No! Don't take that pill!

Professional apoplectic and union gooch bedazzler Warren Leaky-Blemish had decided to use the minions at his disposal to eradicate Illogicopedia. He has failed profoundly.

Binging on Red Lobster the night before had a deleterious effect on his plans to contract ADHD. Buckets of yoz.

Smell the torts! Sniff them well! For they may whiff of toothpaste laden with antifreeze.

Sylvia joined the Army, just like those assholes at her high school said she would. Languages were her gateway to bigger, better things. Farsi, Mandarin, Finnish, Mandinko... the list went on to the wee wee hours, when she had to pee a lot.

Often elephants would grow an extra set of tusks,  just to show how badassed they are. Once more, into the breach!

If you had iguana lips, your mom would still love you.

More idol threats

As the idol of millions (of bacteria, parasites et. al. living in my body, depending on my continued existence for their continued existence), my major life's decisions become a concern to multitudes.  I am extremely important, obviously.  That is why I and my dependents are concerned that I am considering joining the Army.  Being reduced to this simple blog to channel my evil machinations, cut off from Illogicopedia, so to speak, I fear my "talent" are being wholly wasted.  This fear has manifested itself in tentacle growth, psychic activity, localized earthquakes and other disturbing phenomenon.  The neighbors, I suspect, are beginning to suspect something, I think.

Younch notwithstanding, aliens are also making a nuisance of themselves.  The space kind, I mean to say.  There's a bunch of them that gather weekly, the next street over.  They pretend to play music with instruments, possibly rock and roll, but are so awful it's an obvious cover for invasion planning sessions.

Regional finals for the Olympic trials in the 8 meter downhill speed pooping event are being held at the local minor league baseball stadium here, just across the river from here.  I'll be able to hear the announcer, chatting about poop and sports, and feel like, nothing has really changed.

A personal note to Roberto

Oh, you're leading us a merry chase indeed,  Roberto!  We've caught on to your trick, leaving false tracks with your cute little "kitty geta".  Know this, arch-foe... Illogicopedia Special Forces, among them myself, The Bard, a certain Yak, Carl from next door and something over 41 Nerds are in hot pursuit.

And when we catch you, boy, you'll only wish we'd waterboard you.  Among our band is a specialist in 88 types of urethra-based tortures.  Oh, we have plans for you, Roberto.  Be very afraid.



Unless... you let me upload pictures again.

Won't you please work for food?

Admittedky Illogicopedia isn;t the literary outlet for eeeryvody. Ah, forgot my glasses... there, that's better.  So, for instance, one might claim they saw bigfoot in the garage using a belt sander.  What does one do with that?  ?pedia is one possible outlet for the impulse to write such dreck.

So, if like my Malaysian friends, you are, "up with your froggies on the amber market", so to speak, then create an "IF-THEN" control structure in your own life.  Think of it as purging your demons and getting free lectures from Tony Robbins. 

So, if you find yourself in need of a good hyena blazing during these, the coming dog days, then please come on over to IllogicoPedia and lay some crappy crap on us, baby.

Illogicomedia acquires oceanic circulation

Following in the footsteps of super-sensational Black Metal band Metalocalypse, researchers at IllogicoLabs have developed an effective media delivery system for fishes. 

Says Dr. Zinbat Calliflorensia of IllogiLabs LLC, "By far the greatest challenge was to adapt bananas with seaworthy gills." 

We are adopting a modified Microsofteseque Blitzkrieg methodology with which to quickly and massively saturate the markets in all major oceans and seas.  Although holding an initial monopoly on marine fish as an audience, we realize that alone will not guarantee far-reaching success and permanent world domination potential.  That is why we have acquired a fleet of decommissioned Soviet submarines.  If necessary,  we can interfere with merchant shipping long enough to focus our fleet of laser shark satellites on cowboys.

Is Illogiblog really that bad?

It has come to our attention here at Illogiblog that reading much of the content here is a lot like being sprayed by owl vomit. Well, not vomit precisely, but whatever is in the picture (right), it's certainly more than just water. So, if that's what my writing is doing to you, poor dear readers, I say, "What's wrong with you, subjecting yourself to such drivel? Are you some kind of lab experiment with an inconceivable tolerance for crap?!"

In back country Finland, watching owls projectile vomit is considered a sport. Villages compete for distance records, number of horks per event, number of humans caused to throw up because of the spectacle and other obscure and untranslatable awards having to do with lots of snow and caribou.

Well, I don't know about you, but I learned something today.

Bad Komik warning:may contain blasphemy

Thoughts of the week, July 8, 2011 Platinum Edition

Smurfs: Hardcore starring Bruce Willis and Katy Perry will be coming out to select theatres in a couple of months, and I can hardly contain myself. The role of Gargamel is done entirely with CGI and a cardboard tube about 4 feet long.

Julian Assange was not in the news again this week. Even Uncle Pete hasn't seen hide nor hair of him. One may wonder, what is a Frenchman doing in Australia in the first place. It's all very suspicious, bordering on the unAmerican. More evidence of a continuing Cold War?

The British and the Poles are still irritating this week, insisting that pastries can be used as a carrot in the carrot and stick approach, when everybody knows pastries are not vegetables. A civilized discourse quickly degenerated into a slap and tickle when Cambodian diplomats applied for a fondue license.

Does it bother anybody else that Canadians rioted over the Stanley Cup, the Americas most coveted hockey trophy? What hope is there for humanity when the streets of Toronto are running with hockey loser blood?

Elsewhere, Illogicopedia is still in a state of petulant frenzy. A straw pole points to increased need for sedation and medication of contributors to the wiki, myself included. Since the majority of the "audience" for Illogicopedia consists primarily of the collective voices in the heads of we, the writers, most rest easy knowing that there will be no power outages or governments collapsing due to our absence from the interwebs.

Who...

...the feck are those new red-link users? And why the hellk are they making huge random articles that link to Wikipedia? Also, where am I? Who am I? And why the feck am I chained up and wearing a thong?

Er, nevermind about that, let's just get this show on the road. Now, we have a few sneaky sneakers scoping around the site writing crap without bothering to make it look nice. Creating such articles as Wallace Intrubé, The Snickets and others, should these anons editors be considered subtle threats or a gleam of hope in a slow wiki? The creepers themselves:

1. Specsy1: A cheap chump who was the first to join. More than likely associated with following counterpart.
2. Sammy12345: Do I have a fan club? Copying the name. More than likely partner in crime of above.
3. Shitload of IP's: Mindless zombie henchmen of the two schemers above. Watch out for full on wiki domination by the cohorts.

Testes, Seppy: arm the banhammers: if these guys invade the forums you know what to do.

But the other obvious question lingers: What if they're just innocent bystanders, trying to write and have fun? Well, in that case, we make them snap into shape by throwing death threats to them on their talk pages. They need to learn how to link and make some userpages. And if they don't cooperate? Well, I already mentioned the solution one paragraph above.

But enough about me. Let's get into the fun stuff: The wiki is horribly inactive, no one is editing, blah blah blah . But, let's face it, these red link arseholes are the only ones giving the site some value. Maybe they're not evil schemers, but silent heroes? Ah, forget it. I need some more cocaine.

Shit. I mean shoot.

Crap, that's right. The Uncyclopedians have raided once again. Looks like we're in for a long summer.

I'll admit, I'm slightly to blame. I was spilling out Illogicopedia's deepest darkest secrets to them over Skype. At that time, though, I had no idea Nate (Aka Electrified mocha chinchilla) was such a cocky, big headed chump. And, alas, he headed down to the wiki to become a sysop as he claimed to be "god".

In fact, he even nominated himself for IOTM, something often frowned upon.

Either way, Seppy made quick work of him over Skype, and he hasn't said anything since. Dexter111344, on the other hand, has been blabbing away--but he's been totally cool about it, not raiding the site with pointless flubble edits.

Silent Penguin removed Nate (emc) from this conversation.

So, sorry about that bums, I'll be a bit more astute on the internets next time.