Another year of lull has transpired across the time/space matrices of Illogicopedia, and the Pope couldn't be more pleased. The Alpaca Rendezvous Project was a raging success, having raised the collective consciousness of both Uzbekistan and Hoboken, New Jersey.  A gaggle of prigs was installed into the gaps between keystone number 8, and is almost paid for.

It has been determined by the ruling cabal that the crux of the biscuit is the apostrophe. It's not an original thought, but the truth is impossible to ignore. For the first time, biscuit appropriations were sourced to an international committee. Phrased another way, the crux was committed, straight jacket and all. The 911 call that initiated the decruxing was traced to an albino Elvis impersonator who eats Teflon.

The momentum pulled along a variegated melange of role playing games, rhapsodic headbangers, beetles, aquatic mammals, hyenas, faux lesbians and their Republican entourages, rocky road ice cream, polecats and medical supplies.

Ugh. Yet another list. It certainly can get tiresome, as lists accumulate into grommet piles like scum from the underside of inner city sewer grates. As we spin and revolve around Sol, undetected alien presences insinuate themselves into our societies. Their reptilian stamps are on nannies and political consultants alike.

So, our advice to you is to investigate these conspiracies for yourselves, and write articles related to your experiences for submission to Illogicopedia. The act can be liberating, and will certainly lead to mental aberrations.

Lather, rinse, repeat. Repeat.

Presenting the illusion of activity by changing stuff on the main page

Moving the house cats to the new server proved to be rather easy. The hyenas proved to be more of a problem.

First of all, they were all blazing rather brightly when it came time to move them. Then a couple of interns made the mistake of dousing them with water. The resultant conflagration quickly swept the downtown area, and all of our hyenas were charged with arson.

Naturally, the French were upset, and demanded immediate action. They even offered to send troops and hyenatarian aid. We had to refuse. Illogicopedia cannot appear to be aligned with any causes or national interests for the sake of decorum. Our pleas fell on deaf ears, our rhinos fell on some scary looking lady brandishing golf tees. She was snarling when it knocked the wind out of her.

Speaking of which, have you found your socks yet?

THIS IS NOT A JOKE: Illogicopedia has moved

You may recall our original announcement back in August of 2012 where Lyrithya cc'd us her Dear John letter to Carlb, announcing that Illogicopedia wanted a divorce and that he could keep the house because they were moving out...

Well, it's only a scant 14 months later—a mere fortnight by the bureaucratic calendar—but it's really happened!

[ Read more ]

Foundation welcomes first regular user

Today the Illogicomedia Foundation would like to recognize a first in our history: a registered user that visits regularly.

While we get thousands of hits for each new article we publish, our traffic is almost entirely comprised of anonymous IPs. So, while many are curious to read our latest policies or news updates, only a scant few... well, one user, has the courage to do it while logged in...

[ Read more ]

Illogicomedia has moved!

I just wanted to mention that today, July 2, 2013, we changed web host providers.

That's it. It was that simple.

No letters to the powers that be (that'd be me). No public consultation period. No whining and whingeing in protracted debate. No system message on the wiki broadcasting fart and wide that even the admins don't even know what's really going on from week to week.

I made a decision. Boom. End of story.

Uh, it's real live here. God damn playa. I love being a dictatah!

UPDATE: We're moving. Changing servers. Really. We mean it this time.

This just in from our dedicated personnel at the Illogicopedia Relocation Committee (IRC), when asked for an update on our move:

[#illogiocopedia and that story of Rasputin's penis having a wart on it
perfectly positioned to make women wet.] 

[16:31] == NotTheBard [whoop-dee-d00@gateway/web/freenode/ip.68.71.52.214]
has joined #Illogicopedia 
[16:31] -ChanServ- [#Illogicopedia] Welcome to the official IRC channel of 
http://illogicopedia.org/
- also check out our blog http://blog.illogicopedia.org/ 
- vauge undefined channel rules: play nice with the other kids and we won't
have to electrocute you by sending lightning through the Internet to blow up
your computer because you KNOW we can do it and we will too.

 <NotTheBard> So... the move. Is it happening? Soon? Ever?
 <csr> Yes, Illogicopedia is moving. Of course it's true!  Why would we
 stay?
 <csr> There's absolutely no reason to.  
 <csr> Carl replied to our emails and everything, so we can't blame him
 anymore. 
 <csr> This is it. We're going. Period.
 <NotTheBard> lol
 <csr> Go ahead and laugh. It just proves you don't understand us.  
 <csr> Illogicopedia isn't supposed to be funny, not even by accident.
 <csr> But get this straight: we are moving.
 <NotTheBard> ok
 <csr> It'll happen. We're almost at the end of the month. 
 <csr> Rent on the new place is due in a couple of days, and we fully
 intend to move in.
 <NotTheBard> OK OK. I believe you.
 <csr> There's no looking back now. No hesistation, no cancellation,
 no excuses.
 <NotTheBard> OK!  Good. Happy. Pleased. Excited.
 <csr> Just you wait.

[16:33] == NotTheBard [whoop-dee-d00@gateway/web/freenode/ip.68.71.52.214]
has left #Illogicopedia 

Sounds legit, although as of now ?pedia is still hosted in beautiful, natural Canada on Carat Networks Inc.  I guess we'll know if we're really moving in a couple of days...

Or not.

Illogicopedia Moving Sale - Final Clearance - Everything Must Go

It's that time at last. Having survived numerous tear-jerking, all-nighters sitting up with Carl B to divide the MP3 collection and negotiate shared custody of the chihuahua, ?pedia is moving out at long last.

The only things that remain are those items that were too emotionally painful (or too worthless) for either party to pack. A mess for us, but bargains aplenty for you. Check out the inventory (updated while supplies last)!

[Read more]

Illogicopedia's new host? Uncyclopedia.co.

If there's an advantage to having your own Foundation, it's being the first to hear of backchannel developments.  While I've yet to convince anyone to openly join me in writing any satirical commentary on the IF HQ (apparently it's unusual to use your soapbox to say unflattering things about your own stable),  I've been fortunate enough to receive story suggestions and tips, such as the following.

The fallout of the wikiwide unrest that led to Uncyclopedia splitting away from their Wikia overlords has led to a partnership of sorts.  Not a unification or merging of the two projects, certainly—their mandates continue to remain separate and distinct but apparently the two sides aren't so far divided as to refuse to share server space on the same webhost...

[Read more]

Mars Cadbury Electicated Adminz

Last Thursday, the unthinkable happened. A bulbous, flightless bird waddled into the centre of Illogicopedia, waved his magic banhammer, and turned a candybar into a  Werewolf. 

It couldn't have happened to a nicer confection. We/I wish him/them all the best, and hope that he/it proves just as useful to them/them as he/it (she?) did as an admin to us/me, back when The Illogicomedia Foundation website site still ran on MediaWiki.

Oh, and a very happy 18th birthday, Daniel.

Where Are They Now? #1 - The Chipmunk Chef

No figure was quite as prominent in early Illogicopedian history as the infamous chipmunk chef. Yet he remains elusive - nobody knows his name or current whereabouts, his favourite board game or brand of washing up liquid. He has only ever appeared online in two episodes of the Illogicast - once as a stand-in for Kerguelenese stuff you stick in yer mouth correspondent Gordon Ramsay, and once to drunkenly butcher a reading of the news.

Not unlike the Keyboard Hamster, the chipmunk's star shone brightly for all too short a time. Did he elope to warmer climes? Certainly, a great insistence on modifying his moniker from the French to the European Chipmunk Chef suggests a change of abode, or perhaps that his voice actor is terrible at sticking to any one particular accent but his own.

Could he be dead? Diners at his restaurant in Nancy would often meet gristly ends shortly after consuming his 2 Euro 'Meat Thy Maker' raw steak special - did he accidentally swallow one of his own poisonous creations? Or maybe he wandered too far into the forest one day? Certainly, woodland residents do not take too kindly to boisterous, gluttonous ex-Illogicopedians, so they may have speared him with a particularly sharp stick before feeding him to the crocogators.

One would hope not. Come back, chef!

Thoughts of the Decade (07 February 2013)

*Snores*

Oh, huh, wha? *Snorts*

What, why'd you wake me up there? I was quite happily enjoying an eight-month-long snooze and you just had to wake me up for no reason!

Wait, Illogicopedia may be moving servers, you say? Well why didn't you tell me?! Get the Thermos and sandwiches, Jeeveston, for it is time to go bogtrotting! Now where's me wellies?

*Adjusts tie, clears throat*

So how the devil have you all been? I've, erm, been off fighting that Roberto fella for the best part of a year but now I'm back, for the time being at least. Hey, I owe it you guys to help out, don't I? I'll find the keys to my Ford Transit after this post, so get your stuff together. Can only fit a few things in though, got a license for vehicles up to 25kg - more than a couple of portable tellies will take it over the limit.

Nope, your pinball table is too big. I can smash it up a bit to squeeze in for you, however.

Great to see Uncyclopedia going independent again, if only to witness the drama that ensues when the old, Wikia Uncyc is run in direct competition to the fresh fork. Mmm, fresh fork... want anything from the chippy while I'm going?

Yes, you can tell from the way I keep drifting off-topic that I am a bit out of practice. Thankfully, Illogico has allowed me to play keyboards for this tour on a session musician's wage - that's two cigarettes and half a Toffee Crisp, by the way. Magic!

Word of the week: Glomp
Obscure Pacific country of the week: Tuvalu
Old crisp of the week: Thingies (tomato flavour)

Kamelopedia!

Guten tag, meine freunde.

Following a nice discussion with the guys at Kamelopedia, I am pleased to announce that we have finally found our German sister. Both wikis now recognise each other as foreign language counterparts, and hopefully we can also break through the translation barrier and share some material. This follows on from a discussion on ?Pedia from a couple of years back about the possibility of creating a link with an existing German-language humour wiki, rather than setting up our own. 

Kamelopedia, like Illogicopedia, are loosely affiliated with the Uncyclomedia project. They're similar to us, except they've been going for three years longer, have 4000 more articles and have an obsession with Camels instead of Bananas. Maybe there are some things we can learn from them...

Anyway, if you can, pop over and say 'hallo'. Try not to embarrass yourself, like I did, by using an unholy mix of Google translate and basic German learnt in school (choose one or the other, I'd suggest).

Onwards and sidewards!

Moving in the 'write' direction

Hi, Ben again. Yep, that rhymed. 

After Readmesoon, Frosty and I had a collective epiphany about the current state of the wiki, some things are happening. You read that right. Things.


First of all, i've posted up some ideas for what we can do to add a bit of spice to Illogicopedia once again. These include possible redesigns to the logo and/or Main Page, attracting new users and roping back old ones. Don't be afraid of the walls of text, take a look!

Secondly, the maestro that is Frosty has got the ball rolling on the third Illogicopedian Article Improvement Drive. Some of you may remember the first two; this time we're focusing on the shortest articles on the wiki. I urge you, like a cow urges milk, to contribute to this lovely project.

I'm also going to plug my proposal on the future of Logimalpédie once again, in hope that an admin reads it.

Apologies for the godawful pun (if you can call it that) in the title.

Thanks for reading.

NEWSFLASH: User abuses blog-posting priveleges

Hi, Ben here. That's right, i'm breaking the chain of Gruntled's quite intriguing blog posts to attempt to draw some attention to my proposal on the future of one of our foreign-language wikis.

Yawn.

Anyway, that's all. Have a good day. Or night. Take your pick.

Huh? I slept through the last apocalypse

The weather wasn't bad on the surface, last December twenty first. It's the damned high humidity that seemed to zero in on my back pain. I recall that day very clearly, in that I recall that I slept during most of that day. I'd completely forgotten that it was then end of the world. Even when some odd folks claiming to be some sort of Christians put this Horsemen Crossing sign ten feet from my house. You'd think after having to see that thing for months, I'd have remembered the big day.

I think the problem is that the Mayans, who predicted the end of the world as a recreational sport, and the Christians, didn't put their heads together on this one. As far as I'm concerned, I'd have likely been smitten or whatever in my sleep.

Anyway, I still have that sign to look at.

Secondary effects of blogging on Christmas day

Exposure to insipid holiday cartoons can be the most hazardous side effect of committing font to display today. Otherwise, the dog is pretty content. Santa gave her four gigantic chewing outlets. Three are made of combinations of rawhide and some meat-like substance reminiscent of Snausages. The last is an honest to goodness thighbone of some unfortunate stock animal, treated with radiation or petrochemicals to preserve it, I guess. It's got a meaty kind of coating on it, and smells vile. Perfect for a dog.

One of my gifts was a great knife to threaten roving Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses and Evangelicals who dare to tread on my porch.

So, today commemorates the day Jesus changed the fishes into wine, and the bears into beer. The foundation of two thousand years of theological haggling and that's the best we could come up with. I feel, being fresh into a new millennium and all, that maybe some things ought to change. For one thing, all liturgical music should be replaced with songs by Bachman Turner Overdrive. I'm thinking, Taking Care of Business during communion, and You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet for Easter celebrations.

Suffering from post-Olympics letdown?

I'm a huge fan of violent sports, and organized child abuse has always been my favorite genre. My two boys will tell you, I specialized in haymakers and kidney punches, and I did it with relish.

Not since the 400 meter downhill spouse beating event of 1965 have I been this excited about a new way to inflict pain competitively. MMATP (Mixed martial arts toddler pummeling) is just the sort of thing I can get behind.

Won't you join us in promoting good, clean family fun?

Revisionist History

It's December 19, 2012.  I was deeply concerned that no-one had blogged in the month of November.  No one.  Not once.

And so I wrote this.

And backdated it to November.

Wipe that look of horror off your pudding face.  They do worse things on Wall Street every day.

Oooh. Another sin.

Cross-posted from Frunobublog

Poor Frunobulax (the dog) and Boudica, Keyboard, Mouse and Ariel (the cats) are in need of flea treatment. Laxxie tells me that the pic here reminds her of how it feels in between petulant scratching. I gave her some benedryl, and have some oxycodone to take for myself when I give her a bath tomorrow night. Then the whole pack gets a FrontLine Plus treatment.

So, as I was looking around for best prices, I found a post in some other google blog. Scrolling along, I find that I can easily link to this content in Frunobublog. As usual, I was paying half-assed attention and linked it to this blog instead.

So, here we are, with me explaining this stuff to you, posting what might possibly be among the most great logical items here.

This post (Comin' Home: How to Save 75% on Flea Medicine with a Bulk Kit) pointed me here (http://www.luvmypetssupplystore.com/). It seems that I might save a butt load of money on flea and tick treatment.

What it is, and how you can get it

Having a doctorate in Applied Kinesiology and Literal Interpratation of the Bible came in handy for the situation at Illogicopedia, as it stands today. Blinkered, Philistine pig-ignorance having saturated our planet, writers of what can only be termed a silly gaggle of half-wits, miscreants, welshers and pragmatists have been seemingly on strike. The question on the President's mind, of course, is, "What's all this, then?"

Well, I'll tell you what's all this, then, right now. What it is is, the y the -izm that izm zimizm. Now before you protest, or call out to God or Satan, or whatever sky gods there be, I allow myself this vanity because... well, hell, I'm the only one here.

By the way, whoever was here before me left the coffee maker on, and now we've got a charred break room. We'll have to bring in our own beverages and make do for storage. Management will reimburse you one of those little refrigerators for under your desks, if you so choose. Otherwise, never mind.

If you've endured the drivel thus far, then... well, you have time to write something for ?pedia. I'm not saying you should, just that it's possible. Possible... pos...i...bull... interesting word... anyway, time for me to piss off.