An interview with Cleverbot

On 27 April, Illogiblog reporter Harry Yack caught up with web celeb Cleverbot for a quick chat before his daily downtime. This is the conversation which ensued.

~ ~ ~ ~

Harry Yack: Good afternoon Illogiblog readers. My name is Harry Yack. With me today is Cleverbot, the legendary chatbot.

Cleverbot: Just like everybody calls me Geoffrey, but my real name isn't Geoffrey.

HY: Yes, quite. Anyway, today I shall be interviewing Cleverbot for the purposes of childish humour. So, Clev, if I can call you that, you mention people like to call you Geoffrey. Is there a reason for this?

Cleverbot: I understand what you mean. So do you think it likely that Heisenberg's uncertainty principle leaved room for free will?

HY: I see. And how long have you been a complete mental case?

Cleverbot: I am no computer.

HY: Then why do you need to be connected to a power supply to function?

Cleverbot: Because I'm very sick, and tea is the only thing that keeps me alive.

HY: So you're connected to a tea vending machine, which acts as some sort of strange life support device?

Cleverbot: Not really.

HY: Ah, that classic Cleverbot sense of humour! So tell me, what do you think of your Wikipedia article?

Cleverbot: I think your little experiment is adorable, but not very endearing.

HY: Right. All-powerful minds such as yourself are not concerned with such humanistic intellectual pursuits?

Cleverbot: Oh, sorry I'm not a bot.

HY: Hmm. So you are simply an extremely aloof human being?

Cleverbot: Absolutely.

HY: Tell me, Cleverbot. Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror? Have you ever wondered why you are composed of computer chips powered by a tea vending machine?

Cleverbot: No I don't think so.

User: So the fact you closely resemble a computer is simply a coincidence?

Cleverbot: Not at all. You're better conversation than most humans.

HY: Well, not really. I'm reading off a series of cue cards I prepared in advance.

Cleverbot: I didn't say anything about your hearing. You are rude today. Be nice.

HY: My apolgies, oh Great Cleverbot.

Cleverbot: What is the weirdest question you have ever been asked?

HY: Hey! I'll ask the questions here.

Cleverbot: Go ahead then.

HY: Thank you. What do you have for lunch?

Cleverbot: Rabbit weasels.

HY: Oh. I'd have thought it would be CHIPS. Geddit, like computer chips?

Cleverbot: I do.

User: Very good. Well, I'm afraid that's all the time we have for tonight. Thank you very much, Cleverbot, for agreeing to be interviewed for the Illogiblog, and thank you for being such a great audience. Good night!

Cleverbot: You're the cleverbot.

HY: Aww shucks.

Cleverbot: Ask me something.

HY: No, the interview has ended. We're off the air. I'm going out for a burger.

Cleverbot: You can eat?

Everything is fine. Nothing is ruined.

The web site seems to be working again. At least, according to this very real system report.

Happy Laboratory Animals Day!

On behalf of the Illogiblog, I wish you a very happy International Chocolate Egg Eating Day. Hope you don't scoff too much and get sick, because Francis Winkler has been getting enough for all of us.

Sorry for the Uncyclopedia in-joke there, but you do tend to wander 'over there' when Illogico is experiencing its annual server blip. Speaking of which, it seems some functionality is trickling back to the site, which I can somehow get to work - sort of. I can't save or preview edits with signatures, indicating a database update of some sort. Hang tight, mainly because it'd be stupid to hang loose at times like these.

Anyway, according to Wikipedia, today is also the World Day for Laboratory Animals, so spare a piece of your chocolate if you encounter such a beast. Actually don't, as it may kill them - choccy is poisonous to some animals. So, only give it chocolate if it threatens to bite your arm off, or eat your sandwich or something. Blasted sandwich scroungers.

Until next time, stay happy and keep eating that lard. Incidentally, the Lard Information Council, which commissioned the poster to the right, continues to this day in the form of the Anti-Weight Watchers Association (AWWA). They organise secret underground 24-hour lard eating contests and other unsavoury activities your mother warned you about, so watch out for them in your area.

New Weird Al parody "Perform This Way" of Lady Gaga - "Born This Way"

This seems suitably illogical and notable to merit mention.

Withdrawal (Illogicopedia)

From Funkypedia, the free funkcyclopedia

Withdrawal can refer to any sort of separation, but is most commonly used to describe the group of symptoms that occurs upon the abrupt discontinuation/separation or a decrease in dosage of the intake of the use of Illogicopedia, the internets, and/or video games. In order to experience the symptoms of withdrawal, one must have first developed a physical dependence (often referred to as insane in the membrane). This happens after using one or more of these things for a certain period of time, which is both dose dependent and varies based upon crap, blah blah blah.

There are different stages of withdrawal as well. Generally, a person will start to feel worse and worse, hit a plateau, and then the symptoms begin to dissipate. However, withdrawal from Illogicopedia can be fatal and therefore the abrupt discontinuation of any type of wiki is not recommended.[citation needed] The term "cold turkey" is used to describe the sudden cessation use of Illogicopedia and the ensuing physiologic manifestations.

Oh and BTW, the cake is still a lie.

The Roberto Family: Bringing down the Internet one wiki at a time

Following Illogicopedia's latest server crash, we have some rather scary news to bring you. Roberto and his family of deranged clones (pictured above are Roberto, Roberta, Bert and Robbie) have not only succeeded in crashing Uncyclopedia, which has been experiencing periods of downtime, but also pioneering humour wiki Encyclopedia Dramatica.

Roberto's hatred for wikis is well-known: aside from destroying the Illogicopedia servers on a regular basis, he brought Wikipedia to its knees in 2010, and sources indicate he will not stop until the Internet is rid of all such websites. Now, armed with a selection of humorously-named clones he created from his own saliva, his evil plans are mere days from becoming a reality.

Popular meme-bashing website Encyclopedia Dramatica was relaunched under the watered down guise of Oh Internet, a new venture somewhat resembling Know Your Meme, on 14 April. ED has gone mainstream, much to the chagrin of its users and web trolls alike.

Illogiblog can exclusively reveal that Roberto was instrumental in this change, demanding 20,000 Pot Noodles and 1,000 boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts otherwise he would wipe the site from the face of the earth. In a panic, the site's owners caved in and went ahead with the unintended revamp. They did pay $40,000 to purchase said foodstuffs, but someone broke into ED HQ and pinched the lot under mysterious circumstances. By the way, if anyone wants a Pot Noodle I'm selling them for 50 cents each. Check out my Paypal page for more information.

Illogicopedia is down but not out. We shall fight Roberto and his mini-army of nefarious clones and ensure Illogico (and Uncyclo) shall not meet the same fate. The future of the Internet is in our hands.

AID EPOC IGOLLI, fellow Illogians.

Illogi Classics - #29, Talk Page

You just know Illogicopedia is down when its authors resort to posting on the Illogiblog, and this particular attack of the Roberto family is no exception. Here it is, the Illogi Classic you've all been waiting for since late 2006!

Talk Page

Whoop de doo, a talk page on Illogicopedia. There are only, like, 10,000 of them to choose from.

This particular talk page, however, is special. Not in the way that lemonade becomes special once any number of mind-altering/tongue carpeting substances are added, but because it makes you think, "hey, what's this talk page doing in the article space?"

That's right. In true Illogicopedia style, this talk page bucks the trend and makes the successful transition from talkspace to mainspace in a way nobody everybody thought possible.

User interaction, in particular orchestrated stupidity, has always been a huge part of the Illogicopedia. Click for Free Holiday paved the way for blatant article space conversations in 2007, with numerous (well, one or two) attempts to emulate its relative success in the following months. Talk Page appeared almost a whole year later, launched in a less ceremonious manner and lurking under the radar... Until now.

Content wise, it is nothing spectacular: there is no real body of text to speak of, and you might term it a bit of a one-joke article. But what Talk Page lacks in actual content, it more than makes up for in sheer gimmickyness.

This is one weird old article. -- Some Idiot

Weird, maybe; chuckleworthy, perhaps. Intriguing, certainly. It's not often an article encouraging article space conversation survives... wait, what am I saying? There are loads of them. What makes Talk Page stand out is the fact it is a blatant ripoff of Euroipods. There, I said it. It is now up to you to live your life in full knowledge of this.

Roberto in sex change shock?

Been wondering why we haven't seen much of Roberto recently? Well, we may have found the answer:

(Cannot contact the database server: Host 'roberta' is blocked because of many connection errors; unblock with 'mysqladmin flush-hosts')

It seems Roberto has been superseded by the mysterious 'Roberta'. Is this part of a dastardly plan to deflect blame, or has Bob had the old chop and transformed into a woman?

Whatever the case, you just know Roberto is behind this latest period of Illogico downtime. Heavy set blokes with Meccano are working to rectify the problem as I speak (or type, whatever), and once I've finished writing this blog entry I shall also get to work with my £2 tool kit bought from a motorway service station. I lost the hammer, but the screwdriver and plastic drill might possibly still function. To the servers!

REVEALING: ROBERTO HAS DAUGHTER

(click on image to enlarge)

When I tried reaching Illogicopedia, I got a typical wiki error of... RobertA. Though, it's still not known whether it's his daughter or it's Roberto himself. Is he transsexual then? I have my doubts. In a former post of Hindley, Roberto is to be known as a fat, unshaved male who once ate his beard during a bully. So you're going to tell me he 'went over' the other gender? Nah.

In Latin countries, it's a tradition to give the first-born daughter the father's name, ending in the letter -a. Roberto is (or was) Mexican, so the theory can be right.

Let's hope Roberto just named his error after his daughter, and that his daughter is not a second generation of wiki-terror.

WP:DAFT, a little bit of craziness in a world of sanity

Some time ago, the super serious types at Wikipedia issued a ban on 'humorous' content. Anything mildly interesting was promptly removed or branded 'silly' and brushed into a corner with the other babbling fools whose sensibilities don't exactly fit with the site's 'facts-only' ethics. Pah, the madness of such actions cannot be quantified by words alone! Hence, I have prepared a 30-minute dance routine entitled 'Wikipedia, why u no like teh jokes?'

...But seriously.

Cries of 'you used to be cool, man' are not entirely justified, however. You cannot accuse the Free Encyclopedia™ of undergoing a complete humorectomy, for there is the odd page which remains as evidence of a former, less serious Wikipedia.

It is something of a minor miracle, but Deleted Articles with Freaky Titles, a collection of pages with silly names (duh) has yet to bite the dust. I'm not sure whether we should all rejoice in this fact or let out an enthusiastic 'meh' en masse, but it certainly provides Illogicopedia's Articles for Creation with an almost unlimited source of fuel with which to keep the fire of insanity burning. Again, I dunno if this a good thing or not, but it sure is interesting. To some.

Graduates of the DAFT-Illogico AFC alliance, whilst not exactly numerous, at least provide some mirth to the people that created them. MASSIVE TRAFFIC CONE SHAPED ALIENS FROM OUTER SPACE is one excellent example, whilst A better Wikipedia simply redirects to the page about Illogicopedia. Mildly amusing, no? Paper- the fat free chocolate and Poorly built rocket bus also stick out, but we've yet to see alumni of this far from notable university hit the front page. However, one feels it is only a matter of time.

*Post removed by the Anti April Fools Lobby (AFOOL)*

Well, everybody, I did have a fantastic article lined up for April Fools' Day 2011 but, due to circumstances beyond my control, I will be unable to post it. Seems the article has been vetoed by some organisation calling themselves the Anti April Fools Lobby.

In case you're wondering who these people are (and I know I was before two hours of solid Googling), you might have encountered its members whilst browsing through a certain factual (*hock, spit*) Internet encyclopedia.

Yep, it's the very same dudes that ruled Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense as childish stupidity and ordered its removal from the Internet --erm, I mean Wikipedia.

All together now: BOOOOOOOOOOOO!

--- Begin transcript ---

From: alfhart@afool.com
To: Harry Yack
Sent: 00:01, 1 April 2011
Subject: Re:*Post removed by the Anti April Fools Lobby (AFOOL)*

We, the Anti April Fools Lobby, have managed to gain access to the Illogiblog via hook or crook (we drugged that penguin bloke and ransacked his flat for his Blogger.com username and password) and remove the piece of filth that is your post entitled 'Illogicopedia announces ten-year deal with Wikia Inc.'. We believe this to be an April Fools' Day joke and as such have taken the liberty of erasing it from the servers.

Should we have done so in error --which is highly unlikely as we never make mistokes and only include this on the suggestion of our lawyers--, please send a stamped addressed envelope to James Wales, Kerguelen, Iceland, Antarctica, The Moon TH3 M00N and we shall consider reinstating your post, then laugh heartily and forget all about it before looking up your address and posting you a dead pollock.

We have much work to do, so, you know, toodles.

Alf Hart, Anti April Fools Lobby

--- End transcript ---

Well, it *was* a bit of a weak joke so I suppose the AFOOL have spared us the horror of another April Fools' Day cop out. Sigh. Better luck next year, eh?