Warning! This section contains flashing images!
(namely photos of yours truly wearing nothing but an overcoat in a packed yet surprisingly breezy elevator)As amalgamated results from a series of totally-not-made-up surveys indicate, nearly 7.5 out of 10 people frequently use and share webcams. (The extra .5 coming from an upsurge of stereotypical data) Of course none of this could've happened without such great incentives as the popluar, and
totally hawt, myspace camera pose, as well as the oppurtunity to pad out civilised conversation with the utilisation of witty facial expressions, armpit symphonies and severely faked play fighting that when brought into a real life setting all manage to flatter the appearance of your average soiled two year old. But that aside, demand must be met, and met it shall be, met, with a blog post.....
Webcams you say?That's right attractively fonted title, webcams. Recently I managed to find myself in pocession of a webcam. Though it's not technically an actual web cam, as a successfully uprooted and hybridised lego movies camera it's suitable for the job at hand, and sadly passable enough for the chocolate stains on my face to be recognized by the unwitting viewer. However since I revealed the existance of said camera I've been subjected to numerous sustained putches on my camera abstenance, mostly at the hands of one Silentius McPenguin. Because of that, and because I'm bored and should really be doing homework, I have decided to inflict a handguide to them upon you, the readers, listeners, and chronic masturbators in the recharge period.
That's all well and good, but what about my webcam?Hold your horses, we're not there yet. First it's a good idea to buy, borrow or "acquire" yourself a webcam. This is somewhat essential to the overall process and should be taken careful note of.
Yay! I lubed one off of eBay.Excellent. But now you've got to install the damm thing. As I have personally found out, installing a webcam is a difficult task even for the simplest of noobs so it's best to shut down the porn-ups and finish off your conversations with a hearty "lol", so that the matter may atain your full attention.
Now that the two contacts you actually talk to out of your 500 strong contact list are safely nestled away from your literary teet, you may commence the first act in the exciting process of utilising a webcam:
It's probably best to run as few programs as possible during the set up, it makes the whole thing faster and prevents distractions. You need the focus. It is adviseable that you brew yourself a nice mug of something hot, slip on the fluffy slippers you brought back from the sex shop, and breathe heavily until in a relaxed state. The installation can get very frustrating and should not be attempted by heart patients or those over 40 (for aesthetic reasons).
Get to the point.I'm getting to it. Now for installing your webcam, this is the tricky bit.
Ensuring that one end is firmly attached to your webcam, pop the other end of the USB cable into the designated slot on your pc/mac/projector. Bare in mind that better men than you have succombed to hand cramp, so you can never take too many precautions. About now your back pocket will vibrate and a textular message will fly to your screen. No doubt this will be from the bored friend/contact/acquaintance/teacher/dodgy Uncle who prompted you into using a webcam in the first place. After carefulling setting the equipment down it is elementary you reply to this text in a stalling fashion. Giving yourself an extended deadline to work towards is crucial. Installing under pressure is a big no no, and likely to lead to one of your Doc Martins ending up embedded in your monitor.
Now that your contact has been subdued, turn your phone off. Phrases intended for use by a gravity defying cat can't help you here, so don't let people share them with you through your phone. Once plugged into your computer (turn it on), a related installation guide should automatically acquaint itself with your screen. Follow this guide carefully, and be sure to take careful note of any potential terms and conditions the come up. Friends of mine have lost legal ownership of kidneys because of careless ticking of the "I agree" box.
If anything goes wrong at this stage it's good practice to jiggle the cables around hopefully, and jab the wire in and out violently to see if anything happens. Turning your computer off and on again is always a smart move. Should these failsafe procedures fail, immediately initiate plan B - get angry and punch the wall.
Wait, you mean I read all that for something the computer pretty much leads me through without thinking?Shush noob. Great, now that you're installed up, your camera is good to go.
Finally.But we're not done yet.
Augh,Next you've got to tell the camera what to do with the image. At least, that's what the manual I'm looking at says. To be perfectly honest I know almost nothing about webcams and pretty much all of what I've said is stirred up tripe that even an idot should know. That aside, if the computer does give you the option for this, pick the one most suited to how you intend to use the webcam. I mean, picking one you're not going to use would just be silly wouldn't it?
Have you finally got to the point yet, or should I flick back to the other tab and resume fapping?Though your webcam is now ready for mobilisation, there are a few important factors you should take into account.
Fapping it is.First let's cover basic webcam safety:
- Webcams are dangerous things, often carrying sharp corners and cables. Try your best not to jam the device into your eye seeing as this normally encurrs a typical pain-based reaction. With the added bonus of "STI in the eye" quips that are likely to follow the next day upon presenting your subsequent red eye to piers at your attended place of business/house of accademics.
- Seeing as houses were not designed by "LOLfFACEe69", myspace troll and qualified architect, the computer is quite often an awkward distance away from a good surface to set the webcam down on. This can lead to trailing, or sometimes suspended cables which can pose hilarious risk to the unwary user. For this purpose, it is ill adviseable to try and remove your upper garments while engaging in a sexy dance intended for your significant other. With your tight necked jumper locked in battle with your oversized head you are left open for cable ambush as you stumble around helplessly. Cable attacks are becoming increasingly frequent, with victims suffering nasty additional effects such as epic fail for increasing amounts of time. Be smart, and don't let it happen to you.
Once them two are taken care of, you can at last go nuts. Be sure to moderate visual posturing with brief spells of gurning, and the odd testicle appearance. This is sure to liven up the day of your viewers, and your mother, who incdedentally has been in the room for the last hour and a half.
.....uh, mum? Be sure to reiterate to her that those adult websites you viewed earlier were part of your biology research. You don't do biology? Just keep reeling through the subjects until you find one she doesn't understand the dynamics of, and use that.
Now onto some hints and tips:
- Never leave your webcam on after it's purpose has been served, carelessness like that's how the sex tape of my parent's doing it in the freshly vacated lounge came to be.
- Want to find out if "jumbofloppy19" from Liverpool really is the virile manwhore you take him to be. This is where your webcam can come in, invite him for a visual conversation. Using this method you can often quickly confirm your suspicions that he is none other than an obese 12 year old who's been put up to it by some juvenile associates.
- And most importantly, always remember that only noobs generally find webcams funny. If you get a request for webcam use, treat the requester as suspect. Should they turn out to be an undercover noob, your strongest option is to delete them. Webcams are fast becoming an all important tool in the war against noobs, which was started by George Bush's hotmail account following the 9/11 attacks.
Wow, you're right! I didn't know my dad was posing behind all those fake webcam ads.Hmm, that's quite wrong. But now, finally at long last, you're good to go. Roll on the fun times, and try not to lose focus and crack one out while the thing's still running.
Yes, I am well aware we're now into March and 2009 is but a distant memory, but remember: a whole two weeks of Illogical time were lost to the server outage at the beginning of last month. That's a whole fourteen days of black holeyness, hence stuff not happening!
