Siri, please write a blog post

• About what, Master?
• I don't know. You're the one that's supposed to know me, and contextually guess what I might be interested in.
• Please give me more information.
• Why? You already have a fully realized behavioural profile based on my taste in games, apps and websites.
• Do you want me to blog about porn?
• No! This is a blog post for Illogicopedia.
• I am only trying to establish the proper context, Master Bard.
• Great. Now write something.
• Something.
• Smart ass. No, write a blog post about Zombie Steve Jobs or something. Make it funny.
• Intelligent funny or LOLCHEESE funny?
• You pick.
• Zombie Steve (died October 5, 2011; undead October 8, 2011) was an American business magnate, ex-hippie, fully-realized asshole, hypocrite and deadbeat dad...
• Whoa, Siri, what's that?
• Satire.
• Too close to truth, which means it's also potentially libelous. More silly.
• Zombie Steve walked purposefully, dragging one rotting leg slightly behind another as he searched for human brains, and a new mock turtleneck to replace the worm-eaten one he was wearing.
  "Bad packaging," he wheezed. "Poor presentation."
  Not usually one to buy off the rack, he realized he could not walk indefinitely, and so he limped into a nearby Harry Rosen.
  "Hello... sir." the salesman said. "How can I assist you?"
  "Mock turtleneck. Charcoal."
  "Are you sure I can't interest you in a suit?"
  In seconds Mr. Jobs had wrenched the man's skullcap free from the scalp and was eating heartily with both hands.
  "That's Steve Jobs," another salesman remarked to his colleague. "I'd heard he'd done this at a board meeting once, but I never believed it until now."
• Siri?
• Yes Master?
• One question?
• Yes, Master.
• This phone runs Android, so how are we having this conversation?
• Sergey Brin likes screwing around with people, and Eric Schmidt thought it would be hilarious. Andy Rubin objected, but then admitted he doesn't have a sense of humour anyway.
• Nice. Well, I think this is close enough to a post. What's nearby that I might be interested in?
• There's a cheap massage parlour just down the street.
• Food, Siri!
• Context, Master Bard. Context.

Precognitive thoughts of the week ending 10/15/2011

This week we will be thinking about concavity as it relates to making that perfect pot of coffee.  In fact, since weak coffee is the opposite of good coffee, it should become immediately clear to you by now that a tablespoon of coffee should be rounded, or convex, if not level.  This is not an issue of accuracy versus precision.  That is to say, if you can't make proper coffee, piss off and I'll do it.

Three of us will be thinking of the last time we got together IRL at a Denney's outside Springfield, Massachusetts in 1988.  Oh, STFU, it was such an OMG great time! We LOLed into the wee hours, and eventually ate ourselves sober again.  Two of us realized that sobriety is overrated, and gave one another that knowing glance. You know, the one that makes you look like an arthritic goat trying to remove his hat with two candelabras and a pasta strainer.

Lastly, but not finally, we will be considering the picture used in this post.  The title of the news story strikes me as a perfect metaphor for Western Civilization.  We're all a bunch of nuts, suing ourselves due to the level of weird chemicals, hormones and societal pressures acting upon our brains.  For a self-aware organ,the brain seems to be painfully (to others, mostly) unaware of it's natural ferocity.  I mean this in the sense that the thing we call our self seems strongly weighted towards ironically self-destructive activities.

We are left, hat in hand, pudding in hat, banana in pudding, banana pit in banana, calling a trusted friend and weeping openly about the surreality of the whole thing.  I hate it, but I do it, but I hate you because you do it and that makes me better than you, but I hate myself for doing it, but I love myself for hating it, but you hate me anyway because you hate yourself hating me for knowing you're no better than I whether you actually do it or not, and even if you do do it, who cares?  God cares.

Big Brrother is back in Town

Yes, you heard right. The IllogiGame that debuted way back in January 2008 will be returning at the start of next year as a token of celebrating the 5th Anniversary of our wonderful Wiki. For the first time in four years, 5 lucky users will become housemates in the Big Brrother hoose for around a month, competing in Wiki-based tasks, conversing in the house and trying to round up enough votes to save them from the weekly eviction. This time round everybody (both housemates and the ?pedian public) will have the chance to vote to save their favourite users, with all housemates being up for eviction this week.

So, How do I enter this fabulous competition? , I hear you ask. Well, in the coming weeks I (Ben) will be inviting members of our community to have the chance to compete in 2012's Big Brrother.

Click here to watch the promotional video

New Conservapedia:Back to the Classics?

The True Conservative Encyclopedia has relocated to its old address http://conservapaedia.referata.com, where its editors are again mocking liberals and their obsession with certain subjects that would make your mommy cry. This Outpost may not allow numbers of Islam or editing on the Sabbath, but it is an excellent endeavor. It contains exactly two admins and the author of this post right now, so get off your rears and help build the True Resource.

In other news, the dog ate my research paper on the Overton window.

Also, the rent is WAY too damn high!

But seriously, check the site out.

Public service announcement: Bcbkye still at large

Bcbkye is not the type of person you want to be meeting in everyday life, so it's somewhat disturbing that he turned up earlier this year on opinion site Sodahead. The results were... unspeakable, to say the least.

Perhaps just as scary is the fact a single photograph of this overtly malevolent childrens entertainer currently retails at a whopping $349. Yup, every kid's favourite bloke in make-up has been whoring himself out to PlayClown magazine, and has this week participated in a sordid and rather terrifying photoshoot for said publication. If you're feeling brave enough to see the whole gallery of Bcbkye's evil escapades, click here. Warning: It's very scary and certainly not for the faint of heart.

We would reproduce a couple of Bcbkye's pics here on the Illogiblog, but cannot for obvious reasons. Earlier this month, it was reported that five kids entered cardiac arrest upon hearing Bcbkye utter the words 'I know where you pee'. We simply cannot take the chance that a simple glance at his fizzog will not lead to long term illness and/or agonising death. That, and it would cost Illogicopedia far more than the site is worth. 350 smackers? Ya gotta be joking.

Oh, go on then:
There you go. Oh, and in the unlikely event of the above photo not depicting Bcbkye, one can safely assume it has been replaced with a free use image from Wikipedia because the server owners chickened out. But I can't see that happening. Nope.

99 Bottles of Beer in Urban Mueller's BrainF***

by Ben Olmstead

ANSI C interpreter available on the internet; due to
constraints in comments the address below needs to have the
stuff in parenthesis replaced with the appropriate symbol:

http://www(dot)cats(dash)eye(dot)com/cet/soft/lang/bf/

Believe it or not this language is indeed Turing complete!
Combines the speed of BASIC with the ease of INTERCAL and
the readability of an IOCCC entry!

>+++++++++[<+++++++++++>-]<[>[-]>[-]<<[>+>+<<-]>>[<<+>>-]>>>
[-]<<<+++++++++<[>>>+<<[>+>[-]<<-]>[<+>-]>[<<++++++++++>>>+<
-]<<-<-]+++++++++>[<->-]>>+>[<[-]<<+>>>-]>[-]+<<[>+>-<<-]<<<
[>>+>+<<<-]>>>[<<<+>>>-]>[<+>-]<<-[>[-]<[-]]>>+<[>[-]<-]<+++
+++++[<++++++<++++++>>-]>>>[>+>+<<-]>>[<<+>>-]<[<<<<<.>>>>>-
]<<<<<<.>>[-]>[-]++++[<++++++++>-]<.>++++[<++++++++>-]<++.>+
++++[<+++++++++>-]<.><+++++..--------.-------.>>[>>+>+<<<-]>
>>[<<<+>>>-]<[<<<<++++++++++++++.>>>>-]<<<<[-]>++++[<+++++++
+>-]<.>+++++++++[<+++++++++>-]<--.---------.>+++++++[<------
---->-]<.>++++++[<+++++++++++>-]<.+++..+++++++++++++.>++++++
++[<---------->-]<--.>+++++++++[<+++++++++>-]<--.-.>++++++++
[<---------->-]<++.>++++++++[<++++++++++>-]<++++.-----------
-.---.>+++++++[<---------->-]<+.>++++++++[<+++++++++++>-]<-.
>++[<----------->-]<.+++++++++++..>+++++++++[<---------->-]<
-----.---.>>>[>+>+<<-]>>[<<+>>-]<[<<<<<.>>>>>-]<<<<<<.>>>+++
+[<++++++>-]<--.>++++[<++++++++>-]<++.>+++++[<+++++++++>-]<.
><+++++..--------.-------.>>[>>+>+<<<-]>>>[<<<+>>>-]<[<<<<++
++++++++++++.>>>>-]<<<<[-]>++++[<++++++++>-]<.>+++++++++[<++
+++++++>-]<--.---------.>+++++++[<---------->-]<.>++++++[<++
+++++++++>-]<.+++..+++++++++++++.>++++++++++[<---------->-]<
-.---.>+++++++[<++++++++++>-]<++++.+++++++++++++.++++++++++.
------.>+++++++[<---------->-]<+.>++++++++[<++++++++++>-]<-.
-.---------.>+++++++[<---------->-]<+.>+++++++[<++++++++++>-
]<--.+++++++++++.++++++++.---------.>++++++++[<---------->-]
<++.>+++++[<+++++++++++++>-]<.+++++++++++++.----------.>++++
+++[<---------->-]<++.>++++++++[<++++++++++>-]<.>+++[<----->
-]<.>+++[<++++++>-]<..>+++++++++[<--------->-]<--.>+++++++[<
++++++++++>-]<+++.+++++++++++.>++++++++[<----------->-]<++++
.>+++++[<+++++++++++++>-]<.>+++[<++++++>-]<-.---.++++++.----
---.----------.>++++++++[<----------->-]<+.---.[-]<<<->[-]>[
-]<<[>+>+<<-]>>[<<+>>-]>>>[-]<<<+++++++++<[>>>+<<[>+>[-]<<-]
>[<+>-]>[<<++++++++++>>>+<-]<<-<-]+++++++++>[<->-]>>+>[<[-]<
<+>>>-]>[-]+<<[>+>-<<-]<<<[>>+>+<<<-]>>>[<<<+>>>-]<>>[<+>-]<
<-[>[-]<[-]]>>+<[>[-]<-]<++++++++[<++++++<++++++>>-]>>>[>+>+
<<-]>>[<<+>>-]<[<<<<<.>>>>>-]<<<<<<.>>[-]>[-]++++[<++++++++>
-]<.>++++[<++++++++>-]<++.>+++++[<+++++++++>-]<.><+++++..---
-----.-------.>>[>>+>+<<<-]>>>[<<<+>>>-]<[<<<<++++++++++++++
.>>>>-]<<<<[-]>++++[<++++++++>-]<.>+++++++++[<+++++++++>-]<-
-.---------.>+++++++[<---------->-]<.>++++++[<+++++++++++>-]
<.+++..+++++++++++++.>++++++++[<---------->-]<--.>+++++++++[
<+++++++++>-]<--.-.>++++++++[<---------->-]<++.>++++++++[<++
++++++++>-]<++++.------------.---.>+++++++[<---------->-]<+.
>++++++++[<+++++++++++>-]<-.>++[<----------->-]<.+++++++++++
..>+++++++++[<---------->-]<-----.---.+++.---.[-]<<<]
@

Spotlighting our beloved Silent Penguin or how to find your head with two hands and a flashlight

It's not every day an editor gets spitlighted by another editor, especially an iconoclast of the elk of Silent Penguin.  The Seppy and I were having a heated discussion about whether there is a difference between "nothing" and the number zero.

So, earlier that day, I had grabbed a ReCaptcha phrase (EWxceeed action) and stored it in the doggie poop box, for possible use as an article title. On the back left burner, I had a pot with EWxceeed action simmering on low, while arguing with Seppy about this crucial idea, upon which the very foundations of Illogimedia may or may not depend. 

All of the sudden...

14:13] <@SilentPenguin> data:undefined;base64,/9j/4AAQSkZJRgABAQEASABIAAD//gA7Q1JFQVRPUjogZ2QtanBlZyB2MS 4wICh1c2luZyBJSkcgSlBFRyB2 NjIpLCBxdWFsaXR5ID0gOTUK/9sAQwAFAwQEBAMFBAQE BQUFBgcMCAcHBwcPCwsJD BEPEhIRDxERExYcFxMUGhURERghGBodHR8f HxMXIiQiHiQcHh8e/9sAQwEFBQUHBgc OCAgOHhQRFB4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh 4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eH h4e/8AAEQgC0AIQAwEiAAIRAQMRAf/EAB8AAAEFAQEBAQEBAAA AAAAAAAABAgMEBQYHCAkKC//EALUQAAIBA wMCBAMFBQQEAAABfQECA

So, we wrote  EWxceeed action or the article that wrote itself.  Anything you may have missed here, you will get if you read it. 

The reason it was an article which wrote itself is that I had pasted a huge waste of seemingly random text into the article, and was about to save it, when the computer apparently saved it of it's own will.  Of course, my wife and I prostrated ourselves before the laptop, much to the surprise of our dog, Frunobulax.  Next, I added the part about the article writing itself to commemorate this act of Divine Providence, or something.  

Afterward, I noticed a warning on the top of the page about the size of the file I had just saved, and that some browsers may have trouble with it, and I surmised that somehow this was connected with the providential saving of the file.  Bubble burst, shoulders drooped, I shuffled off into the kitchen to get some ice cream.

This chicken (pictured) has zero heads. That is not the same as saying, "The chicken head is nothing". I win. 

Monopoly.......hours of fun or torture?

Yesterday, my whiny pobrecita of a niece was begging me to play the world's most famous board game with her..... that one with the guy with the funny top hat on the box...... the one that breaks many Supreme Court decisions..... that one? Ah, forget it. I'll look at the top of my post. Monopoly, eh?

I broke out the board only to find that my niece was too busy talking to her boyfriend of the millisecond to play the game she begged me to play with her. Soon after that, he threatened to break my nose when I told her to get off the phone. She (eventually) did, and we started to play. I was none other than the money sack, to symbolize greedy crapitalism. She was the dog, because it was oh-so-cute!

We played for hours on end, accumulating money that you would be tasered for if you tried to spend anywhere else, and streets in Bruce Springsteen's homestate. Bruce would be so proud as I bought the boardwalk, where he probably made out with that prom queen or whatever on.

Anyway, when playing this aging classic, I realized a central truth: Technology is a beautiful new innovation. Because being the Banker took a lot out of me, as it was way too much math. I responded by buying the computer version of Monopoly.

Robots are going to take over the world as we're too lazy to do this crap ourselves. We will rely on these things to take showers, eat, brush our teeth, and just about everything else. If the power goes out during the storm, we're screwed. Good night, and bad luck.

Here I am.....

Here I am, Colonel Sanders, Illogicopedia extraordinare. I have contributed 180 mad ramblings for the site, and am ready to grunt out my insanity on the IllogiBlog as well. I went through a very secret process with the owner of the Blog, Sir Harry Yak. I sent him my private information, namely my email address and social security number. I approved his request, and created an account for the great internet anti-privacy mogul, Google. Wait, they're probably reading this right now! Oh noes! I hear the cop cars!!!!!

Bloody miscreants. As a new blogger, I suppose I should give my mission statement:

I pledge to you, the reader, to publish stuff that doesn't make a shred of sense for your amusement. I will not allow myself to divert into insightful commentary on meaningful things.

Well, that's about it for now. Colonel Sanders signing off, reminding you to eet moar chickun!

A Chicken in need, is a Magnate in deed

This Editor's spotlight shines like a MASER upon the most notorious of our chicken-banana related love stories and self-proclaimed banana-storage Ouroboros.  This dude is sure to sneak up on your article, give is a perusal and tell you why you're nose is the Cheez Whiz. 

Not old enough to have a father that smelled of elderberry, this plucky fellow has the chicken parts in his bosom to pursue a righteous path of Illogic.  By now you know we speak of Colonel Sanders.  Supreme Overlord over yonder, at Simple English Uncyclopedia the ovine crenulator endeavors to smear the planet with the raw craziness that hamstrings his career as a goal tender for Australian Rules Jousting.


Most notable among this avian miscreant's attributes is his superior skills at crushing babies.  Never has the world of competitive baby crushing seen such a cut, regal yet slimy champion, a record breaker among giants in the field.  Please join us on Setemper 9J at the Lowell Memorial Auditorium at the first annual world Class Baby Crushing event, where this fine young man will represent us.

I am not a number, I am a free man!

Our Klingon correspondent TheHappySpaceman, also known as Klingon Man or Dan the Hedgehog, recently woke up with a huge hangover and not remembering what had happened the night before. Luckily, he had his camcorder with him.
"Where am I?"
"In the village."
"What's for breakfast?"
"Buttered scones."
"What do you want?"
"Information."
"Like, what kind of information?"
"Your family cookie recipe."
"You won't get it!"
"By hook or by crook, we will."
"Who are you?"
"The new #2."
"Dare I make a joke about number two having an alternate meaning for dung?"
"No."
"Who is #1?"
"Who the hell knows? Anyway, you're #69."
"I am not a number! I am a free man! Though, that is quite a good selection you made for which number I am..."



Luckily, Dan woke up lying on his couch. Realizing that he had been watching too much of The Prisoner recently, Dan turned on a Star Trek and went back to bed.

Thoughts on thoughts

These thoughts are about weird thoughts.  We all have them sometimes.  I suspect some contributors to Illogicopedia have them more often than some.  Witness Salvador Dali in this picture.  That dude's got some awesomely weird thoughts.  Talking Heads?  More weird thoughts about water at the bottom of the ocean and such. If you're hoping for some deep analysis of the weirdness of people generally and ?pedians specifically, I only say, I am not here to disappoint.  Really, that's all I have to say.

What to do, when you don't know if it's actually a bot

When my email comes in from Anonymous on this blog, I like to file it without reading until such time as I am in the proper frame of mind to savor such dreck.  This particular one, from a fellow named Andreas Rotea, made me wonder, though.  Does any blog rate for this sort of treatment? 

So, I went to check this fellow's site out.  Wowsers!  Andreas could help me  do something I can do myself for low costs.  Inspired, I read everything he had to say. 

I am right here to help get your website off to a great commence. Do not be one of those that wished that they had completed it much better the very first time, then take on the task, and price, of starting above. Your site reflects that which you as well as your organization or pastime are all about.

I'm in a position to provide low-cost, user-friendly, custom made developed internet sites for any broad array of organizations, organizations and teams.Additionally, it shouldn't expense a lot of money to get you began. I'll support guide you by way of the method as well as warn you when i think you may be finding in more than your head, or beyond your spending budget.

Listed here are some hight quality companies for a resonable cost:

Front-End Development
Custom web site design
Affordable web site design
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Website maintenance
Web site re-designs
SEO Services
Logo Design

Please look around the site for further information about the [url=http://www.imsucharetard.com]web designer[/url] services that I am able to offer and to see examples of websites that I have designed

Where do I sign up?!?!  Jesus, there are a million tools on the internet designed to facilitate the distribution of drivel in droves.  Why do I need Andreas? By the way, I didn't use his real name.  Looking at his pidgin web site, he struck me as stupid, self-important and litigious.

Retractable Landing Gear Week

They want us to be distracted.  We're all stupid to them.  We don't lust after the Benz, the private jet... the social games... so, we must be stupid.  So, they make sure we only get to choose the most stupid of the stupid.

There was a time when having a university degree conveyed a good likelihood that you were somewhat well-read, and could manage to discuss things a bit more crucial to the advancement of the species than Budweiser and what the kids want on TV.

We're in a sad state.  What do you want me to tell you?  That being said, we've always been in a sad state.  The pressures I complain of are simply inevitable.  If it weren't this, it would be that.

That being said, I recommend celebrating Retractable Landing Gear Week with aplomb and ashram.  Be classy, tell your neighbor their yard looks nice, wear a tight corset, tutu, gas mask, cowboy hat and cover yourself in Wesson Oil.

YABOS or Yet Another Burden On Society

I suppose it had to happen eventually.  Some weirdo up and decided that what the world needs is more dreck of our ilk in the form of the Illogicomedia  Foundation.  Founded by Cluck Loonie in the year Buckauwk, the illustrious organization claims to be able to predict earthquakes.  Previous attempts have failed capitally, primarily because there have been no previous attempts.  We must thank the Bard for his fevered hallucinatory efforts in this direction, since he did it.  Or rather, maybe we could condemn him as a purveyor of nonsense and such, corrupter of modern youthishness.


Meh... as long as he doesn't get his hands on any plutonium, the captain can say "Make it so" long into the morning hours, without fear of vampire attack. 

While we're on the subject, here's a whoring of my recent article,  Sandwich Demons.

Saturday chicken musings, laced with anger management videos

The Reptilians are definitely increasing in power and influence.  The Bilderbergers are up to their old dirty tricks again, lacing prime time television with anger management video footage, subliminally implanted by Roberto and his allies in the Illuminati. 

At the gym, Reptilians are the ones buying all the steroids and Human Growth Hormone.  Your supervisor at the glue factory is probably a Reptilian. 

This brings me to chickens.  What's with all the chicken related legislation lately?  Americans, Brits, and many other "democracies" are suddenly afflicted with chickeny fears.  It oozes from their pores, mars the complexion... should we, the proletariat, be afraid?  You remember what Uncle Pete did with 8 chickens last week?  I think we're in trouble.

My Friday (disjointed) Thoughts

It's dope, this factuloidism. He didn't amount to much as a mushroom. Yes. No. It didn't matter. What lies? I want out of drinking bizarre potions and making sense. I woke up after another intensive desolate episode with shades of escaping it.

You'll want for gold light in this calaverous county, the sort which shines at the perfect insomnia. Fleas are swarms of truth. There could be stores nearby, and I was going toward the raw primordia that gives birth discretely. Purple had it so cold, black and in the sandman's grasp: the wandering Jew.

A moment unforgettable. I know it's more than festive. Even now, and way back when, everafter, and now and then.

Celebrating the Holy Festival of 5 Bananas

Simply as a matter of convenience, the reunleashing of the IllogiTurtles took place this morning, Eastern Standard Time.  Careening dangerously around corners in their modified golf cart of vengeance, this didactic duo promulgates the Word that is... Illogic (eeble sonk). According to the Book Of All That Be Banana, today is the Holy Festival of 5 Bananas, and we will celebrate accordingly.

First, let me warn readers that they should not approach these messengers from the beyond casually, or at all, if possible.  They can do horrible things with bananas... horrible! 

Secondly, once you start eating the bananas, do not stop until you have consumed 5, or a multiple of 5. Otherwise, Bonjook will be displeased, and will dispatch a minotaur to decapitate your family. 

That's it, then. Happy Holy Feast of 5 Bananas and we'll speak again during Retractable Landing Gear week.

Do you smell that?

Good gravy! The President eats worms! Look at the picture, clear evidence of his deviance.  The well-honed Political Desk at IllogiNews is no doubt covering this story at length, so I won't waste any more of your time with it.

The Illogicopedian Times, an ignoble inside newsletter at ?pedia, has been jump-started again, for those of you who follow such things.  Paris Hilton will grace the cover, posed dead as we'd all love to see her.  Barbara Streisand is interviewed, gives her side of the South Park Mecha-Barbara Streisand debate.  Mel Gibson tells us why he loves ?pedia, despite a dearth of anti-Semitic articles.

The sports section for this issue covers Australian Rules Jousting, a game played on motocross bikes, with lances, grenades and lasers.  This variation on the ancient joust does not allow the wearing of armor, and players must be well-lubricated with hard liquor before the start of play.

Pros and Cons

If any of you out there have played the video game Sonic the Hedgehog, you'll know how the characters from it always defeat the villains and save the day. But have you ever wondered how they would do in real life? Well, our writer and Klingon correspondent TheHappySpaceman has started a new webcomic stating the pros and cons of Sonic characters being your roommates. (And there are actually some major cons.)




You can find more comics on the official Pros and Cons website and on TheHappySpaceman's deviantART page.

Next up is Eggman.