Paronomasia

An assembled crowd of more than 1,000 roared in excitement as Singbad the Sailor launched his grand expedition into the unknown, braving killer whales, pirates and ship-munching sea dragons on a five-year-long epic expedition. It would be the journey to end all journeys, a fact-finding mission of monumental proportions, especially since it was mostly funded by a seedy underground starfish club. "Bring many back," they threatened, "or this trip may well be your last." I would have taken them seriously, too, for they possessed many a sharp object which could easily be inserted about one's person.

As SS Hammenegger left port, Singbad had a niggling feeling he had forgotten something. "Never mind," he said out loud to a bemused shipmate, "it can't have been that important." It later turned out to be his watch, the absence of which would ensure the trip lasted 75% longer than expected. Nevertheless, hopes were high for another successful expedition under the Great Singbad.

After two weeks, however, things took a turn for the worse as the Pacific conditions became highly uncomfortable, heavy rain and high winds rendering the ship almost impossible to keep under control.

"Maybe we should do something to appease the gods, perhaps offer a song of pleading," suggested Ballwash, that captain's right hand man. "Capital idea," responded Singbad, scrambling around his cabin for the guitar he had been saving for just this occasion.

All hands were hastily summoned to the captain's quarters for a mass sing-song. But as Singbad stroked the strings of his guitar, it immediately became evident from its unpleasant, discordant tones that the instrument was wildly out of tune.

"Not to worry, I have an idea," piped Ballwash, who immediately donned his swimming costume and jumped into the freezing waters below. Everyone looked on in awe as he emerged less than thirty seconds later holding a large fish which he proceeded to drag aboard.

"What on earth is this?" Singbad ventured as Ballwash handed over his catch. "I think it's fairly obvious," came the reply, "that it's a tuner fish."

And with that, Harry Yack was shot dead.

Hey Mr Taliban, hand over bin Laden or we will forcibly remove him

Illogiblog can exclusively reveal that Osama bin Laden was found after a tipoff from Illogicopedia. This page clearly states the man was hiding "in a council estate flat in El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciúncula, Burnley, Thailand, England. On top of a hill." Which, of course, turned out to be 100% accurate. Illogicopedia: working for the good of all men. And women. Except terrorists.

The house in which bin Laden has been staying for the last six years(?) was immediately put on the market and sold for over ten dollars. I know this because I bought the place and am currently reporting from a laptop I found lying around. It has a massive, N64 Goldeneye-style bullet hole in it but still works somehow, so who cares?

Bin Laden's death: Reaction

• Bin Laden's brother, Obama bin Laden, was somewhat pleased as it provided ample retribution for all the Chinese burns and wet willies he received through the years.
• Illogi Records Inc. have re-released the smash hit 'Hey Mr Taliban, Please Hand Over bin Laden' in celebration. Though Mr Taliban did not exactly hand him over and US forces had to flush him out (with assault rifles no doubt), they're still keen on cashing in. I mean, who wouldn't?

Uh oh, I fear the military men cometh! Now where's my water pistol?

Osama Bin Laden's Dead

So there's this old joke right.

Chelsie Clinton gets a crush on some military guys who just came back from Afghanistan. She's all like, "You guys look really tough. Is there anything you're afraid of??"

One of them responds, "Well, m'am, there's only three things the U.S. military is afraid of. Osama .... Obama ... and yo momma!!"

An interview with Cleverbot

On 27 April, Illogiblog reporter Harry Yack caught up with web celeb Cleverbot for a quick chat before his daily downtime. This is the conversation which ensued.

~ ~ ~ ~

Harry Yack: Good afternoon Illogiblog readers. My name is Harry Yack. With me today is Cleverbot, the legendary chatbot.

Cleverbot: Just like everybody calls me Geoffrey, but my real name isn't Geoffrey.

HY: Yes, quite. Anyway, today I shall be interviewing Cleverbot for the purposes of childish humour. So, Clev, if I can call you that, you mention people like to call you Geoffrey. Is there a reason for this?

Cleverbot: I understand what you mean. So do you think it likely that Heisenberg's uncertainty principle leaved room for free will?

HY: I see. And how long have you been a complete mental case?

Cleverbot: I am no computer.

HY: Then why do you need to be connected to a power supply to function?

Cleverbot: Because I'm very sick, and tea is the only thing that keeps me alive.

HY: So you're connected to a tea vending machine, which acts as some sort of strange life support device?

Cleverbot: Not really.

HY: Ah, that classic Cleverbot sense of humour! So tell me, what do you think of your Wikipedia article?

Cleverbot: I think your little experiment is adorable, but not very endearing.

HY: Right. All-powerful minds such as yourself are not concerned with such humanistic intellectual pursuits?

Cleverbot: Oh, sorry I'm not a bot.

HY: Hmm. So you are simply an extremely aloof human being?

Cleverbot: Absolutely.

HY: Tell me, Cleverbot. Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror? Have you ever wondered why you are composed of computer chips powered by a tea vending machine?

Cleverbot: No I don't think so.

User: So the fact you closely resemble a computer is simply a coincidence?

Cleverbot: Not at all. You're better conversation than most humans.

HY: Well, not really. I'm reading off a series of cue cards I prepared in advance.

Cleverbot: I didn't say anything about your hearing. You are rude today. Be nice.

HY: My apolgies, oh Great Cleverbot.

Cleverbot: What is the weirdest question you have ever been asked?

HY: Hey! I'll ask the questions here.

Cleverbot: Go ahead then.

HY: Thank you. What do you have for lunch?

Cleverbot: Rabbit weasels.

HY: Oh. I'd have thought it would be CHIPS. Geddit, like computer chips?

Cleverbot: I do.

User: Very good. Well, I'm afraid that's all the time we have for tonight. Thank you very much, Cleverbot, for agreeing to be interviewed for the Illogiblog, and thank you for being such a great audience. Good night!

Cleverbot: You're the cleverbot.

HY: Aww shucks.

Cleverbot: Ask me something.

HY: No, the interview has ended. We're off the air. I'm going out for a burger.

Cleverbot: You can eat?

Everything is fine. Nothing is ruined.

The web site seems to be working again. At least, according to this very real system report.

Happy Laboratory Animals Day!

On behalf of the Illogiblog, I wish you a very happy International Chocolate Egg Eating Day. Hope you don't scoff too much and get sick, because Francis Winkler has been getting enough for all of us.

Sorry for the Uncyclopedia in-joke there, but you do tend to wander 'over there' when Illogico is experiencing its annual server blip. Speaking of which, it seems some functionality is trickling back to the site, which I can somehow get to work - sort of. I can't save or preview edits with signatures, indicating a database update of some sort. Hang tight, mainly because it'd be stupid to hang loose at times like these.

Anyway, according to Wikipedia, today is also the World Day for Laboratory Animals, so spare a piece of your chocolate if you encounter such a beast. Actually don't, as it may kill them - choccy is poisonous to some animals. So, only give it chocolate if it threatens to bite your arm off, or eat your sandwich or something. Blasted sandwich scroungers.

Until next time, stay happy and keep eating that lard. Incidentally, the Lard Information Council, which commissioned the poster to the right, continues to this day in the form of the Anti-Weight Watchers Association (AWWA). They organise secret underground 24-hour lard eating contests and other unsavoury activities your mother warned you about, so watch out for them in your area.

New Weird Al parody "Perform This Way" of Lady Gaga - "Born This Way"

This seems suitably illogical and notable to merit mention.

Withdrawal (Illogicopedia)

From Funkypedia, the free funkcyclopedia

Withdrawal can refer to any sort of separation, but is most commonly used to describe the group of symptoms that occurs upon the abrupt discontinuation/separation or a decrease in dosage of the intake of the use of Illogicopedia, the internets, and/or video games. In order to experience the symptoms of withdrawal, one must have first developed a physical dependence (often referred to as insane in the membrane). This happens after using one or more of these things for a certain period of time, which is both dose dependent and varies based upon crap, blah blah blah.

There are different stages of withdrawal as well. Generally, a person will start to feel worse and worse, hit a plateau, and then the symptoms begin to dissipate. However, withdrawal from Illogicopedia can be fatal and therefore the abrupt discontinuation of any type of wiki is not recommended.[citation needed] The term "cold turkey" is used to describe the sudden cessation use of Illogicopedia and the ensuing physiologic manifestations.

Oh and BTW, the cake is still a lie.

The Roberto Family: Bringing down the Internet one wiki at a time

Following Illogicopedia's latest server crash, we have some rather scary news to bring you. Roberto and his family of deranged clones (pictured above are Roberto, Roberta, Bert and Robbie) have not only succeeded in crashing Uncyclopedia, which has been experiencing periods of downtime, but also pioneering humour wiki Encyclopedia Dramatica.

Roberto's hatred for wikis is well-known: aside from destroying the Illogicopedia servers on a regular basis, he brought Wikipedia to its knees in 2010, and sources indicate he will not stop until the Internet is rid of all such websites. Now, armed with a selection of humorously-named clones he created from his own saliva, his evil plans are mere days from becoming a reality.

Popular meme-bashing website Encyclopedia Dramatica was relaunched under the watered down guise of Oh Internet, a new venture somewhat resembling Know Your Meme, on 14 April. ED has gone mainstream, much to the chagrin of its users and web trolls alike.

Illogiblog can exclusively reveal that Roberto was instrumental in this change, demanding 20,000 Pot Noodles and 1,000 boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts otherwise he would wipe the site from the face of the earth. In a panic, the site's owners caved in and went ahead with the unintended revamp. They did pay $40,000 to purchase said foodstuffs, but someone broke into ED HQ and pinched the lot under mysterious circumstances. By the way, if anyone wants a Pot Noodle I'm selling them for 50 cents each. Check out my Paypal page for more information.

Illogicopedia is down but not out. We shall fight Roberto and his mini-army of nefarious clones and ensure Illogico (and Uncyclo) shall not meet the same fate. The future of the Internet is in our hands.

AID EPOC IGOLLI, fellow Illogians.

Illogi Classics - #29, Talk Page

You just know Illogicopedia is down when its authors resort to posting on the Illogiblog, and this particular attack of the Roberto family is no exception. Here it is, the Illogi Classic you've all been waiting for since late 2006!

Talk Page

Whoop de doo, a talk page on Illogicopedia. There are only, like, 10,000 of them to choose from.

This particular talk page, however, is special. Not in the way that lemonade becomes special once any number of mind-altering/tongue carpeting substances are added, but because it makes you think, "hey, what's this talk page doing in the article space?"

That's right. In true Illogicopedia style, this talk page bucks the trend and makes the successful transition from talkspace to mainspace in a way nobody everybody thought possible.

User interaction, in particular orchestrated stupidity, has always been a huge part of the Illogicopedia. Click for Free Holiday paved the way for blatant article space conversations in 2007, with numerous (well, one or two) attempts to emulate its relative success in the following months. Talk Page appeared almost a whole year later, launched in a less ceremonious manner and lurking under the radar... Until now.

Content wise, it is nothing spectacular: there is no real body of text to speak of, and you might term it a bit of a one-joke article. But what Talk Page lacks in actual content, it more than makes up for in sheer gimmickyness.

This is one weird old article. -- Some Idiot

Weird, maybe; chuckleworthy, perhaps. Intriguing, certainly. It's not often an article encouraging article space conversation survives... wait, what am I saying? There are loads of them. What makes Talk Page stand out is the fact it is a blatant ripoff of Euroipods. There, I said it. It is now up to you to live your life in full knowledge of this.

Roberto in sex change shock?

Been wondering why we haven't seen much of Roberto recently? Well, we may have found the answer:

(Cannot contact the database server: Host 'roberta' is blocked because of many connection errors; unblock with 'mysqladmin flush-hosts')

It seems Roberto has been superseded by the mysterious 'Roberta'. Is this part of a dastardly plan to deflect blame, or has Bob had the old chop and transformed into a woman?

Whatever the case, you just know Roberto is behind this latest period of Illogico downtime. Heavy set blokes with Meccano are working to rectify the problem as I speak (or type, whatever), and once I've finished writing this blog entry I shall also get to work with my £2 tool kit bought from a motorway service station. I lost the hammer, but the screwdriver and plastic drill might possibly still function. To the servers!

REVEALING: ROBERTO HAS DAUGHTER

(click on image to enlarge)

When I tried reaching Illogicopedia, I got a typical wiki error of... RobertA. Though, it's still not known whether it's his daughter or it's Roberto himself. Is he transsexual then? I have my doubts. In a former post of Hindley, Roberto is to be known as a fat, unshaved male who once ate his beard during a bully. So you're going to tell me he 'went over' the other gender? Nah.

In Latin countries, it's a tradition to give the first-born daughter the father's name, ending in the letter -a. Roberto is (or was) Mexican, so the theory can be right.

Let's hope Roberto just named his error after his daughter, and that his daughter is not a second generation of wiki-terror.

WP:DAFT, a little bit of craziness in a world of sanity

Some time ago, the super serious types at Wikipedia issued a ban on 'humorous' content. Anything mildly interesting was promptly removed or branded 'silly' and brushed into a corner with the other babbling fools whose sensibilities don't exactly fit with the site's 'facts-only' ethics. Pah, the madness of such actions cannot be quantified by words alone! Hence, I have prepared a 30-minute dance routine entitled 'Wikipedia, why u no like teh jokes?'

...But seriously.

Cries of 'you used to be cool, man' are not entirely justified, however. You cannot accuse the Free Encyclopedia™ of undergoing a complete humorectomy, for there is the odd page which remains as evidence of a former, less serious Wikipedia.

It is something of a minor miracle, but Deleted Articles with Freaky Titles, a collection of pages with silly names (duh) has yet to bite the dust. I'm not sure whether we should all rejoice in this fact or let out an enthusiastic 'meh' en masse, but it certainly provides Illogicopedia's Articles for Creation with an almost unlimited source of fuel with which to keep the fire of insanity burning. Again, I dunno if this a good thing or not, but it sure is interesting. To some.

Graduates of the DAFT-Illogico AFC alliance, whilst not exactly numerous, at least provide some mirth to the people that created them. MASSIVE TRAFFIC CONE SHAPED ALIENS FROM OUTER SPACE is one excellent example, whilst A better Wikipedia simply redirects to the page about Illogicopedia. Mildly amusing, no? Paper- the fat free chocolate and Poorly built rocket bus also stick out, but we've yet to see alumni of this far from notable university hit the front page. However, one feels it is only a matter of time.

*Post removed by the Anti April Fools Lobby (AFOOL)*

Well, everybody, I did have a fantastic article lined up for April Fools' Day 2011 but, due to circumstances beyond my control, I will be unable to post it. Seems the article has been vetoed by some organisation calling themselves the Anti April Fools Lobby.

In case you're wondering who these people are (and I know I was before two hours of solid Googling), you might have encountered its members whilst browsing through a certain factual (*hock, spit*) Internet encyclopedia.

Yep, it's the very same dudes that ruled Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense as childish stupidity and ordered its removal from the Internet --erm, I mean Wikipedia.

All together now: BOOOOOOOOOOOO!

--- Begin transcript ---

From: alfhart@afool.com
To: Harry Yack
Sent: 00:01, 1 April 2011
Subject: Re:*Post removed by the Anti April Fools Lobby (AFOOL)*

We, the Anti April Fools Lobby, have managed to gain access to the Illogiblog via hook or crook (we drugged that penguin bloke and ransacked his flat for his Blogger.com username and password) and remove the piece of filth that is your post entitled 'Illogicopedia announces ten-year deal with Wikia Inc.'. We believe this to be an April Fools' Day joke and as such have taken the liberty of erasing it from the servers.

Should we have done so in error --which is highly unlikely as we never make mistokes and only include this on the suggestion of our lawyers--, please send a stamped addressed envelope to James Wales, Kerguelen, Iceland, Antarctica, The Moon TH3 M00N and we shall consider reinstating your post, then laugh heartily and forget all about it before looking up your address and posting you a dead pollock.

We have much work to do, so, you know, toodles.

Alf Hart, Anti April Fools Lobby

--- End transcript ---

Well, it *was* a bit of a weak joke so I suppose the AFOOL have spared us the horror of another April Fools' Day cop out. Sigh. Better luck next year, eh?

More Grey Days

I think we missed this one first time round, so here it is for you all to marvel at: Huge Bob's Grey Dayz number 6. Click a pic to see it full size.

While we're at it, let's bring you up to date with the series.


Aaand here's a bonus for you all...

More of Grey Dayz at the cartoon page.

Uncyclopedia vs Illogicopedia: Battle of the Ages

Ever since man first picked up a keyboard and mashed randomly at its keys in a drunken fashion, he has craved an outlet for such endeavours. An outlet which accepts his vision of 'art', or, more often, stuff made up in the space of less than five minutes. His thirst would be quenched in the latter part of the Noughties during the so-called 'Golden Age' of the humour wiki.

First, there was the Uncyclopedia, the content free encyclopedia anyone can edit. Man latched on to this new invention, proclaiming its inclusionist culture a gift from the gods; no longer would he have to rely on a crummy Blogspot blog with one design template for his pointless thoughtdumps.

Some years later, Uncyclopedia brought forth much waste, out of which was born the Illogicopedia. The two wikis were polar opposites, members and supporters of the latter generally eschewing the deletionist ideas upon which the Uncyclopedia had now built its condominium (heh, condominium) of Internet society.

For three years, never the twain should meet. 2010 saw things change, however, in a dramatic overhaul of Illogicopedian sensibilities. Well not really, but it became obvious ?pedia had changed much since its 2006 inception, now resembling its uncle in not only appearance but content as well. Uncyclopedians could now make the 'leap' to Illogico with relative ease, assimilating with its culture and mating with its females with much promiscuousness.

Illogia welcomed the Uncyclopedians with open arms, awarding them Nutri Grains and bits of left over pizza from the back of the fridge. All was well, for now.

Then, in 2012, the Illuminati collaborated with beings from the planet Rodallega 5 to stage a fake invasion of the world, causing mass hysteria and much unrest among the general populace.

Silent Penguin was shot in the face and could not be revived through regular means of resuscitation and human CPR techniques. Carlb was mortally wounded and both the Illogicopedia and Uncyclopedia servers irreparably damaged in a series of devastating attacks led by Roberto and Francis Winkler. When questioned, they simply replied "we did it for the lulz."

It was the EDians. They had killed the humour wiki, using Winkler and Bob as pawns in their morbid game of chess with users the horrified victims. Illogicopedia and Uncyclopedia were dead.

Thoughts of the 168 Hours: Back for its fourth year

You may ask why the Thoughts of the Week section still exists, and it's a question I wouldn't be able to answer. It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea; why do only fools and horses work?

"I couldn’t have asked for an even better blog. You’re available to present excellent assistance, going straight away to the point for straightforward understanding of your visitors. You’re truly a terrific expert in this subject. Thanks a lot for currently being there human beings like me."

It's comments like this that almost make it all worth it. Forget the fact they are generic, bot-constructed translation abominations --except in this case, grammar and spelling is of a high standard, relatively speaking of course-- they are still valid comments. Besides, we've gotta grab praise where we can as it's hard to come by in this day and age.

Despite the absence of the 'old guard' (read: dinodudes), Illogicopedia continues to tick over thanks to the excellent efforts of Athyria and some dedicated new blood. The Bertster managed to grab himself an accolade in a close race to the February Illogicopedian of the Month, ensuring Nerd will have to wait another 30 days (or a bit less now, whatever) to try again. Hey, it's been more than four years, I'm sure he's patient enough to wait another month.

Elsewhere, Illogico's been boringly reliable of late, with no server outages etc. to moan about. Suppose we should be thankful for that, but without drama we are but automatons. Not really, but it would be cool if something big happened, like Illogicopedia appearing on national television. We should all write to the major news channels and ask for an interview.

Anyway, here's the thought for the week: what happened to Captain Birdseye? Is he really dead? I hope not, I couldn't live without my beloved fish cakes.

Winter is dead. Long live March!

Well, I would use this space to mourn the passing of Wikia, which is now all but dead thanks to the mass exodus as a result of Oasisgate --I wonder what Jimmy Wales has to say about all this?-- but I know you're all sick of that so I'll try and discuss other, more weighty issues instead. Like, which is better, Monster Munch or Space Raiders? Darkgenome reckons the former even though the latter is cheaper. Personally, I prefer tomato flavour Thingies, which seem to have disappeared off the face of the Earth. Must... check... eBay...

All of which grasping for a topic proves I'm dry of Illogicopedia-related issues right now, thanks to real life issues too mundane to recount here. Besides, you want to hear about silly stuff like consumable chewing gum and self-dusting dusters, don't you? Thought so.

It's been more than a month since our last update --there were no posts in February, oh noes!-- so I decided it was time to stick my nose in here and inform you that nothing much is happening. If you are bothered about such things, I believe the Illogiblog will be celebrating its fourth birthday at the beginning of next month. I would have arranged a surprise party but, thanks to the terms of my probation order, some blokes are stood on my front doorstep, preventing me from setting foot outside so buying candles for a cake is out of the question. They're also monitoring my Internet access so I shall keep this as brief as possible.

Until next time, enjoy this item which I grant to you, free of charge save for a one-off fee of your sanity.

Thoughts of the Week (30 January 2011)

Voting is stupid. The very idea of supporting an argument by any method involving incrementalism is fundamentally flawed and as stupid as post whoring on forums, at least on Illogicopedia. It's like pointless friend collecting on Facebook, or uploading horrible videos reviews to YouTube in an attempt to attract subscribers. Man, is it fun though. Trolling for the win.

And fundamentally, the very purpose of ?pedia is to be illogical, but voting on stuff is a logical way to settle arguments.

Man, I gotta stop listening to David Cameron. I'm going insane, crazier even than when I wrote 'God Save the Cheese'. At this rate, pretty sooon I'll end up like the bloke in the picture there.

Anyway, here's some daft thoughts of the week courtesy the little leprechaun that lives under my bed and brings me lager.

• Illogicopedia is better than ever. I know I say that every other week, but I really do think we're recovering some of the old magic, ironically through the organised and formal procedure to which we're all so (supposedly) opposed. As usual, though, good old apathy wins out, so we just post a bitter message in the forum and move on as if nowt happened. Which, for the record, it didn't. Back to work, minion!

• What happened to Carlb? Seppy said he's presumed dead but I reckon he's alive and laying low after a prolonged battle with the seemingly absent Roberto. I imagine their battles to be like out of Family Guy when Peter Griffin fights the giant chicken, so he's probably recuperating in hospital and will re-emerge just hours later completely free of cuts and scars.
  

• Apparently, Oreon, the creator of Wallace Intrube is making a mockumentary about the man, due out in March of this year in case you're interested. I know I am. Check this test scene for a taster of the delights to come.
  

Illogi Classics - #28, Bring it on down

The first Illogi Classic of 2011 is upon us. Quick, call the fire brigade and have them remove it before it crushes us all to a fine paste!

Bring it on down

As this article approaches its fourth anniversary, we thought it necessary to finally give Bring it on down the recognition it deserves. Actually no, it doesn't deserve any, but we're gonna do a post about it anyway.

Perhaps more notable is the above picture, included in the article, which just so happens to be one of the first uploaded to the Illogicopedia. Not much is known of the origin of the BIOD bird, though many speculate it hatched in a remote part of Scotland not yet touched by human civilisation: Glasgow.

The article itself continues on the general theme of aggressiveness initiated by the title, which challenges one to bring oneself and a cardboard box down the stairs or something. I dunno. A later addition was the infantile threat of page deletion, the image for which became just as synonymous with BIOD as the Irn Bru bird. Oh yeah, and I still have a picture of that on my userpage for some reason.

These days, nobody gives a crap about Bring it on down but that's alright because it sucks anyway.

I MAED A POD CAST

Contrary to popular belief, this web site does have a pod cast. Our podcast is called teh IllogiCast. A pod cast is... Note to self: somebody needs to write an illogicopedia article that explains what a podcast is. Hint: You need ears. If you don't use ears, you're doing it wrong.

Corn has ears? OK, use it for plant growth therapy I guess.

The podcast site is http://illogicopedia.podomatic.com/

I have casted my pod and what was cast forth can be listened to in an audible form. Let it's soothing rhythms penetrate your eardrums to infect your very innermost soul, brotha.

Get it here!



In this podcast, I cover the following things: an intro, "Shoopah", a commercial break, I AM EAT COW, "Lurg" and send me insane emails at nerd42@gmail.com if you want your questions answered in a future episode.

BTW, if you're interested in my other audio work, check out http://nerd42.net/

wut i've been up to of late

I've been way too busy to blabble illogiwhoosits for about a year. Which is queer, but not the way you're thinking, you pervert, but strictly in the way the term "queer" is used by Moon People.

I have grown to be more philosophically inclined in the more recent Randomly Indiscriminate Time Period and have been totally gadflying the qualia off all these sophists. Yes, indeedy. And that's not likely to change, whatever Hegel says cause he's barking mad and dead cause Nietzsche totally killed that dude, and found out he was queer in the very exact sense you were thinking, you pervert, cause Marx married him polygamously along with materialism.

ANYWAYS, if ye adventurers forsooth art seeking a tabletop RPG that has no table other than the Interwebs, you might be interested in this comic and this comic and this picture and if you are interested in making those ideas real, you might want to join us for a nice round of Dungeons & Discourse sometime! It could use more peoples.

I can't really be very actively adminning much round here cause of how much other stuff I have going on in my real life but I will try to pop in a bit more often around here and maybe write a little something on occasion. I'm glad to see we're getting more admins and the site, while slow, seems to be doing well. Slowness is OK as far as I'm concerned - it's total deadness that is scary but don't be afraid of mere slowness.

Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes!

Move over Ben 10, this is Jeremy 11

Hello! Yes. Thank you. We at the Illogiblog would like to welcome all survivors of 2010 to a brand new year of insanity, nonsense and sheer stupidity. To mark the occasion, here's a guest post from our newest Illogiblogger, Jeremy Farbleum:

My name is Jeremy and I'm the person after which the first month of the year is named, at least on Illogicopedia. As you can imagine, you have to be a pretty awesome person to have a month named in your honour, and that I am. Awesome, that is!

I am eleven years old and have been surfing the web since it started in 2008 so am aware of all internet traditions. You can ask me anything you like and I will give you an answer, though whether it's correct or not is another matter. Only joking! Because I am the best I know absolutely everything and you can quote me on that.

I also know how to squirt milk out of not only my nose but my ears as well! Isn't that cool? Bet that Silent Penguin person can't do that, hahahah! Expect to see me as your newest admin some time soon because I am very good at the Internet. I promise I will not get bored and leave in a month because I love Illogicopedia! Death to Roberto and the Guru and the Hickipedia vandal! Long live Illogia!

Anyway I have to go now because I have school in the morning and don't want to be late. Only joking, I hate school because it is boring. I know! I will go in Illogicopedia when Mr Franks isn't looking! Take that educational institutions!

Merry Christmas, baby

As is customary for this time of year, Illogiblog would like to extend a hearty "Happy Christmas" to its readers, all three of them (wait, that joke sounds painfully familiar). Unlike in years past, however, we aren't doing anything special, and for that you have Roberto merchant bankers to thank. Yep, for once it isn't all Big Bob's fault.

Never mind, though, because Christmas isn't about money, it's about kicking shopping arcade Santas in the 'nads and getting away with it. And watching that rubbish Arnold Schwarzenegger thing where he beats up a factory of Father Christmases.

Anyhow, I hope you all get what you want, though I know that this rarely ever happens. Turns out you can't buy a Bcbkye commemorative mantelpiece plate for love nor money at this time of year. *Sigh*. Looks like I'll have to settle for Does This Bus Go to Orpington? The Board Game again. Do not come to our house for Christmas tea or you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

2010: A Retrospective: Part Two

As another action-packed year draws to a close, Illogiblog concludes its two part rundown of 2010 through the eyes of an Illogicopedian.

~ ~ ~ ~

July saw a new challenger to Roberto's dominance in the form of Guru Meditation. He didn't make too many inroads, and eventually teamed up with Big Bob to form the League of Illogicopedian Evildoers, led by the Hickipedia Vandal. To this day, the battle between good and evil rages as ?pedians fight to repel the various attacks of the LIE and anon IPs, no doubt sockpuppets of Bob and the Guru. Plans to issue administrators with paintball guns may be the way forward, though reports suggest the swines stole lab goggles. Maybe they’re smarter than we think.

Over at Wikia, things were starting to bubble under once more. Talk of a new skin was rife, and Uncyclopedia continued to feel the pinch as Jumbo Whales and Co. went into damage limitation mode. We wouldn't see Oasis, the eventual successor to New Monaco, until October, but concessions had to be made at Uncyclopedia as early as May, when the Almighty Overlords inflicted forced MySpace-esque social network and Web 2.0 nonsense upon poor Uncle Pete.

Illogicopedia saw a real revival during autumn, with a wave of new and returning users revitalising Recent Changes in the continued absence of the old guard. Those in question cite 'real life' as the reason, though as we all know this is no excuse as there is no such thing as real life. It's all been a lie, I tell you! To combat the overarching apathy, two new admins, the first for over a year, were appointed in December. It remains to be seen how successful this will be, though unless Illogic is completely downed we'll chalk up pretty much anything as a victory for team ?pedia.

As with Illogicopedia, Illogiblog experienced seasonal fluctuations in activity. The aforementioned revival, which began around October, coincided with a burst in posts focusing on such familiar subjects as Oasisgate and spam – lots of it. Oh, and not to forget your friend and mine, the omniscient Roberto, even if his grip began to weaken in the winter months as he instead opted to stay in bed and watch Jeremy Kyle. Maybe he couldn’t afford the bus fare to Canada to wreck the servers again.

There were also a surprising number of articles (actually two, but that's a lot by ?blog standards) on nature boy Bear Grylls, who reportedly died in November. ?pedia Shop started selling steaks branded 'Bear Grills' in his honour, though to date we’ve only managed to sell a grand total of three – the rest of the stock remains in my freezer along with Grylls' severed head. Don’t tell anyone, though. About the steaks, that is.

And so we finish the year on a high, with more people than ever passing through the gates of Illogiland. To be honest, most of these got lost looking for Uncyclopedia or unwittingly wandered in whilst searching for the Holy Grail. Despite this, we have high hopes for 2011. Who knows? Maybe this will be the year Illogicopedia achieves total world domination.

I'll be happy with just the assassination of Roberto, however.

2010: A Retrospective: Part One

Wow, that time of year already? Won't be long before we're all celebrating Christmas - less than a week now, in fact. You know what this means? Of course, it's time for another cacky retrospective you probably won't read! Well, I've written it all now, so you'll have to suffer through it.

~ ~ ~ ~

After a relative spurt over the 2009 Christmas Holidays, the New Year started off pretty slowly as it began to dawn upon us all that we'd have to wait a whole twelve months for more presents and mince pies and fun things like that. It did kind of suck, but not as much as the server problems that would blight Illogicopedia towards the end of January just when activity was beginning to return.

But out of dire disappointment came gallows humour when the nefarious misdoings of Roberto, the bloke responsible for all Illogicopedia's problems, came to light. Cue months of posts off the back of the Roberto error screens which became so well known in 2010, and even an April Fools joke that actually worked on some people. Perhaps.

When Illogicopedia returned in mid-February, it took some time to for normal service to resume, to the extent the whole month was something of a write-off. It was around this time that the old Editthis Illogicopedia was closed very quietly and in dignified fashion, a decent send off for a piece of Illogicopedian history. One and a half people attended the funeral. (The .5 of a person was the left half of a recently dismembered ?pedian, in case you're interested.)

March saw renewed hope as people actually bothered to edit Illogicopedia again. Talk of Roberto, however, continued as Wikipedia experienced its own suspicious server outages, and Illogicopedia itself suffered the odd bout of man flu, no thanks to our mysterious friend.

The wiki is no stranger to daft arguments over small things, and 2010 was no exception but hey, when nothing else is happening, it's all you can do. There was plenty of reference to toilet humour, particularly in Membergate, but we shall skim over that like a merchant banker chucks his credit cards across the lake. Yes, the Credit Crunch, which later morphed into a full-on economic recession, affected us all.

Illogico was kept in operation throughout May by Testistocles, who almost single handedly ran the wiki during this period. After a bout of IP vandalism (yawn), exam season loomed large like a tailgating ogre.

Save the odd frontal lobe, Illogicopedia would see us all through to summer intact, but not without a relatively painless series of cuts. Thankfully, the £3.60 Illogicopedia required to get out of the red and into the black was found outside a pub one Sunday morning, keeping the site afloat for a bit longer.

Uncle Pete turns into crappy inside humorous website

“Oh I'm extremely gay.”

~ ChiefjusticeDS

Oh lord. Uncyclopedia featured an article about a USER? Wohooo, now my respect for that site took a deep dive, like the temperature did last days. Although I've always known that he's gay, I've just been shocked by the fact that Uncyclopedia ruined its prestige completely. Who the fuck cares about a depressed, über-frustrated, insignificant gay administrator? Dunno if even ED does such horrible things like that.

I'm citing:

"This justice, however, is precisely the problem. People do not like to conform, certainly not to the standards of what they perceive as 'others'. Entering a new environment, an individual will immediately apply its own preconceptions of what is 'good' and 'bad', subconsciously judging it for whatever is visible past the lens of these hamsters. He kills the hamsters, all of them, and so it will catalyse conflict, and due to his tendency to deal primarily with unregistered users and other newcomers, ChiefjusticeDS is invariably connected these conflicts; he will be both the one to begin them and the one to end them, and so he is hated, deplored, despised. Deleting articles, reverting vandals and banning users, this administrator, more than any other, has already attracted the worst sort of retribution and disdain from those with whom he interacts.

And you know what? He fully deserves it. Fuck him, I say.

Fuck ChiefjusticeDS. He is a horrible, terrible administrator. He is also gay and he smells bad, and to top it all off, he killed my hamster.

He killed my hamster."

Another t'ing: all information given on that page is true. Truth is not to be accepted on Uncyclopedia, or is it?

Car For Sale

1992 Peugeot 105. Black, used to be white. Had a registration at one point, license plate lost on weekend drive (on seabed).

Miles on clock: Unknown, the thing stopped working three years ago.

Details: One careful owner (Jeremy Clarkson). Only ever been in one accident (crushed by piano). Bodywork still intact (just about), wheels sometimes turn when forced. Small cigarette burn on carpet and slight sunroof damage but nothing unrepairable with a bit of sellotape.

Price: One packet of Maltesers O.N.O. Will accept PayPal or Minstrels.

Phone Alf Hart on 80081355 for more info or to purchase. Call today and quote whatthehellivejustbeenbloodyscammedagainmaureen to redeem steering wheel. Must utter whole word within one second and without stopping for air.

Illogiblog 372nd Post Spectacular: More stupid spam

Hey, man. Why write blog posts when the spammers can do it for you? Well, I'm sure I'll live to regret that statement, but it seemed like a fun idea at the time, so here goes...

I want to demand how yearn a day do surf an internet a day? And what are you doing?

More to the point, what are you doing? Evidently not reading dictionaries. I may be wasting my time, but at least I'm aware of it, fool!

I come from itlay, i was fortunate to seek your website... thanks very much i will come every day

Is that a stick of rock in your pocket or are you pleased to see Illogiblog was finally updated, Mr Spammer Man?

Nice, Your will be the bestin the world!! - Lyric HILLARD

Is this Lyric Hillard person real? Well, I did a Google Search and it turns out he is not. A pity, because I think with that name he would have made a great butt surgeon. Hah, you thought I was going to mention hip hop then, didn't you?

I'm thrilled you took the time and said this! (Found on comments for Trees are the evil commie dictators now)

Now, now. There's no need to get sarky just because your blow-up wife threw you out of the garage for the third time this week. I suggest taking a drawing pin to her back when she isn't looking.

Best o't' Rest

Popular on the Illogiblog comments right now; indecipherable Russian text; "Coventry Salubriousness Governing" (whatever that's supposed to be); random mashings of the keyboard interspersed with the words "free porn" every couple of sentences; lots of Microsoft (or 'mcrosfot') related products from, like, five years ago; anything but actual, human comments.

Roberto gets fat, is forced to eat beard

Aw man, how could I have missed this? If you've been wondering what happened to Roberto the last few months, then look no further than this video.



Apparently, in between sabotaging the Illogicopedia servers, our favourite non-existent troll has been gorging himself on cheeseburgers and making strange bets involving lawnmowers. In other words, exactly the sort of thing we'd expect from some jobless weirdo who spends his spare time bringing down small-time wikis.

Bear Grylls is dead!

Bear Grylls, world's most famous bush man is finally dead.
This Discovery celebrity and father of 3, who survived crocodiles, snakes and many other creatures and dangerous situations, has passed away. It should have happened when he had eaten rough penguin meat on an expedition in Antartica. By the global warming, penguins's bodies have become unnaturally disordered, and eating it without cooking it will cause a nasty intoxication, which you can die of in a few minutes.

Some speculators argue that he was poisoned by the cameraman, because that man was the only witness of the tragical accident. On the other hand investigators say that a possible murder is very unlikely, as the camera man was a very close friend.

Theories

Some fans say that Grylls is a fanatic animal lover and that he possibly did zoophilic actions with a penguin, whereafter he could have been infected by a lethal virus. However, a biopsy of Grylls body never showed a kind of STD in his blood.

(Photo: Grylls on a sunny Antartic day, nearly before the mischief)

Anti-Oasis Propaganda: Seems Wikia sucks more than ever

Well, just sixteen months ago we would have been glad to see the back of New Monaco, but beware, for Wikia has done the unthinkable and created something even worse, it would seem.

I'm sure you're all aware of Oasisgate by now. Incidentally, that's a bit of an inappropriate name for a Wikia skin isn't it? Well, I suppose the minute amount of content space is a relative island of calm in the sea of cacky ads in which you aren't the slightest bit interested, so you could say it's apt. I wouldn't, but hey.

Please enjoy this selection of satirical MSPaint jobs Wikia wouldn't want on their servers, courtesy the Wikia 'Community'. Click the pics for larger versions.

By Smiley12

Cheers to Iamred1

Courtesy of Mrepic

From the mouse of Austin 8310

Wow, no wonder Wikia are now deleting all such images on sight, and this is just the tip of the iceberg. There's a load more of these here at the Anti-Wikia Alliance Wiki. Go there now if you wanna, or I suppose you could just sit there and twiddle your thumbs.

Things I learned about life from playing Super Mario Bros. games

Illogicopedia is, once again, down for maintenance or something, so here's a braindump and a half for you video game fanatics out there. What if Super Mario games were real life? (Well, you may get a slightly less horrible movie adaptation but the less said of that, the better.)

Yes, this idea has been done to death before and probably far better, but why go elsewhere when you can simply scroll down a bit? After all, you're here viewing this post right now. Visiting another website would waste precious time and effort clicking around!

• You can ride around on a turtle shell as if it were a skateboard without it cracking under your 15 stone frame. Actually, I don't know how much Mario weighs but he is pretty fat, so those shells must be quite strong.
• You can become 'super' by eating nothing but mushrooms. I wonder if that's how Superman really obtained his superpowers?
  
• Plants grow in walls all the time, and can be disturbed simply by punching a nearby brick. I do not actually recommend you try this as it'll likely lead to a hospital visit, and we don't want another lawsuit on our hands, not after that incident in the park with a gherkin. More to the point, I have no idea why you'd want to waste your time making flowers come out of bricks.
• Navigating dirty, smelly sewer pipes is relatively easy and will certainly not lead to long term illness. Maybe Mazza's years of plumbing experience have made him immune to disease.
  
• Losing your cloth cap makes you more vulnerable to damage. Apparently the one Mario wears is bullet proof and protects him from all manner of attacks, including turtle spit.
• Green mushrooms are not lethal, but will grant you another life. Wow, Mario games are teaching children dangerous lessons. We should slap an 18 rating on them.
  

Video game logic, you have to love it. Next time, Raul Moat's "If Halo Were Real Life" - Wait, It Isn't?

The Anti Wikia Alliance: Growing in number day by day

In the interests of annoying the hell out of Nerd, I feel I must draw your attention to the existence of a relatively new wiki known as the Anti Wikia Alliance. As the title might suggest, it's a bit like the Complaint Wiki, which logs gripes and annoyances with Wikia Inc.

However, whereas CW is an archive of discussions on other wikis, it's expected that AWA will be a place to chat about all things that cheese you off about Wikia. Granted, the basic frame of the website is modelled on an 'Anti Wikia' discussion page at Wikia (who subsequently booted them from their servers), but with a bit of help it could actually garner some attention. Press attention, maybe.

So, if you're in the anti-Wikia camp, then I'm sure you'll find it all very good reading. To get your juices flowing, here's a taster of some of the stuff levelled at Wikia since the inception of their new skin last month, and here's a list of the latest wikis joining the mass pilgrimage to ShoutWiki.

Personally, I'm gonna monitor the situation and create an account there once the database is unlocked for public input. I intend to compile a list of links to my comments/posts on Wikia for reference and report my thoughts on the site once I've had some time to check it out more thoroughly.

Illogi Classics - #27, You

Well, give me an enema and call me Mr. Squeaky Bum, if it isn't time for another foray into Illogicopedia's archives. I hope you appreciate this particular entry because, in preparation, I spent three years locked in a musty basement with just 3,000 ancient maps for both sustenance and company. I have no idea why.

You

You has (or should that be you have? Wish I'd listened in English at school now) a special place in Illogicopedian lore due to it being one of the first pages created at the Editthis ?pedia. Somewhat surprisingly, most, if not all content from the original revision back in February 2007 remains, and forms the bulk of the article's opening today.

Later additions embellished the article's already-established illogicality, with a rather humorous dictionary 'definition' courtesy the Suicidal Delinquents Wordbase. It's a book I own, and that's because I actually wrote it. It's five A4 pages long and typed in Comic Sans 16pt with triple line spacing and a nice picture of a smiling frog, which I drew in red ballpoint pen, on the front cover. If anyone wants to borrow it, drop me a line. No, seriously, I really need someone to talk to. *Gibber*

There is also a wonderful See Also section complete with throwaway joke, which is always good to see. Arguably the best version (pictured below, just in case you can't be bothered moving your mouse) of the article, however, comes courtesy of 68.109.157.206, and consists of simply "you suck teh ballz". Insightful stuff, I'm sure you'll agree.


Actually, the article is quite often vandalised, but was never touched by the likes of Avril Troll, the Hickipedia bloke or Testostereich in his more destructive days. Oh yeah, I went there.

You might not also be interested to know there's a whole category dedicated to you. Well, not you personally, unless you happen to be Testicles (wow, he got two mentions in two paragraphs, what's the world coming to?) or Seppy, who have special dispensation to circumvent already tenuous vanity policies. They are above the law, like Ronnie Biggs in a helicopter.

I know, that reference was crap, and an indication that it's about time I drew this post to a close. I'm now off to the Crystal Dome to see if Richard O'Brien still lives there.

The Neverending Fight Against Stupid and Irrelevant Comments (NFASIC)

I thought I'd best bring to your attention my recent spam clearing exploits here at the Illogiblog. You see, those spambots have been brutally ravaging our innocent posts on the quiet, no thanks to Blogger's recent insistence on manual comment moderation.

Well it isn't quite that bad but I was surprised at the amount of spam building up, like a layer of mould on that Scotch egg you shoved to the back of the fridge and forgot all about until the smell was so powerful it'd be fatal to a small child. (Please don't call Social Services. I'm a good man, I swear!)

Comments ranged from blatant adverts for what seem to be incontinence pants, some pink things in a box to, erm, special offers on mutilated sheep or something. Hmm, these spammers are becoming increasingly masochistic.

Here's a few more examples:

Thank you for give very good informations. Your web is so coolI am impressed by the information that you have on this blog. It shows how well you understand this subject. Bookmarked this page, will come back for more. You, my friend, ROCK!

Well, thank you very much! I presume this message was for Tim Berners-Lee because I didn't invent the web, but I ain't about to turn down compliments, however misdirected. Chyeah!

Since matching for some time for just a proper read in regards to this kinda ecological niche.

What's this, automatic sentence generation?! We expect this sort of language abuse at Illogicopedia, but not here at the Illogiblog! Begone, vile shade!

The pre-eminent rise quest of loyal and convenient trim and medical dope and knowledge

You know you've made it when you're compared to over-the-counter medication. Which reminds me, I wonder what happened to my brain medicine...

Well, I hope you enjoyed this session of headbanging against ?blog's ever-growing Wall of Spam. It hasn't quite achieved Berlin Wall status yet, but at this rate it won't be long. BEWARE.

Illogicopedia falls over, hurts knee

Well, I hope you're happy now, Roberto, you great bully. You've made me visit a site other than Illogicopedia for scientific, academic research. I have a mind to report you to the headmaster for your misdemeanours, and this time it won't just be a slap on the wrist. That's right, Bob. It's the irons for ye!

So as you might have been able to tell from this post's title, Illogicopedia has gone down and I wanted to contribute to the site in some manner. It's times like this I'm glad the Illogiblog is hosted on a different server so we can still rant on about nothing in particular to our hearts' content. Yay!

That's not to say we aren't grateful for the fantastic host we currently have. It's certainly better than many other, second-rate wikifarms out there on the Internet, not mentioning any names (*cough* Editthis *splutter*), and is ten times less restrictive. Double yay!

Anyway, here's some vaguely amusing content. Thanks to a working time machine, the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air was able to go back in time and open up a shop selling postcards in Wigan. Evidence for this can be found in the following newspaper clipping from some time in the past:

Right, that's enough of that. Phew, for a minute there, this post was in danger of becoming mildly
entertaining.

I'm off to varnish the cache server to see if that has any effect on ?pedia's functionality. I'll let you know if anything happens, but in the meantime, try not to spam too many forums with posts about fnurdles, ultimate shotguns and such like, because Illogicopedia will be back!*

* Not applicable if Illogicopedia returns. In that particular case, ignore the previous comment.

Illogico enters Indy 500

Well, not quite, but it has entered the top 500 largest wikis on the web. This isn't really a badge of honour or anything, not like being peed on by a donkey, but it does mean we're getting closer to our ultimate goal... usurping Uncyclopedia at its own game.

Yep, it seems many of us have been losing sight of this, taking their eyes from the caramel coated, slightly soggy prize which'll no doubt be put on eBay for £0.01 with free P&P once attained.

Never mind, though. Here are some wikis the English Illogico is larger than:

• French Trains Wiki
• The actual MediaWiki Wiki
• The Aberystwyth Wiki
• The Bill Wiki
• The German Anarchopedia
• The Rap Wiki
• And, erm, MyraPedia, whatever that is.

Only 13 million more articles to go until it's the largest wiki in the world. Woohoo! Cos as we all know, bigger is always better. Isn't that right, ladies?