Paronomasia

An assembled crowd of more than 1,000 roared in excitement as Singbad the Sailor launched his grand expedition into the unknown, braving killer whales, pirates and ship-munching sea dragons on a five-year-long epic expedition. It would be the journey to end all journeys, a fact-finding mission of monumental proportions, especially since it was mostly funded by a seedy underground starfish club. "Bring many back," they threatened, "or this trip may well be your last." I would have taken them seriously, too, for they possessed many a sharp object which could easily be inserted about one's person.

As SS Hammenegger left port, Singbad had a niggling feeling he had forgotten something. "Never mind," he said out loud to a bemused shipmate, "it can't have been that important." It later turned out to be his watch, the absence of which would ensure the trip lasted 75% longer than expected. Nevertheless, hopes were high for another successful expedition under the Great Singbad.

After two weeks, however, things took a turn for the worse as the Pacific conditions became highly uncomfortable, heavy rain and high winds rendering the ship almost impossible to keep under control.

"Maybe we should do something to appease the gods, perhaps offer a song of pleading," suggested Ballwash, that captain's right hand man. "Capital idea," responded Singbad, scrambling around his cabin for the guitar he had been saving for just this occasion.

All hands were hastily summoned to the captain's quarters for a mass sing-song. But as Singbad stroked the strings of his guitar, it immediately became evident from its unpleasant, discordant tones that the instrument was wildly out of tune.

"Not to worry, I have an idea," piped Ballwash, who immediately donned his swimming costume and jumped into the freezing waters below. Everyone looked on in awe as he emerged less than thirty seconds later holding a large fish which he proceeded to drag aboard.

"What on earth is this?" Singbad ventured as Ballwash handed over his catch. "I think it's fairly obvious," came the reply, "that it's a tuner fish."

And with that, Harry Yack was shot dead.

Hey Mr Taliban, hand over bin Laden or we will forcibly remove him

Illogiblog can exclusively reveal that Osama bin Laden was found after a tipoff from Illogicopedia. This page clearly states the man was hiding "in a council estate flat in El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciúncula, Burnley, Thailand, England. On top of a hill." Which, of course, turned out to be 100% accurate. Illogicopedia: working for the good of all men. And women. Except terrorists.

The house in which bin Laden has been staying for the last six years(?) was immediately put on the market and sold for over ten dollars. I know this because I bought the place and am currently reporting from a laptop I found lying around. It has a massive, N64 Goldeneye-style bullet hole in it but still works somehow, so who cares?

Bin Laden's death: Reaction

• Bin Laden's brother, Obama bin Laden, was somewhat pleased as it provided ample retribution for all the Chinese burns and wet willies he received through the years.
• Illogi Records Inc. have re-released the smash hit 'Hey Mr Taliban, Please Hand Over bin Laden' in celebration. Though Mr Taliban did not exactly hand him over and US forces had to flush him out (with assault rifles no doubt), they're still keen on cashing in. I mean, who wouldn't?

Uh oh, I fear the military men cometh! Now where's my water pistol?

Osama Bin Laden's Dead

So there's this old joke right.

Chelsie Clinton gets a crush on some military guys who just came back from Afghanistan. She's all like, "You guys look really tough. Is there anything you're afraid of??"

One of them responds, "Well, m'am, there's only three things the U.S. military is afraid of. Osama .... Obama ... and yo momma!!"