Remember DOS batch files?

Verily Satan our Dark Lord shall be pissed off. Trick and treaters were forced to confound Him, the Beast, in his evil machinations since there was no electrical power on October 31.  Trick or treating was moved up a week to November 6.  No demons, no witches, no black sabbath... in a word, boring.

There was a three bean salad, which served as an introduction to existential angst. Linus Pauling was to be the first speaker, accompanied by the 59th Street Bridge Brass & Jello Ensemble playing Misty for me.  During the salad and soup course, a Dali llama was tied to the podium with hemp rope while Moroccan diesel mechanics threw M. C. Escher prints rolled up and filled with deviled ham at it. Rod Stewart throat sang the theme from Star Wars, his hair being pulled by matronly types with turbans and false beards.

Apropos of nothing, things started appearing out of nothingness, briefly, immeasurably becoming a thing, then winking out again.  Such is the way of things, that even a reptile can get a decent cup of coffee in this town.

Food that eats you

Maybe scarier than Jaws

So, I went to the Asian market the other day to buy some stuff.  A squirt gun to piss off my cats, some lottery tickets, a basketball and the old Fiat X 1/9 wheels in the window was on my shopping list.  Then I started thinking about food.

I like banjo music a lot, so I grabbed cans randomly in two different aisles.  Most of the stuff was vaguely fish-related, as were a couple of dozen bottles of assorted sauces and magical powders.

So, I get home and unpacked the groceries, separating things by likelihood that I would eat the contents.  Opening cans in order, three in, I came across this vaguely crocodilian face, snapping its jaws and trying to eat me. As excited as I am about an Extended Illogic Pickle, I feel that a reptile jumping from your food, trying to kill and eat you, would make a much more badassed award.  Just sayin'

Useless timewasting post ahoy!

ell well, it be me.

Or be it?

No actually, it be. Okay, I'm confused now. But anyway I'm back.
*cue dramatic music*

To celebrate this occasion let us sing "OMG" to the tune of "Beat It" by Michael Jackson (yeah, the dead one).

On second thought, let's not.

And now, as a part of randomly making fun of the way I set posts out, I am proud to present...

ATTACK OF THE ONE SENTENCE PARAGRAPHS!!!

"Well then" said Jenkins.

And then they all died.

Uhhuh uhhuh, thankyou very much.

People must want to KILL me sometimes.

Well, the title says it all.

Anyone that knows me in real life will agree, I bring a new meaning to "random". And "uber annoying".

This seems to be because of my obsession with all things extremely random. Every day, I have something new and completely logical to say. Not.

Every morning I emerge from my bedroom, looking really messed up (hey, I get tired like normal people you know) with something random to say. Sometimes it's something I made up, sometimes it's repeating something retarded I heard on Illogicopedia, sometimes it's strange news I saw on the BBC Worldwide news site at 4am that morning before I went to sleep.

Whatever way, I always have something stupid to say. Most of the time, it's a single word, such as bagel, bleh, heelloooo, neeeeeh or whatever. Random sentences, such as The bagel man is out to get you, are common too.

But it doesn't end with words. Sometimes I'll randomly come out from my room, doing something dumb, like the omelette man dance, walking into the wall and asking it to make me a sandwich, going up to one of our many pets and making weird faces in it's face, or replying to all questions with a stupid ?pedian word, such as flub nugget, eeble sonk, or anything like that.

To make a long story short, you don't want to know me in real life unless you are prepared to deal with the most idiotic, moronic, dumb, stupid and annoying person you'll ever hear, do NOT, by any means, attempt to approach me in any way, shape or form. The individuals (aka extremely tolerant friends) that do approach me are specially trained individuals who are taught to handle this kind of mentally unstable person.


Did I mention my voice is really annoying, whether I'm being random or not?

Featured website: Guffaw comics

Guffaw Comics is the work of resident scribbler one 'Huge Bob', also known as 'Huge' or 'Bob'. There, you will be able to view a selection of his excellent cartoons. Not much up there at the moment but still a few pleasant little drawings to peruse and 'guffaw' at. It's really mint: check out his attempt at a political cartoon (above)...

Go there now and sign the guestbook, cheeseballs!

Ooh, my microwave pizza is ready!

Muffins: Fact or Fiction?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you are all seated comfortably in soft computer chairs (rather than computer chairs covered in razorwire and something else sharp).

I have come to you tonight to discuss a very serious matter with you all. It has come to my attention that the muffin, previously believed to be a delicious, soft, fluffy, delightful snack, might not exist at all.

Perhaps they are a government conspiracy. Perhaps they are suicidal aliens who want to be eaten (and killed) -- so they disguised themselves as food. But you should be aware that the muffins in your kitchen may not be real items of food.

Illusions. Whisps of myth. Shadow. Scientists are searching for the elusive muffin now in forests and other places we didn't build so are angry at them. I hope someone gets a picture of one and dissects it. Camera lens.

Thank you for attending tonight's seminar on the existence of Muffins. Tomorrow, I will swallow a laptop computer while being flogged, burned and otherwise abused for your entertainment. Enter what?

Brought to you by THE. Originally from an Illogicopedia article.