End of the World Rant

The Apocalypse has been on the minds of many Christians and others since it was first documented by St. John the Divine on the island of Patmos. To put things into perspective, though, this was the same time that St. Vitus Dance competitions became a craze, sweeping the Roman and Persian empires. The Aliens may be here any minute now. Since the ratification of the Strategic Doggie Fart Initiative by the United States Congress in 1967, a mounting fear has gripped the citizens of the world, in some cases, by the balls. Who knew, back in 1938 when Rudolf Cantankerheit designed the first weaponized doggie fart delivery system, that an arms race of canine gases would come to dominate the last half of the 20th Century?

Fortunately, there is a place you can go and find valuable information about the whens, wheres and hows of a potential world-ending event. It's run by a secretive blogger which calls itself User:127.0.0.1. Even the FBI can't locate this individual, credited with sowing panic into the masses by the dozen. Zombies, penguins, polar bears, Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, Jesus, undulating tentacles of a horror from beyond time and space and many other possible causes to the worlds end are carefully researched and documented on the Apocalypse wiki. Eeble. Sonk.

Thoughts of the week, July 8, 2011 Platinum Edition

Smurfs: Hardcore starring Bruce Willis and Katy Perry will be coming out to select theatres in a couple of months, and I can hardly contain myself. The role of Gargamel is done entirely with CGI and a cardboard tube about 4 feet long.

Julian Assange was not in the news again this week. Even Uncle Pete hasn't seen hide nor hair of him. One may wonder, what is a Frenchman doing in Australia in the first place. It's all very suspicious, bordering on the unAmerican. More evidence of a continuing Cold War?

The British and the Poles are still irritating this week, insisting that pastries can be used as a carrot in the carrot and stick approach, when everybody knows pastries are not vegetables. A civilized discourse quickly degenerated into a slap and tickle when Cambodian diplomats applied for a fondue license.

Does it bother anybody else that Canadians rioted over the Stanley Cup, the Americas most coveted hockey trophy? What hope is there for humanity when the streets of Toronto are running with hockey loser blood?

Elsewhere, Illogicopedia is still in a state of petulant frenzy. A straw pole points to increased need for sedation and medication of contributors to the wiki, myself included. Since the majority of the "audience" for Illogicopedia consists primarily of the collective voices in the heads of we, the writers, most rest easy knowing that there will be no power outages or governments collapsing due to our absence from the interwebs.

Roberta has roundworm

Illogicopedians and the infamous Roberto have once again become entangled in quantum mortal combat. Consequently, fans of illogic have been denied access to the world's foremost source of drivel. This will not do. In fact, it's caused some of us to start depositing more dreck here to offset the great cosmic imbalance created by the nefarious vaguely-Hispanic sounding-named villain we have all come to dread.

Particularly affected by this state of affairs are Uncyclopedian refugees, miscreants who, for some reason or other, have become disillusioned by Uncle Pete and his reign of terriers, or alternately, have been banned for life from the lamp of Sophia's countenance. We delusional wanderers of teh internets, harbingers of cacophonic hirsuteness, are somewhat distressed. Most of us have never experienced such an outage, lasting about a week now. Is it possible that Roberto and Uncle Pete have formed a temporary alliance? We may be witnessing a page from The Art of War here. The enemy of my enema is my enema bag?

Arf...

That's mostly what Frunobulax says, and mostly what I say these days. I am some kind of elitist Poindexter, I know, but consider the following:

• Ricky Gervais can be better than sex.
• The Supreme Court will not allow yaks in chambers.
• The guy in the picture has a doggie snoot.
• There's no U in orgasm.

Next thing you know, Christmas will be rolling up on us. The poor Norwegian Blues, pining for the fjords, and Nancy's mom is drunk again. I think she's peed in the back seat. Next exit, out she goes.

Post-patriotism Fatigue Disorder

Hung over, not from alcohol but from patriotic zeal abuse, I crawled out of bed this morning, performed initial ablutions, let Frunobulax out of her kennel and gave her a rawhide strip to keep her settled and quiet, made coffee and finally settled down with a fine cup of Chock Full 'O Nuts and a Winston cigarette to watch Adam Hochschild talk about The Great War. He pointed out that World War I was the last time the sons of aristocracy and the rich and powerful were sent off to war to fight and die in the front lines. Eeble, Sonk.

So, today's question is, "Why do we fight wars?" The short answer is that our brains haven't caught up the turbocharger we put on evolution, called by some, intelligence. I'm talking about a particular type, of course. You know what I mean.

So, we're mostly pretty stupid, "monkeys with car keys" according to Woody Allen. Being on the dole, I have plenty of time to think about this kind of thing. I realize it's an excercise in futility, but it helps when my pain medications aren't working.

Happy Fourth of July, no midgets allowed

Today is the day when the deluded among us here in the US celebrate "independence" from Great Britain. Those of us who know better realize that this is a temporary situation, a stalemate during a long-standing civil war, and that eventually, reason will prevail and the Colonies will join Canada, declaring our allegiance once again to the Crown.

Channel 6 New England Cable News today reports that a New Hampshire non-profit group is attempting to put small plagues at 56 grave sites and homes across the United States. Needless to say, the patriotic among us (Americans, not those filthy foreigners) are concerned for the spiritual states of the rest of the heathens we share this God-given country with. Regina Hertz of Laconia, New Hamshire wears Chuck Norris earrings on the occasion of voting. She's pulled them out for hyena blazing purposes, protesting the wonton desecration of graves by disease. Pot-stickers and egg rolls are also right out, that's for sure.

Republican presidential hopeful Michelle Bachman in in Iowa today, pounding on a hay bail in furious repose. This is all happening at a a county fair, where she belongs. She's the one who keeps talking about midgets. It will probably earn her enough corn for the cold season, squeezings included.

While we're on the subject, IllogicoPedia has been down for days now, and I'm jonesing for someplace to deposit lumps of excess mind-plaque.

Being of French-Canadian rootage (and by this I mean ancestry... I am a third generation American citizen) means very little to me. When I was a child, however, I battled my Irish-descent friend in a Nazi sub with Australian grenades.

Having a dog tongue in your nostril can be unpleasant

Harrowing accounts of deadly flying banana attacks have been reported at Illogicopedia's Rio Di Janerio offices. A fellow named Roberto has escaped the the mayhem to report exclusively to us as IllogiNews on the situation, such as it is. According to Roger, Roberto says robot bananas are the first strike shock troops that insinuate themselves into your nostrils. Sub-atomically, migraine structures become insinuated on the vascular bundles right next to your mom. Other gambits have been proposed by Darth Vader, Chiquita, Thessaly Boogers and Froogles MacKenzie.

Letters to the Editor: Spambots Edition

Thanks to a recent upsurge in site activity, the Illogicopedia inbox has been overflowing with messages of praise, criticism and the promise of free prescription drugs for low, low prices. Nah, only joking - we'd be lucky to get one email a month.

But the Illogiblog's comments queue is literally filled with walls of text from the processors of spambots eager to peddle their Russian dating sites scribbled in semi-Engrish nonsense that wouldn't look out of place on the pages of Illogicopedia. To that end, here's a selection of the latest waste products fresh from the Illogiblog spambox.

Someone essentially help to make seriously articles I would state. This is the first time I frequented your web page and thus far? I amazed with the research you made to make this particular publish incredible. Fantastic job! -- Free Porn Videos

Always nice to be praised by a (fellow?) pornographer. At this rate, it looks as though we'll be a firm favourite from Hugh Hefner's bookmarks list before too long. Playboy, here we come baby!

Greetings We are very happy I discovered your site My partner and I actually discovered you through mistake, while I was searching upon Askjeeve regarding something else entirely, -- Flash websites

Whilst I am pleased by your enthusiasm for the Illogiblog, I wonder where you learned your punctuation. Was it the School of Placing Random Commas Wherever it Looks Nice? Or perhaps the Institute of Full Stop Loathers? Anyway, I shall pass your message to Askjeeve, whoever the eeble sonk he is.

It really is difficult to get informed persons for this matter, but you sound like you doubt know exactly what you are speaking about! With thanks -- Vernon

Aha, I see your usage of the Cloak of Doubt there, and as such I am not fooled by your excessive butteriness. Incidentally, you'll have a hard tasking finding persons more informed on the subject of sheer nonsense, so don't even try or we shall dispatch Bcbkye to place a pox upon your servers.

My partner and i knew I was appropriate. My buddy and My spouse and i placed a bet in relation to which web site was superior. I imagined your web site was superior created, but the lady believed this kind of post upon trendy design ideas was far better. We rounded up 5 family members memebers who had not seen often website prior to to study them each more than. Majority chose your internet site. Thanks regarding maintaing an incredible site. -- How to get rid of cellulite

This one was just creepy. To round up three family members is foolish; to round up five is tantamount to creative suicide, especially where Illogicopedia is concerned. On that rather disturbing note, I shall leave you for now.

Illogicopedia users "a bunch of illiterates": Alexa

In a scathing attack on Illogicopedia's userbase, internet ranking site Alexa.com has blasted the site's editors as a load of infertile slackers with no education:

Based on internet averages, illogicopedia.org is visited more frequently by males who are in the age range 18-24, have no children, have no college education and browse this site from home. -- Alexa.com entry for Illogicopedia

Users became outraged upon hearing the news, which was reported some time ago but hasn't reached the Illogicopedia community until now because we couldn't get anyone to read it out loud for us. Thanks to Microsoft Sam, I was able to decipher these sticks and squiggles known as 'letters' that go together to form 'words' to bring you this belated exclusive.

In response, it must be said that most workplaces immediately put Illogicopedia on the internet blacklist due to its nonsensical, brain-melting content. We would otherwise access the site at work, but the computers are generally more than 20 years old and still on dial-up connections; to rub it in, we struggle to control those horrible one-button mice from the late 80s.

The remaining accusations are somewhat fair, so I shall gloss over them and try to tempt you with the promise of a free online diploma for all Illogiblog readers here. Well, what have you got to lose? Illogicopedia has already deprived you of your sanity.

The Dark Side of the IllogiCast. Or something.

I made another podcast yesterday. I was bored OK?



On this episode, we hear about Illogicopedia's take on Mozart, Lincoln, zombies, The moon! and astronomy.

Peter Piper picked an Illogic Pickle

After a two year absence, the Illogic Pickle, Illogicopedia's premier writing competition has returned to taunt users with the promise of fame, fortune and the opportunity to be kicked up the backside by fellow competitors. Do not let this put you off entering, however, for it is not the winning but the irritating of judges that counts.

Enter the Illogic Pickle 4.1: Details here

For those of you new to the Pickle, you basically have four weeks to craft the most fantastic, earth-shatteringly wondersome article you can possibly muster. Then lose. But do not be downhearted if the judges don't select your article as the winner, for this year you shall have a second chance in the form of VFF. The best entries will be put to the public vote for a place on the front page, which, after all, is a million times better than winning some giant pickle that smells as if it's been sat at the back of a cupboard for a few decades. So yeah, erm, enter the Pickle. Go on, it'll be fun.

From the Illogiblog archives: This month through the years: June

It's time to go all nostalgic as we take a brief look through the Illogiblog archives (pictured right) to see what we were all up to in the month of June in 2008, 2009 and 2010.

June 2008

The month began with an ode to Does this bus go to Orpington, a prominent 'meme' from the early years of Illogicopedia. Well, it wasn't really as notable at the time, not until Does this bus go to Orpington: The Game was featured on Illogicopedia in 2009.

Both IllogiNews and the blog underwent some format changes, the latter of which followed a semi-successful logo competition won by Robomilk. At the time of writing, the very same 'Underground Sky Blue' theme remains in place at the Illogiblog.

The Illogic Pickle 2.2 was launched, heralding a fervent period of activity before the inevitable visitor drop-off. Illogicopedia wouldn't experience that until July, however, so for now we were revelling in our own squalor.

After a bit of moaning about Wikia and a quick look at some other Wikipedia parody wikis, the month closed with a tribute to Silent Penguin, who became the first entrant into the Illogicopedia Hall of Fame. He remains the only inhabitant of said corridor to this day, suggesting there were ulterior motives behind this award...

June 2009

Illogicopedia played its part in an Uncle Pete featured article, destroying the world in spectacular fashion in Uncyclopedia Brown and Wikipedia Brown...

In politics, some Member of Parliament edited Wikipedia or something, and Jimbo Wales stuck his nose into the 'paid-to-edit' wiki debate. The two articles were 'humorously' brought together in a piece of image juxtaposition that might have made the odd person chuckle. I doubt it, though.

We got a brief update on Illogicopedia's status on 15 June, and oh yeah, Readmesoon became an Illogiblogger. Happy 2nd birthday, dude!

June 2010

The Uncyclopedians staged a mini-invasion. A battle raged over Skype and spilled onto Illogicopedia, where much drama took place... and then we forgot all about it. Probably just as well, really.

The recession began to bite, resulting in a series of painful cuts announced by Lord Testistocles. The long term effects of this are still to be witnessed, though I'm pretty sure somebody pinched my packet of Mini Cheddars from the fridge drawer. That was annoying.

June 2010 also saw the start of the football (soccer) World Cup, which proved a damp squib despite the Illogico World Cup party. Not much interesting happened, and the tournament only served to reinforce the general view that all soccer players are pansies that fall over upon the slightest bit of contact with an opposition player or blade of grass.

June 2011

We took a brief look back upon June of the previous three years. And brings us right up to date with the sentence I am typing right now.

The gnomes plotting your death: Real life evidence emerges

It's official: the gnomes are out to get you. Well, if you live in Argentina, anyway. The Sun's exclusive footage would seem to suggest there is a rather creepy creature prowling the streets of the country, startling locals and whipping wildlife into a frenzy. This video, purportedly capturing the feral elf, was shot in 2008:


The very latest pictures of the gnome suggest he's still at large, and seem to back up reports of an elf-like being, known as 'The Shorty Eared One', terrorising the town of Suncho Corral.


This proves to the Illogiblog, once and for all, that the gnomes really are plotting our death. We advise you immediately dispose of all garden gnomes and other such ornaments, for they are likely to come alive and punch you to the ground at any given time. Bcbkye, eat your heart out, for there is a new challenger, and it's pretty bloomin' awesome.

My Quite Serious Opinion

This wiki has a problem and I am really fed up with it.

I think all this Holier-Than-Thou, anti-corporate "We don't have the backing of large organizations" talk has a major flaw in it's reasoning.

It's Roberto!

I would call this, "The Roberto Fallacy."

The Roberto Fallacy is the idea that anything is better than what everybody else is using, even if it doesn't actually work. This is why Ubuntu has been erroneously called "Linux for Normal People."

In case you don't get it: he's been spending all weekend digging through forum posts and getting trolled on IRC channels trying to get his Linux box to do simple tasks that it should do automatically by default without having to deal with any of that crap.

Anyway, the point is that clearly, independent hosting is not working for us. It has too much independence and not enough hosting. The site seems to be down more than it's up!!

Carib is a great guy and it's wonderful that he's been willing to donate the use of the servers and whatnot and I'm not being critical of him. This is not his fault at all. But something needs to be done to get us to a point where our site works regardless whether it's independent or looks exactly the way we want it to look or whatever other crap. Functionality: being UP and RUNNING must trump every other consideration.

Something's got to be done here. We've got to get the site running reliably, all the time. That might mean going back to Wikia or some other less than perfect outcome. But anything beats having no site.

BTW, I have an old, seldom-updated blog where I've written down some pointless rants in favor of a more balanced view of the free software and free culture movement.

Illogicopedia: Writing for the Banana since 2007

It seems our friend Roberto is once again wreaking havoc upon our favourite nonsense wiki, so I thought I'd take the opportunity to speak seriously for a moment. Euthanasia. There, that was serious enough. With that out of the way, here's a ramble on the state of the wiki.

I was pottering about on Uncyclopedia the other day, which got me thinking. I wondered how much Uncle Pete differs from Illogicopedia in its fourth year of existence. It soon occurred to me that this would have only been a couple of years ago, since Uncyc is 24 months older than Illogico. Surprising to think, really.

In some ways, we've learned from Uncyclopedia's mistakes. We've shamelessly half-inched ideas for projects etc. whilst always maintaining a sense of individuality - Illogicopedia may seem quite similar, but in reality it's a hugely different prospect altogether. For starters, there isn't the problem of deletion-hungry admins that used to prowl Uncyc in its early days (not naming any names). There isn't the backing of a multi-million dollar charitable organisation or its associated wiki farm (and thank goodness for that).

Whilst I'd welcome any interest from large organisations and we would most likely accept should the right backing emerge, it isn't that big of an issue if it doesn't. Illogicopedia is about the content, and always will be. It's proudly small-time, a community of creative types that like to mess around with writing styles without fear of recrimination.

Illogicopedia is still going places. There's another Pickle contest around the corner, and with a steady stream of new users trickling into the fray, we may be set for an exciting one. Enter, and take part in a landmark event in the history of Illogicopedia.

Mr T Says: Ignore it and it will go away

Now listen up, fools. It may be hard to turn a blind eye something as blatant as a man parading the streets with a seven-foot afro, or a kid at the cat rescue centre in a dog suit, but pay them no mind. The attention seeker, upon being ignored, will naturally move on to somewhere new, where they may be annoying a whole new audience, but at least they're not pestering you. Besides, it's funny to see other fools get pissed off. That's why we watch those Simon Cowell shows or Ultimate Fighting Championship. But not me, I pity those suckas beating each other up for sport. When you hit a man, it should be out of hate for him.

Heed the words of B.A. Baracus and you won't go far wrong, children.

Representing its users and content?

Uncyclopedia's Sophia begins rottening! I'm right: now there is something that represents its rotten humour and users. By the way, maybe the EHEC-bacteria has something to do with it, rearing its head on the Internet. After six years, Sophia (now also already beaten by the Brazíliânhios) suffers under the Wikia-cancer, which has spread its sickness around the articles.

Perhaps you didn't notice yet, but all Uncycs should work normally now. After five days, Carolus Magnus caught Roberto, forced him to eat his beard, and eventually sent him away back to Mexico. Once over the Canadian border he was stopped, the border customs nabbed him on Marihuana, so he couldn't cross over (neither he could stay in Canada). Therefore, he had to bricolate a float, navigate the St. Laurence River down, etc...

And eh... Sony is hacked... yay!

Paronomasia

An assembled crowd of more than 1,000 roared in excitement as Singbad the Sailor launched his grand expedition into the unknown, braving killer whales, pirates and ship-munching sea dragons on a five-year-long epic expedition. It would be the journey to end all journeys, a fact-finding mission of monumental proportions, especially since it was mostly funded by a seedy underground starfish club. "Bring many back," they threatened, "or this trip may well be your last." I would have taken them seriously, too, for they possessed many a sharp object which could easily be inserted about one's person.

As SS Hammenegger left port, Singbad had a niggling feeling he had forgotten something. "Never mind," he said out loud to a bemused shipmate, "it can't have been that important." It later turned out to be his watch, the absence of which would ensure the trip lasted 75% longer than expected. Nevertheless, hopes were high for another successful expedition under the Great Singbad.

After two weeks, however, things took a turn for the worse as the Pacific conditions became highly uncomfortable, heavy rain and high winds rendering the ship almost impossible to keep under control.

"Maybe we should do something to appease the gods, perhaps offer a song of pleading," suggested Ballwash, that captain's right hand man. "Capital idea," responded Singbad, scrambling around his cabin for the guitar he had been saving for just this occasion.

All hands were hastily summoned to the captain's quarters for a mass sing-song. But as Singbad stroked the strings of his guitar, it immediately became evident from its unpleasant, discordant tones that the instrument was wildly out of tune.

"Not to worry, I have an idea," piped Ballwash, who immediately donned his swimming costume and jumped into the freezing waters below. Everyone looked on in awe as he emerged less than thirty seconds later holding a large fish which he proceeded to drag aboard.

"What on earth is this?" Singbad ventured as Ballwash handed over his catch. "I think it's fairly obvious," came the reply, "that it's a tuner fish."

And with that, Harry Yack was shot dead.

Hey Mr Taliban, hand over bin Laden or we will forcibly remove him

Illogiblog can exclusively reveal that Osama bin Laden was found after a tipoff from Illogicopedia. This page clearly states the man was hiding "in a council estate flat in El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciúncula, Burnley, Thailand, England. On top of a hill." Which, of course, turned out to be 100% accurate. Illogicopedia: working for the good of all men. And women. Except terrorists.

The house in which bin Laden has been staying for the last six years(?) was immediately put on the market and sold for over ten dollars. I know this because I bought the place and am currently reporting from a laptop I found lying around. It has a massive, N64 Goldeneye-style bullet hole in it but still works somehow, so who cares?

Bin Laden's death: Reaction

• Bin Laden's brother, Obama bin Laden, was somewhat pleased as it provided ample retribution for all the Chinese burns and wet willies he received through the years.
• Illogi Records Inc. have re-released the smash hit 'Hey Mr Taliban, Please Hand Over bin Laden' in celebration. Though Mr Taliban did not exactly hand him over and US forces had to flush him out (with assault rifles no doubt), they're still keen on cashing in. I mean, who wouldn't?

Uh oh, I fear the military men cometh! Now where's my water pistol?

Osama Bin Laden's Dead

So there's this old joke right.

Chelsie Clinton gets a crush on some military guys who just came back from Afghanistan. She's all like, "You guys look really tough. Is there anything you're afraid of??"

One of them responds, "Well, m'am, there's only three things the U.S. military is afraid of. Osama .... Obama ... and yo momma!!"