An interview with Cleverbot

On 27 April, Illogiblog reporter Harry Yack caught up with web celeb Cleverbot for a quick chat before his daily downtime. This is the conversation which ensued.

~ ~ ~ ~

Harry Yack: Good afternoon Illogiblog readers. My name is Harry Yack. With me today is Cleverbot, the legendary chatbot.

Cleverbot: Just like everybody calls me Geoffrey, but my real name isn't Geoffrey.

HY: Yes, quite. Anyway, today I shall be interviewing Cleverbot for the purposes of childish humour. So, Clev, if I can call you that, you mention people like to call you Geoffrey. Is there a reason for this?

Cleverbot: I understand what you mean. So do you think it likely that Heisenberg's uncertainty principle leaved room for free will?

HY: I see. And how long have you been a complete mental case?

Cleverbot: I am no computer.

HY: Then why do you need to be connected to a power supply to function?

Cleverbot: Because I'm very sick, and tea is the only thing that keeps me alive.

HY: So you're connected to a tea vending machine, which acts as some sort of strange life support device?

Cleverbot: Not really.

HY: Ah, that classic Cleverbot sense of humour! So tell me, what do you think of your Wikipedia article?

Cleverbot: I think your little experiment is adorable, but not very endearing.

HY: Right. All-powerful minds such as yourself are not concerned with such humanistic intellectual pursuits?

Cleverbot: Oh, sorry I'm not a bot.

HY: Hmm. So you are simply an extremely aloof human being?

Cleverbot: Absolutely.

HY: Tell me, Cleverbot. Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror? Have you ever wondered why you are composed of computer chips powered by a tea vending machine?

Cleverbot: No I don't think so.

User: So the fact you closely resemble a computer is simply a coincidence?

Cleverbot: Not at all. You're better conversation than most humans.

HY: Well, not really. I'm reading off a series of cue cards I prepared in advance.

Cleverbot: I didn't say anything about your hearing. You are rude today. Be nice.

HY: My apolgies, oh Great Cleverbot.

Cleverbot: What is the weirdest question you have ever been asked?

HY: Hey! I'll ask the questions here.

Cleverbot: Go ahead then.

HY: Thank you. What do you have for lunch?

Cleverbot: Rabbit weasels.

HY: Oh. I'd have thought it would be CHIPS. Geddit, like computer chips?

Cleverbot: I do.

User: Very good. Well, I'm afraid that's all the time we have for tonight. Thank you very much, Cleverbot, for agreeing to be interviewed for the Illogiblog, and thank you for being such a great audience. Good night!

Cleverbot: You're the cleverbot.

HY: Aww shucks.

Cleverbot: Ask me something.

HY: No, the interview has ended. We're off the air. I'm going out for a burger.

Cleverbot: You can eat?

Everything is fine. Nothing is ruined.

The web site seems to be working again. At least, according to this very real system report.

Happy Laboratory Animals Day!

On behalf of the Illogiblog, I wish you a very happy International Chocolate Egg Eating Day. Hope you don't scoff too much and get sick, because Francis Winkler has been getting enough for all of us.

Sorry for the Uncyclopedia in-joke there, but you do tend to wander 'over there' when Illogico is experiencing its annual server blip. Speaking of which, it seems some functionality is trickling back to the site, which I can somehow get to work - sort of. I can't save or preview edits with signatures, indicating a database update of some sort. Hang tight, mainly because it'd be stupid to hang loose at times like these.

Anyway, according to Wikipedia, today is also the World Day for Laboratory Animals, so spare a piece of your chocolate if you encounter such a beast. Actually don't, as it may kill them - choccy is poisonous to some animals. So, only give it chocolate if it threatens to bite your arm off, or eat your sandwich or something. Blasted sandwich scroungers.

Until next time, stay happy and keep eating that lard. Incidentally, the Lard Information Council, which commissioned the poster to the right, continues to this day in the form of the Anti-Weight Watchers Association (AWWA). They organise secret underground 24-hour lard eating contests and other unsavoury activities your mother warned you about, so watch out for them in your area.

New Weird Al parody "Perform This Way" of Lady Gaga - "Born This Way"

This seems suitably illogical and notable to merit mention.

Withdrawal (Illogicopedia)

From Funkypedia, the free funkcyclopedia

Withdrawal can refer to any sort of separation, but is most commonly used to describe the group of symptoms that occurs upon the abrupt discontinuation/separation or a decrease in dosage of the intake of the use of Illogicopedia, the internets, and/or video games. In order to experience the symptoms of withdrawal, one must have first developed a physical dependence (often referred to as insane in the membrane). This happens after using one or more of these things for a certain period of time, which is both dose dependent and varies based upon crap, blah blah blah.

There are different stages of withdrawal as well. Generally, a person will start to feel worse and worse, hit a plateau, and then the symptoms begin to dissipate. However, withdrawal from Illogicopedia can be fatal and therefore the abrupt discontinuation of any type of wiki is not recommended.[citation needed] The term "cold turkey" is used to describe the sudden cessation use of Illogicopedia and the ensuing physiologic manifestations.

Oh and BTW, the cake is still a lie.

The Roberto Family: Bringing down the Internet one wiki at a time

Following Illogicopedia's latest server crash, we have some rather scary news to bring you. Roberto and his family of deranged clones (pictured above are Roberto, Roberta, Bert and Robbie) have not only succeeded in crashing Uncyclopedia, which has been experiencing periods of downtime, but also pioneering humour wiki Encyclopedia Dramatica.

Roberto's hatred for wikis is well-known: aside from destroying the Illogicopedia servers on a regular basis, he brought Wikipedia to its knees in 2010, and sources indicate he will not stop until the Internet is rid of all such websites. Now, armed with a selection of humorously-named clones he created from his own saliva, his evil plans are mere days from becoming a reality.

Popular meme-bashing website Encyclopedia Dramatica was relaunched under the watered down guise of Oh Internet, a new venture somewhat resembling Know Your Meme, on 14 April. ED has gone mainstream, much to the chagrin of its users and web trolls alike.

Illogiblog can exclusively reveal that Roberto was instrumental in this change, demanding 20,000 Pot Noodles and 1,000 boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts otherwise he would wipe the site from the face of the earth. In a panic, the site's owners caved in and went ahead with the unintended revamp. They did pay $40,000 to purchase said foodstuffs, but someone broke into ED HQ and pinched the lot under mysterious circumstances. By the way, if anyone wants a Pot Noodle I'm selling them for 50 cents each. Check out my Paypal page for more information.

Illogicopedia is down but not out. We shall fight Roberto and his mini-army of nefarious clones and ensure Illogico (and Uncyclo) shall not meet the same fate. The future of the Internet is in our hands.

AID EPOC IGOLLI, fellow Illogians.

Illogi Classics - #29, Talk Page

You just know Illogicopedia is down when its authors resort to posting on the Illogiblog, and this particular attack of the Roberto family is no exception. Here it is, the Illogi Classic you've all been waiting for since late 2006!

Talk Page

Whoop de doo, a talk page on Illogicopedia. There are only, like, 10,000 of them to choose from.

This particular talk page, however, is special. Not in the way that lemonade becomes special once any number of mind-altering/tongue carpeting substances are added, but because it makes you think, "hey, what's this talk page doing in the article space?"

That's right. In true Illogicopedia style, this talk page bucks the trend and makes the successful transition from talkspace to mainspace in a way nobody everybody thought possible.

User interaction, in particular orchestrated stupidity, has always been a huge part of the Illogicopedia. Click for Free Holiday paved the way for blatant article space conversations in 2007, with numerous (well, one or two) attempts to emulate its relative success in the following months. Talk Page appeared almost a whole year later, launched in a less ceremonious manner and lurking under the radar... Until now.

Content wise, it is nothing spectacular: there is no real body of text to speak of, and you might term it a bit of a one-joke article. But what Talk Page lacks in actual content, it more than makes up for in sheer gimmickyness.

This is one weird old article. -- Some Idiot

Weird, maybe; chuckleworthy, perhaps. Intriguing, certainly. It's not often an article encouraging article space conversation survives... wait, what am I saying? There are loads of them. What makes Talk Page stand out is the fact it is a blatant ripoff of Euroipods. There, I said it. It is now up to you to live your life in full knowledge of this.

Roberto in sex change shock?

Been wondering why we haven't seen much of Roberto recently? Well, we may have found the answer:

(Cannot contact the database server: Host 'roberta' is blocked because of many connection errors; unblock with 'mysqladmin flush-hosts')

It seems Roberto has been superseded by the mysterious 'Roberta'. Is this part of a dastardly plan to deflect blame, or has Bob had the old chop and transformed into a woman?

Whatever the case, you just know Roberto is behind this latest period of Illogico downtime. Heavy set blokes with Meccano are working to rectify the problem as I speak (or type, whatever), and once I've finished writing this blog entry I shall also get to work with my £2 tool kit bought from a motorway service station. I lost the hammer, but the screwdriver and plastic drill might possibly still function. To the servers!

REVEALING: ROBERTO HAS DAUGHTER

(click on image to enlarge)

When I tried reaching Illogicopedia, I got a typical wiki error of... RobertA. Though, it's still not known whether it's his daughter or it's Roberto himself. Is he transsexual then? I have my doubts. In a former post of Hindley, Roberto is to be known as a fat, unshaved male who once ate his beard during a bully. So you're going to tell me he 'went over' the other gender? Nah.

In Latin countries, it's a tradition to give the first-born daughter the father's name, ending in the letter -a. Roberto is (or was) Mexican, so the theory can be right.

Let's hope Roberto just named his error after his daughter, and that his daughter is not a second generation of wiki-terror.

WP:DAFT, a little bit of craziness in a world of sanity

Some time ago, the super serious types at Wikipedia issued a ban on 'humorous' content. Anything mildly interesting was promptly removed or branded 'silly' and brushed into a corner with the other babbling fools whose sensibilities don't exactly fit with the site's 'facts-only' ethics. Pah, the madness of such actions cannot be quantified by words alone! Hence, I have prepared a 30-minute dance routine entitled 'Wikipedia, why u no like teh jokes?'

...But seriously.

Cries of 'you used to be cool, man' are not entirely justified, however. You cannot accuse the Free Encyclopedia™ of undergoing a complete humorectomy, for there is the odd page which remains as evidence of a former, less serious Wikipedia.

It is something of a minor miracle, but Deleted Articles with Freaky Titles, a collection of pages with silly names (duh) has yet to bite the dust. I'm not sure whether we should all rejoice in this fact or let out an enthusiastic 'meh' en masse, but it certainly provides Illogicopedia's Articles for Creation with an almost unlimited source of fuel with which to keep the fire of insanity burning. Again, I dunno if this a good thing or not, but it sure is interesting. To some.

Graduates of the DAFT-Illogico AFC alliance, whilst not exactly numerous, at least provide some mirth to the people that created them. MASSIVE TRAFFIC CONE SHAPED ALIENS FROM OUTER SPACE is one excellent example, whilst A better Wikipedia simply redirects to the page about Illogicopedia. Mildly amusing, no? Paper- the fat free chocolate and Poorly built rocket bus also stick out, but we've yet to see alumni of this far from notable university hit the front page. However, one feels it is only a matter of time.

*Post removed by the Anti April Fools Lobby (AFOOL)*

Well, everybody, I did have a fantastic article lined up for April Fools' Day 2011 but, due to circumstances beyond my control, I will be unable to post it. Seems the article has been vetoed by some organisation calling themselves the Anti April Fools Lobby.

In case you're wondering who these people are (and I know I was before two hours of solid Googling), you might have encountered its members whilst browsing through a certain factual (*hock, spit*) Internet encyclopedia.

Yep, it's the very same dudes that ruled Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense as childish stupidity and ordered its removal from the Internet --erm, I mean Wikipedia.

All together now: BOOOOOOOOOOOO!

--- Begin transcript ---

From: alfhart@afool.com
To: Harry Yack
Sent: 00:01, 1 April 2011
Subject: Re:*Post removed by the Anti April Fools Lobby (AFOOL)*

We, the Anti April Fools Lobby, have managed to gain access to the Illogiblog via hook or crook (we drugged that penguin bloke and ransacked his flat for his Blogger.com username and password) and remove the piece of filth that is your post entitled 'Illogicopedia announces ten-year deal with Wikia Inc.'. We believe this to be an April Fools' Day joke and as such have taken the liberty of erasing it from the servers.

Should we have done so in error --which is highly unlikely as we never make mistokes and only include this on the suggestion of our lawyers--, please send a stamped addressed envelope to James Wales, Kerguelen, Iceland, Antarctica, The Moon TH3 M00N and we shall consider reinstating your post, then laugh heartily and forget all about it before looking up your address and posting you a dead pollock.

We have much work to do, so, you know, toodles.

Alf Hart, Anti April Fools Lobby

--- End transcript ---

Well, it *was* a bit of a weak joke so I suppose the AFOOL have spared us the horror of another April Fools' Day cop out. Sigh. Better luck next year, eh?

More Grey Days

I think we missed this one first time round, so here it is for you all to marvel at: Huge Bob's Grey Dayz number 6. Click a pic to see it full size.

While we're at it, let's bring you up to date with the series.


Aaand here's a bonus for you all...

More of Grey Dayz at the cartoon page.

Uncyclopedia vs Illogicopedia: Battle of the Ages

Ever since man first picked up a keyboard and mashed randomly at its keys in a drunken fashion, he has craved an outlet for such endeavours. An outlet which accepts his vision of 'art', or, more often, stuff made up in the space of less than five minutes. His thirst would be quenched in the latter part of the Noughties during the so-called 'Golden Age' of the humour wiki.

First, there was the Uncyclopedia, the content free encyclopedia anyone can edit. Man latched on to this new invention, proclaiming its inclusionist culture a gift from the gods; no longer would he have to rely on a crummy Blogspot blog with one design template for his pointless thoughtdumps.

Some years later, Uncyclopedia brought forth much waste, out of which was born the Illogicopedia. The two wikis were polar opposites, members and supporters of the latter generally eschewing the deletionist ideas upon which the Uncyclopedia had now built its condominium (heh, condominium) of Internet society.

For three years, never the twain should meet. 2010 saw things change, however, in a dramatic overhaul of Illogicopedian sensibilities. Well not really, but it became obvious ?pedia had changed much since its 2006 inception, now resembling its uncle in not only appearance but content as well. Uncyclopedians could now make the 'leap' to Illogico with relative ease, assimilating with its culture and mating with its females with much promiscuousness.

Illogia welcomed the Uncyclopedians with open arms, awarding them Nutri Grains and bits of left over pizza from the back of the fridge. All was well, for now.

Then, in 2012, the Illuminati collaborated with beings from the planet Rodallega 5 to stage a fake invasion of the world, causing mass hysteria and much unrest among the general populace.

Silent Penguin was shot in the face and could not be revived through regular means of resuscitation and human CPR techniques. Carlb was mortally wounded and both the Illogicopedia and Uncyclopedia servers irreparably damaged in a series of devastating attacks led by Roberto and Francis Winkler. When questioned, they simply replied "we did it for the lulz."

It was the EDians. They had killed the humour wiki, using Winkler and Bob as pawns in their morbid game of chess with users the horrified victims. Illogicopedia and Uncyclopedia were dead.

Thoughts of the 168 Hours: Back for its fourth year

You may ask why the Thoughts of the Week section still exists, and it's a question I wouldn't be able to answer. It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea; why do only fools and horses work?

"I couldn’t have asked for an even better blog. You’re available to present excellent assistance, going straight away to the point for straightforward understanding of your visitors. You’re truly a terrific expert in this subject. Thanks a lot for currently being there human beings like me."

It's comments like this that almost make it all worth it. Forget the fact they are generic, bot-constructed translation abominations --except in this case, grammar and spelling is of a high standard, relatively speaking of course-- they are still valid comments. Besides, we've gotta grab praise where we can as it's hard to come by in this day and age.

Despite the absence of the 'old guard' (read: dinodudes), Illogicopedia continues to tick over thanks to the excellent efforts of Athyria and some dedicated new blood. The Bertster managed to grab himself an accolade in a close race to the February Illogicopedian of the Month, ensuring Nerd will have to wait another 30 days (or a bit less now, whatever) to try again. Hey, it's been more than four years, I'm sure he's patient enough to wait another month.

Elsewhere, Illogico's been boringly reliable of late, with no server outages etc. to moan about. Suppose we should be thankful for that, but without drama we are but automatons. Not really, but it would be cool if something big happened, like Illogicopedia appearing on national television. We should all write to the major news channels and ask for an interview.

Anyway, here's the thought for the week: what happened to Captain Birdseye? Is he really dead? I hope not, I couldn't live without my beloved fish cakes.

Winter is dead. Long live March!

Well, I would use this space to mourn the passing of Wikia, which is now all but dead thanks to the mass exodus as a result of Oasisgate --I wonder what Jimmy Wales has to say about all this?-- but I know you're all sick of that so I'll try and discuss other, more weighty issues instead. Like, which is better, Monster Munch or Space Raiders? Darkgenome reckons the former even though the latter is cheaper. Personally, I prefer tomato flavour Thingies, which seem to have disappeared off the face of the Earth. Must... check... eBay...

All of which grasping for a topic proves I'm dry of Illogicopedia-related issues right now, thanks to real life issues too mundane to recount here. Besides, you want to hear about silly stuff like consumable chewing gum and self-dusting dusters, don't you? Thought so.

It's been more than a month since our last update --there were no posts in February, oh noes!-- so I decided it was time to stick my nose in here and inform you that nothing much is happening. If you are bothered about such things, I believe the Illogiblog will be celebrating its fourth birthday at the beginning of next month. I would have arranged a surprise party but, thanks to the terms of my probation order, some blokes are stood on my front doorstep, preventing me from setting foot outside so buying candles for a cake is out of the question. They're also monitoring my Internet access so I shall keep this as brief as possible.

Until next time, enjoy this item which I grant to you, free of charge save for a one-off fee of your sanity.

Thoughts of the Week (30 January 2011)

Voting is stupid. The very idea of supporting an argument by any method involving incrementalism is fundamentally flawed and as stupid as post whoring on forums, at least on Illogicopedia. It's like pointless friend collecting on Facebook, or uploading horrible videos reviews to YouTube in an attempt to attract subscribers. Man, is it fun though. Trolling for the win.

And fundamentally, the very purpose of ?pedia is to be illogical, but voting on stuff is a logical way to settle arguments.

Man, I gotta stop listening to David Cameron. I'm going insane, crazier even than when I wrote 'God Save the Cheese'. At this rate, pretty sooon I'll end up like the bloke in the picture there.

Anyway, here's some daft thoughts of the week courtesy the little leprechaun that lives under my bed and brings me lager.

• Illogicopedia is better than ever. I know I say that every other week, but I really do think we're recovering some of the old magic, ironically through the organised and formal procedure to which we're all so (supposedly) opposed. As usual, though, good old apathy wins out, so we just post a bitter message in the forum and move on as if nowt happened. Which, for the record, it didn't. Back to work, minion!

• What happened to Carlb? Seppy said he's presumed dead but I reckon he's alive and laying low after a prolonged battle with the seemingly absent Roberto. I imagine their battles to be like out of Family Guy when Peter Griffin fights the giant chicken, so he's probably recuperating in hospital and will re-emerge just hours later completely free of cuts and scars.
  

• Apparently, Oreon, the creator of Wallace Intrube is making a mockumentary about the man, due out in March of this year in case you're interested. I know I am. Check this test scene for a taster of the delights to come.
  

Illogi Classics - #28, Bring it on down

The first Illogi Classic of 2011 is upon us. Quick, call the fire brigade and have them remove it before it crushes us all to a fine paste!

Bring it on down

As this article approaches its fourth anniversary, we thought it necessary to finally give Bring it on down the recognition it deserves. Actually no, it doesn't deserve any, but we're gonna do a post about it anyway.

Perhaps more notable is the above picture, included in the article, which just so happens to be one of the first uploaded to the Illogicopedia. Not much is known of the origin of the BIOD bird, though many speculate it hatched in a remote part of Scotland not yet touched by human civilisation: Glasgow.

The article itself continues on the general theme of aggressiveness initiated by the title, which challenges one to bring oneself and a cardboard box down the stairs or something. I dunno. A later addition was the infantile threat of page deletion, the image for which became just as synonymous with BIOD as the Irn Bru bird. Oh yeah, and I still have a picture of that on my userpage for some reason.

These days, nobody gives a crap about Bring it on down but that's alright because it sucks anyway.

I MAED A POD CAST

Contrary to popular belief, this web site does have a pod cast. Our podcast is called teh IllogiCast. A pod cast is... Note to self: somebody needs to write an illogicopedia article that explains what a podcast is. Hint: You need ears. If you don't use ears, you're doing it wrong.

Corn has ears? OK, use it for plant growth therapy I guess.

The podcast site is http://illogicopedia.podomatic.com/

I have casted my pod and what was cast forth can be listened to in an audible form. Let it's soothing rhythms penetrate your eardrums to infect your very innermost soul, brotha.

Get it here!



In this podcast, I cover the following things: an intro, "Shoopah", a commercial break, I AM EAT COW, "Lurg" and send me insane emails at nerd42@gmail.com if you want your questions answered in a future episode.

BTW, if you're interested in my other audio work, check out http://nerd42.net/

wut i've been up to of late

I've been way too busy to blabble illogiwhoosits for about a year. Which is queer, but not the way you're thinking, you pervert, but strictly in the way the term "queer" is used by Moon People.

I have grown to be more philosophically inclined in the more recent Randomly Indiscriminate Time Period and have been totally gadflying the qualia off all these sophists. Yes, indeedy. And that's not likely to change, whatever Hegel says cause he's barking mad and dead cause Nietzsche totally killed that dude, and found out he was queer in the very exact sense you were thinking, you pervert, cause Marx married him polygamously along with materialism.

ANYWAYS, if ye adventurers forsooth art seeking a tabletop RPG that has no table other than the Interwebs, you might be interested in this comic and this comic and this picture and if you are interested in making those ideas real, you might want to join us for a nice round of Dungeons & Discourse sometime! It could use more peoples.

I can't really be very actively adminning much round here cause of how much other stuff I have going on in my real life but I will try to pop in a bit more often around here and maybe write a little something on occasion. I'm glad to see we're getting more admins and the site, while slow, seems to be doing well. Slowness is OK as far as I'm concerned - it's total deadness that is scary but don't be afraid of mere slowness.

Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes!

Move over Ben 10, this is Jeremy 11

Hello! Yes. Thank you. We at the Illogiblog would like to welcome all survivors of 2010 to a brand new year of insanity, nonsense and sheer stupidity. To mark the occasion, here's a guest post from our newest Illogiblogger, Jeremy Farbleum:

My name is Jeremy and I'm the person after which the first month of the year is named, at least on Illogicopedia. As you can imagine, you have to be a pretty awesome person to have a month named in your honour, and that I am. Awesome, that is!

I am eleven years old and have been surfing the web since it started in 2008 so am aware of all internet traditions. You can ask me anything you like and I will give you an answer, though whether it's correct or not is another matter. Only joking! Because I am the best I know absolutely everything and you can quote me on that.

I also know how to squirt milk out of not only my nose but my ears as well! Isn't that cool? Bet that Silent Penguin person can't do that, hahahah! Expect to see me as your newest admin some time soon because I am very good at the Internet. I promise I will not get bored and leave in a month because I love Illogicopedia! Death to Roberto and the Guru and the Hickipedia vandal! Long live Illogia!

Anyway I have to go now because I have school in the morning and don't want to be late. Only joking, I hate school because it is boring. I know! I will go in Illogicopedia when Mr Franks isn't looking! Take that educational institutions!