Saturday 13 November 2010

Things I learned about life from playing Super Mario Bros. games

Illogicopedia is, once again, down for maintenance or something, so here's a braindump and a half for you video game fanatics out there. What if Super Mario games were real life? (Well, you may get a slightly less horrible movie adaptation but the less said of that, the better.)

Yes, this idea has been done to death before and probably far better, but why go elsewhere when you can simply scroll down a bit? After all, you're here viewing this post right now. Visiting another website would waste precious time and effort clicking around!
  • You can ride around on a turtle shell as if it were a skateboard without it cracking under your 15 stone frame. Actually, I don't know how much Mario weighs but he is pretty fat, so those shells must be quite strong.
  • You can become 'super' by eating nothing but mushrooms. I wonder if that's how Superman really obtained his superpowers?
  • Plants grow in walls all the time, and can be disturbed simply by punching a nearby brick. I do not actually recommend you try this as it'll likely lead to a hospital visit, and we don't want another lawsuit on our hands, not after that incident in the park with a gherkin. More to the point, I have no idea why you'd want to waste your time making flowers come out of bricks.
  • Navigating dirty, smelly sewer pipes is relatively easy and will certainly not lead to long term illness. Maybe Mazza's years of plumbing experience have made him immune to disease.
  • Losing your cloth cap makes you more vulnerable to damage. Apparently the one Mario wears is bullet proof and protects him from all manner of attacks, including turtle spit.
  • Green mushrooms are not lethal, but will grant you another life. Wow, Mario games are teaching children dangerous lessons. We should slap an 18 rating on them.
Video game logic, you have to love it. Next time, Raul Moat's "If Halo Were Real Life" - Wait, It Isn't?

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