Sunday Super Spambot Summer Special

As I type, a great chunk of Illogicopedia's userbase will be enjoying their summer holidays, most likely kicking over sandcastles or standing on a beach in their overcoats. Spambots, however, never take a vacation. They're ever alert to the possibility of a quick scam, and will stop at nothing to let it be known that one can purchase bootleg copies of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Alcatraz, or the latest Apple iGadget you wouldn't even dream of buying.

I'll say one thing about the spammers, though. They do seem to love the Illogiblog, and why shouldn't they? Illogicopedia is the perfect website for a bunch of Engrish-babbling half-literates with shady ulterior motives. Er, that's not to accuse anybody of anything, of course.

"35. Magnificent web site. A lot of useful info here. I am sending it to several friends ans also sharing in delicious. And obviously, thanks for your sweat!" -- Online Computer Tradings

Hey, what did I tell you about saying stuff like that on a public forum? If you must know, readers, my top secret underground business flogging bottled sweat has so far been rather successful. By this, I mean the cops have yet to bust me. By the way, if anyone wants any, you know how to contact me...

"Hi,
Yes, really. So happens.
Truden" -- FRGPorn

What's this, a message from the Porn Bureau of the Federal Republic of Germany? Oh no, I've been transported back in time to the mid-80s, where the Berlin Wall still exists and people speak in cryptic verse! Hilfe!

"i conception this was a unreservedly great vocation to peruse. i’ll check favour for new posts by you." -- Roosevelt Dauzart

Coming from such an esteemed person as Roosevelt Dauzart, that's certainly high praise. Or at least, I think it is - this comment might be a job application, for all I know. Whatever the case, thanks for taking the time to leave a message on our blog, ya sad barstool!

"Please prison posting, I unqualifiedly fancy your penmanship." -- Leonia Noris

Ah, alliteration! Alter any aliens at an aquarium. Also, do you fancy my penmanship enough to marry me? No? Well, what if I buy one of your... wait, just what the heck is it you are trying to sell me here, prisons? Man, some of these spambots ought to take a good, long look in the mirror and ask themselves if they are in the right profession.

Shorties (comments to which I could not muster a half-witty response, not that any in the main section were that humorous, but anyway...)

• "Lover, this web site will be fabolous, i just enjoy it" -- Palemona (I'm not your lover, brother)
• "Companion, this fabulous website is undoubtedly fabolous, i merely think itrrrs great" -- Cieszyrad (AKA Tony the Tiger, clearly a 'close friend' of Palemona)
• "hey, your website is excellent. Me appreciate your do the job" -- Zbygniew (Evidently a caveman from a Hannah Barbera cartoon)
• "Racing with car racing games is thrill-filled and gives the real life experience of how it is like" -- One (Erm, no it isn't. I wouldn't use Gran Turismo as a driving test aid. Look where it got me.)
• "Find all that is about News is important." -- Barnard Lindinha (Not always. I find current affairs stand-up comedians relatively unimportant.)
  

That's enough for now, because I get the feeling from the look on your face that you need to go and do something important, like make your dinner.

Thoughts of the 168 Hours: Back for its fourth year

You may ask why the Thoughts of the Week section still exists, and it's a question I wouldn't be able to answer. It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea; why do only fools and horses work?

"I couldn’t have asked for an even better blog. You’re available to present excellent assistance, going straight away to the point for straightforward understanding of your visitors. You’re truly a terrific expert in this subject. Thanks a lot for currently being there human beings like me."

It's comments like this that almost make it all worth it. Forget the fact they are generic, bot-constructed translation abominations --except in this case, grammar and spelling is of a high standard, relatively speaking of course-- they are still valid comments. Besides, we've gotta grab praise where we can as it's hard to come by in this day and age.

Despite the absence of the 'old guard' (read: dinodudes), Illogicopedia continues to tick over thanks to the excellent efforts of Athyria and some dedicated new blood. The Bertster managed to grab himself an accolade in a close race to the February Illogicopedian of the Month, ensuring Nerd will have to wait another 30 days (or a bit less now, whatever) to try again. Hey, it's been more than four years, I'm sure he's patient enough to wait another month.

Elsewhere, Illogico's been boringly reliable of late, with no server outages etc. to moan about. Suppose we should be thankful for that, but without drama we are but automatons. Not really, but it would be cool if something big happened, like Illogicopedia appearing on national television. We should all write to the major news channels and ask for an interview.

Anyway, here's the thought for the week: what happened to Captain Birdseye? Is he really dead? I hope not, I couldn't live without my beloved fish cakes.

The Deadly Ghost of Spellchecking

He's at your school. He's at your place of work. Heck, he's even probably in your home right now. No, it isn't Santa Claus drunk again, or even some coked-up door-to-door salesman... it's far more serious than that. It's the Deadly Ghost of Spellchecking.

And this ain't no regular, plate-chucking poltergeist we're talking about here. The worst part about it is that, unlike Bcbkye, the children's entertainer that escaped from the mutant circus, it's always there - an omnipresent (non?)entity that will harm your self esteem more than a 12-year-old YouTube troll on a sugar rush.

This bothersome phantom will pressure you into producing perfectly formed sentence structure and attempt to force upon you its sentiments. "Think of how much better the world would be if all this "Ow RU doin?" and "B bak l8r" nonsense were eradicated... no more illiteracy in society, more esteemed authors and article writers that don't rely on fatuous gimmicks to pull in readers." (Cough, don't for one moment think there's an ounce of hypocrisy in the previous statement...)

Agh, no! I have already been affected by its presence, for I find myself constantly correcting the spelling errors in this very post. Errors in speelling and gramour that would get me thrown out of Cambridge with but a pencil and a used condom to my name (well, you don't want to know what they really get up to there, do you? Thought not! Anyway, I digress). I have to remind myself that this post is hardly likely to be read by the Head of Languages at Oxbridge, and much more likely to entertain some kid with a chewing gum addiction.

But that's exactly the point, who cares about spelling when the readers themselves give not a snot about my inaccurate, sorry excuse for a dead pigeon that I call English? I could be illiterate, or worse, a tax collector using money as construction paper for all they care. As long as the general point is conveyed, job done and give me my five pounds. That is, if it isn't made into an origami swan first...

So this ghost should not be a burden upon my (granted, sesame seed sized) intellect, there are plenty of other pretentious dung beetles that will do that for me. That, and the fact I called the Ghostbusters and they rid my house of all such supernatural beings!

Oh yeah, and 'of' in the title should be capitalised. Or should it?!

Help, Mummy I'm scared...

This post has subsequently been serialised in, erm, one Illogicopedia article. Cool beans eh?