Platypocalypse

Top theologians from around the globe are meeting today, coincidentally Easter Sunday, to discuss the recently discovered, obscure passage found in a bible dating from 10 bce. Known as the, it has been tentatively translated from the original Pali

This happens every time I start a new religion. No sooner do I begin to construct a foundation for yet another new, shiny spiritual awakening vehicle, than dissenting voices make themselves known. Irregardless of the fact that the voices emanate from within the confines of my own brain pan.

Thus far, I've only got the idea that the word "Monotreme" is in the name, and that there is some sort of amazing event called the Platypocalypse. Apparently, Jesus really was a raptor, back in the day, and that dinosaurs were the original Jews. Noah was a proto-lemur, who saved mammals from the meteorite cataclysm about 65 million years ago by inventing the inflatable raft.

Cain and Abel were the primal blessed vessels, designed by God on spec to house souls. Cain represented the monotremes, or egg-laying mammals, and Abel was chief among the marsupials and placentals. After God made quick work of the dinosaurs, leaving only chickens, He got to work picking out who was good and who was bad. He decided to leave it to chance, the Holy Equivalent of a coin toss, and it fell to the egg-layers to be the Jews, forever to walk the Earth chosen yet tortured, except for the ones that make it in Hollywood or banking or diamonds.

So, the Platypocalypse... That would be something like, "...and lo, didst the disciples of the shell rise up across the lands, and didst they multiply furiously and inexplicably and seethe across all the oceans of the Earth, and ravage the beaches, and the fields, and the cities, and the cattle, and the goats, and the other stuff. People got pretty upset about all this."

Saturday chicken musings, laced with anger management videos

The Reptilians are definitely increasing in power and influence.  The Bilderbergers are up to their old dirty tricks again, lacing prime time television with anger management video footage, subliminally implanted by Roberto and his allies in the Illuminati. 

At the gym, Reptilians are the ones buying all the steroids and Human Growth Hormone.  Your supervisor at the glue factory is probably a Reptilian. 

This brings me to chickens.  What's with all the chicken related legislation lately?  Americans, Brits, and many other "democracies" are suddenly afflicted with chickeny fears.  It oozes from their pores, mars the complexion... should we, the proletariat, be afraid?  You remember what Uncle Pete did with 8 chickens last week?  I think we're in trouble.

Post-patriotism Fatigue Disorder

Hung over, not from alcohol but from patriotic zeal abuse, I crawled out of bed this morning, performed initial ablutions, let Frunobulax out of her kennel and gave her a rawhide strip to keep her settled and quiet, made coffee and finally settled down with a fine cup of Chock Full 'O Nuts and a Winston cigarette to watch Adam Hochschild talk about The Great War. He pointed out that World War I was the last time the sons of aristocracy and the rich and powerful were sent off to war to fight and die in the front lines. Eeble, Sonk.

So, today's question is, "Why do we fight wars?" The short answer is that our brains haven't caught up the turbocharger we put on evolution, called by some, intelligence. I'm talking about a particular type, of course. You know what I mean.

So, we're mostly pretty stupid, "monkeys with car keys" according to Woody Allen. Being on the dole, I have plenty of time to think about this kind of thing. I realize it's an excercise in futility, but it helps when my pain medications aren't working.

Who...

...the feck are those new red-link users? And why the hellk are they making huge random articles that link to Wikipedia? Also, where am I? Who am I? And why the feck am I chained up and wearing a thong?

Er, nevermind about that, let's just get this show on the road. Now, we have a few sneaky sneakers scoping around the site writing crap without bothering to make it look nice. Creating such articles as Wallace Intrubé, The Snickets and others, should these anons editors be considered subtle threats or a gleam of hope in a slow wiki? The creepers themselves:

1. Specsy1: A cheap chump who was the first to join. More than likely associated with following counterpart.
2. Sammy12345: Do I have a fan club? Copying the name. More than likely partner in crime of above.
3. Shitload of IP's: Mindless zombie henchmen of the two schemers above. Watch out for full on wiki domination by the cohorts.

Testes, Seppy: arm the banhammers: if these guys invade the forums you know what to do.

But the other obvious question lingers: What if they're just innocent bystanders, trying to write and have fun? Well, in that case, we make them snap into shape by throwing death threats to them on their talk pages. They need to learn how to link and make some userpages. And if they don't cooperate? Well, I already mentioned the solution one paragraph above.

But enough about me. Let's get into the fun stuff: The wiki is horribly inactive, no one is editing, blah blah blah . But, let's face it, these red link arseholes are the only ones giving the site some value. Maybe they're not evil schemers, but silent heroes? Ah, forget it. I need some more cocaine.

Newsflash: Conservapedia officially hates Illogicopedia

...or at least they hate 'liberal' parodists such as I.

It seems humour will not be tolerated amongst the hallowed pages of Schlaflypedia, which has introduced measures to clamp down laughing and the causes of it. All kind of ironic, don't you think, for a wiki that prides itself on its right wing bias? Ahh, irony - a word not to be found within the Conservapedia dictionary.

Should I have actually given a monkeys, I would be bemoaning this great injustice to the high hills of Conservative HQ and banging down David Cameron's door. However, I shall draw a veil over the incident as I do not wish to harm Conserva-Illogico relations... ah, who am I kidding. Nobody gives a carp.

Don't muck with Conservo. You will be sorry, you left wing, working class twerp.