Saturday chicken musings, laced with anger management videos

The Reptilians are definitely increasing in power and influence.  The Bilderbergers are up to their old dirty tricks again, lacing prime time television with anger management video footage, subliminally implanted by Roberto and his allies in the Illuminati. 

At the gym, Reptilians are the ones buying all the steroids and Human Growth Hormone.  Your supervisor at the glue factory is probably a Reptilian. 

This brings me to chickens.  What's with all the chicken related legislation lately?  Americans, Brits, and many other "democracies" are suddenly afflicted with chickeny fears.  It oozes from their pores, mars the complexion... should we, the proletariat, be afraid?  You remember what Uncle Pete did with 8 chickens last week?  I think we're in trouble.

My Friday (disjointed) Thoughts

It's dope, this factuloidism. He didn't amount to much as a mushroom. Yes. No. It didn't matter. What lies? I want out of drinking bizarre potions and making sense. I woke up after another intensive desolate episode with shades of escaping it.

You'll want for gold light in this calaverous county, the sort which shines at the perfect insomnia. Fleas are swarms of truth. There could be stores nearby, and I was going toward the raw primordia that gives birth discretely. Purple had it so cold, black and in the sandman's grasp: the wandering Jew.

A moment unforgettable. I know it's more than festive. Even now, and way back when, everafter, and now and then.

Celebrating the Holy Festival of 5 Bananas

Simply as a matter of convenience, the reunleashing of the IllogiTurtles took place this morning, Eastern Standard Time.  Careening dangerously around corners in their modified golf cart of vengeance, this didactic duo promulgates the Word that is... Illogic (eeble sonk). According to the Book Of All That Be Banana, today is the Holy Festival of 5 Bananas, and we will celebrate accordingly.

First, let me warn readers that they should not approach these messengers from the beyond casually, or at all, if possible.  They can do horrible things with bananas... horrible! 

Secondly, once you start eating the bananas, do not stop until you have consumed 5, or a multiple of 5. Otherwise, Bonjook will be displeased, and will dispatch a minotaur to decapitate your family. 

That's it, then. Happy Holy Feast of 5 Bananas and we'll speak again during Retractable Landing Gear week.

Do you smell that?

Good gravy! The President eats worms! Look at the picture, clear evidence of his deviance.  The well-honed Political Desk at IllogiNews is no doubt covering this story at length, so I won't waste any more of your time with it.

The Illogicopedian Times, an ignoble inside newsletter at ?pedia, has been jump-started again, for those of you who follow such things.  Paris Hilton will grace the cover, posed dead as we'd all love to see her.  Barbara Streisand is interviewed, gives her side of the South Park Mecha-Barbara Streisand debate.  Mel Gibson tells us why he loves ?pedia, despite a dearth of anti-Semitic articles.

The sports section for this issue covers Australian Rules Jousting, a game played on motocross bikes, with lances, grenades and lasers.  This variation on the ancient joust does not allow the wearing of armor, and players must be well-lubricated with hard liquor before the start of play.

Pros and Cons

If any of you out there have played the video game Sonic the Hedgehog, you'll know how the characters from it always defeat the villains and save the day. But have you ever wondered how they would do in real life? Well, our writer and Klingon correspondent TheHappySpaceman has started a new webcomic stating the pros and cons of Sonic characters being your roommates. (And there are actually some major cons.)




You can find more comics on the official Pros and Cons website and on TheHappySpaceman's deviantART page.

Next up is Eggman.

Don't tell me what to do!

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I imagine some of our readers watch Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network, once in a while. It's a collection of "adult" cartoons played between the hours of 10:00pm and 6:00am Eastern Standard Time, catering to a variety of unusual personalities.

Anyway, there's this bump, a little clip that usually is placed between the end of a commercial and the beginning of a show, that has the world's most awful "musicians" ever, doing this song. I've clipped their song's refrain to use as title for this post, since I am getting sick of Illogicopedia telling me what to do.

A warning to Roberto: I've been training with Lance Armstrong.

Roberto has attacked our servers... again. (yawn)

It's that time of year again: the time when the good old hacker Roberto (or Roberta, or Oscar, or whatever the fnurdle he is called) goes out of his way to hack our servers. But this time, he's left more of a mark. Not a permanent scar, I hope, but definitely a mark.

As some of you may have noticed (No shit, Sherlock) the buttons on the top that usually say "Insane page," "Babbling," "Go insane," and "Past frenzies" have been changed to plain old boring "Page," "Discussion," "Edit," and "History." And nothing was spared, either. When I went to petaQ'a'pedia, the tab that usually says "ghItlh" now has been changed to the namespace "tlh." AAAAAAAAA!

So I wondered how Roberto has been taking care of himself financially. I looked it up online, and guess what? He's mentioned in a song.

I'm sure you've all heard of Lady Gaga. But did you know that, for some obscure reason, she mentions Roberto in her song "Alejandro"? Listen to the verses:

Don't call my name, don't call my name, Alejandro
I'm not your babe, I'm not your babe, Roberto

Don't you think that's kind of bizarre? Why would she say Roberto specifically?

Oh yeah, she also mentions cilantro.

Don't bother me, don't bother me, cilantro.

Eh...

We're famous!

The bible of mental disorders, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV), will list a new disorder in the next month's publication.  Illogicopedic Surreality Syndrome AKA Bull Goose Loony Syndrome, a condition brought on by prolonged exposure to Illogicopedia, will be defined as, "a condition whereby the patient experiences articles read at the Illogicopedia wiki web site as a substitute for the "real world". Some symptoms include atypical drooling, incessant reading of Illogicopedia articles, snorting coffee grounds and attempting to use the sphincter as a musical instrument (particularly in imitation of French Horn or mandolin).

Readers should be aware that they might even now be under the influence of Illogicopedicism, and headed down the corridor to a cell, where you get a special jacket and lots of jello.  I don't want to scare anybody, but I'm getting the hell out of the country before the really bad stuff starts.  Good night, and good luck.

Has Uncle Pete hit rock bottom?

After Uncyclopedia's Forest Fire Week 2011, Nerd42 and Kevillips tied for the petaQ'a'pedia logo contest and the discovery of Cheeses, you'd think there couldn't be any more controversies. But then again...

It seems that Uncyclopedia, ?pedia's well-known competitor, has had an error that made all of the pages look like plain old HTML. Not at all like Wikipedia's new look, which is obviously what they wanted it to look like.

Well, we at ?pedia say go get 'em! Anything that takes the heat off of us and Roberto, Roberta, oscar.uncyclomedia.org or whoeverthehellheis is awesome. (Plus I'm still mad at them for huffing all my articles in the Forest Fire Week 2011.)

That reminds me: did you know that Encyclopædia Dramatica is lower than ever?

The Talking Pickle, Part 1

I'm quite chuffed over the results of the Pickle this year. So much so, that I recorded an audio adaptation of my prize-winning entry! So, without further ado:

Diary of a Madman by The-Bard


Here's hoping that my colleague Gruntled, winner of the prestigious Inflatable Hammer, will follow suit and record a version of his winning piece. As we were both decorated news anchors on some other forgettable wiki, I know he's well up to the task.

Sunday Super Spambot Summer Special

As I type, a great chunk of Illogicopedia's userbase will be enjoying their summer holidays, most likely kicking over sandcastles or standing on a beach in their overcoats. Spambots, however, never take a vacation. They're ever alert to the possibility of a quick scam, and will stop at nothing to let it be known that one can purchase bootleg copies of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Alcatraz, or the latest Apple iGadget you wouldn't even dream of buying.

I'll say one thing about the spammers, though. They do seem to love the Illogiblog, and why shouldn't they? Illogicopedia is the perfect website for a bunch of Engrish-babbling half-literates with shady ulterior motives. Er, that's not to accuse anybody of anything, of course.

"35. Magnificent web site. A lot of useful info here. I am sending it to several friends ans also sharing in delicious. And obviously, thanks for your sweat!" -- Online Computer Tradings

Hey, what did I tell you about saying stuff like that on a public forum? If you must know, readers, my top secret underground business flogging bottled sweat has so far been rather successful. By this, I mean the cops have yet to bust me. By the way, if anyone wants any, you know how to contact me...

"Hi,
Yes, really. So happens.
Truden" -- FRGPorn

What's this, a message from the Porn Bureau of the Federal Republic of Germany? Oh no, I've been transported back in time to the mid-80s, where the Berlin Wall still exists and people speak in cryptic verse! Hilfe!

"i conception this was a unreservedly great vocation to peruse. i’ll check favour for new posts by you." -- Roosevelt Dauzart

Coming from such an esteemed person as Roosevelt Dauzart, that's certainly high praise. Or at least, I think it is - this comment might be a job application, for all I know. Whatever the case, thanks for taking the time to leave a message on our blog, ya sad barstool!

"Please prison posting, I unqualifiedly fancy your penmanship." -- Leonia Noris

Ah, alliteration! Alter any aliens at an aquarium. Also, do you fancy my penmanship enough to marry me? No? Well, what if I buy one of your... wait, just what the heck is it you are trying to sell me here, prisons? Man, some of these spambots ought to take a good, long look in the mirror and ask themselves if they are in the right profession.

Shorties (comments to which I could not muster a half-witty response, not that any in the main section were that humorous, but anyway...)

• "Lover, this web site will be fabolous, i just enjoy it" -- Palemona (I'm not your lover, brother)
• "Companion, this fabulous website is undoubtedly fabolous, i merely think itrrrs great" -- Cieszyrad (AKA Tony the Tiger, clearly a 'close friend' of Palemona)
• "hey, your website is excellent. Me appreciate your do the job" -- Zbygniew (Evidently a caveman from a Hannah Barbera cartoon)
• "Racing with car racing games is thrill-filled and gives the real life experience of how it is like" -- One (Erm, no it isn't. I wouldn't use Gran Turismo as a driving test aid. Look where it got me.)
• "Find all that is about News is important." -- Barnard Lindinha (Not always. I find current affairs stand-up comedians relatively unimportant.)
  

That's enough for now, because I get the feeling from the look on your face that you need to go and do something important, like make your dinner.

Workin' for a Gherkin: Pickle winners announced!

The Pickles have been sat maturing in the fridge for just over a week now, so we thought it time for them to be released unto the Illogicopedian public. Mostly because the smell became overbearing to the point they had to be wrapped in chlorine rags on Wednesday (which did nothing to mask the smell, and actually made things worse), but also because we don't like to keep you all waiting. Roberto did his best to thwart proceedings, but we have once again prevailed, much to your credit. That's right, you -- the users of Illogicopedia! Well done to you all. Except you, Akyla2aGN2, you dirty spammer!

Wha? Oh, er, yeah. The results are here, and in the coming hours/days I shall be placing the best entries on VFF for you to decide whether or not they should appear on the front page. You can spot the Pickle VFFs by the little jar of pickles in the top right of the voting template. Now go and do it, tights dog compels you!

Membership Drive Draws to a Close

Well, Howdy Pardners,

Well, it's that time of year again—the time when we pull off our boots and gloves (and probably those of any nearby folks we can hog-tie) so we can reckon a full headcount of the number of mangy varmits; lazy, swindling cokepokes; and ornery, no good galoots that signed up this week to rustle articles over yonder at the Double-? Ranch.

Wow. Only one paragraph in and I'm completely sick of the cowboy vernacular.

Anyway, here are the statistics from our Semi-Annual Triangle Ring Membership Drive:

SpamBots	Sockpuppets	Actual Users
MishelbWOR1 Mishel8oo7 AkylaQaisH AnnaM7uR PodpolerirY Akylaikln Puwok2008yPf1 PodpoleKGkf5 Akyla2aGN2 AkylagSosu MishelcoOPB Puwok2008jttg Puwok2008R8oN AngelSlayerfreHY PodpoleTH1m Akylan9Rp Akyla29U1H PodpolejrZm AkylaYYXK	Arrhythmia Dr. Skullhumper	Juan / Quan Witty Phantom ICameHereInACloche
19	2	3½

All in all, greater than the numbers we'd projected.

The SpamBots were far and away the most prolific article writers, though we've observed a significant decline in the quality of their humour. Sadly, they were all sent to the gallows and their articles to the abattoir. The socks provided much more interesting content, though it too was mostly deleted (for tax reasons) and their accounts burned (because we were concerned some of you sillies might mistake them for actual users).

So, our three n00bies of the week: ICameHereInACloch, who we hope will make a first edit sometime very soon; Juan/Quan, who despite having a split personality does have one edit (redirecting Quan to Juan); and Witty Phantom who by virtue of writing a full article is a shoo-in for Illogicopedian of the Month.

Thank you, everyone!

More idol threats

As the idol of millions (of bacteria, parasites et. al. living in my body, depending on my continued existence for their continued existence), my major life's decisions become a concern to multitudes.  I am extremely important, obviously.  That is why I and my dependents are concerned that I am considering joining the Army.  Being reduced to this simple blog to channel my evil machinations, cut off from Illogicopedia, so to speak, I fear my "talent" are being wholly wasted.  This fear has manifested itself in tentacle growth, psychic activity, localized earthquakes and other disturbing phenomenon.  The neighbors, I suspect, are beginning to suspect something, I think.

Younch notwithstanding, aliens are also making a nuisance of themselves.  The space kind, I mean to say.  There's a bunch of them that gather weekly, the next street over.  They pretend to play music with instruments, possibly rock and roll, but are so awful it's an obvious cover for invasion planning sessions.

Regional finals for the Olympic trials in the 8 meter downhill speed pooping event are being held at the local minor league baseball stadium here, just across the river from here.  I'll be able to hear the announcer, chatting about poop and sports, and feel like, nothing has really changed.

A personal note to Roberto

Oh, you're leading us a merry chase indeed,  Roberto!  We've caught on to your trick, leaving false tracks with your cute little "kitty geta".  Know this, arch-foe... Illogicopedia Special Forces, among them myself, The Bard, a certain Yak, Carl from next door and something over 41 Nerds are in hot pursuit.

And when we catch you, boy, you'll only wish we'd waterboard you.  Among our band is a specialist in 88 types of urethra-based tortures.  Oh, we have plans for you, Roberto.  Be very afraid.



Unless... you let me upload pictures again.

Roberto? Why do you hate us so?

I am convinced that Karl Rove (pictured, note the glow about him, caused by interference from a Holy Ghost Armor System) is in league with the Devil and Roberto.  The mission, of course, is to irritate ?pedians.  Working on an article that, if I do say so myself, is brilliant, I was halted from uploading a hilarious 'shopped picture to finish it off.

Here he is, pictured in his sinister Mouseketeering attire, expounding on the proliferation of owl pellets on his front porch.  Picture the rotund, ridiculous little man listening to My Morning Jacket because he heard them on Family Guy and thought it would make him look cool.  No, Mr. Rove, you are certainly not cool, nor is there any potential, given the finite time during which the universe is capable of sustaining the existence of such a life form as Karl Rove, for you to be cool.  Give it up, sir.  You have failed.