We are gathered here today to celebrate the life and times of the relevance to press coverage pertaining to the demise of Michael Jackson.
The press saturation, or 'Media "McCoverage" Deadson' as we came to know him, lived among us only briefly, yet in that short time he brought us both great joy, and great bullshit.
Media was born on an otherwise unremarkable night, in the relatively unknown maternity ward of TMZ.com. The beautiful baby weighed in at 8 lbs, and 5 bajillion hits. A remarkably loud baby it's crying quickly consumed the hospital, and soon after sky news.
To many reporters and journalists this was the baby their religion had long awaited for, the Messiah child that would lead them from desperately scraping together an existence reporting stories about the Pope's mega condom to the promised land where stories were plenty, and comparisons to Princess Diana flowed organically from Rupert Murdoch's golden throne. A paradise realm where papers would be given divine direction to report of Michael Jackson for many months to come.
Whether or not they're right, within hours of Media entering the world he was seized by greedy Murdoch-fearing journalists, and sacrified on the altars of repetition. Despite being a relatively risk-free procedure, with each reincarnation of the captive Media a little bit of relevance was lost.
But this was of no consequence to the journalists, the world had literally stopped moving, people had stopped being born and dying, to gaze at the quickly spreading Media clones. And for a while, say a week, it worked, the stories were interesting, and progressively more and more hermits were being culturally enlightened. This peaked on MJ's funeral when so popular was Media that his facebook friend's list literally exploded, fuelling obligatory "and in other news" segments for newsreaders everywhere.
But now Media was old news, he'd been around for almost a month, he had rickets and pneumonia was begniing to set in. But still the exploitation didn't stop. Reports of the big M's continued carcassing kept coming, the press's laziness ever increasing as the point of Media grew weaker and weaker. On the 10 of July, 2009 he was admitted to hospital, with heart problems.
Despite ever-increasing doses of unreality the poor little coverage couldn't shake off his ailment and all relevance it had died of a cardiac arrest later that afternoon, surrounded by it's family. The post mortem concluded parody was an underlying health factor.
The funeral's next Friday. Meet outside Tescos at 4, Mariah Carey won't be singing. Thank God.