pasting from Uncle Pete, but then haven't we always just done this, in reality?

Never mind about that for now though, for even though activity here at Illogico Towers currently ranks as average, with only the odd user popping in for an extra-strong cup of coffee (laced with paracetamol or similar over-the-counter drug), hopes for August are quite high.

The Illogicopedia spin-off, No Ammo, expects to triumphantly launch to a chorus of 'mehs' sometime before September, and talks are already underway to somehow transform Illogico into the social and economic powerhouse it once never was. Well, we can only hope.

More on these issues as and when my coffee arrives, which at this rate will probably be tomorrow afternoon.

Sunday 1 August 2010


ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Sunday 25 July 2010

Roberto returns, places blame on Conservarals

Illogicopedia continues to be plagued by strange DPL errors that can only be attributed to Roberto and that strange Guru Meditation bloke. But guess what? Apathy wins out, so nobody gives a monkey's unripe banana.

Big Rob (not to be confused with Huge Bob) has issued a statement shifting blame to the current government of the United Kingdom, claiming the loss of his latest job (goat herding in rural Cheshire) led him to even more nefarious acts akin to the sniping of the Hindenberg. And don't try and tell me that never happened, because it did. I saw it with my own three eyes and blood-tinted spectacles.

Yes, we've all been affected by the cuts, even the higher-ups here at Illogicopedia. Rumour has it that Silent Penguin has took to the streets with his didgeridoo in an attempt to fund the domain expenses.

Guru Meditation, on the other hand, continues to flourish in his role as official Wikipedia helpline operator at the Mumbai WikiCall Centre.
Why the heck do I want to talk to someone in another country about when the next bus is gonna arrive? -- Admins on Guru Meditation
Stupid politics. I'm going to watch Have I Got News for You before I consider voting again.

Thursday 15 July 2010

Teh YouTubez

Hey what's up guys? Just wanted to you that if you want to, you can subscribe to me on Youtube at

So, yeah. I upload Skate 3 stuff, Call of Duty stuff and I'm planning on getting an HD capture card and am going to do COMMENTARIES so you can hear my voice. I'll probably use my voice for something else before then but just wait, I'm gonna get like a million subs! Not really but I would appreciate if you were to subscribe. It would make me get off of my lazy ass and set up my non-HD capture card and record something OTHER than Skate 3. So yeah, if I see at least 3 Illogicopedians NEWLY subscribe, I'll make a new video of non-Skate 3 footage. So sorry, RFK, you don't count because you were subscribed beforehand.

There, I have successfully whored my Youtube channel out to the masses and I am proud. So yeah, guys, I would love if you would subscribe. Who knows, I could start doing commentaries before I even get an HD capture card. So later guys.

-- T3canolis

Monday 12 July 2010

Roberto Fights Back

Dun dun Dunnn

Database Error
A database query syntax error has occurred. This may indicate a bug in the software. The last attempted database query was:
(SQL query hidden)
from within function "SpecialRecentChanges::doMainQuery". Database returned error "1030: Got error 28 from storage engine (roberto)".

Roberto Has unleashed a vicious retort to the Almighty Guru, cannibalising the recent changes page. How will Guru respond, probably wisely and effectively, bringing anguish to literally a handful of people.

Sadly, this stuff doesn't write itself. Bugger off, it's four in the morning. I'm going to slip into some jammies, Toodlepip.

Sunday 11 July 2010


...the feck are those new red-link users? And why the hellk are they making huge random articles that link to Wikipedia? Also, where am I? Who am I? And why the feck am I chained up and wearing a thong?

Er, nevermind about that, let's just get this show on the road. Now, we have a few sneaky sneakers scoping around the site writing crap without bothering to make it look nice. Creating such articles as Wallace Intrubé, The Snickets and others, should these anons editors be considered subtle threats or a gleam of hope in a slow wiki? The creepers themselves:

1. Specsy1: A cheap chump who was the first to join. More than likely associated with following counterpart.
2. Sammy12345: Do I have a fan club? Copying the name. More than likely partner in crime of above.
3. Shitload of IP's: Mindless zombie henchmen of the two schemers above. Watch out for full on wiki domination by the cohorts.

Testes, Seppy: arm the banhammers: if these guys invade the forums you know what to do.

But the other obvious question lingers: What if they're just innocent bystanders, trying to write and have fun? Well, in that case, we make them snap into shape by throwing death threats to them on their talk pages. They need to learn how to link and make some userpages. And if they don't cooperate? Well, I already mentioned the solution one paragraph above.

But enough about me. Let's get into the fun stuff: The wiki is horribly inactive, no one is editing, blah blah blah . But, let's face it, these red link arseholes are the only ones giving the site some value. Maybe they're not evil schemers, but silent heroes? Ah, forget it. I need some more cocaine.

Wednesday 7 July 2010

A post shorter than the Italian national anthem, I promise

Welcome back to Crumpets Today, the quintessentially British babble fest guaranteed to annoy our North American readership. With me today I have professor Blurgle-Spitt of Madeupsville University, who will continue his thesis on falling off a cliff from where he left off last week.

Blurgle-Spitt: I shall begin by reading a short excerpt from my paper. Ahem. "I put it to you, sir, that your face looks like a baboon's arse."

Oh really, Mr Blurgle-Spitt, you German nancy boy? Well I put it to you that your underpants smell like a particularly stinky part of a recently discarded bag of chips.

Blurgle-Spitt: See that 'Roberto' fellow? That's you that is. That's you after a visit to the barber's. The best barber in London's West End, the one Hugh Grant goes to in between extended evening sessions. And not just the three hour ones, we're talking about nine looooong hours and a whole £256.75 worth of 'room service'.

Illogicopedian: Screw this, get to the 'your mum' jokes already!

...And now you know why I never go on IRC. With apologies to Newman and Baddiel.


A new villain on the block

Error 503 Service Unavailable

Service Unavailable

Guru Meditation:

XID: 426191007

Varnish cache server
It appears the dastardly Roberto now has a rival. A powerful enemy who will stop at nothing to make sure that the site is plunged into quiet thought and paint drying contests. The only person we have left to call on is Slightly Below Average Man. A man who makes tripping over his own feet a past-time. We are doomed.

Also, Sam is apparently a flaming homosexual.

soz dunc, for pushing your post down one.

Illogi Classics - #26, Our Gay Editor Friend RMSam

Liek OMG totally hawt, its that time of the month again darlings.

In keeping with the Illogiblog's long running series of unsung articles and users, today we focus on the undeniable gayness that makes up our longtime editor and prison bitch Readmesoon.

Gay as an episode of Desperate Housewives and a box of horse tranquillisers all rolled into a big gay ball, RMSam pranced onto Illogicopedia back in August 2008, quickly winning the site over with a series of articles which provided the reader with useful fashion tips and the fabulousness one could achieve just with some scissors, a trip to Primark, and a keg of industrial fashion lube.

RMS's contributions weren't just limited to articles either, a pinnacle moment in Illogicopedia's history came when Sam established the first of many gloryholes on the site's forum: revolutionizing loading times and descending Illogicopedia to the lowest levels of ED.

These days he doesn't do so much as he used to on Illogicopedia. The prolonged years of wearing skinny jeans has restricted him to a mobility scooter, and that's not mentioning all the AIDS.

In summary, Sam has a LOT of AIDS, and is gay bumsex roflcopter ololololol

Nay, I'm not gay

You read it here, I'm not gay! Shocking news via telegram. Man I really need to keep up with technology. Damn kerosene lamps, the always burn out.

Anyway, I'm trying to make a post, it is late and I have nothing good to tell you. What the hell am I supposed to do? /looks at Hindle's old rambles ah, I should randomly bumble British crap I don't understand. Alright, let's give it a shot: 'ot o' t' ot' ho! blargh blargh, tea and crumpets! pure genius! The critics are raving! "Raving mad" - Critic

Next off, time to list the accomplishment of my summer thus far:

1. Sitting around - Nothing better than getting fatter by not moving
2. Er, that's it

Damn, I hate summer! Also, about that image: I made it m'self, aren't you proud I have such good ideas as to make a chicken on lava doing wearing a space helmet doing an arab dance revolution? Man, Facebook sucks up my life.

This post is almost as layme as all of Testes' lazy attempts to keep the blog running. Gah.

Monday 5 July 2010

Illogibog 3 year Anniversary!!!

Hard to believe, but its been 3 years to the day since Seppy cracked the basin with his killer curry night special.

See the article here

Saturday 12 June 2010

The Illogico World Cup party

Join us tonight for a fantastic evening of World Cup related festivities. We've got items and foodstuffs representing each of the countries taking part in the 2010 competition over in South Africa, a bit like the Walkers World Cup of Flavours but a million times better. Walkers suck anyway.

Representing the Samba Men, we've got our own Brazillian nutsack Mr. Testicle-reich, who, quite confusingly, will be supporting British Antarctic Territory who don't actually have a team at these finals.

We've plenty of kiwi fruits to represent New Zealand, and a collection of inflatable scale models of Ayers Rock plus some Four X to keep the Aussies happy. There's also sushi (Japan), chilli (Chile, heheh) and pizza (Italy) to keep us placated when the cheeseburger (USA), fish 'n' chip (UK) and kebab (Greece) supplies have diminished.

Silent Penguin will be making his world renowned Danish bacon on toast, whilst Fluffalizer will be sobbing into his Swiss roll at the fact Sweden never made it to South Africa. They did qualify, actually, but got lost on the way from Stockholm when a bunch of nudists ran in front of the team coach.

So join us from 13 o clock yesterday evening for footy fun and frolics with the Illogicopedia administrators. We promise we won't give you a Chinese burn. Oh yeah, they didn't qualify either.

Friday 11 June 2010

Pull up a seat and break out the Nachos

At the time of writing I'm just 20 exciting minutes away from the first game in South Africa, and hence, the start of the World Cup. I just couldn't resist writing a blog post about it.

So here it is, an entire blog post dedicated to the 20ish minutes I've got before the World Cup starts.

First, lets see if there's any big news breaking over on the facebook feed, this is history we could be watching people!

It seems one mister Ben, indeed from this very site, dislikes the new world cup song. Surely such cutting social commentary will warrant an imediate and international response.


3 comments!!! You're heared it here first folks. It is merely a matter of time before the UN releases a statement. Lets see what else is going on.

"Blah Blah Blah I'm Anonymous statuses "Hurry up eastenders i wanna take my break!" How will they respond? What measures will be taken? Are we going to be seeing the long running soap taking up sprinting events in the 2012 Olympics? Or maybe the show will now play in fast foreward only, lasting 4 minutes and 34 seconds, instead of the frankly ponderous half hour it normally does? Anything could happen.

I think that's enough news for one day, err, 20ish minutes. Let's see what else is happening. Conditions here are dry, it may have rained earlier. The fridge is poorly equipped for the conditions, and it looks like I'll be forced to resort to the ancient skills of frying bacon if I want to scrub out a living in this desolate, well-broadbanded wasteland.

Let's just quickly check back on the news to see if there's been any update.. and there has! The EastEnders situation has now deteriorated into small scale flirting, err, I think. I'm getting reports in from the studio that .. mhmm, .. yes, ... yes, its been confirmed that the exchange is "quite lame". Stay with us as the story takes shape. No change with the World Cup song hate, methinks the powers that be are censoring all responses to try and contain such a sensitive issue. It'll be interesting to see how the press handles it. I'll be more than surprised if any of this is allowed to print.

Still 3 minutes to go, so time to quickly mention our sponsors for the day, - time, - 20 minutes. Yeah, anyway the sponsors! Please give a big hand to ... probably Illogicopedia.

Anyway that's all we, - I've got time for. Next time we'll be investigating my recurring schizophrenic beliefs that I'm a newsreporter.

Wednesday 9 June 2010

Illogicopedia unveils ''Painful Cuts''

That's right peep holes, the recession affects Illogicopedia too!

Due to a lack of budget, the admins are having to decide what bits of the website will receive the small amount of funding there is (four highlighters and a gummy 18th century two pence piece) and what bits will be left out to die.

The first sector to suffer is most likely to be the userbase, with tentative plans to scale the current community of around 6 down to an much rounder 1, namely a previously unknown user who goes by the name of Adtron. Adtron proposes we replace all page content with several huge pop-ups and a list of keywords people are liekly to search for on google. Or Bing. Wait, not Bing, Bing sucks.

It is likely that this alone won't raise the necessary £3.60 Illogicopedia needs to stay out the red, so other areas such as IllogiNews, IRC and the different language versions are all set to go as well. As many had anticipated, the construction of the Spartan Uber Laser, a £5oo billion project that would see our admins able to decimate an area the size of Belgium, has been ringfenced as a priority spending area. Illogicopedia spokesperson, Killface von Badhouse, had this to say on the matter:

"Well as you can expect, an integral part of a wiki like ours is witholding the ability to blow up Belgium. You just can't respectfully call yourself a nonsense and humour website these days without having 10,000,000 Belgians quiver whenever you push a button."

If you have any concerns the cuts may affect you Illogicopedia has its own dedicate helpline to provide friendly support and guidance. But that's getting cut too.

Wednesday 2 June 2010

Shit. I mean shoot.

Crap, that's right. The Uncyclopedians have raided once again. Looks like we're in for a long summer.

I'll admit, I'm slightly to blame. I was spilling out Illogicopedia's deepest darkest secrets to them over Skype. At that time, though, I had no idea Nate (Aka Electrified mocha chinchilla) was such a cocky, big headed chump. And, alas, he headed down to the wiki to become a sysop as he claimed to be "god".

In fact, he even nominated himself for IOTM, something often frowned upon.

Either way, Seppy made quick work of him over Skype, and he hasn't said anything since. Dexter111344, on the other hand, has been blabbing away--but he's been totally cool about it, not raiding the site with pointless flubble edits.
Silent Penguin removed Nate (emc) from this conversation.
So, sorry about that bums, I'll be a bit more astute on the internets next time.

Friday 28 May 2010

The Cats strike Back!

You may be aware of how my old sig stated I ate cats like ALF. Well, now the cats have ganged up! Look out!

Tuesday 25 May 2010

Illogicopedia article on Wikipedia successfuly restored

Wikipedia have finally reinstated their Illogicopedia article after deleting the article about us last year due to the wiki "Not being notable enough". I have been attempting to persuade numerous sysops on the wiki to reinstate the page for a while - and last week I got lucky. This could be a defining day in Illogian history - or not.

Now we are among the ranks of ED (oh god no), Wookiepedia (meh) and AID's in having our own article. Give you's selves a pat on the back, if that's your sort of thing.

Link is here.

Monday 24 May 2010

Feedjit: Now ten times more stalkertastic

Hey, guys. Wanna see my confectionery collection? It's tasty and cheap as chips... tastes like 'em too.

Okay, enough with the faux-creepy old man stereotypery, because now you can practice that right here on the Illoigblog thanks to Feedjit's new Stalkertron 3000 thingymujig!

Simply enter your bank account details, sort code, National Insurance number, bus pass ID and anything else you may have of value and, for a small* fee, you get complete** access to a bunch of wonderful free stuff like oxygen and carbon dioxide! And it costs nothing except your life!

Oh wait, I'm gonna have to stop this nonsense now because I have a strange feeling I've carted out this 'quip'*** hundreds of times before on this blog.

In related news, I believe Uncyclopedia is becoming ever-dodgier what with the creeping influence of social networking and MySpace-style megastalker technologies. Not that there's much wrong with that as such, but left in the hands of the wrong people it can be hastily implemented and, well, a bit crap really. I believe there's an implication there that I'll let your own brain fill in because I've done the dodgy bloke on street corner thing to death.

I'm now off to take Adrian Chiles' position on The One Show and take Christine Bleakley out for 'fish and chips'****.

* Read: humongous
** Read: restricted
*** Read: tired old joke that got boring in 4AD
**** Read: dumpster scrapings

Friday 21 May 2010

Ok, that's it

It's about time ?pedia takes over the world. Somebody needs to hack Google already.

Or if that's too much, at least MSN or Yahoo.

Next, we'll have to use subliminal messaging to turn the internet world into a zombie-like state.

And, step 6, activity rolls in to ?pedia.

Step 8, or something: Profit.

Glad to have a few moments with you all.

Thursday 20 May 2010

Axe To The Face

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. If that's true then every single one of them are somewhere on my arrest warrant.

I was going to do an update about what's happening on the site and whatever, but I thought this would be much more informative.

Tuesday 18 May 2010

Life on the Desert Island Pedia (Exam Time Blues)

What with exams (I presume) sapping all the life out the site, the admins have decided to relocate the servers to a small tropical island in the hope it'll help generate more edits.

The idea behind this is that inevitable shipwrecked castaways will wash up on the island, and with their box of Hungry Hungry Hippos soggy and useless from the crash they'll be forced to use the site as their one distraction from the approaching finality of death. Of course there is every chance they'll burn it down for fire. until they do here's a few mint articles related to exams you can distract yourself with, taken straight from the fridge in the garage:

where better to start than here? An exam that pushes your guesswork to its limit, I literally have no idea what this is about. Suffice to say, you won't pass.

An exam without rules is like a bus without the little gay signs that mean you have to give up your seat for old people - a lot more fun for everyone! Except old people, but they don't really take exams so we'll let this one slide.

The result of bringing your calculator lid into an exam. Also an article dedicated to the formerly available subject of death, including a detailed stab at vaguely explaining how the exam worked.

While not an exam related article, it does highlight the promising alternatives to the academic system.

If you have experienced any problems while reading this blog post consult your physician immediately. Side effects may include dizziness, headaches, itchy feet and delusions of grandeur. Brain medication is available for emergency cases, but only at extortionate prices, and only if your name is Hindleyite.

Monday 17 May 2010

The almighty TReich

The Illogicopedia bandwagon is still rolling in the continued absence of a particular slacker who's been rather lazy over the past month or so.

Never mind, though, because the testicular Testistocles (pictured right) is keeping the wheels turning on the Illogico machine which, despite the presence of copious amounts of rust that's built up over early May, is still just about functioning. It's alive, I tells ya!

Thankfully, everyone has just about shut up about the political situation that has blighted our lives over the past two weeks, and thank goodness for that. Just remember: in a year's time, everyone will have completely forgotten who Clegg, Cameron and Brown are as the machines will most likely have risen up and asserted their mighty authority by then, a bit like out of Terminator or Futurama except with a much lower level of wit and irony. Roberto will probably have to be conscripted or something.

In other news, the great Uncyclo-cull continues apace, or at least at a steady rate, as more and more Uncle Pete imports are hunted for sport. If you see one, you are free to shoot it with the firearm of your choice - I recommend a BB gun or, if you're a cheapskate, a water pistol. Actually, I reckon the latter would have more comical effects, so you'd better get the Supersoakers out in preparation for the watery cull!

I'm now off to pinch Levi Roots' recipe for Reggae Reggae Sauce and flog it to McDonald's for a billion quid, so until I dispatch of the Jamaican Mafia, sayonara.

Thursday 13 May 2010

The cake isn't a lie?

Sorry for the irrelevant or only extremely tangentially relevant link, but OMG WUT!?

oh yeah BTW i made

Wednesday 12 May 2010

Illogi Classics - #25, The Unshocking Events of Safety

So how about them articles eh? For the 25th time since its inception, the Illogiblog is proud to present its latest in a quarter century of classic articles. If there was an Illogicopedia Gold channel, this would probably be on it.

A work of awesome by none other than I forgot, this article could well be based on true life events. An anti-story, it regales the events of one fateful Dec. 13 where the protagonist Kim Williams, suffering from a headache, innocently leaves the house to buy medicine. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, nothing apparently. Having made his transaction the man returns to his home and watches some TV. The beauty of the article lies in its ability to turn this mundane activity into a good read, and maybe even something worth featuring. Cleverly written, this is the kind of article only I forgot could write.

I forgot, often unsung himself, has a knack for producing smart quirky articles such as this. His efforts have only achieved 5 features to date, but his many contributions had made the site a much much more readable place, and provided the random page button with loads of mint stuff to fall back on.

Sir, I salute you.

Saturday 8 May 2010

A Week After the Attack : A Reflection

It's been a couple hours less than a week since the vandal attack last week. It was rough. Rembrandt is a vandal-reverting machine officially. I mean, I can ghost shit and he was a hundred reverts faster than me. I don't know what goes through a vandal's head while he's blanking pages. I mean, I've vandalized Wikipedia numerous times but there's a different feeling when your changing things for the sake of comedy than when you're just deleting others' work.

Do you really have that much spare time to just delete delete delete? I find it sad that people can spend their Saturday night wasting it? I mean, he ruined many games of Modern Warfare 2 for me when I could have been pwnin' some noobs in the face but I had to say to my friends, "Damnit, there's a vandal on Illogicopedia, I'm gonna have to stop playing for a while.

So in short; fuck you, vandal. You have no life.

Tuesday 4 May 2010

Thoughts of the Week, #782 or something

Well, you could say its all quiet on the Western Front for Illogicopedia right now. But I wouldn't seeing as we're not a couple of swaggery blokey cocks discussing their failing sex lives after a Palace game.

It is fair to say however that Illogicopedia, like a stab victim forced to resort to sandpaper for band-aids, definitely IS going through a rough patch.

'Course there has been some activity, usual stuff though. Some articles were created and Hindleyite commented how much like cheese they were, the storm of occasional pink has again infected the recent changes page, and after a long wait we finally had another half-decent vandal. So far so normal. Yawn.

While tentative plans to make Illogicopedia into an invisible global conciousness alive in the hearts of the public do exist, these have been shelved while the admins work on updating their tans in Antarctica, courtesy of Seppy's mum. So for now this blog post, and the Illogiblog's vast fat reserves will have to do. Probably. Stay in school!

Friday 23 April 2010

Illogicopedia Goes 'Roberto' with Times New Roman

Whoa, now instead of disabling access to the website, Roberto has hacked the whole layout, too! The new release of the long awaited 'Roberto' skin includes:

  • Times New Roman default font
  • Navigation side bar moved inconveniently below all of the content
  • Inability to show thumbs around images
  • Lack of text wrapping around images
  • And much much more!

With this in mind, we should all switch immediately! I mean, the benefits are unlimited!

Well actually, they're not, but we'll just say they are to please the Roberto to prevent any further treachery to the site. Captain RMS McSuper, away!

A post made in part by ******** Me

Easter holidays ruled, what came after drooled. Yes, Illogicopedia is experiencing one of those activity fluctuations, but since it seems to go through them on a regular basis I suppose nobody cares too much. Still, it's nice to see a return to the amicable chatting and gentle, non-controversial article writing we had before Membergate, as nobody likes to call it.

Not that there's anything wrong with controversy, something I like to stoke up every now and then, like just now actually: X Factor sucx hell yah! Controversy would make the world turn round if we didn't have a complex system of gigantic cryptids to do that for us already. (God is actually a giant Bigfoot.)

So anyway, I'd best succumb to peer pressure and talk about the General Election or something. I have included a picture of Gordon Brown in this post.

There, with that out of the way, back to the Illogicality. Anyone been to Uncyclopedia recently? Last I heard it was devouring itself backside first. Blasted vandals, I ought to squirt them with my water pistol ray gun! Wikipedia ain't much different, according to form. Something about dodgy pictures or something. Oh, where have we seen that before? Ah, this is surely the work of Roberto!

Anyhow, must dash. The cryptids draw near, and they appear none too friendly.