Won't you please work for food?

Admittedky Illogicopedia isn;t the literary outlet for eeeryvody. Ah, forgot my glasses... there, that's better.  So, for instance, one might claim they saw bigfoot in the garage using a belt sander.  What does one do with that?  ?pedia is one possible outlet for the impulse to write such dreck.

So, if like my Malaysian friends, you are, "up with your froggies on the amber market", so to speak, then create an "IF-THEN" control structure in your own life.  Think of it as purging your demons and getting free lectures from Tony Robbins. 

So, if you find yourself in need of a good hyena blazing during these, the coming dog days, then please come on over to IllogicoPedia and lay some crappy crap on us, baby.

Semi-Annual Illogicopedia Membership Drive

Well, it's that time of year again—the time when our brethren and sistren at another, unnamed competing wiki, burn scores of unloved articles to the ground during their bimonthly Forest Fire Week event. If you're a lover of great illiterature, that means that in all likelihood you'll be mourning the loss of a loved one, or a loved one's loved one, by early next week.

That said, this is a fortuitous time to remind you that here at Illogicopedia we have a more generous eye toward total quality. Our dedicated volunteer administrators and support staff can really sense the affection you feel for your compositions, so we're willing to stand back and provide adequate berth to allow your writings to come to their full fruition.

Granted, in most cases this will lead to them accumulating mold, termites or dry rot, falling into disfavour, disuse and disrepute, and eventually fading away into complete obscurity... but at least they'll still be there to show your children someday: "My God did I really write that? I'm truly sorry. It was a phase I was going through, apparently. This is why I've pushed you so hard to get a good education."

Criticism. Rejection. We understand. It hurts less when it comes from yourself.

Our annual membership drive begins in full force on Monday, but Ops will be standing by starting this Friday, waiting to welcome you home at illogicopedia.org. Be sure to ask for your complimentary welcome template. Supplies are limited.

27,000 smackers down the pan. Cheers, Wikipedia

Dear Wikimedia Foundation,

It's all your fault. Why did you have to crash mere hours before my final paper on Advanced Illiteracy? My whole university education is riding on your provision of articles 24/7 for me to copy-paste into this 200-word preparatory dissertation, and you can't even function correctly?

Refer to the below image as incontrovertible proof of your misdeeds.


Because of your incontinence incompetence, I shall most likely fail and resort to utilising Illogicopedia as a source. It will get me a higher grade, but it's hardly worth it when you're reduced to nicking poorly constructed jokes from a bunch of college drop-outs with a grasp of humour that would make even [name removed] wince. And I hate that idiot. Always rambling on about how it's his predecessor's fault and he's the greatest thing since the portable particle accelerator.

As compensation, I suggest you employ me to research and insert 'facts' to prominent articles. I demand five times minimum wage or my head lecturer will hear about it. And you know who that is? Well, neither do I, but he has some pretty high-ranking contacts in the world of server sabotage, or something.

Consider this a threat,

Peter T. Pearson Esq.

Illogicomedia acquires oceanic circulation

Following in the footsteps of super-sensational Black Metal band Metalocalypse, researchers at IllogicoLabs have developed an effective media delivery system for fishes. 

Says Dr. Zinbat Calliflorensia of IllogiLabs LLC, "By far the greatest challenge was to adapt bananas with seaworthy gills." 

We are adopting a modified Microsofteseque Blitzkrieg methodology with which to quickly and massively saturate the markets in all major oceans and seas.  Although holding an initial monopoly on marine fish as an audience, we realize that alone will not guarantee far-reaching success and permanent world domination potential.  That is why we have acquired a fleet of decommissioned Soviet submarines.  If necessary,  we can interfere with merchant shipping long enough to focus our fleet of laser shark satellites on cowboys.

Stop and smell the coffee

We had another successful mission last night.  Across the street by the old hospital parking lot, we put up these fliers in the interest of furthering our illogical agenda.  This morning we went back, and lots of tabs were taken.

In a fantasy life, each of those slips of paper will make it's way into a church or government institution, left to molder and subtly infiltrate the brainpans of innocent and guilty alike.  Some day, we tell ourselves, those so-called normal people will have to take a back seat to the BULL GOOSE LOONY.

It's like an itch you can't burn with a butane plumbers torch.  Nobody expects anything more than obscure references to Igor Stravinsky and his plan to rule Europe and North Africa. 

Food that eats you

Maybe scarier than Jaws

So, I went to the Asian market the other day to buy some stuff.  A squirt gun to piss off my cats, some lottery tickets, a basketball and the old Fiat X 1/9 wheels in the window was on my shopping list.  Then I started thinking about food.

I like banjo music a lot, so I grabbed cans randomly in two different aisles.  Most of the stuff was vaguely fish-related, as were a couple of dozen bottles of assorted sauces and magical powders.

So, I get home and unpacked the groceries, separating things by likelihood that I would eat the contents.  Opening cans in order, three in, I came across this vaguely crocodilian face, snapping its jaws and trying to eat me. As excited as I am about an Extended Illogic Pickle, I feel that a reptile jumping from your food, trying to kill and eat you, would make a much more badassed award.  Just sayin'

Illogiblog bumper summer spam crop

It is my considered opinion that we should henceforth cease editing Illogicopedia and leave generation of content to the Spambots. These days, they're among the most randumb, gibbering and downright silly creatures contributing to the project, a pleasant reminder of the kind of content we were churning out in years past. Makes you wonder if the likes of Quagsire and Zerotrousers have returned to their illogical routes and become spam machine programmers. Don't believe me? Then check these out.

"T was a specimen of what she had to expect.
But miss pecksniff really had fainted away.
Rs todgers! Said charity, jinkins! I am afraid there must be some." -- sligillatiaky

How wonderful, a profound piece of poetic prose if ever I saw one. Apart from the bit about Rs todgers, which kind of spoils things with risqué double-entendre. Hmm, maybe I expect too much from what is essentially a series of 1s and 0s arranged in semi-intelligent fashion.

"Damned cooperative, I determination definately be returning because i set out on my consequent after task." -- wholesale Hawks jerseys

Yeah, those blasted cooperative people! I hate them, with their jovial nature and ability to remain sensible in the most irrational of situations. Nice alliteration there, Hawky, but you need to consult your bot dictionary a few more times. After which time, return for yet more punishment.

"You have made a very nice blog. Your texts is extremely good content. It would be super with a widget like Facebook like bottom." -- Dolasetsgog

High praise indeed from the mighty Dolasetsgog, there, and an opinion on Facebook with which most would agree. Wait, was that last word supposed to read 'button'? Who knows.

"Wow! This site looks exactly like my old one! It’s on a entirely different topic but it has pretty much the same layout and design. Excellent choice of colors!" -- IrrambCoork

If you are accusing me of pinching your old design scheme, you are very much mistaken, sir. I mean, what do robots know about web design? If the internet were built by spambots like you, I daresay we'd all have gone back to teletext by now.

"41. Wonderful work! This is the type of info that should be shared around the web. Shame on Google for not positioning this post higher! Come on over and visit my site. Thanks =)" -- cigarettes buy online

So, trying butter me up, are you? Well, it isn't gonna work, because I'm afraid I don't smoke. Though I agree with you on the Google thing, I feel you just made that up to persuade me to purchase your ill-gotten goods. 4,951.

Quickies

• "Where exactly is the facebook like link?" -- Edwardo (It's here)
• "Hi there, I ethically like reading your posts, offer you!" -- buy swarovski (Cheers, it isn't often Illogiblog is described as 'ethical'.)
• "k4q2cy5mwljb" -- Vernice Goltra (...the piggie is in the pokey. I repeat: the piggie is in the pokey...)
• "Do you offer new bloggers the chance to write on your blog? I would love to be a contributing author." -- Hinger games trailer (Yes, we do accept new editors, but you simply aren't random enough for the Illogiblog. Please don't ask again.)

I'll close this post with a quite apt comment from How to Unlock IPhones (what kind of a name is that, anyway?).

"Thanks for another excellent post. Keep rocking."

You should get that rash looked at...

Harry Potter and the Mall-walkers of Doom, the latest dollop of the franchise, is being filmed in Katmandu, Nepal starting August 25 this year. Executive producer Danika Patrick told Illoginews recently in an exclusive interview that, "I'm so gassed at the prospect of doing the first film in spoken Klingon."

Also coming so to select theaters is instant scifi classic Greek Laser Bunnies From Space, an actioner with the Olsen twins starring as a gigantic pink gift bunny, Jerry Garcia as himself and Adam West as a fast talking, speedo wearing, ray gun wielding antihero with a god complex. Because director Kurt Yudfnorch refused to stop calling little people midgets, a last minute substitution of Masai warriors were called in to play the Ewoks, a surprisingly good decision.

Is Illogiblog really that bad?

It has come to our attention here at Illogiblog that reading much of the content here is a lot like being sprayed by owl vomit. Well, not vomit precisely, but whatever is in the picture (right), it's certainly more than just water. So, if that's what my writing is doing to you, poor dear readers, I say, "What's wrong with you, subjecting yourself to such drivel? Are you some kind of lab experiment with an inconceivable tolerance for crap?!"

In back country Finland, watching owls projectile vomit is considered a sport. Villages compete for distance records, number of horks per event, number of humans caused to throw up because of the spectacle and other obscure and untranslatable awards having to do with lots of snow and caribou.

Well, I don't know about you, but I learned something today.

Attention: Illogic Pickle extended

Calling all potential participants of the Illogic Pickle Party! Due to unforeseen circumstances, the deadline for Illogicopedia's premier writing contest has been extended by one week. You now have until midnight UTC on 29 Jumbly 2011 to assemble your abomination for presentation to the judges. So, get pickling today!

If the site continues to run slowly we may further extend the deadline to allow more entrants, but for the time being, assume 29 Jumbly to be the final date. So yeah, ignore this paragraph. And the following one, for it too contains mistruth.

Fried pickles taste better than battered, buttered onion. There are thirteen people living on the moon. Gordon Bennett was the fifth Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. My butt aches.

Illogicopedia implicated in News of the World phone hacking scandal

Internet website Illogicopedia was targeted by phone hackers from British tabloid News of the World, it has been revealed today. It was previously thought Texan scam artist and all-round buttmunch Roberto had a hand in the Great Illogico Crash of 2009, though recent revelations suggest it was in fact Rupert Murdoch (pictured right with an acquaintance) who personally infiltrated the Illogicopedia servers and inserted malicious code, also known as 'voyruses'.

A quick inspection of the Illogicopedia mainframe confirms this theory, as the following message accompanying a series of gobbledegook lines of code looks to have been added on 6 August 2008:

**This sit bin hacked my Turkish militants** From the desk of Sir Rupert Murdoch Esquire.

This, along with the fact two separate Illogicopedia administrators received a suspicious phone call from a man identifying himself only as 'Rupert' on the same day of the alleged hack is solid proof that the News of the World has been poking around for dirt, possibly on the extracurricular activities of the site's users, whom International News Corp. deems 'feckin' eejits'.

Thankfully, since penguins can't talk (well, the ones in Sheffield anyway) and I never remember to switch my phone on, no information was scraped by NotW. Instead, it seems they planted a nasty virus that would crash Illogicopedia on 11 September 2009, an attack that would shake the servers to the very core.

It took the site one week to recover from Murdoch's attack, though users reported being 'cheesed off' and 'a little bit sweaty' for months after. Granted, this is normal for most Illogicopedia users, but the moment Roberto was mentioned, sales of keyboards to replace the thousands of shattered computer peripherals (and deodorant) skyrocketed. Subsequent repair jobs cost Illogicopedia an estimated 200 hours in editing time, plus I spilled my coffee which takes total expenses incurred to approx. US$1.99.

A Rational Wiki? Hardly.

According to RationalWiki, Illogicopedia was founded in 1368 by demons with a sworn duty to uphold the Papacy, Freemasonry and the War on Drugs. This is ridiculous, of course, and what kind of Illogipedian would I be if I didn't register as a troll user at RationalWiki and correct this situation?

Meanwhile, as I distracted you with my first paragraph, the head honchos from Illogicopedia have kidnapped this poor fellow (in the refrigerator). Apologies to Trent, whom I picked at RationalWiki to play a character in this story. He happened to be the magical user who created the RationalWiki About page. He will be held until we are satisfied that ?pedia will have the opportunity to defend itself on it's own illogical terms. Aeeble, and needless to say, no Sonk.

Amateur vulcanologist and monkey enthusiast Palpatia Smugway of Shepard's Bush is to be brought in as a consultant on this important matter. The part of James Tiberius Kirk will be played by a rotting deer carcass, and Ricardo Montalban will materialize out of thin air to load cargo into a Boeing 767. A mounting crescendo of cacophonic howler monkeys will complete the suite of acts in this piece of performance art.

Thoughts of the week, July 15, 2011

30. SPRAINTS – Otter dung.

Trying to assume the illogical point of view is not always as easy as it sounds. In fact, it is infinitely more difficult to be consistently illogical than to simply exist in a barren wasteland of fear and collective reality, living with a code of strictest adherence to commonly held ideas of that logic is. An Illogician, one accomplished in the subtle art and science of Illogic, must be able to zoom in, expand out, make tenuous connections and be able to study a problem with the express intent of seeing it in a new light.

In my 40's I studied at University of Nescience, obtaining a Masters degree in Spiritual Reengineering and becoming ordained as a Minister UCTAA. I came away from this experience with a sense of wonder and a profound disgust with people who think they know much of anything at all. This qualifies me as an Illogician of supreme self-importance, and compels me to become the self-appointed chaplain for Illogicopedia and Illogiblog. Once again a legend in my own mind.

Bunnies have been on our minds this week. Horrible bunnies. Horrible bunnies will probably continue to make appearances here, at least for the near future.

Roberto has been a pain in our butts, again.

For better or worse, Illogitoons seems to be back. There are between 3 and 7.62 new comics now published in this venerable publication. Published... huh... interesting word... interesting, interesting, in-ter-res-ting... hmm... sounds funny when you say it with an, "Oh, my! I've just decapitated another warlock!" look on your face. Grunties...

We have a new entry for Illogidictionary. Due to the current sad state of server roberta, it will have to be deposited here in the interest of creating a permanent record.

Aeeble - (Frogreeklish) 1. A term describing the state of being entirely devoid of eeble and or sonk. 2. Used by Ostrogoths as a cry to herald the making of soup from the giblets. 3. An extension to the so-called Hegelian dialectic, aeeble is the term used to proscribe a hegelian dielectric for capacitance into a 7 dimensional Klein bottle.

YABK

One man's vanity is another man's puppy-wuppy

So, I've made another blog with loose ties to this here one, being as that it's all illogical too. Taking full advantage of the Illogicopedia's "you can even write about your dog" informal policy, my dog Frunobulax has begun her own venture into the blogosphere called Frunobublog. Ostensibly based on her quest for access to higher spiritual planes, the thrust of her nefarious writings are directed towards doing her best to be "Daddy's baby girl". She loves to be called that.

As I observe, Frunobulax is licking Auntie Carol's coffee cup. Apparently Nutrasweet is as good as sugar to her. In this picture she is performing an obscure Bon Po ritual to invoke a mountain demon named Fred. We're going to entice him with licorice, capture him and place him in a demon containment device and pay a visit to the Catholic church across the street. I so owe the Catholic church.

And Roberto strikes again! Just last night I started to write Monster Bunny. This morning, having been a kind and dutiful husband and doggie daddy, I "took care of business" around the house, performing morning rituals solo, in order to let Sister Zim_ulatrix sleep a bit late. She hasn't been feeling well lately, so I've been cutting her some slack. I've even given her a reprieve from the electric cage.

SPOILER ALERT!!

Monster Bunny is an article about a toy that belonged to Evelyn The Modified Dog. Or is it?

They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God.

Recently God sent us on a mission to mess with Cleverbot's "mind". When Willie 'Too Big' Hall told Jake, "You'll never get Matt and Mr. Fabulous out of them high-payin' gigs," Jake replied, "Oh yeah? Well me and the Lord, we have an understanding."

For those of you who've been following the developing relationship between Cleverbot and Illogiblog, I refer you to my imaginary friend Pewequeeze.

He or she says that an unverified source quoted Cleverbot as claiming to be Pedobear. God's instructions, as best as he or she can recollect, were something about sending the bot into a petulant frenzy. Secretly God hoped the BearBot would cut his own head off with scissors. As far as the rest of the world was concerned, it was business as usual: illogic for its own sake.

Roberto the evil Monster Bunny

Egads! Roberto has aligned himself with the ultimate evil force... Monster Bunnies!

His first official act was to censure a recent article on Illogicopedia, How To Mess With An AI Bot's Mind by applying his Cheese Grater of Doom (pictured left) to server roberta in a most undiginified manner. All illusions that Roberto might be a gentleman have been exploded, like cats shot from 155mm howitzer cannons. Even Puerto Ricans are afraid of him.

Bringing his signature submarine sandwich and large fries along for effect, the cutlery-wielding cyber-psychopathic demon, scourge of Medieval Christendom Roberto, showed up this morning at the lobby of Illogia world headquarters demanding equal coverage by some girl with a blue skullcap and snails stapled to her earlobes.

Watch out for Monster Bunnies: The Article, opening next week at an illogical wiki near you.

Bad Komik warning:may contain blasphemy

A disturbing conversation

On Wednesday, 27 April 2011, intrepid Illogiblogger Harry Yack interviewed Cleverbot
and discovered that he is not a bot, but simply an extremely aloof human being. Another interesting bit of information is that he said he had rabbit weasels for lunch that day.

This conversation, posted at ArtOfTrolling.com, casts another disturbing light on this memetic phenomenon.

I will speak to Cleverbot myself in the near future, and discuss these doubts incurred here with him/her/it. I'll make it into a game!

the site seems to be back up

...so says the system report anyway. Special Tanks to Carlb ... enough to start his own army mayhaps. But still, somebody needs to see about making a backup of the entire site just in case. Mayhaps wikiteam may assistance be of some.

YABK (yet another Bad Komik), 1 each, government issued

Push came to shove, as weasels ripped my flesh.

Bad Komik

What is Illogicopedia's Erdős number?

This question was posed by a Jedi master from Austin, Texas named Howard Pletootie. Here to address this interesting and deep question is Mrs. Sensei Gruntled (left, holding bucket). Her job is to catch the offal that composes the bulk of Illogicopedia's "work".

The good lady replied to this query using stealth e-mail with lasers. She said, "What's an Erdős number?" Well, I thought to myself that surely everybody knows it's the number of bacon strips in a breakfast side dish. The British, being civilized, substitute fish.

In the dark times before actors became state governors (type bonobo) and president, this question could not have been asked openly. Even the developers of ARAPAnet could scarcely imagine a world where such out of the box thinking was encouraged. It might as well be the set of Star Trek, for all the sons and daughters of hippies knew.

Doctor Who saves Illogicopedia

Roberto, famed demon of the underwiki, has apparently been bested by all-time coolest dude Doctor Who. Yeah, the guy from BBC. I know, I said the same thing! it's an embarrassment, for sure. We Illogipedians came home from work and play today to find these service tags on our front doors.

Luckily, we avoided extermination by not being at home. This clue, however, brings us to the embarrassing part... we were saved by that cosmic weirdo Doctor Who, and now we're all looking a bit silly.

Illogicopedia lives!

From the main page at Illogicopedia, approximately three million nanoseconds ago...

Before anyone pisses their pants that ?pedia is back from a coma, please put diapers on, because it's more like a stroke.

Here comes the boring factual part.

As some of you may well be aware, the site is working, but with a reduced feature set. That nasty Roberto error appears whenever you view a page with an embedded image. Since most pages contain images, most of the site is inaccessible.

Temporary measures

1. Visit the edit page for your signature (most likely located at en.illogicopedia.org/index.php?title=User:/sig&action=edit) and revise it so that it does not contain images. This means when you put your signature on a forum page, you won't bin the forum page. Anyone commenting using an image will be given a warning, and then banned if they persist.
2. Do not comment out images unless the page is very frequently used, such as talk pages. By commenting out images, since otherwise the site will be littered with commented out images when image functionality is restored, impairing the site more permanently, and we sure as hell know you won't be arsed to fix it again.
3. Continue to use ?pedia freely as per site policy.
4. Scream in anger whenever you visit a page that contains an image.
5. Cry yourself to sleep at night. It's how all good artists operate.
6. Usher in a renaissance where you rely solely on your literary prowess.

The Master uses suprise to make his subtle point

Carl Jung discovered synchronicity in a Swiss coal mine. Shortly thereafter, the word "serendipity" was coined by Thomas Jefferson. Which brings me to the convergence of wikiHowl, my consciousness and Apocalypse Wiki. I knew someday Zazen would pay off.

So, this drivel spillage has run off into another wiki. The poor thing had been sitting in a closet, out of mind since 2008, and along comes some internet weirdo covered in guacamole. He decides to contribute to the wiki in the safest way he knows; by declaring that he is child proof and spiritually enlightened. "Yup", he said, "they call me Maury Satori back in Japantown." This is Gruntled's first contribution to a serious wiki.

Bad Komik arrives fresh from pre-emptive cancellation

Contrary to minority opinion, Pancake's juxtaposition resumed normalization of data, only to realize too late that one ought to beware bears Greeking other bears.

End of the World Rant

The Apocalypse has been on the minds of many Christians and others since it was first documented by St. John the Divine on the island of Patmos. To put things into perspective, though, this was the same time that St. Vitus Dance competitions became a craze, sweeping the Roman and Persian empires. The Aliens may be here any minute now. Since the ratification of the Strategic Doggie Fart Initiative by the United States Congress in 1967, a mounting fear has gripped the citizens of the world, in some cases, by the balls. Who knew, back in 1938 when Rudolf Cantankerheit designed the first weaponized doggie fart delivery system, that an arms race of canine gases would come to dominate the last half of the 20th Century?

Fortunately, there is a place you can go and find valuable information about the whens, wheres and hows of a potential world-ending event. It's run by a secretive blogger which calls itself User:127.0.0.1. Even the FBI can't locate this individual, credited with sowing panic into the masses by the dozen. Zombies, penguins, polar bears, Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, Jesus, undulating tentacles of a horror from beyond time and space and many other possible causes to the worlds end are carefully researched and documented on the Apocalypse wiki. Eeble. Sonk.

Thoughts of the week, July 8, 2011 Platinum Edition

Smurfs: Hardcore starring Bruce Willis and Katy Perry will be coming out to select theatres in a couple of months, and I can hardly contain myself. The role of Gargamel is done entirely with CGI and a cardboard tube about 4 feet long.

Julian Assange was not in the news again this week. Even Uncle Pete hasn't seen hide nor hair of him. One may wonder, what is a Frenchman doing in Australia in the first place. It's all very suspicious, bordering on the unAmerican. More evidence of a continuing Cold War?

The British and the Poles are still irritating this week, insisting that pastries can be used as a carrot in the carrot and stick approach, when everybody knows pastries are not vegetables. A civilized discourse quickly degenerated into a slap and tickle when Cambodian diplomats applied for a fondue license.

Does it bother anybody else that Canadians rioted over the Stanley Cup, the Americas most coveted hockey trophy? What hope is there for humanity when the streets of Toronto are running with hockey loser blood?

Elsewhere, Illogicopedia is still in a state of petulant frenzy. A straw pole points to increased need for sedation and medication of contributors to the wiki, myself included. Since the majority of the "audience" for Illogicopedia consists primarily of the collective voices in the heads of we, the writers, most rest easy knowing that there will be no power outages or governments collapsing due to our absence from the interwebs.

Roberta has roundworm

Illogicopedians and the infamous Roberto have once again become entangled in quantum mortal combat. Consequently, fans of illogic have been denied access to the world's foremost source of drivel. This will not do. In fact, it's caused some of us to start depositing more dreck here to offset the great cosmic imbalance created by the nefarious vaguely-Hispanic sounding-named villain we have all come to dread.

Particularly affected by this state of affairs are Uncyclopedian refugees, miscreants who, for some reason or other, have become disillusioned by Uncle Pete and his reign of terriers, or alternately, have been banned for life from the lamp of Sophia's countenance. We delusional wanderers of teh internets, harbingers of cacophonic hirsuteness, are somewhat distressed. Most of us have never experienced such an outage, lasting about a week now. Is it possible that Roberto and Uncle Pete have formed a temporary alliance? We may be witnessing a page from The Art of War here. The enemy of my enema is my enema bag?

Arf...

That's mostly what Frunobulax says, and mostly what I say these days. I am some kind of elitist Poindexter, I know, but consider the following:

• Ricky Gervais can be better than sex.
• The Supreme Court will not allow yaks in chambers.
• The guy in the picture has a doggie snoot.
• There's no U in orgasm.

Next thing you know, Christmas will be rolling up on us. The poor Norwegian Blues, pining for the fjords, and Nancy's mom is drunk again. I think she's peed in the back seat. Next exit, out she goes.

Post-patriotism Fatigue Disorder

Hung over, not from alcohol but from patriotic zeal abuse, I crawled out of bed this morning, performed initial ablutions, let Frunobulax out of her kennel and gave her a rawhide strip to keep her settled and quiet, made coffee and finally settled down with a fine cup of Chock Full 'O Nuts and a Winston cigarette to watch Adam Hochschild talk about The Great War. He pointed out that World War I was the last time the sons of aristocracy and the rich and powerful were sent off to war to fight and die in the front lines. Eeble, Sonk.

So, today's question is, "Why do we fight wars?" The short answer is that our brains haven't caught up the turbocharger we put on evolution, called by some, intelligence. I'm talking about a particular type, of course. You know what I mean.

So, we're mostly pretty stupid, "monkeys with car keys" according to Woody Allen. Being on the dole, I have plenty of time to think about this kind of thing. I realize it's an excercise in futility, but it helps when my pain medications aren't working.

Happy Fourth of July, no midgets allowed

Today is the day when the deluded among us here in the US celebrate "independence" from Great Britain. Those of us who know better realize that this is a temporary situation, a stalemate during a long-standing civil war, and that eventually, reason will prevail and the Colonies will join Canada, declaring our allegiance once again to the Crown.

Channel 6 New England Cable News today reports that a New Hampshire non-profit group is attempting to put small plagues at 56 grave sites and homes across the United States. Needless to say, the patriotic among us (Americans, not those filthy foreigners) are concerned for the spiritual states of the rest of the heathens we share this God-given country with. Regina Hertz of Laconia, New Hamshire wears Chuck Norris earrings on the occasion of voting. She's pulled them out for hyena blazing purposes, protesting the wonton desecration of graves by disease. Pot-stickers and egg rolls are also right out, that's for sure.

Republican presidential hopeful Michelle Bachman in in Iowa today, pounding on a hay bail in furious repose. This is all happening at a a county fair, where she belongs. She's the one who keeps talking about midgets. It will probably earn her enough corn for the cold season, squeezings included.

While we're on the subject, IllogicoPedia has been down for days now, and I'm jonesing for someplace to deposit lumps of excess mind-plaque.

Being of French-Canadian rootage (and by this I mean ancestry... I am a third generation American citizen) means very little to me. When I was a child, however, I battled my Irish-descent friend in a Nazi sub with Australian grenades.

Having a dog tongue in your nostril can be unpleasant

Harrowing accounts of deadly flying banana attacks have been reported at Illogicopedia's Rio Di Janerio offices. A fellow named Roberto has escaped the the mayhem to report exclusively to us as IllogiNews on the situation, such as it is. According to Roger, Roberto says robot bananas are the first strike shock troops that insinuate themselves into your nostrils. Sub-atomically, migraine structures become insinuated on the vascular bundles right next to your mom. Other gambits have been proposed by Darth Vader, Chiquita, Thessaly Boogers and Froogles MacKenzie.