Super Mario 64: A Boatload of Hubris

So yeah, since I don't have any coursework to do, or a life of sorts, I spent my Christmas vacation playing Super Mario 64. I made it to the top tower. I then stopped playing and asked myself some very deep philosophical questions: Why would Bowser kidnap Peach when a shiny ring would do the job much better? Why does Mario wear a hat? Why isn't Luigi in this game? So I then came up with a few "answers"

Bowser is a cheapskate and can't afford to woo Peach with expensive gifts, so he shows Peach his "l33t kidnapping skillz" (quote from my Uncle Ben). Mario's hair is too ugly. Luigi was probably too busy trying to find a mansion.

The point is: this post doesn't have a point and Mario is a tired title that will never receive any sort of innovation. They're Making Mario Party 9 for the Wii, for crying out loud! 9 of them stupid mini-game filled games with a few boards to make it look complete? And another Paper Mario for the 3DS? Talk about 2011 movies relying too much on sequels; nobody mentions this!

On a lighter note, my grandfather saw me playing Super Mario 64 on Christmas and told me how great the graphics are!

Wish me luck on ?Pedia's contest thingy; I'm bound to fail!

Mitt Romney: The Inevitable

Willard Mitt "Danger" Romney is a guy we don't hear about too often, because he's doesn't quote Pokemon movies and doesn't share a name with a reptile. However, he is deeply disliked by many people, including Mitt Romney. Yes, that's right. Romney loathes himself, partly due to the poor job his wife did dying his hair. If Herman Cain is Black Walnut, Romney must be plain vanilla. Seriously. Dang it!

So, yeah, this guy makes Barney look like a Grand Theft Auto thug.

This is probably breaking my contract, since I'm writing something about this, but I can't come up with better material.

"Isn't his hair sooooooooooooooo dreamy"? -- My mother

Christmas: Not my least unfavorite time of year

The pagan holiday that was adopted by followers of some guy was celebrated two days ago by millions and millions of ignoramuses who don't realize the intent. America has been in a deep recession for I-don't-know-how-long, and the corporations were hungry for more money since the geeks and yuppies at the mall didn't supply enough money on Black Friday after freezing their britches off, economists speculate. The sales were poorer then expected, since Nintendo, Sony, or Microsoft didn't unleash a new gadget to make parents burn their hard-earned money and the government stopped production of lightbulbs for Easy-Bake ovens. It was a win for corporations, since they got their yearly dough to pay for the CEO's third solid gold toilet. They are now selling leftover Christmas crap for New-Years. And preparing for Valentines Day, my most unfavorite time of year. So, yeah, I got some crap for Christmas that was produced by Laotian boys in shops. Oww, where's the light?

2011: A Retrospective -- Part Two

Hope you're enjoying this look back upon significant Illogican events of 2011, and if not, you can always go and play on that Nintendo Game and Watch you got for Christmas. See if you can get past the third level before your train journey ends for an extra bonus. The ticket collector will still ask to see your pass at the next station, though. Anyway, we now conclude 2011: A Retrospective.

The month of May began with big news - Obama bin Laden was dead. A good job, too, because we wouldn't have had much to write about otherwise. This brief obsession with the world's most famous IT Crowd viewer soon faded as the ever-reliable one-hit wonder Squidman was on hand to provide an appropriately zany alternative to heavy real-world political issues. Also, tl;dr.

It wasn't long, however, before the Illogicopedia became immersed in a good old fashioned bit of drama, inevitable fallout from the aforementioned demise of Encyclopedia Dramatica. More Roberto rolling sparked a new debate over the state of the wiki, but it was more humorous Bob-bashing than anything, and the usual madness soon resumed.

New-found activity prompted the long-awaited return of an old favourite, the Illogic Pickle. Not only did a fresh generation of users get to experience the thrill of a well-placed pickle poking, but the variety of decent entries provided front page content for months to come. As many suspected, it was indeed an elaborate plan to further increase activity, a fact revealed in centre-left tabloid the Illogicopedian Times some months later. Mwahahah! I mean wait, what?

The Illogiblog saw a huge increase in submitted articles during the month of Jumbly. A massive 34 posts --that's more than one for each day of the month, for those of you who can only count to 33-- passed through the text editor quicker than a Christmas curry as Illogiblog's newest correspondent, Sensei Gruntled, went into potassium-induced overdrive. Smurfs: Hardcore and Doctor Who Saves Illogicopedia were among the veritable bullion store of Gruntled Gold during the spring of 2011, which more than made up for the usual post-Pickle recession.

Talk of Reptilian invasions and Illogicopedia's latest spammer influx lasted until late summer, as the Illogicopedian membership drive continued apace with a steady stream of ten spambots per month providing juicy content for the recently revived Nose Collection. Ah, where would we be without those guys? The block log would only be half as interesting if it weren't for the likes of Hellsmasher83 and Pablo, who truly are the real heroes of Illogicopedia. They may be mindless automatons, but at least they care enough about the site to actually post on it, unlike certain slackers.

In the latter part of the year, the once-popular Illogicopedian Times experienced a comeback in an all-new, fancy wikified form. This editorial, the latest in a long line of Illogicomedia projects, provided a competent competitor to Uncle Pete's own newspaper-style thing, and built up quite a readership before going on hiatus. Shortly after, The Illogicomedia Foundation unveiled its brand new website, a blatant ripoff of that Wikimedia thing, but who the heck cares? Well, Jimbo, actually.

Under control of Pickle Winner and Mr Uncle Pete 'The' Bard, the site immediately made a huge impression on wikisphere politics with intense debates on such topics as who should put the micro pizza in the microwave. Much like Commons discussions, then.

And so the year began to wind down. Activity continued to trickle through the Illogicopedia Pipeline like a leaky tap, with minor discussions on annual holidays giving way to a small ripple of activity as news of yet another person of political influence bit the dust in dignified fashion. Funny how a supposed 'non-political' wiki has touched on so many real-world issues in 2011, isn't it?

2011: A Retrospective -- Part One

Despite what certain Illogicopedian old-timers might tell you, 2011 has definitely (or as many illiterates will have believe, 'defiantly') been the best and most interesting so far. Well, if you count finding a can of still in date meatballs previously lost at the back of a cupboard interesting, you'll no doubt love this retrospective. Maybe. Whatever the case, let's get this thing (t?)rollin' so we can all enjoy the rest of our Christmas holidays.

A small revival of the Illogicopedia Podcast, courtesy your old friend Nerd42, ushered in Jeremy 2011. It was five times better than the previous edition and got the year off to a cracking start with some suitably nonsensical article readings and a wet T-shirt contest. Dangit, we shoulda made that one a vidcast... Anyhow, more Illogicast goodness would follow in June, making 2011 the year in which most episodes have been produced to date.

Speaking of multimedia ventures, 2011 also saw the first feature-length movie based on an Illogicopedia article. The colourful life of Wallace Intrube hit the small screen in the early part of the year in The Intrube Dynasty, a 40-minute epic based on the mass literature found on Illogicopedia. The article itself would later receive recognition as an Illogicopedia featured article on 7 August, a deserved accolade for one of the site's most notable series, and a sure-fire way to protect the site from Austrian Mafia attacks.

Though February was a relatively quiet month (leading to such intellectual forum topics as this), the battle for Illogicopedian of the Month was hotting up. Mr Berty edged out the ever-popular Athyria and Nerd, who would have to wait a little while longer for his moment in the spotlight. Well he didn't actually win it at all in 2011, but hey, with a new year comes new opportunities. That is, if we aren't all dead before the best part of 2012 is over. If it's any consolation, Nerd, you did create the site, which places you on a par with Illogia and other such Illogicopedian gods.

But all was not well in the wiki world. Just when you thought the humour wiki had had its day... Encyclopedia Dramatica went and closed down. Yes, the guys behind the popular meme-bashin', Uncyclo-trollin' Roberto collaborators went and transformed the place into a semi-humorous Know Your Meme-esque 'research' blog, much to the chagrin of thousands, nay, millions. ED rose from the ashes shortly after, with an unauthorised fork appearing somewhere round about the Internet's buttcrack, but it was a huge PR blow for wiki-dom. Well never mind, it was all worth it in the end for we received the quite aptly named (though less so these days) ex-Dramatican Another n00b, who went on to win IOTM for April.

Off the back of a bit more Illogicopedia downtime (prompting brief rants on the hosting situation once more), it was discovered that Roberto had enlisted the help of his extended family to bring down not only Illogico, but half the wikisphere as well. Roberta, Bert and Robbie conspired to ensure a fallow period just when you thought Illogicopedia was on the up again. Still, at least the online chatbots were around to offer some consolation and cheap material for the Illlogiblog.

With our spring holidays suitably ruined, we all skulked off to a dark corner of the web. As Illogicopedians found solace in good old Uncle Pete, they clubbed together to ensure the newly-written article on Illogicopedia was promoted to featured status. One could say it's a victory for Illogicopedian sensibilities, but since the vast majority of people who voted for it were ?pedians themselves, I suggest ballot-rigging. Don't ya just love democracy? The next step is, of course, persuading Wikipedia to do the same, though they won't even let us create the article. Blasted notability guidelines! Oh well, maybe next year, eh?

Joyous Commercial Conformity Period, comrades!

A quick glance over at our home-printed calendar --the one with a faded picture of the dog with a Santa hat (damn my ailing 1996 dot matrix printer)-- tells me it's Christmas Eve.

My alternative advent calendar (pictured right, photo taken some three weeks ago) was exhausted on 2 December, so I have been unable to keep track of time effectively for quite a while now. Admittedly, this is mostly because I have been drunk for the best part of four weeks. Which reminds me, let me know anything, anything at all, that happened during the period 27 November-23 December, for I seem to have misplaced my grandfather clock.

Right, I'm off to do important stuff, like buy some reeeally last-minute presents from the petrol station, because I know none of you will actually be reading this message on 24 December. You'll be tucked up in bed waiting for some bloke with severe insantaty to throw himself down your chimney so you can knee him in the gonads, of course!

So to all a good night, and remember to spare a moment and think about the true meaning of Christmas... the presents. My goodness, the presents! Merry Christmas.

Ten awesome deleted article summaries from 2011

Illogiblog has scoured almost 1,000 deleted articles to bring you this, a completely pointless list you will probably find totally unfunny. Yep, as outlined in plain English (as opposed to Palin Egnlish) by the post title, here's a selection of one-liners offered as article deletion reasons by Illogicopedia administrators in 2011. Look now upon their beauty, for one shall never clap eyes on such a sublime collection of painfully humourless and often cheesy quips. At least until we do a similar post, anyway. Bring it on down!

18:56, 10 Jeremy 2011 Athyria (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "This article is meant to be a policy violation" ‎ (This lack of a proper deletion reason is meant to be a policy violation.)

• Agh, the meta-ness is overpowering...

02:44, 31 Jeremy 2011 Athyria (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "Bear Cavalry" ‎ (FIGS aside, what is this, that you are so insistent? Perhaps we can... talk...? On a talkpage? Meantime, keep this up; I like deleting things. It makes me feel important.)

• Idle conversation is for wimps. Too much chatting, not enough narcissistic deletionism.

06:00, 14 Farbleum 2011 Readmesoon (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "Benefits of Getting Free Insurance Quotes Online 25979" ‎ (something about poop. quote me on that. )

• Yeah, I just did - quote you, that is. Aren't I badass?

22:15, 11 Arche 2011 Hindleyite (Talk | contribs | ) devoured "Boner" ‎ (Denzel Washington demands the removal of this article)

• Only included because I'm incredibly vain and because I like to insert Denzel's name into random deleted article summaries.

16:49, 18 Aym 2011 Hindleyite (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "The way to Setup some sort of Shopping Cart Solution on a Website" ‎ (Monkey ass juice. In other words, spam.)

• Oh come now, that's just disgusting. How could you say such a thing... erm, myself? *Clears throat*

12:49, 25 Jumbly 2011 Hindleyite (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "Black Sabbath" ‎ (I take back what I said about the spambots. They have no sense of humour.)

• Sacrilege! Alright, that's enough of my own stuff for now. This isn't "Hindleyite's Best Ever Article Deletion Summaries From 2011".

03:36, 11 Serpeniver 2011 Athyria (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "Buy effexor 150mg cheap - effexor not working - citalopram vs effexor" ‎ (That's nice. I'll consider it.)

• The very next day, Athyria was found under a bridge playing marbles with tramps. She had a five-foot beard.

19:14, 26 Octodest 2011 Athyria (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "Call of Duty" ‎ (I hate to inform you that we actually do have quality standards. Sort of.)

• We have rules? Well, that's news to me and I've been visiting Illogicopedia for five years.

13:59, 30 Novelniver 2011 Hindleyite (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "Party Pills Australia" ‎ (Giving Aussies a bad name)

• Yes, I'm fully aware this one sucks, but I only had nine good ones and I had to make it up to ten somehow.

17:49, 6 Ditzimber 2011 Athyria (Talk | contribs | block) devoured "File talk:Chicken of the sea.png" ‎ (Automated text forms remind me of what I hold dear.)

• Proof that Illogicopedia can be as emotional as a chick flick.

You can find more of the same on the actual devoured pages list, from which this post is sourced.

Top ten vandal names of 2011

Oh look, it's a car, and it drives! Probably.

Well, would you look at that? Before we've had time to even start watching the DVD release of CSI: Slough Season One --let alone move on to the director commentaries--, 2011 is almost over and the fabled End of Times one year closer. But don't despair, for the Illogiblog is here to brighten up your day with its annual look back upon the events of the previous twelve months of madness at the Nonsensical Encyclopedia. We're sure you'll enjoy 2011: A Retrospective. That is, if you are a fan of snarky cynicism and ham-fisted attempts at 'humour' (pah, that Harry Yack bloke can't even create hyoomer).

Enough barrel-scraping self deprecation, for first up we have some vandals to name an' shame.

1. Aleksandr Lukashenko - comedy account given a comedy ban (for a 'lack of decorum', no less), perhaps the most creative of all time, on January 8.
2. Pablo - Roberto's Spanish cousin, perhaps?
3. He woo cannot be Usernamed - Aww, why do the vandals have to pinch all the best usernames?
4. TWELTH - a self-proclaimed Satanist and all-round rotter, he once gave Athyria a wet willie. Unsurprisingly, he was banned forever.
5. PAGE MOVE VANDUL - possibly a sock of the above, a man with so much time on his hands that he felt the need to vandalise a crummy old Uncle Pete spinoff with less than ten regulars. Next time he shall think twice before defacing Encyclopedia Dramatica...
   
6. ACarThatDrives - my own personal pick of the bunch. Name taken from actual conversation overheard on dealership forecourt: "I would like a car that drives, please."
7. TheWindows2000Guy - not necessarily a bad guy, as (s)he actually created a couple of good faith articles. Indeed, they were unblocked soon after the initial ban. But just who is the Windows 2000 guy? Microsoft Sam?
   
8. Wango - cousin of the Wonga bloke and namesake of a popular Milton Bradley board game.
9. Potato - presumed sockpuppet of the above and Uncyclopedia freedom fighter. Well, from his name I guess he was sent from Uncle Pete to destroy the banana.
10. Hellsmasher83 - creator of a spam article that actually survived, which automatically places him above the reams of generic spammers such as DavidJerez1847 and the like. Spambot programmers need to read a jokebook.
    

More block log related fun can be experienced at ban summary central, which documents some of the best one-liners ever to have graced the pages of Illogicopedia. All your favourite admins are included, and some of your least favourite as well.

Oh yeah, and if you're experiencing deja vu, this is probably why.

Illogicopedia at 5: Eight Great Illogicopedian Feuds

Picking fights is supposed to be discouraged at Illogicopedia, but for one reason or another we all seem to love the associated drama. I'm not suggesting we change the site's name to flamefestopedia.com (we don't have the money for a start) but in its five year history, Illogicopedia has had more than its fair share of Richard Heads. Oh sorry, we're talking about feuds aren't we? Sorry about that, but it wouldn't be an Illogiblog post if I stayed on subject for more than a paragraph, would it?

1. Subbuteo vs. Super Japan. A war of words between Illogicopedia's greatest international superpowers, the Subbuteo-SuperJapanese conflict dominated the early years of the wiki. On the one side, the home of every superhero ever to exist. On the other, a nation of crazies whose greatest passion is roasted grilled marinaded bay leaves with sushi. A recipe for trouble, you would assume, but this particular battle fizzled out quicker than a particularly bad Korean firework. Though no peace treaty was drawn, apathy took over and the combatants went home for coffee and biscuits before a single physical blow was dealt.

2. Silent Penguin vs. Flameviper. Illogicopedia's single greatest exponent of vanity --oh sorry, I meant conflicts of interest-- was a source of much early Illogicopedian 'drama'. Perhaps the most memorable moment of this feud was a YouTube video featuring said serpent mocking Silent Penguin (amongst others) in a cod-British accent. The resultant 'Soylent Penguin?' comments could easily have been Illogimeme fodder, had the site cared for such things, but users were more engaged in post whoring on the ?pedia Proboards forum.

3. Illogicopedia vs. Uncyclopedia. Illogicopedia readily accepts its position as an Uncyclo 'spin off', but many at good old Uncle Pete regard the Nonsensical Encyclopedia as a childish experiment in monkey cheese and banana fish. This has, unsurprisingly, led to the odd Uncyclopedian crusade to destroy Illogico. None have been even moderately successful, though there was that time Silent Penguin's had his haddock stolen by drunks from the Departure of Fun. Oh, what a jolly jape that was!

4. Illogicopedia vs. Wikia. As long as Illogicopedia has existed, its users have had gripes with its host. The site first set up camp at Editthis, ran on a server in some guy's shed, which was highly prone to leaking rainwater-related downtime. When Illogicopedia persuaded wikihost big boys Wikia to take them under its wing, many rejoiced.

But time proved Wikimedia's newest bessie mate wasn't necessarily all it was cracked up to be. Cue bickering and complaining, which escalated into full-on rage when Wikia introduced forced skin changes in 2008. Illogico bid farewell to their host of more than a year, but not before a series of angry, unprintable exchanges with bigwigs as resolution talks completely disintegrated. Illogicopedia would have to leave, and in November found a new host in the form of Carlb, who to this day continues to provide Illogicopedia with a warm, welcoming home.

5. Illogicopedia vs. Avril Troll. A curious case, this. Avril Troll began his ?pedia career as a vandal expressing his extreme love for a certain Canadian songstress (no, not Alanis Morissette, you muppet) in no uncertain terms. In a moment of wiki-Stockholm Syndrome, however, he vowed to do good and join the ranks of Illogicopedia as a full paid-up member of the establishment... and then promptly went back to his old ways, terrorising the site like never before. Are we dumbos or what? In his time as a do-gooder, his best work was probably The Terminator, but a great many of his non-vandalistic contributions were actually top notch.

6. Athyria vs. Noob. During 2011, Poor Athyria had the unenviable task of mopping up the sticky mess left by countless spammers on their salt-fuelled rampages through the streets (and fridges) of Illogiland. What she didn't bargain for was Illogicopedia's latest noob, the aptly named Another n00b, Jumbly's newest arrival. In a protracted war, Athyria blocked n00b seven times for a variety of reasons including Arson, Fraud and littering. Though n00b is a largely reformed character, one senses this battle might spill over into 2012, so watch this space. Or Illogicopedia, whatever.

7. Illogicopedia vs. Roberto. Every Illogicopedian has, at one time or another, suffered at the hands of the evil Roberto. Nope, not that bloke off Fresh Prince of Bel Air --I think that was Alfonso Ribeiro-- but some unemployed hick from Texas with nothing better to do than vandalise a small-time, "backwater wiki only regulars care about" (Athyria). In his reign of terror, the faceless vandal everybody loves to hate has been responsible for 96% of all downtime since June 2008, and even brought Uncyclopedia and Wikipedia to their knees in the Great Wiki Crash of March 2010. As punishment, he was made to eat his own beard, but that didn't stop him - nothing can. Except perhaps... health food? Hand me my trusty banana...

8. The Member Coalition vs. Good Taste. 'Membergate': One man's own attempt to extol the merits of toilet humour, Cockbeast (named after a chicken, of course), ignited a huge debate over Illogicopedian taste standards in early 2010. Thankfully, this period of bickering didn't last too long, and served the important purpose of injecting activity into the wiki once more. If one looks closely enough, one can still see faint remnants of what was a short but intense altercation that truly split opinions.

Read more about some of these subjects in this Illogicopedia article on the subject of, erm, Illogicopedia.